Benno (@Benglorious)

After being forced to make a grovelling apology to the entire writer’s room at Bifurcated Towers for my serious preview last week (THAT WAS THE JOKE FFS), I am pleased to confirm that normal comedy service will be resumed this week after all my internet privileges were revoked and four of my fingers were broken “for your own good.  Now try and get linked on ESPN, you Judas.”

United visit Cambridge tonight (yes, it’s Friday.  No, I don’t know either.) in the next round of the FA Cup after their giant-killing of Yeovil in the previous game.  This should be a walkover for Vangle’s men as Cambridge traditionally only field nine players and one of those just sits on his arse shouting through a megaphone.  But seriously, Cambridge won’t know what’s hit them as they’ve only ever played one team before and they still both play in the same colour kits as each other:

-“Okay, we’re going to get blue shirts.”

-“That’s exactly what we were going to say.”

-“Well, unlucky.  We said it first so we get to be blue.”

-“Yeah, but we were thinking about it ages ago, like last month or something.”

-“Doesn’t matter, we said it so we get to be blue.”

-“We’re going to be blue as well, then.”

-“We can’t both be blue.”

-“Then you pick a different colour.  Brown’s nice.”

-“No way.  We want blue, we picked blue first, we are going to be blue.  You pick a different colour, there are literally mil…”

-“WE WANT BLUE!  YOU CAN’T STOP US HAVING BLUE SHIRTS!  YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WE WILL BOTH BE PLAYING IN BLUE SHIRTS FROM NOW UNTIL THE BLOODY END OF TIME!”

-All right, calm yourself.  We can both play in blue.  Now then: do you want to be light blue or dark blue?”

FADE OUT

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Prediction:  Vangle will listen to the dissident voices amongst United’s supporters and finally drop the 3-5-2.  He’ll completely mix things up by playing a classic 5-3-2, but will tweak this formation by employing the left- and right-back in more attacking roles and by placing an emphasis on possession.  Janaz… Janiszi… Jannozz…. that lad won’t be picked for that exact reason, so he won’t get the first goal.  Likewise, Hummels won’t play so he won’t score either.  Falcao will probably get a run-out at some point so let’s just say that he’ll score all six of United’s goals, and Virile Valdés will keep a clean sheet on his debut.  1-0 Cambridge.

Speaking of Victor…  On his recent tour around Bifurcated Towers, United’s newest signing was more than happy to discuss his three favourite things in the whole wide world-  1) Avocados;  b) Narrow boats; and, ***) 24 Hours in Police Custody:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Point blank refusing to do this cos it’s Friday and football doesn’t belong on Fridays.  Football should only be played on Saturday afternoons.  And Saturday evenings.  And Sundays.  And Monday nights.  And Tuesday nights.  And Wednesday nights.  And Thursday nights.  But NOT Fridays.

Prediction:  A combination of what those two jerk-offs say but whatever the correct score turns out to be.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

If we’re playing The Us, who are the Us playing? Is it any wonder why seasons regularly go half finished, and year after year cups remain unclaimed with this kind of fixture mismanagement?

If Vangle wants to make ground on predecessor Moyles – and it’s patently obvious that he’s well jel –  he’s going to have to try his best to get a cup in the case; and the FA Cup now represents his only unrealistic chance. King Snackerton had already bagged the Charity Shield at this stage of his United bossagement and Prince Ringtwitch didn’t even get to the final of the season’s traditional curtain raiser. It’s also important to remember that the cheesy puff-eating maverick was still fighting in the Champions’ League this time last year, whereas, again, the old spasmodic sheriff’s badge-holder didn’t even see Europe’s premier competition as something worth entering. It’s this ineptitude, arrogance and stubbornness that the United fans seem to love so much, and so in many ways the legendary crisp gobbler was perhaps a victim of his own success…? Let’s hope that the pinched nipsy works out this 3-5-2 conundrum soon.

p.s if you’re reading this Louis, I’m no mather, but the answer is -4. Hope that helps you move on. So we all can.

I went to the Cambridge United website, so that I could add this anecdote: They have a player called Champion, whose name sounds familiar, but I just can’t place it. That wasn’t an anecdote. But this is getting my word count up.

