Here’s 5 things we learned as our mighty Reds leapfrogged our mighty Reds to take 6th place:

1. Always knew we were great.

2. Ibra is shit unless he’s good.

3. Leicester are fucking pants.

4. Nice use of ‘pants’, dad.

5. Does a Tony V assist count double?

6. Why would that help?

7. Stats.

Our PA told us to say lol @ Bravo’s footwork and his ability to trap an ankle dead from 5 yards. And to mention in passing that Kevin de Bruyne is actually Kev Brown, who keeps pigeons with his dad, down the ginnel, and so a huge naughty fraud and so his goals and assists shouldn’t count, or we’re gonna tell Mrs Brown what her son’s been up to when he tells her he’s just popping down the corner shop for a can of dandelion and burdock and a sherbet dib dab.

Here’s 5 things us learneded from the moral victory against Kev and his so called mates:

1. It is bad when you lose but it gives you perspective when you realise there’s worse things in the world.

2. Like losing to City.

3. Pep and Jose used to be pals at Barcelona.

4. They are not pals anymore.

5. Ghost in the machine. Maybe a metaphor? (I did’t watch it)

6. G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-GHOST??!! SCOOBY!!!!!!

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Hooray for us, we’re quite good again based on the three minutes of highlights I’ve watched from the two games we’ve played against very beatable opposition. Goals are good again (who saw that coming?) as are wins (who knew?) and expensive players. Expensive means best, like when you shop at Marks and Spencer. Everyone knows that.

Prediction: Hull are level on points with United in the Premiership League but are not in any European competitions. They also don’t have an official sustainable energy partner so this makes me doubt that they’re even a proper football team. 6-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Founded in 1536 by Rod and Emu, Hull is largely terrible. Once a thriving industrial powerhouse, it now has some shops, a traffic light (Amber) and a plaque commemorating an event. Persons of note include Clive.

Comics I have read this week:  

Old Man Logan 9: Logan aka James Howlett aka Patch aka Weapon X aka Wolverine is old and from another universe after Earth 616’s Logan was killed by some fucking idiots who didn’t know what they were doing.  Anyway, having adapted to *our* reality, he is now killing people again but they really deserve it so it’s ok.

Uncanny X-Men 11: Magneto leading an X-team? Sabretooth’s a good guy?? What the hey? lol, relax it is all good; they are good guys now/again and having great adventures trying to avoid extinction due to some Terrigen Mist thing which hasn’t been explained yet. Oh yeah and Monet is an Emplate* now.

Uncanny Avengers 12: Ultron has come back and he is still a proper prick. They all try to kill him and Deadpool is an Avenger now.

X-Traordinary X-Men 12: I forget how but Apocalypse again. The story arc has felt rushed from the start and nothing makes any sense but I guarantee it is still better than the film I haven’t watched yet.

*See: some comics

Prediction: Bearing in mind Benno’s salient point that without an official sustainable energy partner, are they an actual football team and totally disregarding everything Brett has ever said ever, Pogba to finally justify his fee by scoring all the goals since 1883. 0-0 United.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

With the Hashtag EPL sewn up last week, United can now concentrate on more important things like selling knitted commemorative treble-winning teaspoons, cycle helmets in the shape of United player’s haircuts, and a box-hedging re-enactment of that goalazo-goal-goal goal from that 2015/16 home game, and that. I for one can’t wait to get my hands on a life-sized fridge magnet in the shape of Wilfried Zaha’s night with David Moyes’ daughter, made from authentic human skin.

This dead rubber sees the return of Magic Mike. And who could forget the time he wore those skin-tight balloons? My Uncle who has Alzheimers, that’s who. But only him.

Everything is going really well in my personal and professional life. THANKS FOR ASKING!! Suck on your disappointment.

Prediction: Rashford with his customary two. Ibra – the one trick (being himself) pony – to add to his catalogue of goals just in time for Christmas. Like Argos innit, but with better pens. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANOOOO! Wait them small pens are bookies. Pencils in Argos. *Remember to edit this almost a great a joke out before publishing*. Pogba to finally justify his fee by scoring all the goals since 1883. 0-0 United.