Benno (@Benglorious)

I don’t know much about replays (nobody does) but I really don’t want to sit through that drab 0-0 again (nobody does), so why BT Sport are showing the game again, nobody does.  It would make more sense (the cup’s format, not that previous sentence) for the two teams involved to play a completely new game as a way of deciding who goes through to the next round of the FA Cup to get knocked out by Norwich.  They could call this sort of game: “A Way Of Deciding Who Goes Through To The Next Round Of The FA Cup To Get Knocked Out By Norwich Brought To You By Ladbrokes And PG Tips And Lambrini And Milk”.  They could also put the game on telly.  People like telly.

Prediction:  If this is a completely new game, United will not make the same mistake twice that they’ve already done five or six times this season.  What this mistake is, nobody knows, but it’s cost Vangle points, ergo: it’s cost him prizes as well.  This has left Mrs Vangle still longing for a new Sodastream.  To ensure that Mrs V has an endless supply of drinks that stay fizzy for no more than forty seconds, United will pull out all the stops to get a comfortable win.  Fletcher will marshall the midfield alongside the rejuvenated Anderson leaving Rooney to play in his preferred role in attack.  He will gel seamlessly with Robin and they will score two goals each whilst the back four shut out the Cambridge attack with an effortless display.  1-0 Cambridge.

In the spotlight this week is Michael Carrick: He loves Stephen Fry novels, draught excluding and he never misses an episode of That 7o’s Show:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Was just gonna copy and paste what I wrote last time but turns out it was just a brief tirade about friday night football. This week, I will be mostly complaining about the pronunciation of ‘Cambridge': What’s the river called? The River Cam. So its Cam-bridge, not Camebridge. And these people are supposed to be our best and brightest. Idiots.

This is where a lazy writer would make a joke about the EuroMillions and it being the wrong day.

Prediction:  More goals than man, twisted and evil. FT: 12-12, United – the red ones – to go through on goodwill and camaraderie. 

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Kags, Chich, Danny, Apollo, Fletch, Mickey, Adrian, and now with Andesron leaving, that’s the last time we’ll see the Crazy Gang down Arnold’s. Apparently, even though Fletch claimed Chich and Kags hated each other, the fall out came years after; and that kiss was genuine. I’m just going to reflect on this paragraph before I continue.  .eunitnoc I erofeb hpargarap siht no tcelfer ot gniog tsuj m’I .eniuneg saw ssik taht dna after; sraey emac tuo llaf eht ,rehto hcae detah sgaK dna hcihC demialc hctelF hguoht neve ,yltnerappA .s’dlonrA nwod gnaG yzarC eht ees ll’ew emit tsal eht s’taht ,gnivael norsednA htiw won dna ,nairdA ,yekciM ,hctelF ,ollopA ,ynnaD ,hcihC ,sgaK

BOOM! And not only is that a brilliant joke about “reflecting”, it works wonders for my word count. Though, having said that, as they’re not actually words, not sure they actually count in the word count? I suppose it doesn’t matter too much because this paragraph has done just about the same job. Just need one more word. There.

Vangle needs to rethink everything apart from his hair imo. I know that’s at least 27 things after the last time I made a list of everything; so he’s got his work cut out. And he cuts his work out using Dutch Hallmark phrases poorly translated through Google Translate shaped into the concept of left handed safety scissors … but het is een marathon geen sprint.

Cambridge boss Cash Money said beating us tonight would be like winning the EuroMillions, but he’s made a classic error there in appropriating the joke with the wrong day. When we played them on a Friday that would have worked much better cos that’s when the EuroMillions draw actually takes place, so there’s an obvious etc…

Prediction: Tom to not have a clue how to use the simple copy and paste function, but make up some excuse about not wanting to. 4-1 United. The good one! No, the other one.

Benno (@Benglorious):

“Lololololo Radamel Falcao!”

