Liverpool Rob:

Usually I steer well clear of Brett’s advances around this peculiarity in the football calendar. If he gets hold of me he asks me out on a date to watch the match, because, well, we’re friends and it doesn’t matter who wins (or loses). This year I’m happy to put that theory to the test. I’ll let mum know she may need to buy a new hat.

 Now to the prediction: I usually go with the ref to be Howard Webb and a good controversial decision in favour of the hosts. Game over. However he has already doled out his quota of bad decisions against us for this season. He also has to make a few more headlines to ensure he’s on the bus to Brazil… hence I’m looking at a very red day at Old Trafford. I believe, and you can bet your house on this if you like, that Rooney will be sent off for tattooing a postage stamp onto Skrtel’s forehead, RVP for swinging an elbow album into Toure, De Gea for speaking Pigeon to everyone’s English hero, Putin for a pitch invasion when he sees everyone Russian around, Moyes for not declaring to the I.R. having a twin brother who is also his chauffeur (thanks Brett for that info), Hernandez will be sent on to climb the PeaStalk to rescue the treasure from the sleeping giant… which has just awoken and will happily let the Little Pea take as many trinkets as he likes; it won’t matter in the bigger scheme of things.

Prediction: Man U to record 57% possession.

P.S. I hope Mr Webb is in charge of the match or the above won’t happen, obvs.

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Ben (Benglorious):

One of the oldest rivalries in English football is being hosted at Old Trafford this Sunday.  Liverpool visit the Theatre of Dreams on a nine Premier League game unbeaten run, which has seen them demolish Arsenal, snatch an injury-time victory in a five goal thriller at Fulham and clinically dispatch Southampton in their last league run-out.  They’re winning matches the way you’re supposed to – by scoring more than their opponents – despite the best efforts of their defenders attempting to give the other team a chance.  They may have only kept two clean sheets in those nine matches, but they’ve banged in a quite ridiculous twenty-nine goals to bring them to second in the table; a mere seven points behind leaders Chelsea, but with a game in hand.

With Daniel Sturridge and Luis Suárez spearheading arguably the strongest attack in the whole of the Premier League, United have plenty to fear today.  Our defensive frailties are there for all to see:  Rio Ferdinand and Patrice Evra have both lost that mythical yard of pace; Captain Nemanja Vidić will have his next club, Inter Milan, on his mind; Chris Smalling and Phil Jones haven’t found their best positions yet; Jonny Evans is out injured and Rafael, fan favourite though he may be, can be be a liability in hot-blooded games like today’s event.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I ACTUALLY WROTE LIKE THAT FOR EVERY GAME?!?  No, thank you.  If you want serious (read: “boring”) matchday previews, then you’ve come to the wrong place.  Anyone with half a football brain can write stuff like the above: generic, stating the obvious tat, with a few pointless statistics thrown in to make it look like the writer is the Football Knowledge King, Soccerbrain Palace, Statistician Drive, Hipsterton, Football Knowledge Kingdom, HP1 1KK.

“Proper” football writers are ten pennies a dime on the internet, and pretty much regurgitate the same gibberish as the next guy.  Or the previous one.  Or the one writing concurrently to them.  I don’t know.  I’m all about the jokes.  Jooooooooookes.  My colleagues Tom and erm, Mr Bifocal are “writers” in the same vein: we’re the mainline injection of zany crack to Martin Samuel’s hand-warming Lemsip.  Now THAT’S a metaphor.

[That’s not to say that there aren’t some wonderful football writers out there.  If you don’t already, you should definitely check out some of my friends people I’ve met through annoyed on Twitter, particularly Paul Ansorge (@UtdRantcast, 14000+ followers), Paul Gunning (@PaulGunning1, 1500+ followers, most of them bought) and Ivan Evan Ewan Iwan Lehnert (@IwanLehnert, 400+ followers.  Seriously?  That few?  That’s a bigger injustice than the recent Cantona framejob).  Not only are all three terrific writers about all things United, they probably also get paid by the thoroughly respectable websites they wordsling for.  If I had to rank them:  Snog Iwan, marry Paul and avoid Gunning.  He’s the worst.]

Prediction:  Yet more hope and optimism from me this week, particularly in light of our excellent 3-0 defeat of the mighty West Bromwich Albion Football Club last Sunday.  Robin will have calmed down after last week’s shenanigans and put in a season-best performance; Wayne will use all his Everton/United hatred of Liverpool to put in a season-best performance; Shinji will come off the bench to put in a season-best performance and Dave will put in such a season-best performance that Liverpool’s S.A.S. (Pah! As if!) will both leave the pitch crying, begging for their mums.  1-0 Liverpool.

