FBA-Nominated football blog writer Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s Derby time again! That special match that only comes round three, sometimes four or five but no less than two, times a year unless it only happens once. The winners get to make Manchester either red or blue in a tradition that stretches back all the way to the ancient past of 1991. In the event of a draw, both teams get to raze Carlisle to the ground.

Prediction: Pep to be bald but this somehow leaves his managerial abilities unaffected. JoMo to surprise everyone with a surprise team selection that surprises everyone who hasn’t predicted it. Rashford to be life, to be loved and cherished till death do us part. 5-0 United.

 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Bahahahahahaha yeah I won’t be doing a preview innit. Just write some absolute bollocks and put my name on it. Avoid the 4th Reich stuff.

Suicide Squad (2016)

The soundtrack to this film must be at least 6 CD’s (it’s a music thing – look it up) worth of tunes, which the director obviously took great pleasure in shoehorning into every available scene purely because it made him look clever: “Look, they’re bad guys but you’re supposed to feel something for them, so let’s put Sympathy for the Devil in there.” “Harley Quinn is quite the free spirit, why not have her cavorting around with that You Don’t Own Me over the top?” “They’re weird people with powers? Easy – Super Freak.” “They’re doing horrible stuff for no reward? You’ll love this one – Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” “I’m now going to blow your tiny minds, people – Suicide is Painless but we get Blazin’ Squad to cover it. Get it? SUICIDE is painless, blazin’ SQUAD. Because the film’s called Suicide Squaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh why are you attacking me please sto   ”

Bad people do good things badly for good people who are also bad. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Aguero with his customary two haircuts. Goals for both teams or neither team or just one team or just the other team. Manchester is browny-grey. 6-6 United.

www.tom_and_the_4th_reich.co.uk

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 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Another dead rubber.

Expect United to field a second string side as they focus attention on the Football Cup and Eurovision finals respectively. So, an opportunity for the likes of Paul Pogba, Zlatan Abramovich and David de Gea – remember them??!! – to force their way in to Jose Mourinho’s thinking for those upcoming fixtures.

Tbf I think Antony Royle already razed Carlisle to the ground.

I don’t see colour.

Prediction: In order to foil City’s tactics, Jose undergoes a face-transplant surgery and assumes the identity and physical appearance of Pep, but the plan turns from bad to worse when Pep impersonates Jose. Pep, but Jose, says, “I don’t know what I hate wearing worse: your face or your body. I mean I enjoy *boning* your team, but let’s face it, we both like it better the other way, yes? So why don’t we trade back?” Jose, but Pep, replies, “You can’t give back what you’ve taken from me.” Pep, but Jose, replies, “OK, then… plan B, why don’t we just kill each other? *HashtagFightScenes* Jose, but Pep, wins and continues to manage United for a bit. But it’s actually Pep innit, but Jose. 0-0 United.

*That’s funny cos the middle bit where it says ‘Week Uno’ is in white, so you can’t see what it says. What it says, I guess we’ll never know.

This isn’t just a lazy/crass cut and paste of our “best” Twitter bits…

It is. Bite us.

“I despaired when Brett, who shall remain nameless, said we had to do this review, but that was only until I realised how little effort was required. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A perfect summer blockbuster!! Would read again.” – B. Glorious, LA Times

“Can’t believe that Brett, who shall remain nameless, didn’t even take the time to embed the tweets in the hope of maximising our #numbers, thus clinching that big money sponsorship from a bookmaker’s that every internetter craves. That aside, pretty good.” – T. McGhee, Exchange & Mart

“You’re all fucking idiots.” – P. R. Antcast, Guns & Ammo

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Writing your preview second usually means something has gone very, horribly wrong with the time/space continuum. That, or those pricks are just trying to show you up. Or you’re on holiday with very little free time to write what with all the sunbathing and drinking. The time/space continuum is probably the right answer. We’ll have to wait and saw what we will found out in the future.

Opposition Summary: City are from the city but so are United. It’s all very complicated and confusing and even the top top scientists can’t explain how it works and they’re really smart. City play in a blue shirt but not a nice, smart blue – it’s like a nice, smart blue that’s been washed too many times, possibly with bleach. Or, it used to be white and it got boil washed with a shirt that was a nice, smart blue. 

