Keane and Vieira, Keown and Van Nistelrooy, Wright and Schmeichel, Wenger and Fergie, Wenger and Mourinho, Wenger and Dugout, 8 and 2, Title and Winning at Old Trafford, we gave your boys one hell of a drawing.

Here’s 5 things we learned from the latest war, in this war to end all wars in wardom:

1. Despite the result – perhaps the greatest injustice since Greedo shooting first – that was the best overall team performance this season. This is Paul, @ him if you disagree.

2. Herrera and Mata are like unicorns crossed with Jesus.

3. Tony V is the world’s greatest RB.

4. Giroud proper dyes his beard and has terrible taste in hats.

5. If we don’t score more goals than the other team then it is almost impossible to win.

6. Didn’t watch it.

7. Not surprised the unicorns were cross with Jesus tbh.

Bournemouth were left speechless – GEDDIT?! cos mouth – as Juan Marta – GEDDIT?! cos sub – Wane Rooney – GEDDIT?! cos last 21 years – and Zlatan Ibrahitthenets – GEDDIT?! cos goals – hit them for six divided by two – GEDDIT?! cos maths and idiom*.

If the English Premier League stopped right now we would be crowned Champions. Providing when they stopped, they didn’t just stop completely, and were professional enough to want to complete all outstanding admin and tie up all loose ends. If they’re just stopping and fucking off to some diamond money superyacht in the Seychelles Islands, then we’re no better off than when Moyes was ‘ere.

*idiot.

‘Ere’s 5 tings us be learning abaat dat innit – GEDDIT?! cos street:

A) Didn’t watch it.

1. Having Shaw back is ace as he is ace.

2. Fellaini surprisingly not awful. Assume we’re in different timeline, will keep eye on.

3. Zlatan has converted me to love all things Swedish (I was holding a grudge over Saab)

4. Rooney is still bad. Is there a timeline where he isn’t? (I think you mean ‘when’? Lol. Abed)

5. Eric Bailly = opposite of London i.e. is actually good.

I) Something really caught my eye: a low hanging branch when I was on the way home this morning from my night shift. I was asleep when the football was on ie didn’t watch it. Even with my one good eye.

Here’s the 5 things thing:

1) Beating goonsquad is always great (I re-learnt this).

2) I’ve worked out numbers.

3) Mata and Herrera and Memphis are good at football.

4) Marcus Rashford is a hammerlegend.

18) Would happily miss every match if it meant winning them all.

21) No I wouldn’t.

22) That’s just selfish tbqfhwy.

m

 Benno (@Benglorious)

To take my mind off the football I’m currently watching Making a Murderer. If this show had been one of those schlocky American 1-hour specials nobody would be talking about it, but spread it out over ten shows on a paid subscription service and suddenly it’s the greatest crime show there’s ever been. It’s not. That award goes to Murder, She Wrote, which fought off stiff competition from Quincy, M.E. and Jonathan Creek. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction:  Mata to score another disco goal and/or Martial to score another mad thing and/or Cantona to score another 1996 FA Cup Final volley. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

The name on the glass said ‘Tom McGhee: Private Investigator’ but the reflection staring back at me wasn’t so sure – it had been two weeks since my last case and in my book that was thirteen days too long; I needed a clue and a drink – one of them I knew where to find…

I awoke with a jolt, the click of a hammer being cocked behind my ear focusing my thoughts like only a loaded .38 can. “Stay away from the Fellaini Racket old man, you’ll only get hurt” (but in a really thick New York gangster accent I couldn’t type phonetically) Before I could move, two goons squeezed my spine like an accordion and started playing a polka with their brass knuckles. I’d always hated Mondays.

When I came to, my office was trashed and I was seeing stars. Reviewing the facts there wasn’t much to go on….questions rolled around my brain like a load of marbles on a rollercoaster: who were these mugs? What was this Fellaini trying to accomplish? I had a hunch that before it was over, I’d be sorry I asked…

Lost (season 3)

What the what?? Man is this confusing I don’t think Ben is very nice. Thats Ben from Lost not Benno from here although he is also a bit of a rascal at times once he put a banana in Judge Reinhold’s police car exhaust. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  0-0 United. Liverpool are not very good but then neither are we. Hard one to call so going with 3-3 because thats the last result I can remember.

.

 Brett(@it)

Meh.

Lol. That wasn’t even in reference to anything. I just said ‘Meh’, like out of nowhere. The implication I suppose is that I was reacting to something and that I was petulantly disagreeing with the general positive consensus, even though in actual fact I wasn’t reacting to anything. It just came to me. You can’t make that kind of improv up. Not. Reacting. To. Anything.

I just made that paragraph up off the top of my head. Off. The. Top Of. My. Head.

Meh.

I did it again. I. Did. it. Again.

This writering game is tough. This. Writering. Game. Is. Tough.

Meh.

Again etc. Again. Etc.

Prediction: 0-0. United and Liverpool to photo finish in third. All two ran. All. Two. Ran.