Here’s 5 things we learned between the mountains of blow and fountains of boobies:

1. Winning is good.

2. Losing is bad.

3. Moyes is bad.

4. Ergo, Moyes is a loser.

5. PROFIT!!!!

6. Did you see the Mkhitaryan goal tho?? He was like ‘uh oh ball’s behind me yo’ but then he was all like ‘don’t even matter dogg’ and it was all like a scorpion if his legs were a stinger.

7. Innit tho. Scorpions cannot kick like that due to the way their leg joints are hinged.

8. Makes zero sense. People are idiots.

9. Not us.

10. Brett is not us.

11. Brett is all of us.

12. Gross.

Here’s 5 things we learned from what one maverick expert is calling ‘Return of the Mk’. Me. I’ll be auctioning that a joke on Ebay, on Black Friday Month.

1) That Mkhitaryan is worth every penny of that £89m.

2) People have some great theories about Westworld.

3) Gift of a Goal have started legal proceedings btw.

4) Winning 4-0 is better than drawing 0-0. See also: 1-0, 2-0 & 3-0. Although it’s obviously relative; 4-0 is loads better than 1-0 but only marginally better than 3-0.

5) Mkhitaryan autocorrects correctly on my phone now at ‘Mk..’ so much better.

6) I’m still ‘MI hit a Ryan’.

7) House bricks > Samsung.

8) What does a Mkhitaryan eat anyway?

9) Hate to piss on your chips, but even Rooney looked like he’d kicked a football a few times before.

10) *Love.

If only we’d known over the past ten years, that, every terrible first touch, Hollywood ball into the stands, attempted chip, shin, face plant, frustrated arms in the air, hair transplant, contract dispute, sex with grannys, misplaced 3-yard pass, misplaced 4-yard pass, misplaced 5-yard pass, misplaced 6-yard pass, misplaced 7-yard pass etc … was a freakin’ awesome assist, then it would be Rooney’s team mates we would be wanting to midsomer murder most horribly she wrote.

Why oh why didn’t we know???!! FJCFS!!!!

Here’s 5 things we learned about:

Europa League is bad

Rooney is bad

Michael Jackson’s Bad remains one of the best-selling albums OAT

Robbie Savage makes bad much worse (both examples)

London is bad

Savage is worse

Rooney is worse than Savage in London

That’s beautiful. What poem is that?

“Don’t Do Doll’s Hair” by Wordsworth

“Johnny Three-Names pulls aside the beaded curtain of uncertainty”

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Sticking to our weird, recent theme of not doing our previews half an hour before kick off means that I actually have time to do some research for tonight’s (actually tomorrow’s (no, I’m not a time-traveller (or was I?).) game) – It’s Friday. Jesus died on a Friday. Dunno what was Good about it. Makes you think.

Prediction: Catholics to be outraged about something to do with meat. Ice Cube to get stoned with TGI. Robinson Crusoe to put up some Night Lights or whatever. Rebecca Black. There’s also a football match. 6-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Before I start I’d like to make public the fact that Brett did his Preview on WEDNESDAY. Search his pockets, you’ll find 30 pieces of silver (I’m basically calling him Judas for any non-religious reader).

Anyway. Southampton is it?

Game review: No Man’s Sky (2016)

The loading screen makes the S’s look weird but I bravely continued into the game undeterred. I like it when you fly through space really fast, it goes all like CHWOOSH! and the stars go into lines like on Buck Rogers or Star Wars (a trilogy of films about a young farmboy and a rag-tag bag of screw-ups defeating evil and finding his destiny as a Force King) but I DON’T like it when hostile ships stop you escaping and kill you. If you kill them first this doesn’t happen and it is also good. Also a massive fan of the 70s-esque prog-rock soundtrack and graphics and some of the creatures (still not found the rumoured Horsicorn – a Unicorn but with the head of a horse). I also enjoy how I have no idea what is going on and that I have a jetpack. Just like Boba Fett. 4 out of 5 popcorns.

Prediction: with rumours of the relatively unknown Paul Pogba making a first team debut for the first time, we’re expecting goals. Lots of them. All of them in fact. There will be so many goals in this game, the rest of the league won’t score any for 3 years. 1-0 United, Falcao brace.

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Introduction 1: ‘One night in heaven’ wasn’t just a 90s banger for Madchester’s finest, Them People (a cover of the original 0AD classic ‘3 nights in heaven’ by Jesus. H. Christ and Mary Chain). It was also a description for an evening experienced between two people with no jonnys, no lube required, no mothers walking in on you to tell that you your tea’s ready and that your boss called to tell you that he needs you to work the early tomorrow, cos Clive’s goldfish died; conditions are perfect and you last well in excess of 4 minutes. A PB. Which you get a high-5 for. Hey!! Wait. Was that an ironic High-5?!  No. Not on this night, cos this is your perfect night. But you might want to check. Just to be sure. But don’t start a row. Ask subtly. Something breezy like “Hey, what was with that bullshit High-5??! YOU’VE ABSOLUTELY RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER!!”. When Gus Poyet and Leonard Nimoy enjoyed said evening, they could never have envisaged that their love-child Claude would one day be managing a team playing the mighty reds…

Introduction 2: As Southampton’s rapacious collecting of managers from the 1980s Guess Who board continues unabashed…

Shame we will never play Southampton ever again, after the ‘October Incident’, that we won’t talk about until it’s happened, or I could have saved one of these great introductions on my ‘Great Introductions v.0′ floppy disk for next time.

Prediction: It was an ironic High-5 and my life is ruined forever. 0-0 United. Ibrahitthenets™ to score a goal of such quality that the next time you’re round your nan’s and you open the tin of Quality Street it’s full of a life-size re-enactment of the goal that Zlatan scored. But chocolate.

It’s the one, two (though technically a number), three, four, five, siSIX words you’ve all been waiting all your “Boohoo it’s not like 2014, we’ve only had 2 days of actual hot weather” summers for …

Here’s 5 things us have learned:

1. That’s right: actual numbers to show I’m super serial. Wayne – contrary to all our hopes – hasn’t become the only player to get better again after being awful for ages. Release him into the wild imho.

2. Policy of allowing guns on the bench immediately called into question re: ‘The Mata Incident’.

3. It seems obvious Fellaini is coasting until next year’s Guardians cut him loose. Or down (lol, like you would a tree).

A) I’m going for real letters as they are the mark of a truly professional list compiler

B) Six subs per team is a good idea so that the well-paid athletes don’t get too tired

C) Substitutions, not submarines.

D) Or subways

E) Submarines and subways are actually what Paul is spending the patreon money on

4F) <- the most professionalist yet.  What’s this Patreon business? I don’t want to suggest links to the Cuban Missile Crisis/Bay of Pigs debacle/JFK assassination but can we just dismiss these out of hand? No. And now for my 9th point: [rest of transcript stolen. By rantcast? Who can say?]

G-Five) <- Obviously the denominator of a superior mind, perhaps that of a Supreme Court judge or that guy that thought up Avatar.

*Apollo Creed

III-H-6ix) <- This is fun. I’ve missed us. This. Us. Us doing this. lol jokes. I wish I was actually dead.

i) I’m going for Roman Numerals cos nothing says timeless classic like a lower case letter i.

ii) Did they have caps lock before anus dominoes?

III) Guess we’ll never know