Prediction: Brett’s loneliness to remain. United to smash their rivals just like they did Liverpool and West Brom. Then, they’ll have to wake up and go to the stadium and try and win real good at the football. Brett to die alone and no girls mourn him. Valencia with a goal, Herrera with the other two. Nobody remembers Brett. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Writing your preview third means you don’t have to bother.

Airplane! (1980)

That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Louis to announce adult-baby fetish in attempt to distract further from the huge amount of failure. It fails. This is all part of the process/philosophy.

.

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Writing your preview first means that inevitably the other two will use yours as a reference point for their own a joke, so, I’m not going to leave myself vulnerable to those hyper-vultures by mentioning anything about my painful disadventurous attempts to find love in this cruel cruel cruel world; especially as this week I actually, finally, comprehensively, and actually, seemingly managed to convince someone that I had a modicum of worth, only to find that she is moving to the opposite end of the planet in two weeks (fast forward three weeks, to me seeing her in the street innit). And the other one who I was going out for dinner with the other week – who didn’t even make an excuse in the end, just didn’t turn up – has now actually, comprehensively, and finally, and actually, seemingly denied my very existence ever since (fast forward 10 minutes, to my ontological reassessment/break down innit). It’s almost as if they know exactly what they’re missing.

Anyway, not gonna go there and present them towels with a free shot at my heart tank. Jokes on them cos the shards of my heart that remain are so brittle and small they’ll have difficulty hitting them.

At least I have my beloved Vangle’s Army providing the joyous antidotal window to escape through.

Prediction: :'(  0-0 United.

Ben (Benglorious):

For starters, why are they called ‘City’?  They don’t have a cathedral as far as I can remember, just a stadium that nobody can spell the name of.  Regardless of their glaring misnomer, they’re still a team to fear:  literally banging in more goals than West Ham and with far fewer defensive lapses than Arsenal.

I remember when City were just another team to demolish twice a season, but then Steve Lomas struck oil near the centre spot of Maine Road, or whatever, leading to untold riches which lead to the aforementioned new stadium which lead to them hiring 71 of the best managers in the world which lead to them signing 836 of the best players in the world which lead to them winning the Premiership more times than Liverpool.  Needless to say, they’re now an exceptional team and as Kim Kardashian famously ranted, “I’d love it if we beat them.  Love it.”

Players to watch out for tonight include Jar-Jar Binks, who’s been deadly from dead ball situations even if his Galactic Senate diplomatic skills have been a bit naive; Nien Nunb, who’s looked a different class since he transferred from Arsenal; and Two’s Kompany, who is everything you’d want in a defender, coupled with hilarious pre-watershed sexual tension.

Prediction:  Keeping the positive vibe going tonight, even with the loss of Robin.  Danny will take over his mantel with aplomb, bagging at least two; Wayne will score from 67 yards this time and Mata and Kagawa will combine so sublimely over the 90 minutes that Joe “The Hitman” Hart will announce his immediate retirement from all forms of football at halftime.  1-0 City.

Accidentally pasted the following into my article, and decided to leave it in for some free advertising.  It should reach at least one more person than I texted, exponentially increasing my chances:

Mum’s got 3 sewing machines going free to a good home if you’re interested.  They are as follows:
New Home 531
Brother XR-6600
Toyota 4071
Let me know if you or anyone you know wants one.

About the author:  I have no idea why Mum would have 3 spare sewing machines.

Update:  All three machines have now been bagsied.  I’m leaving the advert in because it looks like I’ve written more.

Brett:

Posted without comment: That doesn’t count. It doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Does. Fine…

Untitled (Danny): WHAT?! That’s not a title. Tisn’t. Tisn’t Tisn’t. Tisn’t. Tisn’t. Tisn’t Tisn’t. Tisn’t.Tisn’t. Tisn’t Tisn’t. Tisn’t.Tisn’t. Tisn’t Tisn’t. Tisn’t. Tis. Fine…

*no comment*: What now? Leave me alone…

p.s.

