(@Benglorious)

It’s been a while but we’re back, baby. It may be half-hearted and lacklustre but that’s branding for you. It’s all about those clicks and numbers, bro. I could tell you what we’ve been doing during our recent hiatus, but then Paul would know how he lost his blue tick.

Love him or hate him, Mourinho’s back and you’ve gotta give him respect for something that someone else could explain better than me.

Prediction: Brett’s right. For once. I didn’t write that and everyone knows it. I did write that bit and the next bit, though.  0-0 United. 

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Prediction: Benno’s right. For once.

 M

(@bifurcated_utd)

Prediction: Any websites that make this about Jose are idiots tbh.

m

(@Benglorious)

Fuck Andy Murray. I don’t hate him because he’s Scottish. I don’t hate him because he’s a miserable cunt. I don’t even hate him because he plays the most Tory of sports. I hate him because he let the Green Goblin kill Gwen Stefani.

Prediction: Respect from Poch, enthusiasm from Ole, narrative from the press, Jenny from the block. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’ve always liked Andy Murray; good at tennis and fantastic mints. Please disregard Benno’s work as it is riddled with inaccuracies* and please disregard Brett’s for its jingoistic nonsense.

Legit don’t know what I want to happen today – if Poch wins it might make him want to stay at Spurs but then it might spur (lol like their name) them on to win something which might make him feel like he can go to United after achieving something. If we win, he might think ‘fuck this they’ve been shit for ages but in 5 weeks they’ve got good again and they have money’ but then also it might strengthen Ole’s case for the job full-time which could mean we miss out on Poch but then also wouldn’t that mean that Ole is better and should get the job anyway? I don’t want to even think about what it could mean if its a draw.

*he was fooled by the rocks that she’s got

Prediction: a lot of ‘Lads its Spurs’ posts with a picture of Ole talking to some players if we win, a lot of Mourinho bashing if we lose. 5-5, the greatest game in football’s history.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

This game should be postponed out of respect for Andy Murray.

**heard it’s common place in the bronx to insure your arse for £60 million tbf.

Prediction: this game not to be postponed out of respect for Andy Murray. Abso disgrace imho. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learneded:

1. Mark Hughes may be an awful man and an even worse manager

2. I’ve forgotten my point

3. Cyrus is actually the virus. Established in Con Air. Good movie, good actors.

4. Love that Wrecking Ball song.

5. It’s no Achey break heart the man had an invisible lasso

6. I hear you brother. You try and stick it to him and *yoink*.

In a parallel Universe Jose got his wish and the game is still being played.

It’s currently 9087 – 0.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. I didn’t watch the game because I wasn’t watching it.

2. My new jam is Taken The Series. It’s pointless.

3. I’ve got 30+ quests to do on Skyrim and I’m starting to feel a teeny bit overwhelmed.

4. I did watch the game and it made me legit wish I had 30+ quests to do on Skyrim.

*Comment removed here, on the grounds of not making the cut*

5. If you don’t number it, it doesn’t make the cut, pal.

6. Anyone heard anything from Paul lately?

m

m

(@Benglorious)

Celta Vigo are not a team United should be taking lightly this evening. After all, this IS the business end of the elite Europa competition-that-isn’t-for-the-best-clubs-in-Europe-but-still-gives-us-annoying-midweek-games-that-make-us-draw-all-our-important-matches-but-at least-if-we-do-win-the-whole-thing-it-does-mean-that-we’re-better-than-Liverpool League.

Prediction: Another debut goal for Rashford and yet another hat-trick for Ronaldo as the Reds cruise to an easy victory. 0-0 United

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

There is simply no way Brett can speak Dutch.

Celta Vigo were founded in 1989 after losing to the Ghostbusters and Bobby Brown – a Carpathian team of dubious intentions, they’ve come a long way from those dark days (literally – they’re now in Spain !!) and Jordi Cryuff used to play for them. Hey! He played for us too! What a small world/it really really is.

Star Wars: All of them but not the two newest ones (1977-2005)

1. Star Wars: Badass wants his plans back, farm boy and his super friends think this is dumb. Ruddy brilliant.

2. The Empire Strikes Back: Game-changer, Empire is the film The Beatles could’ve been. Turns out Darth is Luke’s dad. Despite what Kenobi had said earlier, the maniac. Ruddy Brilliant.