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that tens of thousands of people laughing at their club’s latest signing can’t be good for the player in question’s confidence.  This showed last Sunday as the poor bloke started his United career with zero goals.  Seeing as this is what he was hired for, his new employers can’t have been that impressed.  Imagine a milkman on his first ever round failing to deliver any milk and you can maybe understand the gravity of the situation.  As supporters of the club, we should be getting behind our players and singing them songs of encouragement to help them perform better and to let them know that they have our loyalty and respect.  I know for a fact that Dave the milkman appreciated my efforts every morning right up until the court case.

That’s enough preaching for now as I’m only paid to write about the kicking and running part of the sport.  Lester is our opponent this weekend.  I’m assuming he’s got a big garden and at least ten mates or it’s going to be a bit of a wasted journey.  All I know about this Lester chap is that he likes foxes, crisps and Gary Lineker so he must be a sound bloke.

Prediction:  With a squad that includes Emile Heskey, Muzzy Izzet and Willy Thorne, Leicester will be no pushovers.  That being said, Di María will continue his already dazzling start in a United shirt by delivering two erection-inducing assists for Falcao to slot home just before half-time.  After the break, Mata will banana a free-kick of such perfection into the top corner that the referee will have no choice but to award two goals.  Leicester will become dispirited at this blatant disregard for the laws of the beautiful game, and this will leave them wide open for Herrera and Rooney to bag a cheeky goal each and finish the game off nicely.  1-0 Leicester.

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Brett:

Your going two half too bear width me, has Aimar lidl bit Russ tea, have in knot dunne this four sew long…

While hive bean a whey, hive bean biz he perfecting a real Lee a maze sink sand wedge analogy, in clue ding  sand wedge real hated fillings, bread, hand sew on hahn sew fourth – hit’s real he fun knee, heaven if eye do say sew mice elf, Butt Best key pit two mice elf has ewe well hone Lee one two steel hit hand go hair hound saying “hay list hen two this sand wedge analogy eye may dap. Doh nut list hen two Brett he dead knot may kit hoop, eye did” hand the hat sore tough thing. Hand hit goose width owts hay ink, hob via sleigh, eye have bean key ping hoop two date width hall the eggs siting trans fur hack tea VT.

Their the hat wasn’t sew bad. I donught no watt I was war read a bout. Stihl god it.

Prediction: Danny with is custom marry to. Pat Rice Evra two do watt head us best. RE O hand Vid Ditch two Ruel the deafens. Shin Gee Kag Aware two prove hide haul the ham you niche hen. Hand Cheek car heet hoe toes core juan fran the sub stitch chute bench. 1-0 Linekster. Like Bob’s use you all joke butt mush bet tuh!

I was at a family wedding while this game was being comfortably won by us, so I don’t really have much to say.

Because the family are awkward and that, and prawn sandwich eating Liverpool fans, they insisted on telling me the score at every available opportunity – just for something to say, other than “alreet youth?!” But they have to get up a little earlier in the evening to catch me napping … as if Giggsy’s team got beat 0-1 by NigelFargederland, at Old Trafford. I mean, do I look like I think the dictionary left gullible out this season?! They don’t leave a word like that out seven years in a row! Next thing they’ll be telling me is Jordan Henderson is a definite for the England squad, over and over (and over), all night – whether I’m listening or not.

I’m sure Swag’s performance, alongside Danny was beautiful. Danny must be getting pretty close to that 26 goal total I predicted.

I can’t wait to get back home and watch Match of the Day.

Ben (Benglorious):

Sunderland are the only team in the Premiership that use the full “A.F.C.” in their name.  Apart from Arsenal when they shorten their name and say the whole thing as an acronym.  Or Aston Villa when they both acronym (verb?) their name and drop the “Villa” bit.  And West Bromwich Albion when they do the same but not with “Villa”; they’d need to drop the “West Bromwich” bit as their name doesn’t contain the word “Villa”.  I checked.

Sunderland are also the only team to play in a red and white striped shirt apart from Stoke.  And Newcastle if their stripes were red and not black.  West Brom may also have a striped shirt but I don’t know how to check that.  The black shorts and socks that Sunderland wear are fairly common so I won’t go in to that.