About the author:  Most of my jokes are* funny.

*You thought I was going to put “aren’t”, didn’t you?  Classic misdirection gag.  Told you I was funny.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Earlier this season – when it was still kinda funny – I suggested that we were entering the Prequel Trilogy of the Star Wars Universe. We all laughed (that’s the royal ‘we’ obvs) and then got on with our lives. Several months on, that light-hearted and off-the-cuff remark has borne an evil fruit. Certainly not the 5-Star healthy fruit we at UETFA use for all our currently non-sponsored competitons; I know you’re reading Nike – this is your chance to get on at the ground floor. World Cup year. If you don’t, Sky will.

Anyway….the tenuous Star Wars analogy I’m persisting with because it’s easier than accepting reality: If Fergie retiring was Chancellor Valorum’s ignoble dismissal, then Moyes arrival is clearly the equivalent of Palpatine’s rise to Chancellor – first game of the season? Nothing’s changed, people are happy, no-one’s aware of the insidious plot (Although I maintain in the film this was stupid because Return of The Jedi has been out for years….), everyone’s slightly nervous but hey, we’ll be fine. Luckily, we can completely ignore Attack of the Clones because a) why wouldn’t you? and b) I don’t think even I could relate the clone wars to United’s season. Moving on to Revenge, this is where it could go either way – either Moyes/Palpatine’s attempt at using his latest apprentice Darth Vader/Rooney – the great white hope who fell from grace to become a soulless jerkoff – will succeed and our brave Jedi Council (RVP/Adnan as Yoda/Obi-Wan respectively) will flee for their lives a la the movie OR Wayne will restore balance to the force and Moyes won’t have to be thrown down a massive shaft. Given Wayne’s new contract, this seems unlikely – he’s more money than man now, fat and evil. On the plus side – for me – this does mean I get to carry this nonsense on into next season with A New Hope. Unlucky losers.

Probably should mention the game. Because of the way I look at the world ie As I wish it to be, I’m going for a 5-0 to United, De Gea making a string of saves so brilliant, Arsenal erect a statue to him straight away. And lastly, when Ben thinks he’s talking to his mum? All me.

Prediction: 7.14pm Achacha Fruit.

Brett:

When I first set up Bifurcated – three years ago – I would sometimes allow myself to dream of this day: when following on from some really enjoyable, varied and entertaining opinions from both sets of fans I would*chokes*

The Human League obviously foresaw Danny’s prolonged absence, when they penned their hit Tell Me When Will I See Danny Welbeck Again (You have to play it backwards, whilst walking counter-clockwise round a tree, in a church yard). I miss him. The good news is he’s so close to being back, I can smell him (Parma Violets).

Having not seen or heard anything from David Moyes’ presser (fancy talk), I can only presume we haven’t signed mid-noughties Gattuso and so are sticking Fellaini in, what with Jones and Carrick out and all. He’s not looked as terrible as some would have you believe, and – as I’ve said a couple of times – I’d still like to see Moyes play him in an actual proper defensive midfield role … like Fellaini himself says is his favourite posish.

Cardiff are good at home and have already shown that against them lot and that other them lot, so will be a good test of how far we’ve come, and of how much momentum the international break has twocked from us. Malky Mackay has got a lot to deal with, and we should be thankful for small-mercies – like not being Cardiff.

Nice to have the Premier League back in’tit.

Prediction: 2-3 Danny with his customary two. Chicha with a Chicha style rescue thing.

Okay, no ‘Real Dad’ references this time. That doesn’t count. This is very, very, very serious…

A bit of momentum is a wonderful thing, as we can testify being United fans and all. I’m fairly sure though that not even Moyes himself buys the party-line he’s been peddling, of us ‘being notorious slow starters, regardless of who’s in charge’ … but that’s not to give him credit for finally having found a footing; and in no small part down to him having given Adnan his chance. As much as I’ve been – although with tongue-firmly-in-cheek –  doing my Plan A(dnan) joke (‘joke’ in the loosest sense of the word, as ever),  I do think his introduction to the first team has been pretty good manageringness on Moyes’ part. Having dedicated so much of this to Adnan, I think Moyes would be wise to rest him tonight, obvs.

We’ve got a few injuries coming into this week and so Moyes’ manageringness will be very much tested – possibly more than in previous weeks?! I’m sure he’ll be keen to continue the Champions’ League form through, but at what cost? with the Arsenal game on Sunday. I expect we’ll be playing for a 0-0 with emphasis on our own 0.