3. Return of the Jedi: Feel-good factor of It’s a Wonderful life but without the boring bits and with more Star Wars. Final lightsaber duel, Darth’s redemption and Williams’ score make this the best piece of cinematography in the world ever. To disagree is to admit you are in fact for tools.

4. The Phantom Menace: This wedding is horseshit.

5. Attack of the Clones: Bite my Banger, Lucas

6. Revenge of the Sith: I could legit have made a better film than this with my balls.

Prediction: Brett to pretend to speak Dutch, scorn poured from all quarters. Let’s say 1-0, us.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

If there is a worse treble than the Charity Shop, EDL, and Eurovision, then I’m a Dutchman.

Niet een clownshoes nederlander zoals Vangle, maar een machtige boom zwakkeloos volleying als Van Persie. Ik ben Nederlands van die tijd dat Liverpool dat droomde dat het wel beter was dan deze, past bij het United fan profiel dat ze altijd lolling en een grapje op hun kosten maken.

Prediction: En ik hou van de gedachte om thuis naar je toe te komen, zelfs als ik weet dat we het niet kunnen maken. Lol houdt van de laatste twee voorspellingen. Hashtag merk. Nul – Nul, United.

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: With Jones out, injured by Smalling, and Smalling out, injured by Jones, Mourinho has a real defensive dilemma on his hands which he can easily fix by replacing the unavailable pair with two other defenders. Mata is also out because he’s hurt his winky, which pretty much guarantees a start for Fellaini, which pretty much guarantees three points. Point one, finesse is right out. Point two, goals are right out. Point three, I’m going right out. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Made a path today. Only for the side of the house where no-one goes but the service engineer moaned last time so its basically just for him, the selfish cunt. Went for a rustic effect by using bricks I found in the outside walls of my own house, then tied it all together with pea-shingle and kiln sand (special sand, you’ve probably never heard of it in your London ivory towers). Looked pretty good to be honest, solid 8/10. That’ll be £600.

Logan (2017)

As close to my actual real life as a fictional film can be, I really liked it when he killed people brutally in their faces with his adamantium claws. Richard E Grant is terrible but you have to admire his consistency. The exact opposite of London = Bad, this was actually very good.

Prediction: 1-1. Lol, because of all the draws. Its not that funny. Brett to get Graham Gooch inspired hair plugs.

m 

(@bifurcated_utd)

When I last watched football I was a balding, lonely, 38 year old man, with just two clowns for not-in-real-life-just-on-the-internet friends … and look at me now!!

I’d like to reiterate how nice it would be if someone were to take Benno to the football today. Someone a bit murdery, or with murderous tendencies preferable.

Call me an old fashioner, but I like it when we have all the players i.e when we don’t have to pick a team that loses to West Bromwich Albion cos Rooney and Fellaini.

Really hope Tom falls my service engineer April Fool and makes a path for the side of the house where no-one goes. This is Paul.

Prediction: We pick a team that loses to West Bromwich Albion cos Rooney and Fellaini. 0-0 United.

 (@Benglorious)

Conspiracy theories are as much a part of human existence as hair and the films of Adam Sandler. From the assassination of JFK to the rise of the Lizard People, from Elvis being alive to the moon landing being faked, proponents of these theories have long been dismissed as ‘unstable’ and ‘crackpot’. Until now. I’m here to blow the lid on what could be the biggest one to date, one that may go all the way to the top, and it’s been happening right in front of us the whole time.

Everybody knows, and loves, Aleksandr Orlov, the cravat-wearing meerkat, but does everyone remember that he first came to our attention complaining about people visiting his website in error? He had major beef with an insurance comparison company and then suddenly he became their major spokesfeline. You can see the fear in his eyes every time he’s forced to go on screen. Comparison website services have organised themselves into a shadowy cabal bent on world domination. When was the last time you bought insurance and DIDN’T use a comparison service? Why do we even need insurance? It’s a protection racket, and its dirty fingers are in every crevice in the world. Remember that cute, confused robot, Brian? He’s just disappeared off the face of the planet. Did he discover some dark secret or was he just a liability? I hope he was insured.