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Hands up if you’re also approaching this derby with audible caution. Both teams have great strikers, and faltering defences. Could be a cricket score, could be a scoreless draw. We could win it, they could win it. It’s far too close to call, and even if it doesn’t end up being a classic, it’ll be almost impossible to tear your eyes away from it. Thing is, it’s so tough to pick a winner because both teams are capable of so much more than we’ve seen this season. Both of us have had a season filled with tight, tense games. City have been getting late winners and United have been coming from behind. And yet even though we’ve flattered to deceive on so many occasions, we’re starting to pull away from third as early as December. To be honest, I’d feel quite proud if I didn’t feel like we were severely pushing our luck every week.

To be honest, despite Lindegaard, Jones and Smalling all getting games recently, the back five should be the same as it’s been for most of the season; De Gea back in net, Rafael, Evra, Rio and Evans. Job done. God knows what we’ll do with that midfield with Cleverley out, though. That’d leave us with only Giggs, Scholes, Carrick and Young fit and available. Doesn’t scream comfort, does it? Maybe that joke about a Ji-Sung Park emergency loan isn’t a terrible idea after all. Anyone know how to get him to channel the spirit of that performance against Pirlo in 2010…?

It’s worth thinking about just where we’d be without Van Persie this season, too. We’ve had large defensive and increasing midfield injuries again this season, but we’re top of the league, and through to the last sixteen in Europe. He’s scored 13 goals, and his presence and hard work has brought goals for those around him, too (that free kick for Hernandez’s goal v Villa. Phwooar). Without that added threat, who knows where we’d be? He’s the real spearhead in our attack, allowing Rooney to pull the strings when he has the space, and for the most part, it’s working. Take him out of the equation, and we’d be in a much more difficult position coming into the derby on Sunday.

All won’t be lost if we lose; we’ll be joint top on goal difference (in December this time, thank eff) with a long way left to try and turn things around. But, after last year’s league derbies, it will be so important to get a performance this weekend. Last season, we were destroyed at home, and at the Etihad, we wilted and lost our grip on the league. If our defence continues its self-imposed awareness hiatus, then we’ll be relying on our attack again. I know; I can’t wait either.

Predictions: 1-1. Too scared to predict a win, too confident to think we’ll lose.

By the final whistle, I hope that: We’ll have seen at least two shots of Joe Hart with his hands on his hips in dismay. Same for Tevez. His celebrations are always, ALWAYS awful to behold against us. Fingers crossed for all involved that no one decides to say “CARLOS TEVEZ BITES THE HAND THAT USED TO FEED HIM.”

Brett:

Have I told you lately, that I love U-nited? Well, I do, and more often than is healthy, this blinds me to reality – this is possibly one of those occasions. *Sharp intake of breath* I’ve got the most wonderful feeling that we’re going to thrash them!! Hold on a second, before all three of you who sometimes skim read this close your web browser … I’M DEADLY SERIOUS!!!!!! Okay, you can close the browser now.

We are struggling a teeny, tiny bit with defence, granted, but with De Gea coming back into the side, and Rio and Jonny at centre, much of those problems (brought about by reintegrating unfit players into the matchday squad) will disappear. THE midfield “issue” has been going on so long, that at some point we’re just going to have to accept Roy’s gone, never to return. Carrick always does well against City’s midfield – barring individual errors. Whoever slips in alongside him will be brilliant (hopefully Cleverley will be fit). Up top we’re devastating at times, and at some point, it’s all going to click and someone is going to feel the full brunt of that (City this weekend).

City are struggling more than the results suggest. They used up much of their individual and collective mental strength (or arrogance, whichever) last season. Their poor defence is currently being held together by masking tape a.k.a a broken Vincent Kompany and even Joe Hart is feeling the pressure of that. Their midfield hasn’t worked, as Mancini’s poor signings have disrupted, not consolidated what they already have. The three big problems, Silva, Aguero and Toure have been bitty, at best, so far.

So, when we’ve stuffed a hatful in the onion bag, and everyone’s saying, “No-one could have predicted that”, point them in my direction.

