Goalkeeper – David De Gea

Not only is he a genuinely great keeper but he is also a likable guy. Like I predicted magically here, he also signed a new contract this season and is good mates with some other players who will feature below.

Right-back – Rafael

I know he’s not still at the club but have you ever known a more lovable guy? If so you are probably lying. Or an Arsenal fan. Darmian is quite likable but only like an 8.5/10 whereas Rafael is a solid 12.

Centre-back – Phil Jones

Partly for the fun value (or (yet to be actually made) Expected Fun for all you stattos out there), Jonesy gets a deserved call up. Given that he can liven up even the dullest of LvG United games, he gets the nod.

Other centre-back – Daley Blind (2014/15 hair version)

The centre-backs were the hardest positions to choose, so Chris ‘Mike the Jaeger Bomber’ Smalling and Marcos Rojo would get regular appearances too. Blind is picked, but only if he gets back to his top-class hair form of last season, which was bountiful in its glory. He would also be the calm to Jones’ storm, which is nice.

Left-back – Luke Shaw

Partly just because it would mean he’s fine and not injured anymore. And he seems a good lad. And he has a spiffing friendship with Depay (SPOILER: features later).

Central midfield – Bastian Schweinsteiger (captain)

The presence, the quality, the £££ that can be gained through shirt sales (because of his name and because of his *name*). He seems a top notch guy and a top notch player.

Other central midfield – Ander Herrera

The second corner in the Spanish triangle. Also playing in the ‘second defensive midfielder’ position in the current LvG system and he isn’t a strictly defensive midfielder so will keep some defensive stability AND open some attacking play up. Good stuff all around.

Right-winger – Juan Mata

The last of the ‘La Trinidad Adorable’ [<google_translate>’The Adorable Trinity'</google_translate>], the giver of Hugs, imagine a right-side of Mata and Rafael. IMAGINE. Now look in the mirror. That is JOY and HAPPINESS you are seeing on your face.

Left-winger – Memphis Depay

Ok, so you’re smile has died down a bit now since thinking about Mata and Rafa. Now imagine, on the other side, Memphis and Shaw. I KNOW!! I honestly can’t think of anything else to say just because this kind of likability is rare in football and I want these four players to be in the starting line-up now, tbqh.

Central attacking midfielder – Jesse Lingard

Ok, so I’m not a Lingard expert and this is partly jumping on his bandwagon, but let’s examine the evidence. In reality, Rooney would be playing here probably. Lingard is everything Rooney is not. Rooney is old, Lingard is not; Rooney has a first touch which is regularly worse than my own, Lingard does not (I haven’t verified this but he’s a professional footballer so it’s a reasonable assumption); Rooney should consider retiring before his career legacy is further tarnished by his poor performances (a la Gerrard), Lingard should not. Lingard ftw.

Striker – Anthony Martial

Not only is he Not Rooney, he is actually brilliant and magical and no-one can say otherwise and still be correct. He may not have a face that often smiles but that just means that when he does smile it is even more precious and you know he means it. Plus he scored against Liverpool.

Manager – David Moyes

Yeah. You heard. (From the impression gleaned from reports) Louis van Gaal is a man who tried to bully Victor Valdes out of a job in a frankly pretty nasty way. He also kept slapping Giggs last season which was strange, and appeared in a bizarre and creepily sexist photoshoot for Dutch football which does him no favours either. Moyes seems a much more likable guy whose only failure as United manager was a lack of success on the pitch. But with this combination of lovable players, there’s no way that could happen again, so it’s aaaaall good. (It seems no-one else likes Moyes, pretend I put Sir Alex instead).

Hugs

Footballiversity Issue #10 – Footballiverse 4

August 2015

Footballiverse 4 is a place in which David Moyes is still manager of Manchester United. That’s it.

It is a warm, early autumn evening in Manchester. In the manager’s office, David Moyes is sat, reclined in his leather chair, feet on his desk. He is wearing a United tracksuit and eating a Pot Noodle (curry flavour). Across the hunk of wood from him is the Big Wood himself, Ed ‘Big Wood’ Woodward. It is the 31st of August, deadline day on the Continent. Ed is checking his phone.

“Whatcha lookin’ at Ed?” Moyes asks through a be-noodled mouth “Not tryna sell anymore of our players are ya?”
Moyes gives a chuckle. Ed shifts uneasily, though Moyes, distracted by a noodle he’s just dropped down his front, doesn’t notice.

“Y’know,” the manager carried on “I’m real happy about the work we’ve done in this window. Jags’ll work wonders for the defence, everyone’ll really learn a lot from him (that’ll show Rio), an’ getting big Timmy Cahill for peanuts was just grand Eddy.”
“Hehe, yes master,” Ed snivelled.

“I’m thinking we stick with Marouane up top but we move Cahill in alongside him, bump Wazza back to the midfield, y’know how he keeps going on about playing there. Yeah, Youngy on the left, Tony V on the right, Jags and Jones at the back and the rest sorts itself out.”

Moyes finished his Pot Noodle and disposed of the pot and disposable fork in the bin by his chair.
“Anyway,” he said “Where are we on selling De Gea to Real?”
“Yeeesss,” drawled Ed “Are you sure it’s Real Sociedad you want to sell him to?”
“Yup,” Moyes said, pulling his feet down off his desk, suddenly very serious “Sir Alex said he wouldn’t sell Madrid a virus so I’m not going to sell them our best player. And anyway, you told me you were driving a hard bargain. Not many keepers go for £12m.”
“Bu-“
“No buts, Ed, it’s what Sir Alex would have wanted.”

Ed nodded dutifully.
“Anyway,” Moyes carried on “Could you take a look over what I want to say before the Liverpool game? I know we’ve got the international break in between but, y’know…”
Ed nodded eagerly “Yes, master, of course, master.”
Ed’s eyes scanned the pages as he read, speaking the words quietly as he went.

“…Liverpool have a great history and it would be an honour to be considered their equals…”
“Yes,” cut in Moyes “I wasn’t sure about that part.”
“It’s very respectful master.”
“I know. It’s just the fans don’t seem to like that kind of thing. I was thinking of changing it.”
“What to?”
“I’ve got a draft, hold on.”

Moyes opened a drawer to fetch his draft alternative, pausing only briefly to gaze at the framed picture of himself and Sir Alex Ferguson on his desk.
“Here it is,” he said. He cleared his throat.

“Fuck those fuckers. I hope we fucking trash their balls off and send them down to the Championship where they deserve to be. There’s a reason I took the United job after the Everton one – so that I could legitimately keep my hatred of those red Scousers alive.”

Moyes looked up.
“So, whaddya think. The soft version or the aggressive one?”
Ed shifted uneasily in his seat.
“The respectful one, I think, master.”

—————–
Footballiversity #11 will be available on the 7th of October.

Best Fight

Nominees: Wenger vs Mourinho; Mark Clattenberg vs Cesc Fabregas; Mark Hughes vs Stoke fan; Nigel Pearson vs current Leicester manager; Juan Mata vs David de Gea.

Winner: JUAN MATA vs DAVID DE GEA

It had been a tense match against Liverpool at Anfield. United were going through a rough patch, they were losing the game 1-0, and emotions were high across the team. Like the most heart-breaking of fights, this was one of friend vs friend, brother vs brother. Mata had defended poorly at a corner, De Gea had let him know, and Juan, most uncharacteristically, had snapped back with a retort about Madrid. Tears fell from the eyes of the two players and the fans as each grappled with the other, before breaking down, collapsing to their knees, in a hug (United went on to win the match 3-2, with the winner coming from a Steven Gerrard OG).

Sexist moment

Misprint, though undoubtedly occurred whenever a non-male made a comment on the sport. Sort yourselves out (also goes for racism, ableism, transphobia, homophobia, mocking Liverpool fans with Hillsborough ‘jokes’, etc. Saying Liverpool are crap is ok and actively encouraged).

Sexiest moment

Nominees: Wenger vs Mourinho (2^nd nomination of the night); Ronaldo’s shirt ripping; Daley Blind; Van Gaal’s tummy rub; new-look Allardici.

Winner: WENGER vs MOURINHO

There was rain, there were sparks, there was designer stubble, there was an over-long puffy coat. As Chelsea and Arsenal fought in the depths of winter, so did their managers on the touchline. Even several months on, we don’t know what caused it, but we all know that the sexual tension had been building for some time.

