(@Benglorious)

With every player except Rashford out injured, this game should be a fucking doddle.

Prediction: JoMo to take PeeGee to coaching school, which is actually just called a school because synonymomical tautology innit, and we all know what a great player he was. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Pep. Unsure this qualified as a name, I did some digging and it turns out it’s short for Pepsi. Is he responsible for the very recent and well publicised Pepsi advert/catastrophe? That’s not for me to say. But if you were to ask me, yes, yes he is. The argument is only strengthened when you consider ‘Jose’ is just two letters away from Coke. And that Pepsi set fire to Michael Jackson’s hair (Pep is bald. Coincidence?)

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (2017)

Unreleased at time of writing (now). With hindsight, it was a poor choice. That aside etc.

Prediction: Top Red Mick Hucknall once sang ‘money’s too tight to mention’. So why did he? Ginger prick. Anyway, change ‘money’ to ‘the match is’ and ‘mention’ to ‘accurately call as both sides are pretty good/bad in equal measure’ and its exactly the same as that. 3-3 Nasri for Rooney

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

So impressed was I by my colleague’s factotum conspiritorium, that I, myself, began to dig … and I, myself, found some juicy tidbits of mystery and intrigue that will shock the world of football to it’s damned core AND 150 words, done.

Suck on your accurate counting.

Prediction: Duggy-duggy-doo, dug-dug-dug doo. Duggy-duggy-doo, dug-dug-dug doo. Duggy-duggy-doo, dug-dug-dug doo. AND I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF COMING HOME TO YOU, EVEN IF I KNOW WE CAN’T MAKE IT!! Great times. 0-0 United.

Ben (Benglorious):

I should know a lot about Fulham.  I once lived in Hammersmith, which meant Coward House (not the Kiwi band) was my closest Premier League ground for nearly five years (Stamford Bridge was pretty close as well, but seeing as it’s also in Fulham you can just count everything I say for Chelsea as well).  Let’s see:  They play in white;  Their owner also owns a big shop, but ironically it’s not somewhere you’d do your big shop (unless you’re getting Bifurcated money);  Their owner is not from these parts but doesn’t have a passport, so I assume he must have been posted here, most likely as a baby because they’re smaller and would need fewer stamps and bubble wrap; Their owner loved Michael Jackson so much he built a statue of him outside the ground to commemorate him being Fulham’s all-time top goalscorer.  It would appear that I actually know more about their owner than I do the football team.  Apart from his name.

[Phone rings: “Hello? …… Oh, hi Mum. …… I’m actually in the middle of wri… …… WHAT?!? …… WHEN?!? …… Well, why would he sell it? More importantly: how do you bloody know this? …… Oh. …… Mmmm-hmm. …… I see. …… And neither of them are dead? …… Okaaaaay. …… But Prince Phili… …… You’re sure abou… …… Yes, yes, of course I believe you.  One more question: how do you know what I’m writing as I write it? …… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! …… Do you want to come in? …… Okay.  Well, be careful getting back down that ladder. …… Yeah, you too.  Nanight.”]

Well, it seems that the owner of Fulham hasn’t been the owner of Fulham for nearly a year.  Who knew?  Apart from my Mum?  Who owns it now?  Didn’t Beckham just buy a team or something?  Are any of these questions suitable for the Rantcast?  Is that one?  What about this on…  STOP.

I’ve seen a lot of annoyed fans on Twitter this last week.  There’s the fans who are annoyed at how badly United have been playing, there’s the fans who are annoyed at the fans who are annoyed at how badly United have been playing and there’s the fans who are annoyed at the fans who are annoyed at the fans who are annoyed at how badly United have been playing, although this third group of fans are mostly comprised of the first group of fans.  Still with me?  Me neither.

Prediction: My record so far is 50% on the match results but that was me being cheerfully optimistic both times.  Anyone at Bet365 will tell you that that’s 50% better than any of my predictions on their website, stressing that I’m an extremely valued customer before telling you that I should look after myself as thumbs can break accidentally at any time.  Anyway, after Berbatov gets Fulham away to a flier with an early goal [Phone rings. Phone is thrown out of window.  Phone hits old lady in face] the score remains at 0-0 because that was a DREAM SEQUENCE.  Patience, Mother.  The pessimist in me is going for a 1-1 draw.  “BUT FULHAM ARE SHIT!” I hear you cry.  Yeah, so are Stoke, Sunderland and Yokohama F·Marinos.

About the author: I like questions?

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Brett:

David Moyes is so damned good at shuffling his pack that he does this thing yeah, where he pretends yeah, that he’s really bad at it yeah, just because he’s so bored with being so damned good at it yeah, and this week will be no different.

Can you remember that time he was playing cards and he couldn’t shuffle properly and he had to put them all out on the floor and stirred them with his finger and everybody was laughing at him, even his mum. Oh no, that was me. And there was no-one laughing. I was all alone. Anyway, where was I? oh yes…

This game like last week, and the week before, and the week before that, and the week before that, and the week before that, is probably going to go ahead, so like last week, and the week before, and the week before that, and the week before that, and the week before that …  that’ll do. That one was for all the skim readers out there, wouldn’t want them to miss out on a good point when only really reading the first and last paragraphs.

My point, I haven’t just come up with to legitimise this, is this: Everything has been talked about to death. There’s nothing new to talk about where United are concerned. Nothing. Stop talking. Nothing. Ah! Nothing.

Prediction: 3 – 2. Danny to score his customary two. I wrote this before I said stop talking.  

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p.s Because there’s no Berba at Fulham anymore this fixture is dead to me. Here’s a couple of Berba things…

p.p.s I’m allowed to write this because it’s not about United (and that doesn’t count)…

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