Prediction: 2 -5

Goals: ORVP 2, Rooney, Danny 2

Oh, bugger.

The 1990 World Cup: a significant tournament in the bookmarking of some of England’s enduring imagery. Penalties, tears and John Barnes rap aside, one incident inparticular, during the semi-final against Germany, has, I think, been the one to have cast the darkest and spindliest of shadows over subsequent national players. But, oh how we larfed, until we cried; and then we were just crying.

Andreas Brehme was tired of being pigeon-holed as a “free-kick specialist”, he was much more than that he thought to himself, and so decided to just petulantly hoof the ball at one of the England players for lols. He didn’t want the ensuing scrap to ruffle his beautiful hair (GHDs weren’t invented back then), so he picked out Paul Parker, the littlest player on the pitch and took aim. Veteran, Peter Shilton (ever the opportunist), chose this moment to trial part of his stand-up routine, and more specifically, his walking down the comedy stairs backwards and drunk, gag. The ball looped in. A nation hung it’s head. A curse was birthed?!

(*huddle-in* Some people trace this “curse” back much further, to a Peter Bonetti error in 1970.  I suppose in some way claiming the “curse” had been laying dormant since then; maybe in a pair of discarded gloves, or in nail clippings down the plug hole at Wembley perhaps, waiting to lay claim to it’s next victim. However, that kind of nonsense can only get you in the loony bin.  If we’re really seriously talking about me talking about “curses” in the mainstream, you have to let me do it my way. I need to place them in a context a bit more plausible … namely, psychology *fall-back*)

Since the Shilton bomb dropped, we have witnessed a succession of England Number Ones apparently paralysed on the bigger stages by this hand-me-down trauma. David Seaman was the only one that almost got away with it. Despite having serial cutlery-molester, Uri Gellar watching his back (he who moved the ball from the penalty spot against Scotland at Euro 96 with his mind), eventually he succumed, against Brazil, during the 2002 World Cup, when he was already well on the way to retirement. His “mistake” almost echoing Shilton’s. The psychosis gathered pace and before long was ruthlessly dispatching Paul Robinson, Rob Green and Scott Carson from the England set up. Whether we can really count David James as one of those apparently mugged of  his international ambitions by this virulent “catatonia” is questionable, he was more than capable of doing that all by himself, he was certainly a host.

What a…

Enter Joe Hart. Who doesn’t love Joe Hart? You? At the back there? *releases the hounds* What is there not to like? Okay, he plays for THEM, I’ll give you that, and yeah he quite obviously waxes his eye-brows, but let’s not let the superficial cloud our appreciation of one of the best players to happen to the England team in yonks. He SHOULD be captain. What Joe Hart’s talent makes patently clear is this: our goalkeeping crises of the recent past haven’t been ones of hex and hoodoo, they’ve been ones of a basic lack of real quality. The better goalkeepers we’ve had relatively recently, Seaman and Shilton, have been maintained in goal for much longer than they should have because there was no one considered good enough to replace them; no-one with the mental strength to match the physical requirements – and we’ve paid a heavy price.

Goalkeepers have it pretty tough. They will make BIG mistakes. If they make a mistake, the ramifications are generally much more severe than those of their team mates. They don’t simply surrender possession, or give away a cheap free kick; they give away a goal or a penalty. The footballs that make fools of goalkeepers are designed by scientists who supply parts for NASA. Their job is literally a constant battle with Rocket Science. Peter Cech has to wear a head brace just to stop his mind boggling every time he is faced with a shot from distance.

Joe Hart may well fumble one into his own net, or misjudge a cross that could cost us in this tournament.  He could do the same in the World Cup qualifiers, or in the next World Cup. It’s something he will have to deal with. The difference is, his mistakes will be exceptions, not rules. You get a strong sense with Joe Hart that he has the strength of character and capacity to move on. Only when Joe Hart is considering hanging up his gloves, and we’re still expecting him to be our Number One, do we need to start worrying about anything like “curses” again.

Check out those brows!

(Before you start, I at no stage promised I was behind any of that curse nonsense.)