Sunderland’s stadium is called the Stadium of Light, and a quick Something search reveals that this is in Lisbon, Portugal.  Bit weird as I’m pretty sure Sunderland is in the north-east of England and NOT South America, but this probably explains the poor attendances from the home fans.

Players to watch out for during Sunderland’s visit to our stadium [<<find out proper name, but it can wait until the Mentalist has finished] include Kevin “Charisma” Phillips, Danny “Somehow Transferred To Sampdoria From QPR” Dichio and Niall “Disco Pants” Quinn, whom I’m told has some of his own money in Sunderland.  Most likely in a bank or safety deposit box.

Prediction:  Coming off the back of the best win we’ve ever had with Giggsy as manager, United will be buoyant and looking for revenge on Sunderland for knocking them out of THE premier cup competition in one of the finest penalty shoot-outs the footballing world has ever witnessed.  Rooney has been like a new signing under the new gaffer’s watchful eye, and will add to his brace last week by scoring from 137 yards, opening the figurative floodgates for Mata and Kagawa to grab a cheeky goal apiece, Janozzo to steal in for an even cheekier goal before he’s subbed off for Welbz, who will zup zup in his usual zup-zupping style for the cheekiest goal of the lot.  Giggsy won’t ever be prouder than he will be right then.  1-0 Sunderland.

About the author:  I HAVE been to a football match before.  At least I think it was football.  This guy had sticks on his feet and moved side-to-side down a big white hill.  People were doing that loud happy noise thing they do when they like something, so I reckon it must have been football.

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Brett:

We owe the country this one. There’s no way we can let Paolo di Poyet’s lot gain any more momentum and escape the European election relegation zone. Only yesterday in the news I saw Paolo’s number two Nigel Clarkson being photographed with an egg, who I presume was part of the backroom staff. The punchline is ‘a yoke’.

Following my colleague Bert’s lead, I decided to do my own reee … reeeee…  reeeeeeee… looking up of information that someone has worked out how to store in the web world, and I found a really interesting one word sentence about it. I taped it onto a compact disc player, but there was no hole for it to come out of the internet machine, and there was no way I was going to waste my Thursday night writing it all down here. The History Channel, it’s ‘Ourstory’, but I’ll let it slide … are doing a special on some time that had happened before now, well, even before then, now, and certainly before I’ve written the next word. Even if I wrote now again, it wouldn’t be now.

Prediction: The presenter to walk around a place now, but that was there in the past, and talk about it now, but not about it now, now about its past, and repeat some points he’d made in the past, about some points that were about the past. Though the past points he repeated wouldn’t be as from the past as the initial points about the past he’d made, because he’d made them now, well, then. 

Ben (Benglorious):

Not really sure if there’s any point writing anything today.  Liverpool are cruising to the title as we speak, and I’m pretty sure that is one of the harbingers of the apocalypse.  Don’t quote me on that; it’s been a while since I read that Bible thing.  I suppose I should fulfil my contractual obligations to this website, before I spend the rest of my Bank Holiday finding a cheap lawyer to get me out of said contract.  Wonder if Paul Stretford does pro bono?  Why would anyone be pro-Bono?  The man’s so smug and self-righteous that I can’t even think of a half-decent analogy.

David Moyes has done pretty well this season, even after losing last season’s top goalscorer.  He’s had his poor moments, let’s be honest, but to still be challenging near the top of the table with the squad he’s got needs commend…

[Phone rings: “Hello?…. The United manager?!…. Since when?….. But what about Fergie?….. END OF LAST SEASON?! Jebus….. Then who…. The Wigan manager?….. Yup…. Yup….. Mmmhmmm….. I know, I know…. They asked ME to write for THEM, it’s not my fault that I know nothing about football, but having Moyes in charge would explain a lot about this season….. ……. ……. ……. …… …… …… I’ve tried, Mum, I don’t think enough people read this to be honest, and most people have laptops nowadays so they wouldn’t need your monitor…. Personally, I’d bin it, but I’m sure Oxfam would love it sitting on their shelf for 6 months before they throw it in the bin…. Sorry, you’ve thrown me a bit with that Fergie stuff….. Yup, I’ll keep trying…. Okay, then.  I’ll see you next Tuesday…..  Sorry!  I didn’t think you’d know what that meant.  Anyway, gotta go.  Love you, mummy.”]

