Here’s  5 things we learned:

1. The best bit was tasting Graeme’s salty tears.

2. Other good bits were Lukaku and Pogba and Matic.

3. Sanchez was not a good bit.

4. Maybe we can swap him back but let them keep Mkhyitaryan.

5. That’s pretty good. For one of Storey’s lackeys.

6. Does anyone know where I can watch season 3 of Twelve Monkeys?

7. Yes, lots of people.

8. Amazon or I-Tunes are the legit places one can view it, but these will cost you actual money I know you don’t have.

9. A person with less scruples might try hdeuropix/tvseries/12-monkeys-online/12-monkeys-season-3-hd-with-subtitles-europix but you didn’t hear that from me.

10. I have pure scruples cheers guy.

11. Is that enough? I got him to say it. Can I go into witness relocation now?

12. Shit wrong group.

13. Your face is a shit wrong group.

14. Lols. We really are very funny guys.

We haven’t won the English Premier League on the first day of the season since that great day back in 1966!

All the squad can now look forward to taking a well deserved tour of all them countries who haven’t bought enough shirts and that, until next August.

Here’s 5 things we learnt/ed:

1. Winning is good.

2. That’s all I’ve got.

3. Fella next to me in the pub, thought it was a great a joke to pretend to his m8, who was sending him text updates, that he wasn’t watching the match. Note to self: kill all people in pub.

4. You know some great people.

5. “Ooh I drink in a pub with real people”. Pathetic.

6. I thought that whilst it would be nonsensical to talk about the ‘bigger picture’ this early in the season, our overall level of performance – both individually and as a team – can only make one optimistic. Not ‘Tritanic: This time it’s in space’ optimistic but relatively confident nevertheless.

7. I liked the goals we did.

8. Why don’t you like them anymore?

9. Fella came on as a substitute. Please delete all points after number 2. And everything you clowns have ever written.

AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US!

AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE UUUUUSSSS…

WE’RE GONNA WIN THE europa LEAGUE cup!!

Here’s 5 things we learned on this historic night for Wayne Rooney:

1. Seems we are now in a Champions League? Also seems Arsenal aren’t. So. Many. Lols.

2. Herrera should remake Roadhouse.

3. Football conquers all.

4. Especially Ajax.

5. And City through the medium of song.

(@Benglorious)

Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet?

Prediction: The season to be over, yet there still to be more games to suffer through. Spurs to do another classic bottle-job but it doesn’t count as a bottle-job for some reason because Spurs. Goals for European Player Of The Year*, Fellaini, and World Player Of The Year**, Rooney. 0-0 United.

m

m

*U-19’s French cricket

*U-85’s Kerplunk

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Independence Day Resurgence (2016)

How the actual fuck did this get a Hollywood release? That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals from Beckham and Cole to snatch the title from Arsenal’s grasp. 2-1 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

With the title still wide open, and in our own hands, I expect a full strength team from Mourinho.

Rooney’s 252 goals this season have been key to our EPL push and our captain will no doubt to add to that tally. Elsewhere, I can see Luke Shaw celebrating his PFA and Football Writer’s awards with a performance fitting of his season’s form and to see Paul Pogba and Mkhitaryan bossing the midfield. In defence: Phil Jones and Chris Smalling fresh from carrying England to World Cup glory will have no trouble dealing with Tottenham’s limited attacking options.

Tottenham on the other hand have resorted to type: so much potential and yet still found wanting and relying on the Europa League to provide them with a trophy.

Prediction: They’re coming to take me away haha. They’re coming to take me away my away haha. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Goals are good.

In other news, our Kickstarter to have this game struck from the records has been flagged by the financial ombudsman, as “apparently” one like on Twitter from yourself doesn’t count as a monetary pledge with the bankerers.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. They may have cheated, but what they accomplished is incredible.

2. Saying that, PSG shouldn’t have been so complacent.

3. Phil Jones has no business in sport.

4. Those Fellaini numbers eased the pain.

5. Lol @ Di Maria the rat-faced fuck.

And now you’re gonna etc…

Here’s 5 magical things we magic:

1. Brett is bad.

2. He was working. If anything he’s a working class hero imho.

3. Agree to disagree.

4. Tory.

5. We won. Get over it.

6. Make me.

6. I thing you’re both great.

7. That’s great.

Here’s 5 things we learned as our mighty Reds leapfrogged our mighty Reds to take 6th place:

1. Always knew we were great.

2. Ibra is shit unless he’s good.

3. Leicester are fucking pants.

4. Nice use of ‘pants’, dad.

5. Does a Tony V assist count double?

6. Why would that help?

7. Stats.

Here’s 5 things we learned between the mountains of blow and fountains of boobies:

1. Winning is good.

2. Losing is bad.

3. Moyes is bad.

4. Ergo, Moyes is a loser.

5. PROFIT!!!!

6. Did you see the Mkhitaryan goal tho?? He was like ‘uh oh ball’s behind me yo’ but then he was all like ‘don’t even matter dogg’ and it was all like a scorpion if his legs were a stinger.

7. Innit tho. Scorpions cannot kick like that due to the way their leg joints are hinged.

8. Makes zero sense. People are idiots.

9. Not us.

10. Brett is not us.

11. Brett is all of us.

12. Gross.