Prediction: Mourinho to be welcomed back to Goodison Park, scene of his happiest days as a manager. I bet he wished Ferguson never chose him. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Adam Sandler is as much a part of human existence as hair and conspiracy theories. But why? Happy Gilmore aside, his films are largely simplistic and jejune, he doesn’t know any meerkats and he loves insurance. At least Sylvester Stallone supports Everton honestly (Stallone has a well-documented Toffee habit, he misunderstood the concept)

Star Trek: Beyond (2016)

After all the hype, this latest addition – supposably a prequel?? – to the all-conquering Disney franchise left me cold. The trailer is in no way accurate; all the exciting new characters we saw aren’t even in it and although I knew there wouldn’t be *much* Vader, the trailer did suggest you’d at least see him on screen?? That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Homegirls dropping like the NASDAQ. Points docked for City Vs Chelsea (just because Mourinho wasn’t there doesn’t make it not his fault. Open your eyes) 3-0 United, Martial to score his customary 8.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Human existence is as much a part of human existence as dirty fingers. Nobody loves Alexander Kolorov, not even people who spell his name correctly. I’m going to blow Elvis’s lid.

Love going last, cos I can really flex my journalistic muscle. That aside, Jejune.

Prediction: Me to never give Benno and Tom the wages they so obviously deserve, let’s say a million pounds each, in the minus (anus). 0-0 United. Lizard People with their customary 8. JFK, top bins, from the edge of the grassy knoll. 

 (@Benglorious)

Jose has a lot to do to change United’s fortunes after suffering his eighty-ninth consecutive defeat earlier in the week. Another forty defeats or so and he may have to seriously start worrying about his job, particularly as David Moyes has won more games than him and is also available without a notice period as he is the literal worst at contact negotiations (see: Rooney, Wayne).

Prediction: Pogba to score one goal for every pound we paid for him. Rooney to eat one pound for every minute he’s been alive. Winner takes all. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Thank fuck Giggsy didn’t get the Swansea job (although it does mean we’ll miss out on hours of ‘will he celebrate if he wins’….swings and a roundabouts innit) Lose today and we’ll equal our worst ever start to a PL campaign unless there’s been a worse one. Should’ve given Moyes more time imho. Swansea is in Wales. I am doing short sentences this week.

X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

Not as bad as everyone said but still pretty bad. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: will to live, fading. Another goal-fest for United, 0-0 Nasri for Rooney. Please.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Gee whizz that Tom and Benno are carrying this site. I must remember to thank them.

Prediction: 0-0 United, some poor excuse about a promotion keeping me from doing anything ever. Very much looking forward to this blockbuster sequel. Hope they make Tchaikovsky proud.

Bournemouth were left speechless – GEDDIT?! cos mouth – as Juan Marta – GEDDIT?! cos sub – Wane Rooney – GEDDIT?! cos last 21 years – and Zlatan Ibrahitthenets – GEDDIT?! cos goals – hit them for six divided by two – GEDDIT?! cos maths and idiom*.

If the English Premier League stopped right now we would be crowned Champions. Providing when they stopped, they didn’t just stop completely, and were professional enough to want to complete all outstanding admin and tie up all loose ends. If they’re just stopping and fucking off to some diamond money superyacht in the Seychelles Islands, then we’re no better off than when Moyes was ‘ere.

*idiot.

‘Ere’s 5 tings us be learning abaat dat innit – GEDDIT?! cos street:

A) Didn’t watch it.

1. Having Shaw back is ace as he is ace.

2. Fellaini surprisingly not awful. Assume we’re in different timeline, will keep eye on.

3. Zlatan has converted me to love all things Swedish (I was holding a grudge over Saab)

4. Rooney is still bad. Is there a timeline where he isn’t? (I think you mean ‘when’? Lol. Abed)

5. Eric Bailly = opposite of London i.e. is actually good.

I) Something really caught my eye: a low hanging branch when I was on the way home this morning from my night shift. I was asleep when the football was on ie didn’t watch it. Even with my one good eye.