Players to watch out for today would’ve included Fellaini, but apparently he plays for us now.

Prediction:  This is obviously a bigger game for the Toffees than for United, as they’ve got a realistic chance of finishing fourth.  That doesn’t mean that we should just hand them the game, and I fully expect Rooney to score from 117 yards against his old club, before Welbz zup zups his way through the Everton defence to slot a goal of the season contender all whilst De Gea throws himself about at the other end like Dr Octopus fighting Spiderman AND Green Goblin to keep the unlikeliest of clean sheets under immense pressure.  1-0 Everton.

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Free to a good home:  Rotary washing line, pegs not included.

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About the author:  I need to stop using Soccer AM for my research.

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Brett:

When we look back on this season, taking all things into account, we will no doubt look at the job David Moyes has done and realise just how good a manager he really is. He’s done amazingly well to shape the tired squad he was left with by his long serving Scottish predecessor. The way the previous manager had shaped the club tactically and mentally, meant he had his work cut out to put his own unique stamp on things, but he’s managed it seemingly effortlessly. The Fellaini transfer was an absolute masterstroke – never has a team needed a bold statement of intent like that to really push on and introduce a new, more dynamic, dimension to their attacking play.  He’s taken the step up in his stride: he always looked capable of going on to manage at a higher level, and he’s really shown that.

Oh, David Moyes is our manager, isn’t he?! I keep forgetting. Okay, the first paragraph still stands: just substitute David Moyes out for Roberto Martinez. I’d forget my neck if David Moyes hadn’t made me repeatedly smash it against a brick wall for the past 7 months. My head went a little bit before that.

So, will he play the triangle, or won’t he?! Personally, I think if he’s going to play anything at his leaving do, it should be the trombone.

Prediction: Manchester United to put in a complaint to the Premier League, stating that teams have been at an unfair advantage going into games against us knowing beforehand how rubbish we are, and they agree to play the whole season again.

Ben (Benglorious):

It’s here at last.  The big one I’ve been waiting for.  It’s been over a week since I last glued my eyes to something of such importance and intensity.  In the meantime, I’ve had to settle for the non-match of a comfortable win against one of the other Uniteds (I forget which).  Even Mata bagging his first brace (as predicted by me for a different match entirely) wasn’t enough to take my mind off the aforementioned “big one”.  I’ve been like a child adventing (if that’s not a verb, I’m ruddy claiming it) my way towards Exmas: counting down the days, consoling myself each morning with one less sleep to worry about, constantly checking the date and eating a disgusting chocolate in lieu of breakfast.  Fibre broadband was well worth the wait.

There’s some football on tonight as well, or so the so-called “authorities” would have you believe.  Just to keep off their radar, I’ll go along with their sham and write a few bits about it.  United flew to Europe yesterday (that’s tomorrow if you’re reading this Monday just gone) for their match against their opponents at their opponent’s stadium in their opponent’s country.  This is the second leg of the match, which I assume is best of three sets.  The winner of this match goes on to some form of round-robin-winner-takes-all-next-goal-wins-can’t-tag-your-butcher-pistols-at-dawn-big-championship game.  Then they give the trophy to Barcelona.

Players to watch out for tonight include Juan Mata, who no doubt will get his fair share of camera time (why have we taken a player who can’t even play (not you, Clevz)?  No bloody wonder the club’s in so much debt); Bastian Schweinsteiger, who no doubt will also get his fair share of camera time due to him nearly killing Rooney in the last game (that’s if he’s even got the guts to show his face.  I would if I was him: tickets must be well cheap at your own stadium if you’re a player); and finally, the whole team playing against us (someone told a mate of mine that they’re supposed to be quite good.  Said “mate” then relayed this information to me.  I wrote it down here.  The technical term for this is “research”.

