Footballiversity Issue #2 – Footballiverse 29

Start of the season – December

Footballiverse 29 is a ‘verse not too dissimilar from your favourite football championship managerial simulation games. The Premier League for the 2014/15 season is exactly the same, apart from Liverpool, who are inexplicably replaced by York City. Hey, don’t look at me.

Before the season starts, Mauricio Pochettino is replaced by a ‘Pierce Moran’, who releases all of their players and buys Fernando Torres for £90m before going on holiday, laughing to himself, for 9 months after the first match of the season. Across North London, Arsene Wenger announces his retirement and Roberto Martinez is appointed – Arsenal are unbeaten in their first 18 games, where our issue ends.

Louis van Gaal’s attempts to buy Angel Di Maria are blocked by the board, who do not wish to increase his transfer funds (or funds for wages) which also means that they are unable to buy Falcao [players of Falcao’s level never move on loan in this Footballiverse – Ed.]. Southampton’s signings all turn out to be flops, and Ronald Koeman is sacked in late September to be replaced by Andre Villas Boas. Under AVB, the Saints creep out of the relegation zone and into mid-table, helped by random shut-down and re-boots of the Footballiverse which just so happen to happen whenever they find themselves losing in the 89th minute of a match.

Ulloa scores 18 goals in the first 10 league games, propelling Leicester City into a solid 8^th and a transfer is agreed in early December for him to move to Manchester City. However, right at the end of the issue he suffers a serious injury, and the transfer is cancelled. Elsewhere in the promoted clubs club, Burnley are rock bottom with 10 points (joined in the relegation zone by Sunderland and Swansea), and QPR are yo-yoing between 9^th and 14^th.

In the title race, Chelsea are beset by injuries, thinning their squad and leading to Mourinho’s transfer policy being questioned. In a now infamous interview, he refuses to comment to every question asked of him before storming out of the press conference. Manchester United are in first place at the turn of the year, with the help of Danny Welbeck, but the press are beginning to ask questions about Wayne Rooney, who has been ignored from selection and whose morale is said to be ‘Abysmal’. However, they did lose in the Manchester Derby thanks to a last minute breakaway goal scored by James Milner, who collected the ball from an errant throw-in by Rafael.

York City hover above the relegation zone and end the issue in 16^th, but will they manage to hold onto the players who have kept them there in the January transfer window? Only time will tell.

(Bonus mini-story at the end of the issue)

Liverpool wake up one July morning to find themselves in League 2. Several of their players leave, but some of the good ones stay, along with Glen Johnson and Steven Gerrard. Despite Brendan Rodgers’ best efforts and tactical nous, they are humiliated by Wycombe, Northampton, and Accrington ‘Who are they?’ Stanley in their first three games. They end December in 15th, hoping that they’ll be able to nab Matt Tubbs from Portsmouth come January.

—————————————-

“‘Issue’ #3: January”, coming 25/2/15; “‘Issue 4 etc': Appropriate Month”, on the first Wednesday after the end of the said appropriate month

Even though I’ve predicted 3 – 1, I expect, as we all do, this to be a very tight game. The goals that win England the game, I’m predicting to come towards the very end of the match, possibly in extra time.

Gerrard, from a position of just quietly getting on with it, suddenly has a lot of extra pressure to cope with, as the “England expects” hype machine shifts up through the gears.  It’s the same for Rooney, as always. They’re both very capable of dealing with it. They’re both very capable of not. Fingers crossed.

The defence hasn’t looked “amazing” to me, as some seem to suggest, but it’s certainly looked okay for the most part. I suppose when you’re effectively playing with four central defenders (when Gerrard and Parker tuck back) it provides quite a barrier. I haven’t seen much evidence that Italy have the  fire power to trouble us too much. That’s not to say they can’t trouble us from other areas.

I think the slower pace of this game, compared with the out-and-out mania of the Ukrainians and the style of Sweden will suit our defence and midfield and should allow us to build better, getting the likes of Ashley Young and James Milner on the ball more in dangerous areas, something neither of them have had too much success with thus far. Having said that I’d be tempted to change Ashley Young (again).

Rooney needs more time on the ball to create and probe and build up his sharpness. If we are to progress we need at least 30-40% more from him than we saw in the Ukraine game. Danny Welbeck I’m sure will get the nod up front and deservedly so. A goal for him would be nice, obviously.

As for the Italians, as I said before, Balotelli is one of their stars and that isn’t anywhere near good enough. He would want so hard to play well against us and the pressure he will put on himself, as a result, will be all it takes for him to self-destruct. Balotelli aside, Pirlo et al, will without doubt be our biggest test under Hodgson.

Goals: Rooney (pen), Welbeck, Terry.

Who’d have thunk it?! By far the most pleasing aspect of last night’s result is topping the group and going on to play Italy in the quarter finals (Balotelli is one of their star players, how good can they really be … seriously).

On the ghost goal … IT WAS OFFSIDE!!!

Rooney’s BIG comeback was more just a comeback. Scoring the winner with that bit of raw opportunism that we’ve been perhaps lacking, is not a bad night’s work (other vacuous cliches are available). We saw glimpses of the possibilities, but I can’t help thinking that in the games ahead when we need a lot more from him, on current form, he may not be capable of it.

Man of the match, and widely considered of the tournament so far for England, was Steven Gerrard. As I wrote in the England players haiku guide he needed to play a more disciplined role to really shine at this tournament, and how. Welbeck was tidy again and Scott Parker was doing an admirable John Terry impression, throwing himself in front of stuff. Terry himself seems to be growing into his ex-captain role. Glen Johnson continues to play baffling-ly well. Carroll looked sharp when he replaced Welbeck too.

I think there’s a strong case now for Ashley Young making way for The Ox or even Downing. He’s becoming a liability defensively and offering very little in attack. James Milner is only marginally better on account of putting in more leg work. We can’t keep carrying them. We probably will. Fingers crossed the week long break shakes them awake.

I’m not entirely sure how much of what is happening is planned and how much is seat of the pants stuff, but it’s ‘citin intit!

The next game can’t come around quick enough for me. FFFOOOTTTBBBALLL!