Benno (@Benglorious)

After Saturday’s resounding victory over the Manchester United of Newcastle, tonight sees Vangle’s boys take on their lesser-known neighbours, the FC United of Manchester of Newcastle: Newcastle.

FC United of Newcastle have struggled for the last couple of games ever since Kevin Keegan stopped being their manager all those years ago. The current incummerbund is John Carver.  He’s not fooling anyone with that name though, as anyone with at least one eye can see that he’s just a fat Joey Barton.

His team are known as the ‘Mags’ due to their dislike of metal spokes on their BMX’s.  Will anyone get that?  Has that ever bothered me before?  The most likely response to both of those questions is ‘no’, but I don’t think we’ll ever know the real answers.

Newcastle players to look out for tonight include Kevin Kilbane, Fabricio Colonoscopy and Sting.

Prediction:  Vangle will complete his dominance over the top-right bit of England tonight, finally proving that he is the best manager in the entire history of the Premiership League.  Even Alan Shearer and Jackie Milburn coming back from the dead Roy-of-the-Rovers-style and scoring two each wouldn’t be enough to stop the unstoppable Red (with some white trim and white shorts and black socks) Army tonight.  Roonsquad will continue his recent burst of goals with a hat-trick, the much-maligned Falcao will become much-aligned with a brace of his own and the third goal will be scored by someone who can do maths.  1-0 Newcastle.

Once Anders had convinced me that he really did play for United, I was only too happy to immortalise him as I’m running really low on players.  He told me his favourite things were jive dancing, talking jive and Jive Bunny:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Tom doesn’t believe in Newcastle.

Update:  He thinks he may be wrong as they do seem to be a thing – he’s watching them on his telly right now.  The Jonas brothers are playing.

Prediction:  Tom’s sheltered world to come crashing down around his ears only for his behemoth shoulders to come to his rescue and protect his tiny sparrow hips.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Was so great to see the woven mauven haired wonder, Capper Roon, hitting top form at the weekend, with a couple of onion-bag busting crackeroos to really get the end of season party started in super-sized milkshaking-to-the-yarding style! Time and time again Skipperoo lights the touch paper on the furnace of our imagination at the business end of the season*, single-handedly skulduggering us to trophy after trophy, and it looks like this season will be no different to the rest!! #GGMROO more like..!

If I were Newcastle I’d be sitting this one out and taking the Pools Panel 0-3 loss…

BUT** … it appears Boss Roonski might just have his work cut out this Wednesday night, as the Newcastle line-up, according to my m8 Paul from Newcastle, is full of modern day super-heroes, and they’re managed by one too: Johnman Carverman. That’s funny cos all Newcastlers say ‘man’ after everything they say, like Timman Krulman, Darylman Janmaatman, Gabrielman Obertanman, Siemman deman Jongman. For example. But in theory much funnier. And less racist.

*why is it called the ‘business end’ of the season when all the buying and selling happens at the other, exact opposite end, and in the middle? It’s the least businessy bit of the whole thing tbh. It’s no wonder football dies in the autumn of 2016.

** I like these and I can not lie.

Prediction: 0-0.

The massive contract, the neglecting of the rest of the squad for the whole season, kissing Wayne’s gluteal folds in public view, trying to replace the devil on the crest with Rooney’s face, all worth it, as Moyes finally gets the best 90 minutes out of Wayne Rooney for years.

What a joy: Shinji, Juan, and Adnan. Imagine inviting Danny to that party. The football even rubbed off on Ashley Young. And even Fellaini … albeit briefly … if you squinted a bit. The myth Moyes has been trading under that our squad lacks the necessary quality, beyond RVP and Rooney, totally exposed as the misdirection it in fact is.

Even Dez looked like he enjoyed himself for the first time this season for a bit, weighin in with a standard Chich, after missing a textbook Chich. When we inevitably lose him in the summer, to a team who actually value proper goalscorers, I hope I don’t come to resent the ‘C’ celebration; I mean it’s very becoming now, cute even, but …

Almost most enjoyable of all, was Lindegaard’s one-man-show: ‘How to make ordinary saves appear more spectacular, so as to present yourself as a more than adequate replacement for the irreplaceable’ A tour-de-force! Bravo!

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Hands up if you’re also approaching this derby with audible caution. Both teams have great strikers, and faltering defences. Could be a cricket score, could be a scoreless draw. We could win it, they could win it. It’s far too close to call, and even if it doesn’t end up being a classic, it’ll be almost impossible to tear your eyes away from it. Thing is, it’s so tough to pick a winner because both teams are capable of so much more than we’ve seen this season. Both of us have had a season filled with tight, tense games. City have been getting late winners and United have been coming from behind. And yet even though we’ve flattered to deceive on so many occasions, we’re starting to pull away from third as early as December. To be honest, I’d feel quite proud if I didn’t feel like we were severely pushing our luck every week.