Prediction:  Moyes will have learned from the last outing that Fellaini is only cut out for chest tricks and time-wasting, so he will be saved for when we need to protect our lead.  To get into this “lead” situation I’ve just mentioned, and which I assume is a good thing, Rooney will score from 97 yards, Welbz will zup zup for Brett’s customary two and Good Kagawa will be the glorious architect of it all; cementing his place in the annals of United history.  Glory, Glory Man United!!!  1-0 Bayern

No offerings from Mum today, although she did give me a yoghurt which I ate.

About the author:  I didn’t really eat it.

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Brett:

What part of ‘you don’t have to play Wayne Rooney in every single game to get the best out of our squad, to play the most magical football (that we are more than capable of playing), to facilitate the enjoyment of football for all United’s fans and all interested neutrals, to get the best results, and to make the world a better place’, does Moyes not understand? Oh actually, I just worked it out: it’s the ‘don’t’ bit.

The allegation – or is it the crocodilation (I can never tell the difference) – levelled at us by most sane people, after the first leg, was that we’re too regressive to progress; and thus haven’t got a chance. But I read in a book once that ‘history teaches us that it’s often the ‘mad’ ones that get it right’, and if it’s in a book then it must be true. I’ve never read anything in a book to make me doubt that things in books aren’t true. Have you? Didn’t think so. I have only read that one book, and I only skimmed it, cos I was watching Take Me Out and Paddy had just said something right funny (you had to be there), but still … if we can just find someone mad enough to predict a United win, then I’m pretty sure that means it’s going to happen. Are you still with me? Good.  Well, can you explain to me what on earth I just said? ‘cos I stopped listening/caring about 580 posts ago. If I’m honest I sometimes drive myself … mad. Hold on a minute…!

Prediction: 2-3. Danny with his customary two. The other from Swag. POTY in waiting Dave to do as he do (#VoteDave). The David Moyes we’ve got to remove his mask and reveal he was the David Moyes we hoped we might be getting, all along.

The massive contract, the neglecting of the rest of the squad for the whole season, kissing Wayne’s gluteal folds in public view, trying to replace the devil on the crest with Rooney’s face, all worth it, as Moyes finally gets the best 90 minutes out of Wayne Rooney for years.

What a joy: Shinji, Juan, and Adnan. Imagine inviting Danny to that party. The football even rubbed off on Ashley Young. And even Fellaini … albeit briefly … if you squinted a bit. The myth Moyes has been trading under that our squad lacks the necessary quality, beyond RVP and Rooney, totally exposed as the misdirection it in fact is.

Even Dez looked like he enjoyed himself for the first time this season for a bit, weighin in with a standard Chich, after missing a textbook Chich. When we inevitably lose him in the summer, to a team who actually value proper goalscorers, I hope I don’t come to resent the ‘C’ celebration; I mean it’s very becoming now, cute even, but …

Almost most enjoyable of all, was Lindegaard’s one-man-show: ‘How to make ordinary saves appear more spectacular, so as to present yourself as a more than adequate replacement for the irreplaceable’ A tour-de-force! Bravo!

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Worst. European. Game. Ever

Cowardly tactics, betraying the United tradition.

Stone-Age formation.

£300K a week for Rooney? Disgraceful gamesmanship.

Not that warm.

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Ben (Benglorious):

Best. European. Game. Ever!!!

The tactics were spot on, befitting our underdog status and getting us a tidy result.

Moyes’ formation choice was excellent, forcing the Germans out wide to be comfortably dealt with by Büttner and Jones.

Rooney was immense!! I’d pay him £300k A DAY purely for getting that plain-faced obersturmführer sent off.

It may have been a bit chilly at Old Trafford, but you could feel the heeeeeaaaTTTT from the atmosphere, even from home.