Prediction: The Magic of the Cup is put on trial under the Trade Descriptions Act and gets a real grilling by the prosecution. The defence however performs poorly, the lawyer: a kind hearted unconventionally attractive soul played by him from that other film – one of life’s good guys – tries every trick he knows, but even his 20 minute heart-warming story of watching from the terraces with his since deceased father, does nothing to help his cause. Though there are a few tears in the public gallery. Mostly from his father. As the judge – played by ex-footballer Ronnie Radford – orders the jury from the court to make their final decision, the kind-hearted, unconventionally attractive lawyer is handed a note by a passing zephyr. Although initially confused, he promptly reads the note. Upon reading, he instantly pleads with the judge to let the defence call one last witness. The judge calls the opposing lawyers to the bench and raises his eyebrows: noting this as being highly unconventional practice, and, inevitably, the prosecution objects. The judge then after a few seconds of quiet contemplation makes a wisecrack to the court and jurors about how one more piece of evidence isn’t going to hurt anybody and overrules the prosecution’s objection; giving the kind-hearted, unconventionally attractive lawyer played by him from that other film permission to call one final witness after a short break. On their return to court the kind-hearted, unconventionally attractive lawyer played by him from that other film calls a frail older man to take the stand as shrieks of derision and laughter break out around the courtroom. The prosecution lawyer looks smug and cross-examines the witness with disdain – openly mocking the man, and the jurors lap it up. But when the kind-hearted, unconventionally attractive lawyer played by him from that other film starts to question his witness the court falls silent. The man becomes more animated and he begins to regale the courtroom with the stories he’s witnessed as a die-hard football supporter of some 3, or possibly 4, years. The judge stops him after a few seconds and points out to the man the difference between the definition, theory and interpretation of magic and things that just happen and are easily explained by things we can comprehend, without any actual suspension of belief. The man – obviously irritated by the judge’s condescending manner – grasps for a match from his pocket and strikes it in a dramatic manner, and, holding it aloft, draws a collective gasp from the gallery. He then throws the match into the air and creates a cloud with some talc he had in his other pocket and ducks down quickly, out of sight. The judge tells him to get up, because he can see him and he hasn’t actually disappeared. Security take the man away to be executed. The jury find the Magic of the Cup guilty of misleading the public. But as the judge retires to his quarters the camera stays on him. It’s a long way back through the winding corridors, but the camera stays on him. As the judge arrives at a door he pauses, makes sure he’s alone, then walks through the door as if it isn’t there. Credits roll.

Benno (@Benglorious)

Yeovil is a very interesting word, etymologically (check that this is the word one and not the insect one) speaking.  Yeo-Vil.  Anyone who’s everyone knows that “vil” stems from “ville” so it must mean “town“, and no-one who’s someone has seen Brian De Palma’s Scarface (1983) so we all know what “Yeo” has its roots in.  In summation; as soon as I’ve finished writing this I’m checking out Yeovillian house prices.

Seeing as I’m going to be the first “preview” read out of the three, I’ll make some weak gag about the “magic of the cup” and then everybody will think the other two are nicking my ideas.  Cups, eh?  Some are magic.  These should be avoided.

Prediction:  A victory here today for Vangle’s boys would see them leap ahead of teams like Bayern Munich, Barcelona and Real Madrid in terms of FA Cup matches won.  It’s Vangle’s debut FA Cup game as well, so a win over the League One side would mean he’ll have a better record than Guardiola and Hitzfeld combined.  No mean feat.  Team selection will be tricky today as the whole squad will be eager to showcase their talents against the mighty Glovers.  Rooney will definitely maybe play as he’s our glorious and loyal captain, so he’ll score two goals.  Yeovil will display courage that far belies their current divisional standing, but the introduction of Di Maria after his recent lay-off will prove too much for them, and the Argentine will round off proceedings with a brace of his own to put United into the draw for the Fourth Round.  1-0 Yeovil.

Ashley really enjoys- maintaining his allotment, reading about the US Civil War and milk:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

No idea what this game is about to be honest – FA isn’t even a real word and I can’t find an explanation anywhere – and all this ‘Magic of the cup’ malarkey doesn’t even sound very fair; at best one team is bound to have better magic (depending on their relative Mage strength/D18 + 4 spell casting/financial clout) and at worst could lead to the type of events we all witnessed in that horrific wizard snuff film, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I don’t think any game is worth that.

Anyway,  in the interest of…well, no-one really (sorry Paul), better at least google Yeovil. This is as close as I could get. The only other piece of relevant information I can add is that Bumblebee is also Yellow and he’s one of the good guys. Although not the loveable VW Beetle he was in the original series. Why change it Michael? Why make Devastator have metal testicles? They’re robots in disguise fighting a war that’s lasted centuries…they don’t have kids. It’s this kind of mistake which ruined the Franchise. Well that and the awful stories and casting McDreamy as a bad guy – he’s the best brain surgeon in the country Michael, what were you thinking? Liked him in Grey’s though….although that Meredith would drive anyone crazy. And Christina?! Please….she should’ve stayed with Owen. Remember the singing episode? How we laughed….But there were sad times too…remember when Pinky Toscadero crashed his motorcycle into Arnold’s?

Just in case they are a football team and not a colour, we should win by so many goals its not even funny. Been told they can’t keep possession, all their goals are accidents and that their only striker is injured after getting battered in the Orient (no idea why they were there – we’ve well tied up that corner of the market) but this is tempered by the fact this person willingly watches these games. So either way then.