To be honest, despite Lindegaard, Jones and Smalling all getting games recently, the back five should be the same as it’s been for most of the season; De Gea back in net, Rafael, Evra, Rio and Evans. Job done. God knows what we’ll do with that midfield with Cleverley out, though. That’d leave us with only Giggs, Scholes, Carrick and Young fit and available. Doesn’t scream comfort, does it? Maybe that joke about a Ji-Sung Park emergency loan isn’t a terrible idea after all. Anyone know how to get him to channel the spirit of that performance against Pirlo in 2010…?

It’s worth thinking about just where we’d be without Van Persie this season, too. We’ve had large defensive and increasing midfield injuries again this season, but we’re top of the league, and through to the last sixteen in Europe. He’s scored 13 goals, and his presence and hard work has brought goals for those around him, too (that free kick for Hernandez’s goal v Villa. Phwooar). Without that added threat, who knows where we’d be? He’s the real spearhead in our attack, allowing Rooney to pull the strings when he has the space, and for the most part, it’s working. Take him out of the equation, and we’d be in a much more difficult position coming into the derby on Sunday.

All won’t be lost if we lose; we’ll be joint top on goal difference (in December this time, thank eff) with a long way left to try and turn things around. But, after last year’s league derbies, it will be so important to get a performance this weekend. Last season, we were destroyed at home, and at the Etihad, we wilted and lost our grip on the league. If our defence continues its self-imposed awareness hiatus, then we’ll be relying on our attack again. I know; I can’t wait either.

Predictions: 1-1. Too scared to predict a win, too confident to think we’ll lose.

By the final whistle, I hope that: We’ll have seen at least two shots of Joe Hart with his hands on his hips in dismay. Same for Tevez. His celebrations are always, ALWAYS awful to behold against us. Fingers crossed for all involved that no one decides to say “CARLOS TEVEZ BITES THE HAND THAT USED TO FEED HIM.”

Brett:

Have I told you lately, that I love U-nited? Well, I do, and more often than is healthy, this blinds me to reality – this is possibly one of those occasions. *Sharp intake of breath* I’ve got the most wonderful feeling that we’re going to thrash them!! Hold on a second, before all three of you who sometimes skim read this close your web browser … I’M DEADLY SERIOUS!!!!!! Okay, you can close the browser now.

We are struggling a teeny, tiny bit with defence, granted, but with De Gea coming back into the side, and Rio and Jonny at centre, much of those problems (brought about by reintegrating unfit players into the matchday squad) will disappear. THE midfield “issue” has been going on so long, that at some point we’re just going to have to accept Roy’s gone, never to return. Carrick always does well against City’s midfield – barring individual errors. Whoever slips in alongside him will be brilliant (hopefully Cleverley will be fit). Up top we’re devastating at times, and at some point, it’s all going to click and someone is going to feel the full brunt of that (City this weekend).

City are struggling more than the results suggest. They used up much of their individual and collective mental strength (or arrogance, whichever) last season. Their poor defence is currently being held together by masking tape a.k.a a broken Vincent Kompany and even Joe Hart is feeling the pressure of that. Their midfield hasn’t worked, as Mancini’s poor signings have disrupted, not consolidated what they already have. The three big problems, Silva, Aguero and Toure have been bitty, at best, so far.

So, when we’ve stuffed a hatful in the onion bag, and everyone’s saying, “No-one could have predicted that”, point them in my direction.

Prediction: 2 -5

Goals: ORVP 2, Rooney, Danny 2

I had something really meaningful and poignant to say, but I’ve forgotten what it was, so you’ll have settle for the usual babbling.

I never said I knew anything about football, so there was no need to believe me when I said that Reading posed no threat – in truth, the only threat came from ourselves. The defence having settled for a bit, is perversely becoming unsettled by the return to fitness of all personnel. As for Lindegaard, he’s an excellent keeper, but his form is unfortunately effecting that unsettled defence too.

Going forward we are looking so brilliant in flashes. Some of our pay is mouthwatering and I’m choosing to concentrate on that rather than the other (above).

Anderson continued to look good his goal was a beauty. Rooney and ORVP (who probably might have had a hat-trick) also looked unplayable at times. Again, brilliant to see Fletch getting more game time; along with Smalling and Jones.

Bring on City … we’re gonna stuff ‘em.

MOTM: Rooney (HE SCORED A PENALTY!)

