Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Better Rooneys:

a) Mickey.

a2) Anyone else with that name.

1) Should put out a missing persons notice for Darmian.

6) The tweet of Basti and Ramsey with ‘Bitch, please’ getting triple figures is really fucking stupid when you’ve lost 3-0.

7) Triple figures doesn’t mean 3.

8) Family birthday parties are better than watching us get beat. Just.

9) One of us is called ‘Just’.

10) International breaks every week could work.

11) The FBA judges are flammable.

X X X X X X X X X X X X X 

M

m

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Friday night is the best time for football.  The shops are shut so I don’t have to go shopping and it’s too dark for DIY. Actually, sod the football, I’m out of here.

Opposition Summary:  Villa did well to stay up last season, so it’s lucky that they kept Benteke or else they’d be in big trouble this time around.

Prediction:  Villa captain Micah Richards has a lot of pressure on him tonight.  The former City defender knows he has a lot to live up to in his new role, especially after his predecessor did so well.  Kyle Walker fulfilled his role as Vangle’s secret striker perfectly last week, so Richards will need to be on form if he wants to impress the United fans.  0-0 United.

m

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I’m preparing the BBQ, but having trouble after the judge said I wasn’t allowed within 23 feet of flammables, after the incident with the deaf school. Wasn’t my fault they couldn’t hear the alarm ffs.

Prediction: Sausages. Burgers. And green bull shit for Brett and Paul.

m

m

  Brett (@GarethgatingSue)

I’m not here. I’m mentally preparing to meet those fockers, like in the film Zoolander.

Hopefully, our ghost writer @Ab5y will write something funny here, like he does every week. AS LONG AS HE CAN HOLD THE PEN WITH THOSE GHOST HANDS! BOOM!!

Prediction: Danny with his custody battle. The Aston Villa manager (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) to disappear (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) because of Marryone Fellaini (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) standing in front of him (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) on the touchline … Can’t see Sherwood for the Tree. Vangle to take Sherwood back to school. Woodwork class. Am I getting paid for this? 0-0.

m

Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.