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Brett:

Like no one ever says: the best form of defence is defence. The site of Phil Jones chucking himself about like a child on the back fields was a beautiful thing. Even Buttner didn’t do too good, which is a massive improvement from him. Vidic was almost Vidic-y, and scored a quite magnificent Chicha. And we all know about Dave and his ability to rhyme with what he does bestest. Well. Done. All.* *Let’s pretend Rio didn’t play.

As for the rest of ‘em: they all played their part. Defending from the front, wing, Bayern’s area, and the bench. Still expect more from Rooney in these games, but maybe I should remember that I’d decided to start expecting less, so I could be happier with him. Fellaini didn’t do too good, which for him is a massive improvement.

Interestingly, as in not interesting at all, but you’re reading this, so I’m guessing by now you’re used to that on here: I was speaking to someone who loves Shinji Kagawa to bits, and yet hates Danny to smithereens. Imagine that. What a messed up individual. That’s like loving love, yet hating … no, that doesn’t work. Tis an oxymoron.

We are more powerful than they can possibly imagine … occasionally.

About the author: Someone asked me if my prediction in the last game was a true story … I enjoyed a very cordial conversation with everyone in my local, amongst friends, as I always do.

Ben (Benglorious):

Champions League quarter finals, eh?  Whodathunkit after the season we’ve had, eh?  Hang on…  Why are they called ‘quarter finals’ anyway?  Do the matches only last twenty-two and a half minutes or are we only allowed two and three-quarter players on the pitch?  I suppose nobody will ever know.

I did some research into our opponents, and it turns out that this is the first time we’ve ever played Bayern Munich.  We did beat a Bayern München in 1999 to complete some sort of historic ‘trouble’.  Actually, now that I think about it, I DID have a lot of trouble getting down Deansgate to work one day that year, due to thousands of people shouting at a bus.  Maybe the two things were related?  Again, nobody will ever know.

Players to watch out for tonight include the facially-scarred evil Gary Neville, or Gary N-evil; Stefefefefefan Effefefefefefenberg, the Swedish goal-machine, and; Dante, who’s taken time off from his scribblings about the human soul to become one of the world’s most coveted defenders.

Prediction:  Apparently, Shinji never lost a game against these guys whilst he played in Germany, so I’m expecting him to score at least two from his preferred position sitting behind David Moyes.  I’m also expecting Rooney to score from 77 yards tonight, cementing a comfortable, albeit unexpected win to cheer up all the United fans.  1-0 Bayern.

Mum’s got a LG 15″ LCD monitor up for grabs if you want it.  Let me know or it’s going to Oxfam.

About the author:  I lost my first draft of this, so actually used my prodigious memory for something other than rubbish jokes and movie quotes for the first time in 20 years.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I have to say, regardless of the history, the occasion, and despite being a personal fan, I have never rated Baron Munchausen. Although it has all the trademarks usually associated with Gilliam’s work – it looks voluptous, the pythonesque surrealism etc – there’s no real sense of proportion to the visual magnificence and narrative. Whereas Twelve Monkeys uses the surreal to propel and assist the story, Baron simply degenerates into a sprawling mess of over-blown ideas and narcissism. It’s a sad indictment of our season that come the quarter-finals of the Champions League, we’re discussing the life and works of Terry Gilliam rather than some top European football….

Anyway, that said, I do have some good news: earlier this week, whilst in the first class lounge awaiting another international flight to Miami,  I did have the good fortune to bump into a certain character popular amongst fans this season – what follows is the subsequent and very impromptu interview.

TM: What with SAF retiring, David Moyes tenure getting off to a less than auspiscious start and in relation to your own well-documented set-backs, what do you make of DM’s United career so far?

LZ: To be honest – and this is perhaps easier for me because I’m essentially a sentient machine with incredible power – it kinda reminds me of Starscream’s ill-fated stab at command after Megatron’s “death” after the Battle of Autobot City* ie Not the best.

TM: As a galactic warlord who is renowned for his ruthlessness (who can forget Nebulos?!), how would you address the current predicament?