They say the best form of defence is attack, they don’t say the best form of attack is defence.

Anderson passed the test – only a couple of months of this kind of form and we can start to think about thinking his United career could have turned a corner. There’s been too many false dawns to get too excited just yet. He can be very brilliant though, and I’d love him to grow into the player he threatens to become.

I predicted an O.G, does that count?

I’ve no idea what’s going on with the goalkeeper situation, just when it looked like De Gea had claimed it, Lindegaard starts getting the nod, despite not looking all that great (although, not exactly bad either). fhfnsntyiypdoswfbfbfjdnnfnnfoiwe!!! I think we can all agree. Have I missed something? Is De Gea injured?

West Ham were always going to cause us problems with their “direct” style, but I thought we dealt with it relatively well. The rest of it was good to average, with a bit of very good. The great thing is the team will soon be galvanised by a fully fit squad all jostling for their status.

Iwan: (@Iwanlehnert)

So far in Group H, Braga have gone from the ignominy of a 2-0 defeat to Cluj despite having over twenty shots on goal to a morale-boosting victory in Istanbul in, which is hardly the simplest of tasks. They’re clearly capable and will attempt to exploit what will surely be a less experienced defence without Ferdinand and Evra. Given that Fletcher took no part on Saturday, a home game in the Champions League is the perfect test of his fitness and ability on this level. He’ll come under pressure because Braga, like so many before them will want to make a good account of themselves at Old Trafford, and without an experienced head, the defence will need some decent protection.

That defence looked wobbly on a few occasions at the weekend, especially for Kightly’s goal. He should never have been allowed to run at goal like that without being properly challenged, and it was a cheap goal to give away considering how thoroughly in control United were.

When this year’s Champions League campaign kicked off against Galatasaray, I was hoping for an emphatic, grandiose and thoroughly statement-making response after last season’s frequent calamities. But after two wins by single goal margins, forget it. Considering that we fell well short in both the result and performance department last season, I’ll happily keep on taking slim results if it gets us to the last 16. The performances can follow because the team’s confidence when playing in Europe needs to be rebuilt. Three wins from three would definitely be welcome, however they come.

All in all, United have responded pretty well since the Spurs defeat. Ferguson has probably looked at tonight’s match as somewhat less important than Sunday afternoon’s visit to Stamford Bridge, hence giving a few of our older defenders a rest (that notion of playing our strongest XI in Europe lasted long, then…). That’s all gravy; squad rotation needs to happen, and Ferdinand and Evra are not the springiest of chickens, but those picked to start tonight hopefully won’t be expecting an easy evening and cast a wandering eye on Chelsea. If they are, they should be made to watch replays of both Basle games from last season as punishment.

Brett:

I know I told us to “ill”, but it struck me just this second (as I started writing)  that we’re in imminent danger of slipping into the same trap as last season of not taking the competition seriously at this stage. I say this because there’s definitely an air of Braga being a formality, however they beat Galatasaray 2-0 away, and we know Galatasaray are no push-overs.

I don’t think we will lose – if we were away, maybe  – but I’m certainly not confident.

It’s great that Kagawa will be playing (not just cus I’m watching the game), and Fletcher should get another ninety minutes (when does he make the next step?). With either Lindegaard or De Gea in goal we’ll be okay in that department too. Unlike me, I’m concerned with everywhere else, because I’m concerned that the team we’ll be putting out won’t be equipped to deal with the opposition’s potential threat. Maybe it’s just the strange Rio/Fergie fall out/not fall out fall out. Maybe it’s just because Rio’s tweet I read this morning has sent me into an existential crisis *Never believe everything u read* Does that mean we CAN believe eveything we read – you know what I’m saying?! I just feel uneasy.

Prediction: 2-1

Goals: Kagawa and Fletcher (Aren’t I imaginitive)

Iwan: (@Iwanlehnert)

Apprehensive. That’s as easily as I can describe it. Beating Cluj, despite being away from home, was expected and whilst they pressed for an equaliser late on, winning 2-1 was the least we could do. This is the actual post-Spurs test to really gauge how United want to respond after a bad result, and in some ways, the biggest of the season. Chelsea have been blazing an annoyingly effective trail this season, and we’re currently seven points away from the league summit before today’s game. Don’t get me wrong, this is not some panic-stricken plea for a response after Spurs finally got one over on us, but we were expected to win in Romania in midweek. A Sunday afternoon game at St James’ (point out my error and I’ll feed you to the topless Geordies) is an occasion and arguably a real test considering how hard Newcastle matches are becoming. Almost everyone bemoaned our inability to perform in the first half, and I’m still getting my head around starting three of our slowest players in midfield with Bale and Lennon so close; here’s a chance to prove that Ferguson can pick the right team and his players can start matches strongly and not concede first.

