Here’s the 5 things we learned this week:

1. Martial is faster/miles better than Joseph Barton.

2. It was good when Pogba did that skinny turn thing and Brady didn’t know where the ball went.

3. Rooney is still clownshoes.

4. I liked how I didn’t feel nervous for the last 15 minutes of the game.

5. My carpets are still damp.

6. Another week of actually doing ‘5 things’!! Great work guys!! oh.

Prediction: Rashford to continue his rise to glory by scoring for the third successive game and dedicating it to Old Man Zlat. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Remember when Joey met Zlatan in France and he made that big nose gesture? Was really hoping today was the day Ibra was gonna murder him up real nice.  Think we can all agree that’s not going to happen and start looking at alternatives (I have been working on a Wild Wild wicky Wild West-esque giant mechanical spider but it’s early days yet, collateral damage would be catastrophic).

There is no film review this week as I have been just so much politics. Classic ruddy politics.

Prediction: Politics! Everywhere! Fierce opinions! Loud. Noises. 5-0 United, Keane to score a hat-trick of OGs  (own goals) which will transfer next season to AG (actual goals) when we re-sign him for 10 times what we sold him for which is just good business. Nasri with customary Brace after replacing Rooney (lol, remember him?)

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(@bifurcated_utd)

I apologise to our reader for being such a let-down after the two real heroes saved the day again…

If my game on FIFA ’17 last night is anything to go by, then we’re going to win 0-3, with Roondawg scoring two from the bench. Let’s just hope Bristol City turn up, and not Burnley. And that Burnley (Bristol City) have a broken controller that defaults right every time a player collects the ball, making it easy to win possession back. And that Burnley (Bristol City) have never played FIFA ’17 before. And that Burnley (Bristol City) are drunk. And it’s 3am in the morning. And Burnley’s (Bristol City’s) girlfriend is giving them a hard time for not socialising at the house party, and instead playing FIFA ’17 with the old bald guy with no friends in the corner.

Prediction: An attacking performance of the like that no human eye has witnessed since eyes began; free from the shackles of Zlatan’s tyrannical reign of terror. 0-0 United.

Benno (@Benglorious):

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a couple of emotionally-charged weeks in the Glorious household.  I imagine United’s transfer shenanigans have also left both of you not knowing whether to dance with joy or sob your eyes out.  Not just tears but proper chest-heaving cries and loads of snot running into your mouth tasting like hot, salty yoghurt.

He’s gone.

Two simple words, yet they cut deeper than two swords made out of even sharper swords.  This is a man who grew up in the family United.  A young boy at the biggest club in the land;  a teenager at the biggest club in the land; and finally a man at the biggest club in the land.  There were moments of his that got you out of your seat, screaming his name.  Conversely, there were moments that had you putting your hands on your head, moaning his name.  Deep down, we all knew that he wasn’t “United quality” and that he’d always be fighting for his place in the first team, but it never mattered.  His hard work, his skill-set, his dedication and his unparallelled humility made him arguably the biggest fan favourite since Giggs ripped off his shirt against Arsenal, which caused even Richard Keys to cry out in shock at his hirsuteness.

We love you and we always will.  All the best at Villa, Tom.

Apparently, we’re playing Queen’s Park Rangers next which should be a walkover for us.  In my opinion, park rangers aren’t ever going to be able to compete with professional footballers, regardless of who they work for –  they’re basically just power hungry gardeners with delusions of grandeur.  Players to watch out for include club legend Les Ferdinand; the White Messi, Bobby Zamora (is he white?) and Joey Barton a.k.a. the English Socrates (not the footballer, the other one.  Actually, not him either.  He’s more like if Piers Morgan and Ralph Wiggum had a kid and the kid that their kid bullied is Joey).

Prediction:  With so many new signings I have no idea who’s going to play, where they’re going to play, why they’re going to play or even what they’re going to play.  The hipstormation this week is anyone’s guess except Vangle’s, I suppose, but even he must be looking at his vast collection of shiny new players and wondering what the hell he’s supposed to do with them.  Now that Welbz has gone (note to self: find out if there’s a sad song that laments a boy called ‘Danny’ and if not, write one) I reckon that new lad with the flowing locks will get a start up front due to his incredible ability in the air, although Atreyu must be gutted that his mate’s gone.  He’ll bag two on debut, after being set up for both by Rooney after some sick (“street” “sick”, not “hugging the toilet, wishing you were dead” “sick”) build-up play from Angie Diana Mary and Robin.  That fat kid from Southampton will score after half-time from his position at left-back or left wing-back or left-side-of-a-back-three or lef…. Nah, he won’t score.  Instead, Mata will with a sublime free-kick right at the death to kill off all resistance from the Super ‘oops.  1-0 QPR.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

After witnessing first-hand (AT THE GAME) the opening day defeat to Swansea and then sitting through the Burnley debacle (I watched that on the telly. I won’t keep explaining how I watched them it’s just I haven’t really got a lot to say at the minute so this is kinda stalling), I think we all agreed that changes needed to be made. And that Anderson should be sent to live on the moon to eat all the moon cheese*.

That didn’t happen – he replaced Di Maria in a game. In real life – but I did see some small bits of news about some of our other business; whole host of deadwood (so dead it gives deadwood a bad name. And it’s already called deadwood) rather unceremoniously shipped out the door to be replaced by genuine proven talent or very promising potential. Any immediate concerns I may have had about how this will work were allayed by remembering that our manager isn’t David Moyes. It might also be worth noting that I’ve paid zero attention to this Welbz nonsense so if you see me predicting him to score just let it go.

So, The Queen’s own Park Rangers. The chance to see if Redknapp is further along on his path to becoming Pizza the Hutt (Spaceballs. You’re too young) and whether Rio can still do anything aside from promote those caps with a number on them….I want to say 8? That aside, we’ll only care who they are if we lose so I’m not getting into it. Suffice to say it’d be nice if Joey had a mare and got attacked by a tiger. That only he could see.

[ROUSING CALL TO ARMS SPEECH TO BE ADDED LATER]

I know its been poor but its been that kind of start – by rights we should destroy QPR until they are defeated by the number of goals we’ve scored. Its got to start happening sooner or later so I’m going for a convincing 3-0, Danny getting his now perfunctory  brace and Falcao a 30yard screamer which he dedicates to the memory of Tom Cleverley.

*This is actually a thing; the moon is getting larger due to science – Ando, with is ability to eat absolutely anything, is being touted as the humane solution. This is why he wasn’t sold – NASA are interested.

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Brett: