*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

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2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

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3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

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4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

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5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

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7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

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8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

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9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

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10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

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Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

For now.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Good to see us win in the style of Manchester United of old

2. I didn’t watch it

3. I bet it was glorious though

4. Tbh I’ve been snorting coke off of Paul’s arse since 9am, so, fuck yeah

5. It was very meh. Pogba and Fred were good, everyone else not so much. Legit felt sorry for Mata. And Martial really needs to be good again and quickly; him and Lingard were very bad.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. After a couple of minor upgrades Atreus becomes a decent ally to Kratos.

2. Herrera is the Lingard that Dele Alli thinks he is.

3. I like how every game lately has been like an A-Team episode i.e. gang gets captured (concedes a goal) but then B.A (Bad Attitude) Baracus ain’t getting on no plane.

4. Harry Kane should shave that beard before WC to avoid the old maxim ‘striker with beard, not to be feared’ imho. It also makes him look like Teen Wolf.

5. Think it’s asking a bit much to ask Harry Kane to shave that beard every time he goes to the toilet tbh.

Here’s 5 things we learned innit:

1. Letting Steven drive is a mistake.

2. Lingard’s goal was good … but his dancing drives me mad !!

3. What game was it?

Here’s 5 things we learnt:

1. Even without some of our first choice players I find it very difficult to believe that United can catch us now.

2. But you’rOh!! It’s a joke!

3. If you have dinner and miss the game the result seems better because you didn’t watch all the bad football.

Here’s another 5 things we learned:

1. hashtagmourihnoout

2. hashtagdychein

3. I wish your dog was dead too tbf.

4. That is too far Brett. Too far by far.

5. It was funny when the final whistle went and grown men got upset by time added/not added on lol.

6. Wow.

6. Nice try Tom. Prove it.

Here’s another 5 things we learned:

1. Have already forgotten entire game.

2. I think Tony V got injured.

3. Was that the game where Hammy Gammon Gary Barry scored?

1. That was actually pretty good.