Chances of that panning out that way? Slim, my friend. Slim. It’s a worrying sight to see United have to keep coming from behind and it’s a bad habit that they need to get out of, and I don’t think the manager can do much more than he undoubtedly has done to get his team to start playing better quicker. They have to figure this out themselves and make sure we’re not relying on a Rooney pass to Van Persie in order to salvage a result. This is especially important because Newcastle will more than happily put us under the same amount of pressure that saw them hammer us 3-0 in January. If United are ready for it, and respond to it, then we’ll be ok. If we don’t, then Ba and Cisse will happily have their way with us.

Predictions: Expect at least one winger, a great atmosphere, and a performance by Newcastle that will warrant at least a point. Whomever leads the line today needs to be ruthless.

Brett:

Despite every sinew of my body expecting to feel apprehensive (I wrote this before Iwan sent his – so strange to use the same word) about this game – especially after last week – I feel surprisingly confident. I never EVER feel good before a Newcastle game at St. James’s (in the Prem). I don’t know what’s brought it on – it’s certainly not the team. I just have a good feeling, so I’m just gonna go with it.

Like I said, until there’s something new to say, I’m not going to keep repeating myself in these prediction posts. I hope De Gea starts, cus I think we have a better chance of winning with him in the team than with Lindegaard. That’s it.

Newcastle are looking better than a couple of weeks ago – thanks to Ba’s goals (That volley last week was a beaut! Come to think of it, so was the one against us last season *GULP*) and the return of Tiote to fitness. Cisse has started scoring in the cup competitions, but I just think they’re not they’re yet. Now is a good time to play them. I’m not mad. *who said that – Rainbow! Unicorn!*

Prediction: 1-4 Yes, you heard right. Titter ye not!

Goals: Rio, Evra, (O)RVP, Danny.

On an emotionally charged day for many the game thankfully played out relatively trouble free. Suarez shook hands. Fergie’s letter was well received. Calls for calm from all quarters were respected. Let’s hope those responsible for such an appalling injustice can be held to account.

The game itself said much about the form of the two sides as Liverpool looked clunky and couldn’t find the net and we were showing just what being ‘slow starters’ is all about. My friend Rob – despite my pleas for no texts as I wasn’t actually watching the game live – insisted on texting me with *Got the ref on ur side* *Your ref is shocking!* and *And again.* . He had a point – sort of. The sending off was obviously pivotal and I still can’t decide (after watching it a few times) who’s clearly making much the worst tackle out of Shelvey and Jonny Evans. The diving of Suarez (sorry, simulation) is boring and our penalty – although “dodgy” – was definitely a penalty on further inspection. How the referee gets all those right at the time, I’m not entirely sure … I guess that’s Robs point. Ahhh, what does he know?!

My nerves owe Van Persie a huge debt after he finally ended our spot hex – albeit by the smallest of margins. That could have dragged on and become “A Thing”. It’s still a bit of a thing, but less so. Yay for RVP! Rafa’s goal was an absolute peach. A proper pitchin’ wedge. Really excited about the way he’s started the season (mostly).

I was shocked to see Lindegaard in goal. I think I prefer him, but I do think De Gea is the future. I would definitely prefer a bit of continuity, at least I think I would. Whatever works.

MOTM: TV – cus I haven’t given him one yet, so there.

We need to at least pretend we’re beginning to think about shifting through the gears soon. Maybe the return of Rooney will help with that.

It’s always nice to give a team a bit of a thumping, especially when you’re still not really out of third (even second) gear.

I really like the look of Nick Powell; even though we have seen little of him. His goal was real quality and I he’s already becoming one of my new favourites as I disperse much of the affection – left by the Berbatov shaped hole – around the squad.

We’re still a work in progress – in terms of this season – as the first half showed. Great to see Lindegaard get a game (I love the battle that’s brewing between him and De Gea for the Number 1 shirt) and keep a clean sheet. Also pleasing to see Evans back playing, especially with the news Phil Jones will be missing for a while. Generally, with a few key attacking players out, we can’t really criticise too much.

Chicha looked sharp in part and Danny just needs a bit of luck in front of goal (hopefully we’re not saying that ad infinitum). Nani was Nani was Nani was Nani. Buttner looks like a left-back cut from the slightly unhinged cloth. It’s nice to think we might just have stumbled upon a capable deputy for the ever decreasing Evra (although way to early to tell).

Man of the Match: I can’t believe it Scholesy … Actually, I can.