Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Having a midfielder who can pass accurately and quickly is handy. Also a guy who can take corners. Seems so obvious with hindsight.

2. Fred is a delight

3. Luke Shaw is quite clearly 90% pancakes now

4. I liked it when Scud was telling Blade that he’d been a familiar the whole time and that the bomb was a dud and laughed at Blade but then Blade was all ‘I knew the whole time you fucking melt’ and then blew him up

5. I concur

6. lol @ I concur

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: Change of Luck?

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Prediction: Forgot to reply to this. That’s not a good sign re: words imho

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

Luke Shaw returns to the side after his final treatment in the long since documented series of minor cosmetic adjustments in his bid to become Gary Barlow in 1995, so, expect everything to change but U(nited).

Them two abso not contributing to this really impacts my genius.

Prediction: No-on cares, unless we win, and, or, lose, babe.

*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

 a

2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

 a

3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

 a

4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

 a

5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

a

a

aa a

7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

 a

8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

 a

9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

 a

10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

A

a

a

a

A a

Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

(@Benglorious)

At least when this game is over we can look forward to not hearing about United until next season. Not one single word about how bad the players have been. Nothing about how our rivals have surpassed us easily. Nothing about potential transfers, both in and out. It’s going to be glorious.

Prediction: Goals for Lukaku, Sanchez, Young, Smalling and Young again. Why not? 0-0 United. 

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

To paraphrase Shakespeare, ‘now is the summer of our discontent’. Although in fairness it was also an autumn, winter and spring. No wonder everyone hates him. Still, good news about Brett.

Avengers: Endgame (2019)

Maybe if they hadn’t treated it like a game more of them would’ve survived. See also: Game of Thrones

Prediction: we go back in time and steal some infinity stones and snap the fuck outta this season, 0-0 United, Shaw to physically kill a ball boy by landing on him.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Legit gonna kill my self if this season doesn’t end yesterday.

Prediction: Probably lose, innit. 0 – 0 United

At least we can look forward to more possession in the home leg next week.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Juve fans are not good.

2. Hanna likes the ‘bird pigeons’ bahaha she meant to say ‘station pigeons’ like either way its nonsense but bird pigeons? Bahahahaha

3. Use the bag picture again

4. Poor old Jorah Mormont. He’d pledged himself to his Khaleesi and now he has been banished. There;s a lesson about betrayal here but I have no idea what it is

5. Maybe betrayal is good?

6. 

That’s right … Mushrooms and Skin Cream. Mushrooms and Skin Cream.

Here’s 5 things we learned (we actually learned 6 things but Brett’s 6th thing was diss on the NHS, so, he is a “bad” “guy”):

1. Winning is definitely better than losing.

2. Ladies and gentleman we have ourselves a left back*

3. *results based on low-calorie diet.

4. Sanchez is the new Depay/Di Maria/the guy we swopped for Sanchez.

5. I liked it right near the end when Bailly wanted to boot the ball away in frustration but visibly choked it down amazing self-control imho.

Bite us.

(@Benglorious)

I am on holiday so suck your disappointment right on its dick.

Prediction: Me to ruin my holiday for me (I’m obvs on holiday alone cos me) by constantly checking my phone to see what great a jokes Brett is tweeting tonight. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

What words? Are we playing tonight? On a Wednesday?? Make me. Seriously.

Prediction: I should be able to do some words when I get home but I maybe sitting in the sun instead. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

After Sunday’s clown shoes display against the second worst football team in the EPL, behind us, I will not be watching out of respect for the memory of goals.

If Mourinho is planning to drop some players, I would like to request ‘on their heads … and kick them in their heads repeatedly with some really hard shoes on like clogs while they are on the floor crying and begging for forgiveness’

Prediction: All 11 (eleven) players to play so abso terribly tonight that Jo Mo has no players to select for the FA Cup game against Tottenham “based on form”, so brings Luke Shaw, Anthony Martial, Paul Pogba, and Karel Poborsky out of retirement to play at the weekend, and we get battered. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet?

Prediction: The season to be over, yet there still to be more games to suffer through. Spurs to do another classic bottle-job but it doesn’t count as a bottle-job for some reason because Spurs. Goals for European Player Of The Year*, Fellaini, and World Player Of The Year**, Rooney. 0-0 United.

m

m

*U-19’s French cricket

*U-85’s Kerplunk

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Independence Day Resurgence (2016)

How the actual fuck did this get a Hollywood release? That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals from Beckham and Cole to snatch the title from Arsenal’s grasp. 2-1 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

With the title still wide open, and in our own hands, I expect a full strength team from Mourinho.

Rooney’s 252 goals this season have been key to our EPL push and our captain will no doubt to add to that tally. Elsewhere, I can see Luke Shaw celebrating his PFA and Football Writer’s awards with a performance fitting of his season’s form and to see Paul Pogba and Mkhitaryan bossing the midfield. In defence: Phil Jones and Chris Smalling fresh from carrying England to World Cup glory will have no trouble dealing with Tottenham’s limited attacking options.

Tottenham on the other hand have resorted to type: so much potential and yet still found wanting and relying on the Europa League to provide them with a trophy.

Prediction: They’re coming to take me away haha. They’re coming to take me away my away haha. 0-0 United.

We’re like the Ikea of football: *work on the punchline for this a joke for next week. Something, something Zlatan (Swedish), something, something drawers.*

Here’s 5 things we learned about the things that happened, in addition to a joke about Mourinho winning on the Pools before the season ends (backatcha Benno Re: preview):

1. Rick Sanchez is the hero we all deserve.

2. Jerry is still a massive bell.

3. Mourinho will definitely scoop a big win on the Pools before the season ends.

4. I hated watching that. It made me discuss football with other football fans but without the jokes and stuff.

5. Traitor.