The ETNAR Centre-back award

Nominees: Dejan Lovren; Jose Fonte; Chris Smalling; Laurent Koscielny; Jores Okore

Winner: CHRIS SMALLING

A semi-serious award, not necessarily for the very best CB, but for one who deserves a trophy. While Lovren bedded into the season well and proved a lot of people wrong, Smalling went from strength to strength, providing the rock at the heart of defence that United needed. Fonte and Koscielny both had good seasons again, and Okore deserves a mention for performing well in a poor Villa team.

Best ‘@Bifurcated_MBM’ commentary

Nominees: United vs Liverpool; United vs West Brom; None of them; The one where they forgot to do them; United vs Stoke

Winner: UNITED vs WEST BROM

Livened up a game so dull that it is in danger of ceasing to exist and being literally wiped from history. Also provoked a comical reaction from Richard Keys, which led to him unintentionally revealing corruption in the Qatar World Cup, which in turn led to a brief campaign to get Bifurcated nominated for a Pulitzer.

Best Goal

Nominees: Mata vs Liverpool; Depay vs Liverpool (same game); Gerrard vs Liverpool (same game, mentioned previously); Rooney vs Villa; Phil Jones vs Arsenal

Winner: PHIL JONES vs ARSENAL

Narrowly pipping Gerrard’s own goal against Liverpool and Rooney’s unintentionally heavy first touch against Villa is Phil Jones’ stunning and unique combination of humour and technique. Diving like a human cannonball to get on the end of a corner, he mistimed his leap, the ball squirming off his face. Then, in an act of awareness and contortionism that can only be described as godlike, he forced his body to angle in such a way that the ball bounced off his posterior and into the Arsenal net. The first single player face-arse combo goal in the history of the game.

Best Football Writer

Winner: MARK THOMPSON

(And last but not least, the one they all want to win)

Most Iconic Moment of the Season

Nominees: Mourinho’s broken ankle; Alan Pardew’s resignation; Newcastle’s fan protest; Bournemouth’s broken SatNav; De Gea’s new contract

Winner: DE GEA’S NEW CONTRACT *CUE FIREWORKS*

Yes, it is of course the contract renewal of David de Gea. Not only did it commit him to three more years at the club, it turned the team’s season around, leading them to their 21^st league title. Also led to the worst end-of-season montage of all time when Sky Sports tried to crowbar a still photograph of his signature into it, backed by the song ‘Return of the Mack’.

Footballiversity Issue #9 – Footballiverse 3

…All of Time

Footballiverse 3 is a place where sustained linear narratives do not exist. Instead, ‘What If’ situations rattle against each other, providing 16 ars/s (alternative reality situations per second). It’s tourist season is mid-May to mid-August.

What If… Steven Gerrard hadn’t had THAT SLIP

Liverpool go into the last match of the season able to win the title. The press, naturally, goes into over-drive, likening the situation to Istanbul, as that is the only other time in living memory that Liverpool have been interesting. Gerrard gets so confused that he thinks the match is being played in Istanbul, and books a flight there for the final day.

Brendan Rodgers decides to boycott the match as GerrardtheTalisman is not in the country, and Liverpool are docked points for being ridiculous. Rodgers is sacked, mobbed, and has his head torn off and stuck on a spike that will remain on the gates of Anfield for 50 years. Due to the mismanagement of the club though, no replacement is made for the decapitated Rodgers for 18 months.

Steven Gerrard, meanwhile, believing that he is a Beowulf-like legend in Istanbul, had not taken any money with him to Turkey, thinking that all would be provided for him. It was not. Desperate for money, he tried to join a mob or something, but was rubbish at it. On one job as a goods runner, he slipped, notifying the police to his presence. He was arrested and imprisoned for seven years.

What If… England had entered the early World Cups

They wouldn’t have won any and we’d spend the next seventy-odd years blaming South American weather and trying to convince everyone else that anyone who had beat us were cheating.

What If… Moyes had succeeded at Manchester United

Moyes would have succeeded at Manchester United. After becoming United captain and leading the club to three Trebles in a row, followed by a quintuple, Marouane Fellaini has his statue built outside Old Trafford right next to Charlton, Law, and Best.