So, a packed, compact midfield, with Kags (more as a false 4) in behind Chicha? Smalling, Jones, and Vidic across the back and Fellaini so deep, he’ll be rubbing shoulders with the fans behind the goal. Very little else to get excited about … apart from the Kags and Chicha bit.

Prediction: 0-1. Danny with his customary two. Kags with a jazzer, to give Moyes a reminder of what people keep telling him he can do. Would actually go 0-0, but will never allow myself to predict anything but a win.

ME: *If you wanna text me  scores while I’m away, that woud be nice bX*

BD: *Okay, if you’re sure*

LR: *I wouldn’t be so cruel*

ME **silence**

LR: *They’re starting the match with a algorithmic handicap taking into account current and past league position, combined squad numbers and one of those 8 ball prediction thingys. Goals are worth .98, so the current poitnage is 36.4 to 37.7 recurring.*

LR: *700000054 to 13 on corners*

LR: *The numbers are getting silly and we had to add the ref to your total of course, so perhaps it’s best if you make your own score up for this half*

ME: *Feel like I’m there*

BD: *0-0 HT*

LR: *You have a goal*

ME: *Yessssssssssssssssssssssss. Unless you’re doing a joke. p.s I don’t geddit.*

LR: *Finishes that way, great game from both teams*

BD: *1-0 FT Hernandez! Typical little P goal. Very good game – Liverpool played very well but so did we. Thank fuck*

How would it feel if City were to catch us? Can you picture that in your mind’s eye? It’s nigh on ridiculous to entertain it, even for a second, but this game is so much more important than a glance down the fixture list a couple of weeks ago would have presented it as.

Stoke have taken a break from playing Arsenal (maybe it’s just me who thinks they always seem to be playing each other?!) to host us: the champions-elect(ile dysfunction). They have a fight on their hands to avoid getting pulled into the bottom three and fortunately for them have a lot of fight. I think they’ll stay up because of that fight and it’s hopefully the kind of game that we need to wake us up from our post Champions League sulk.

I think Fergie has gone all ‘tap-tap-curly-wurly-cuckoo’ with his team selections, so absolutely no point going there.

So so so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so soso so so so disappointing we’re not competing in the F.A Cup this weekend. One thing we can look forward to, when Fergie retires, is potentially caring about it again.

Prediction: 2 – 3 (my ‘go to’ score for the season – that I never genuinely believe will happen)

Goals: Evra, Chicha 2.

These days in the Prem, when the ball flashes across the box a little behind the striker after an over-cooked cut back, or perhaps as the result of the attacking player mistiming their run towards the near post, without a moment of hesitation said player will attempt a back-heel flick. It’s a familiar sight which produces a wide range of outcomes, many of them are infuriating, some amusing, others embarrassing, but very occasionally the outcome is breathtaking.

At United we have three strikers in particular who are considerably gifted in the craft of the back-heel flick: Chicha, RVP and back-heel flick ambassador, Danny Welbeck.  It’s only right that we should have our fair share of Flickists, as it was in fact our very own Lee Sharpe who created the concept at Old Trafford on the 19th October 1994.

The only thing players in the professional leagues of English football used their heels for prior to this, was as a bracing anchor of sorts, as they planted their standing foot, hoofing and toe-nebbing their way towards the opposition goal. So neglected was the heel, that substitute players were routinely checked before entering the field to see if they still had theirs attached. Players in the starting eleven, who may have foregone these checks in their eagerness to get on with the hoofing and nebbing, were encouraged, at breaks in play – particularly during corners – to run these inspections themselves by stamping their heels against the base of a post. It would be a lie to try and pretend that players hadn’t used the back portion of their lower leg as a passing tool at all before Lee Sharpe pioneered this particular technique (during this, the goal I’ve chosen as my favourite of all time), but it would be a misnomer to refer to those graceless out-moded actions as back-heel flicks; more accurate perhaps would be ‘calf-punts’.

The build up to this goal – which would become the antithesis of its finish – was typical of its chief architects: Ince and Keane. Ince was proof, if it were needed, that God does not in fact love a trier – not the God of football anyway. The football was not a friend of Paul Ince and much of his career was spent attempting to bully it into submission. Occasionally the ball would surrender, adopt a glazed look and shift in a direction similar to Ince’s intended target, but more often than not it would instead take pleasure in nestling awkwardly between his feet, whilst he was in full flight, and then delight in watching as he planted his face deep into the Old Trafford turf (Ince tried many things to out manoeuvre the football; he would attempt to trick it into thinking that perhaps he wasn’t playing that day, by coming out the dressing room last, or waiting until the last moment to put on his shirt, or he would adopt a disguise, like periodically trying to grow a moustache, but so poor were his attempts that he now receives royalties from the organisers of Movember).  However, what Ince did have in abundance was his own high opinion of himself, which afforded him an enviable tenacity.