LZ: In the old days, Megatron would just order Scorched Earth, annihilate everyone involved and start over with powerful incentive driven demands. However, given the binary bonding process that led to the ceation of Head/Target/Power Masters, I’d advise cutting your losses, bringing in Klopp and giving him in free rein to rebuild the team. But then I again, I support QPR! (laughs)

TM: Do you think we’ll be back in the frame next season?

LZ: No F*&%ing chance

TM: Messi or Ronaldo?

LZ: Ronaldo for me – Messi is like Optimus Prime; he’s awesome but he’s just such a boy scout its hard to like him – he just makes you feel worse about yourself. No, if I was a footballer, I’d be Ronaldo – powerful, fast, my own underwear collection and totally consumed by self-interest.

TM: Since the threat of Unicorn and your apparent ceasefire/self-sacrifice, has there been any definitive talks for a permanent peace?

LZ: Who writes these questions? (laughs) right – firstly, that whole spiel was done to sell shirts, nothing more; it was out of character, served no real purpose – I’m a machine, just rebuild me?! – and was handled with such an over-abundance of sentimentality it besmirched nearly everything else I’d achieved. Secondly – everyone’s always banging on about the Cybertronian Wars….put it this way: there’s ONLY Liverpool and United fans in existence. And you’ve got guns.

TM: And finally: Do you feel short-changed by the increasingly inept Transformers franchise?

LZ: Yes. Yes I do.

*Zarak went on to suggest that calling it a city, when it clearly only had about 12 inhabitants, was just one of the reasons the Autobots really grind his gears.

Just been told that interviewing Lord Zarak (aka Scorponok) doesn’t count as a thing and that it’s Bayern Munich we’re playing. Which does make more sense if I’m honest. If this were Transformers, Bayern would go 2-0 up, a leader would fall (Let’s say Rio. It’s for the best) and a young upstart (Welbz obvs) would seize the Creation Matrix enabling United to win 7-2. But this isnt Transformers. Despite the lack of coherence and shoddy animation.

Prediction: Man will eventually develop telekinesis

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Brett:

There’s no point in this opening paragraph. I genuinely do think Bayern are over-rated, though that looks really rubbish now as an opening bit, cos of what Tom said in his opening bit – thanks Tom, yeah, love you too. Didn’t think it was true what they* said about you, but now I’m coming round. I was going to say something about never telling anyone that and then I was going to go on to say that it’s because they’ll chuck ugly things at me like facts and reason and all that. But since the incident that I just mentioned what with Tom getting his opening bit in first I can’t be b

Whatever else is going on at United, getting this far in the Champions’ League should be seen as a wonderful opportunity for Bayern to rotate their squad, rest a few players, try out some set plays, that sort of thing – before things get serious for them in the next round.

A midfield of Giggs, Fellaini and Fletch would please me. Though in all honesty any midfield we pick could get the upper-hand over theirs, so long as they give us a 3,475 pass head start. Though taking into account our passing accuracy, better round that up to nearer 3,476.

As for Pep Guardiolaaaaaaaaah aaaah.Haha! Not again lads. You nearly had me there. Growing a team in his back garden is he? Using canes to prop the midfield up no doubt? Hey?! Don’t tell me he’s … Oh, that’s Gladioli. Anyway, Pep Guardiola. Nice one. You’ll have to get up a lot earlier on April Fools Day etc Haha!                                                      Ha.                                                                          Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Regardless of how well we won’t or really won’t play, I’m looking forward to participating in the experience and experiencing my participation in it.

Prediction: 1-1. The regulars to do an impression of me by putting on a Northern accent and ‘bigging up Danny’, when they think I’m not looking – though I’m secretly actually looking. Then to blank me when I try to join in any conversation, though I actually don’t want to even join in their rotten conversation. And then Mike’s teenage son to round the night off perfectly by looking at me with utter disdain, as I sit in the corner, alone. Oh, wait, that was every other week. Maybe tonight it will all be different…

*your family

Ha.