(@Benglorious)

Prediction: With Jones out, injured by Smalling, and Smalling out, injured by Jones, Mourinho has a real defensive dilemma on his hands which he can easily fix by replacing the unavailable pair with two other defenders. Mata is also out because he’s hurt his winky, which pretty much guarantees a start for Fellaini, which pretty much guarantees three points. Point one, finesse is right out. Point two, goals are right out. Point three, I’m going right out. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Made a path today. Only for the side of the house where no-one goes but the service engineer moaned last time so its basically just for him, the selfish cunt. Went for a rustic effect by using bricks I found in the outside walls of my own house, then tied it all together with pea-shingle and kiln sand (special sand, you’ve probably never heard of it in your London ivory towers). Looked pretty good to be honest, solid 8/10. That’ll be £600.

Logan (2017)

As close to my actual real life as a fictional film can be, I really liked it when he killed people brutally in their faces with his adamantium claws. Richard E Grant is terrible but you have to admire his consistency. The exact opposite of London = Bad, this was actually very good.

Prediction: 1-1. Lol, because of all the draws. Its not that funny. Brett to get Graham Gooch inspired hair plugs.

m 

(@bifurcated_utd)

When I last watched football I was a balding, lonely, 38 year old man, with just two clowns for not-in-real-life-just-on-the-internet friends … and look at me now!!

I’d like to reiterate how nice it would be if someone were to take Benno to the football today. Someone a bit murdery, or with murderous tendencies preferable.

Call me an old fashioner, but I like it when we have all the players i.e when we don’t have to pick a team that loses to West Bromwich Albion cos Rooney and Fellaini.

Really hope Tom falls my service engineer April Fool and makes a path for the side of the house where no-one goes. This is Paul.

Prediction: We pick a team that loses to West Bromwich Albion cos Rooney and Fellaini. 0-0 United.

Luke Shaw match stats:

Interceptions – 6

Tackles – 14

Headed clearances – 3

Take-ons – 11

Dribbles – 29

Pass completion – 97%

Assists – 2

Goals – 2

Next game – 2018

0-0 United.

m

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Bournemouth is named after Jason Bourne’s mouth; the river idea is a cover to protect his identity/mouth. Eddie Howe is named after his paternal grandfather. Love this fixture purely for the memories of Fellaini’s walking on his knees goal.

Logan (2017)

Supposedly the final Hugh Jackman outing, I haven’t seen it. That aside etc.

Prediction: hearing rumours we could go 5th if we win? Seems contrary to our ‘being 6th forever’ plan, not sure it’ll play out. 7-0 United, Luke Shaw hat-trick and mass circle jerk over Mourinho’s man-management skills.

m 

(@bifurcated_utd)

I hate myself. Benno and Tom.

Why is Sean Paul a thing again?

Prediction: Tom to do the a Jason Bourne joke again. 0-0 United.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Hooray for us, we’re quite good again based on the three minutes of highlights I’ve watched from the two games we’ve played against very beatable opposition. Goals are good again (who saw that coming?) as are wins (who knew?) and expensive players. Expensive means best, like when you shop at Marks and Spencer. Everyone knows that.

Prediction: Hull are level on points with United in the Premiership League but are not in any European competitions. They also don’t have an official sustainable energy partner so this makes me doubt that they’re even a proper football team. 6-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Founded in 1536 by Rod and Emu, Hull is largely terrible. Once a thriving industrial powerhouse, it now has some shops, a traffic light (Amber) and a plaque commemorating an event. Persons of note include Clive.

Comics I have read this week:  

Old Man Logan 9: Logan aka James Howlett aka Patch aka Weapon X aka Wolverine is old and from another universe after Earth 616’s Logan was killed by some fucking idiots who didn’t know what they were doing.  Anyway, having adapted to *our* reality, he is now killing people again but they really deserve it so it’s ok.

Uncanny X-Men 11: Magneto leading an X-team? Sabretooth’s a good guy?? What the hey? lol, relax it is all good; they are good guys now/again and having great adventures trying to avoid extinction due to some Terrigen Mist thing which hasn’t been explained yet. Oh yeah and Monet is an Emplate* now.

Uncanny Avengers 12: Ultron has come back and he is still a proper prick. They all try to kill him and Deadpool is an Avenger now.

X-Traordinary X-Men 12: I forget how but Apocalypse again. The story arc has felt rushed from the start and nothing makes any sense but I guarantee it is still better than the film I haven’t watched yet.

*See: some comics

Prediction: Bearing in mind Benno’s salient point that without an official sustainable energy partner, are they an actual football team and totally disregarding everything Brett has ever said ever, Pogba to finally justify his fee by scoring all the goals since 1883. 0-0 United.

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

With the Hashtag EPL sewn up last week, United can now concentrate on more important things like selling knitted commemorative treble-winning teaspoons, cycle helmets in the shape of United player’s haircuts, and a box-hedging re-enactment of that goalazo-goal-goal goal from that 2015/16 home game, and that. I for one can’t wait to get my hands on a life-sized fridge magnet in the shape of Wilfried Zaha’s night with David Moyes’ daughter, made from authentic human skin.

This dead rubber sees the return of Magic Mike. And who could forget the time he wore those skin-tight balloons? My Uncle who has Alzheimers, that’s who. But only him.

Everything is going really well in my personal and professional life. THANKS FOR ASKING!! Suck on your disappointment.

Prediction: Rashford with his customary two. Ibra – the one trick (being himself) pony – to add to his catalogue of goals just in time for Christmas. Like Argos innit, but with better pens. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANOOOO! Wait them small pens are bookies. Pencils in Argos. *Remember to edit this almost a great a joke out before publishing*. Pogba to finally justify his fee by scoring all the goals since 1883. 0-0 United.