And then there’s Roy Keane.

The truly special thing about this goal was how it triumphed in spite of itself. As Ince wrestles with the ball and lunges two-footed towards his own player, in isolation, the first part of this goal plays out like an excruciating brutalist opera (not in a good way), but then, just as he loses his perpetual war with gravity, he manages to stab out an ugly toe and prod the ball in the direction of an unmarked Roy Keane. From there, so shocked is Roy Keane to find himself in the number nine shirt, that he attempts something nearing a forward pass. Unfortunately, his automated functions kick in part way through his angry back lift, and he scuffs an awkward grasscutter goal-wards … this is the point at which The Universe steps in, and though it has its work cut out, redresses the balance and restores parity:

]]> https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/features/for-beautifully-red-reinventing-the-heel/feed 0 https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/pregame/sunderland-vs-united https://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/pregame/sunderland-vs-united#comments Tue, 26 Mar 2013 17:09:31 +0000 http://bifurcated.co.uk/?p=9391 Our internet friends are always welcome to share some of their ‘Pre and Post Match’ thoughts with us from now on. If you want to share, get in touch! You can still enjoy my nonsensical, confusing, punctuation buffets below their proper good ones…

Juan: (@theredinsider)

Manchester United Supporters Love Drama

The Red Devils are on course for winning a record 20^th English Championship and have presented themselves with a decent opportunity to make a remarkable domestic double, by also adding the FA Cup to their trophy cabinet.

Despite the Champions League disappointment, the fans of the world’s most popular sport club should be pretty happy on how things are panning out this season for them, however a significant part are missing an extra ingredient: late drama.

Whereas most football fans are more than happy if their team get a comfortable 4-0 win, what United fans love more than anything else is dramatic 4-3 or 3-2 triumphs, ideally coming from behind with Javier Hernández scoring from the bench in added on time…

The first part of the season was really enjoyable (4-3 at Reading, 3-2 at Chelsea, 3-2 at Manchester City, 3-2 at Southampton, 3-2 at Aston Villa, 4-3 vs. Newcastle United at Old Trafford and so on). However, what we have lately witnessed is a series of dull victories against weak opposition (2-0 at QPR, 4-0 vs. Norwich City and 1-0 vs. Reading, the two latter at home).

It’s certain that Manchester United are 15 points above bitter rivals Manchester City, but I don´t think I’m totally wrong if I affirm that United fans don´t always settle for a 1-0 win vs strugglers Reading at Old Trafford. United isn’t only about grinding out results, but playing entertaining football.

So, what can we expect at Sunderland? Considering that United face a FA Cup replay at Stamford Bridge on Monday and many players will arrive just in time to play at the Stadium of Light on Saturday afternoon, after the international break, I put my bets on another mundane 1-0 win, which on this occasion would be more than justified, considering the circumstances aforementioned.

Prediction: Sunderland 0 United 1 (van Persie)
United XI: De Gea, Rafael, Vidic, Evans, Büttner, Welbeck, Scholes, Anderson, Giggs, Rooney, van Persie.

Brett:

I still miss JOS, so Sunderland games are inevitably tinged with a little sadness.

As for the game itself, I’m fairly confident they’re going to beat us. Hopefully all of our attention will be on the F.A Cup game and we’ll field a team accordingly. This will offer Sunderland the opportunity to nick the points and I think they will.

They have some really tenacious players, who I like, and Sessegnon and his back up band need to start distancing themselves from the bottom three before they get dragged into the scrap proper. Martin O’Neill, of course, understands this and I think in Graham, Larrson, Gardner et al (it’s a shame for them Fletcher and Cattermole look out for the season), they very much have it in them to cause whichever team we put out problems – let alone the weakened one I’m hoping and presuming we will.

I’m not even going to consider what team we might field.

Prediction: 2 – 3

Goals: Chicha, Welbeck 2

To say we looked really, really, really, really tired would be a massive understatement (albeit in an overstated way). The two early goals were like a band-aid, covering the emotional and physical scars from Tuesday … and we almost got away with it.

Carrick and Cleverley were lively to begin with and I thought Carrick was going to dominate. Our defence was dealing with them comfortably and Chicha was starting to enjoy himself, but that kind of spiteful muscle memory kicked in and they were allowed back in it. You could say they were unlucky not to win. Or you could say we have David de Gea.

