*That’s funny cos the middle bit where it says ‘Week Uno’ is in white, so you can’t see what it says. What it says, I guess we’ll never know.

This isn’t just a lazy/crass cut and paste of our “best” Twitter bits…

It is. Bite us.

“I despaired when Brett, who shall remain nameless, said we had to do this review, but that was only until I realised how little effort was required. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A perfect summer blockbuster!! Would read again.” – B. Glorious, LA Times

“Can’t believe that Brett, who shall remain nameless, didn’t even take the time to embed the tweets in the hope of maximising our #numbers, thus clinching that big money sponsorship from a bookmaker’s that every internetter craves. That aside, pretty good.” – T. McGhee, Exchange & Mart

“You’re all fucking idiots.” – P. R. Antcast, Guns & Ammo

X X X X X X X X X X X X X 

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Friday night is the best time for football.  The shops are shut so I don’t have to go shopping and it’s too dark for DIY. Actually, sod the football, I’m out of here.

Opposition Summary:  Villa did well to stay up last season, so it’s lucky that they kept Benteke or else they’d be in big trouble this time around.

Prediction:  Villa captain Micah Richards has a lot of pressure on him tonight.  The former City defender knows he has a lot to live up to in his new role, especially after his predecessor did so well.  Kyle Walker fulfilled his role as Vangle’s secret striker perfectly last week, so Richards will need to be on form if he wants to impress the United fans.  0-0 United.

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I’m preparing the BBQ, but having trouble after the judge said I wasn’t allowed within 23 feet of flammables, after the incident with the deaf school. Wasn’t my fault they couldn’t hear the alarm ffs.

Prediction: Sausages. Burgers. And green bull shit for Brett and Paul.

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  Brett (@GarethgatingSue)

I’m not here. I’m mentally preparing to meet those fockers, like in the film Zoolander.

Hopefully, our ghost writer @Ab5y will write something funny here, like he does every week. AS LONG AS HE CAN HOLD THE PEN WITH THOSE GHOST HANDS! BOOM!!

Prediction: Danny with his custody battle. The Aston Villa manager (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) to disappear (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) because of Marryone Fellaini (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) standing in front of him (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) on the touchline … Can’t see Sherwood for the Tree. Vangle to take Sherwood back to school. Woodwork class. Am I getting paid for this? 0-0.

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely. 

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

If we were playing Tottenham, I could make some spurious reference to Kyle Walker’s alleged love of dogging.  We’re not.

Prediction: Gundogan to start in place of Carrick for his 100th appearance for the club, Hummels will continue his recent run of goalscoring with yet another header from a set-piece, Falcao will score Danny’s customary two and two of the previous statements are far more likely to happen than the other one.  1-0 Everton.

Where are they right now?

Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira

Frozen in this pose forever.

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 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Completely forgot all about football until this morning and have been busy sitting since.

Prediction:  Benno to finally snap and kill all of us for never doing any work.  2-1 United.

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 Brett (@DaySixofThirtyInTheHole)

Made friends today by “looking after” something for my cellmate, God rest his soul.

Prediction:  Irish Pete with his customary one in the shower, followed by Big Sal eating my lunch.  3-2 United.