24-0. Falcao, Wilson and RVP take it in actual turns, Wayne tries that chip a record number of times, finally laying to rest the ghost of Fulham cross stats.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

I’ve used up all my material for this weekend’s preview in one truly brilliant tweet that did big numbers. So, I’m just gonna let the brain jazz and the kick sport science flow through my fingers and scat write; they don’t call me the Somerset scatologist for nothing … and see what genius co

I’ve been trying to find about this ‘Magic of the Cup’ that all you bumbaclarts keep referring about, but no Croations with that name show up on Wikipizzle, even as a dishimbuggerinnation. Not even gonna pretend to look anywhere else. I didn’t even look there to be honest, so that would only negate my initial laziness and force me to feel good about myself for a change. Yuck.

Points West – our very local unintentionally-self-satirising-not-really-news programme – have taken it upon themselves to patronise Yeovil all week, so I don’t have to. As a resident of the city of Bristol – aka the London of the South-West, aka where all the people who aren’t good enough for London live – I can perhaps provide a bit of insight into the make-up of the Yeovil team, shed some light on the footballing culture of this Somerset outpost, and maybe introduce you to a few of their tactical nuances. I can’t.

Prediction: Vangle to get a brand new combine harvester an’ he’ll give Roo the key. Come on Falcao let’s net together in perfecOwww! My Knee! 

Note to self: find out what ‘big numbers’, ‘material’ and ‘preview’ mean. And ask Mum where I live.

Benno (@Benglorious):

They’re all there without me.  All of them going to the game, to be followed by the biggest Twitter meet-up since the 1998 World Cup final.  I bet there’s jokes and laughing.  Everyone will be laughing and riding and cornholing except Benno.  I didn’t want to go anyway.  I love Christmas shopping far too much to waste my weekend drinking, laughing and watching footb*SOBS*

Anyway, before I use the Google to find out if it’s down or across, I’d better write some stuff about the game that everyone I know in the world is going to see.  It’s the ‘ull Tigers who are visiting Old Traffor…  Why are they all going to this particular game?!  It’s not like it’s a top-of-the-table clash.  It’s no glamour tie at Milton Keynes Hockey Stadium And Car Boot Arena Sponsored By Gaviscon.  Leave it.

Ha!  Their mascot is a tiger called “Roary”.  Geddit?  Because tigers roar.  United need to sign up whoever came up with that gem and make them head of social media.  Actually, that’s a bit daft.  Head of mascot-naming would be a more suitable fit.

Founded in 1904, yadda yadda yadda, not a lot, yadda yadda yadda, KC and the Sunshine Band bought their stadium in 2002, won the FA Cup in 201….  Its almost as if they’ve all been gathered in Manchester by some dark and sinister force of evil badness.  Why else would I be left out?  Unless I’m the mischievous Machiavellian mastermind malevolently masterminding them all so Machiavellianly.  Pretty sure I’m not, though.  Unless that’s what I want myself to think.  Hmmmm.  More likely is that I’m being framed for some evil grand design which involves all my “friends”, in which case, this is probably going to be used as evidence in any future case against me.  The most likely scenario, however, is perfectly expressed by me having to put the word “friends” in quote marks like I did in the previous sentence.  Oh, and in the sentence previous to this one I’m writing now.

Prediction:  I hope they get stuffed by a million goals and “everyone” gets arrested.  1-0 Hull.

Phil Jones likes/dislikes stuff:

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I’m not writing because I’m betraying my best friend of 31 years by going to the actual match with another man.

Brett:

If we can’t get all of the points from this game – I was going to say ‘three’, but after a quick scan of the internet it appears no-one keeps a record of how many of these so called ‘points’ teams are awarded for a win or a draw, let alone how many they have accrued over a season. Though according to BBC Sport expert Mark Lawrenson some games are worth ‘six’ of the points, so I hope this is one of them –  then we really do need to take a long hard look at our elves (Never really know what people mean by that, and sounds a bit sizeist tbqfh).

Hull manager Paul Heaton announced in his presser this week that Oldredeyes was back, after recovering from a knock he picked up walking into a door, and went on to insist that Harry Maguire was ‘a perfect 10′, despite the fact ‘he wears a 12′ (and plays at centre back).

Vangle had nothing much to say for his elf.

Hull’s danger men to look out for: Bow up-front, Transom at the back, Stern at the right at the back, and Keel at the bottom.

Prediction: All the things we have said here to be closer to reality than what actually happens during the game.

If I was going to say anything it would be about Yourmanja Vidic but I’ve got an article to write on him for someone else more important than myself (doesn’t really narrow it down); and as I only like to allocate 2,342 words per player, per season, I need to save them.

I might be tempted to say something about James Wilson but I don’t even know who he is, or what his name is. Apart from that he does those no-looky shots, whereby he doesn’t look at the goal when he shoots, like I like.

I could also have had my arm twisted to talk about Giggsy, but again haven’t got a clue who I’m talking about.