There is no way they would have been able to compete with us, had we not been suffering the Champions League hangover from hell. I’m absolutely sure we’ll be facing City in that semi-finals.

I really hope we’re not going to insist on playing RVP, when he continues to look in dire need of a rest, and break him completely. Rio is looking soooo good right now.

*SPOILER ALERT* I have now seen how our season ends … with Scott comin’ round and discovering that Mike has dropped his thousand quid down the back of TV.

MOTM:  David

Brett:

I’m still not ready for football. I think I’m a bit broken.

Chelsea are not playing well enough to beat us, or even be considered a threat. Yes, undoubtedly they are capable “on their day”, but who isn’t. Who knows, maybe the trip to Old Trafford will provide them with some much needed impetus. I just don’t see them as the threat, at this moment in time, that they usually present. Of course, how we react after Tuesday gives everything I just said and everything I could say it’s context.

It’s fitting we’re playing these mothers on this day.

Prediction: 4 – 1

Goals: RVP 2, Rooney, Chicha.

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

I don’t think any United fan was particularly desperate to see the sight of Robin Van Persie being substituted due to injury, but look at it this way; even if that unceremonious collision with a camera was causing him so much difficulty that he needed to come off, at least he didn’t pull up or break something, right?

…..Right?

Hold on, my desk is made of wood, so I’m touching that.

Anyway, at this point, with City not playing in the league until Monday, and with Tuesday in mind (I don’t know if you know this but we’ve got a match in midweek? Pretty big one, apparently), I’d rest him. That’s a cautious view, for sure, but with the season that Rooney’s having, I think he needs all the minutes he can get. It’s a Hernandez/Smalling/Anderson match, and that’s not condescending because our starting XI always needs to know that there’s someone who can take their place if they perform well enough. Besides, Hernandez has scored more than Van Persie’s main strike partner. Glad to hear that he’s fit, and I fully expect him to perform a delightful half-hour cameo on Saturday.

Still regard the performance at Carrow Road as the worst of the season. We never looked like scoring, never turned up the pressure and we were magnificently flat. But you could look at it as a turning point. Since then, we’ve lost once in 21 games across all competitions, and we haven’t been as bad as that since. The league performances have become far less about coming from behind and more about getting the lead and strangling the life out of a game. I don’t think it’s made for engrossing football but it’s brought a ridiculously solid set of results to the point where we bear down on March with Norwich and Reading popping over to visit and a jaunt over to see the Mackems (who apparently we should be feeling very bitter towards because they laughed that we lost the league, because no one else chuckled at all…..) with a luxurious twelve point cushion. Those are three winnable games right there, and considering the clinical form we’ve been showing, seven points is probably the minimum target.

What I’m finding to be the most heartening aspect of this season is this unwavering focus. We haven’t been blowing many teams away, granted, but the performances have been unbelievably clinical. Then the manager ruined it and mentioned that the players feel it could be a special season.

Well. That’s us buggered, then.

Yes, we all KNOW it could be a special season. We were all quite happy not jinxing it, though, thank you very much. Honestly….

Can see a repeat of last Saturday’s performance; strong, disciplined without over-exerting ourselves and a line-up with more than one amorous glance on Tuesday night.

To be honest, hearing the manager calling the match a “mundane practical situation” is a little disrespectful when you consider that we were treating QPR as if they were Real Madrid last week. I know we’re all expecting to win, I know we’ve got a much more exciting date on Tuesday, but if I were a Norwich player, I’d feel even more desperate to perform.

It’s all very well and good getting excited because Real are in town next week, but let’s get through this before we start playing the Champions League theme tune in our heads, m’kay? M’kay…

Brett:

In spite of myself, I’m absolutely doing the thing where I just want this game out the way, so I can get all giddy over Real.

We don’t have a decent recent (rhyme time) record against Norwich and it’s a scientific fact that its impossible to not want only good things to happen to Chris Hughton. They have struggled this season to find consistency and that is in part down to the big fella up front getting even bigger for his boots. Of their players, I really like Snodgrass and – this isn’t why I like him – he reminds of a younger Frank Lampard. They will no doubt test whatever team Fergie puts out…

To rest, or not to rest? that is the question … one might usually ask as a manager, however Fergie – as we’re only too aware – doesn’t subscribe to convention. How best to “manage” (a term we love at United regarding injuries) Van Persie’s hip, is something I am unable to provide an answer to. Rooney needs sharpness, the rest is anyone’s guess. Although, you could probably bet on De Gea playing and although I’d love Giggsy to start vs Real, I think he’ll play too. The wingers need to find form faster than they are capable

Prediction: 3-2

Goals: Nani, TV and Ashley Young