Moyes is fast becoming the greatest manager that United have ever had. Unfortunately, just seven years into his reign, he is shot and killed. Underground conspiracy theories trace the assassin back to Sir Alex Ferguson, though this was never proved, and anyone that did prove it subsequently disappeared.

What If… England hadn’t lost all those penalty shoot-outs

Penalty shoot-outs are a fixed point among every timeline and cannot be altered, not even by the majestic and ever-fantastic power of the Footballiverses (read some Stephen Hawking, will you?).

What If… Lampard’s goal had gone in against Germany

We’d have still lost you numpty.

——————————————–

Footballiversity #10 will be out on the 2^nd of September. The day after transfer deadline day. Ffs.

Footballiversity Issue #6 – Footballiverse 7

April

Footballiverse 7 is not too dissimilar from the world of a popular HBO show called ‘Well it’s not a spoiler for me to tell you about the Red Wedding before it happens because the books have been out for ages- oh wait, what’s that, GRR Martin is never going to finish the series oh curse the Seven’. However, where this Footballiverse differs from the televisual universe is that, whereas HBO’s offering shows female nudity that is gratuitous it’s jarring, here it is male nudity on show, signified here by “*PENIS*”.

There was a knock on Jon Snow’s door.

“Enter,” he said. The messenger *PENIS* entered.

“Pray tell, what is the recent news south of the Wall,” Snow asked “In the race for the Premier League title?”

“As you will well *PENIS* remember, Jose Lannister and his men were well positioned when last we spoke.”

“And have they won–?”

“Shush, *PENIS* that doesn’t fit my linear narrative”

“In truth, t’was not an interesting month,” the messenger continued “of most interest is which lords will fail to pay their debts to the realm, and will thus have their lands taken away from them [Ed: he means relegation]. Ramsay Pearson’s men have of late become most efficient, winning battles and plundering loot, but Lord Ramsay…”

“What?” Jon Snow *PENIS* prompted.

“Ramsay Pearson was involved in an unsavoury incident with a squire that became quite public. It appears that Lord Ramsay is, well, not particularly *PENIS* nice.”

“Well, he always did seem a bit strange.”

“Lord Louis’ men began the month well, but have lost several battles recently, and there are increasing rumours that their key guardsman, Ser De Gea *PENIS* is to leave the Seven Kingdoms to return to his home land of Espayynos *PENIS PENIS*.”

“And,” Jon Snow *PENIS* paused, trying not to let his feelings for his home enter his mind – he had made a vow to give up his family ties and never use his *PENIS* again, after all “What of the North?”

“Ah,” the messenger said “The Northmen are revolting. Lord John Carver of Mars does not appear a worthy general, and his financier Messyr Ashley does not seem to care. There are rumours they may well find themselves tied up in the [metaphor for relegation] battle like a lord in a whorehouse *PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS* if they do not watch themselves.”

“A true shame,” said Jon Snow “Now, finally, tell me, what of the race for the title? Are the wealthy and powerful Lannisters led by the arrogant, narcissistic Jose still favourites?”

“Yeah, but it’s been all but wrapped up for months so who really gives a *PENIS*.”

Footballiversity Issue #5 – Footballiverse ¼

March

In honour of the release date of this oh so anticipated issue of Footballiversity, Footballiverse ¼ is the land of the April Fool and is one of the Footballiverses that is most similar to our own. Basically, well, you’ll see…

[We are in a television studio. APRIL FO- no, I’m kidding, we really are actually in a television studio. More specifically, a television news studio. Alex, the dashing young news anchor, has just handed over to Jo for the month’s sports news. (Both of them are trying to avoid having to speak to Mike, the weather guy, because everybody hates Mike. He’s a bit of a jerk. This isn’t relevant to the story, but, y’know, you’d hate Mike too if you knew him. He’s a real ass. Laughs at Farage’s jokes, thinks Katie Hopkins ‘has a point’, etc etc etc)]

(ALEX): And now here’s Jo with the sport.

(JO): Thanks, Alex. This month of course saw tremendous displays of sportsmanship and level-headed media reaction from ex-professionals and non-ex-professionals alike.

APRIL FOOLS, hahahahahahaha

ACTUALLY, Jonny Evans and Papisse Cisse had a kicking and spitting match which was a little pathetic, but not quite as pathetic as EVERY EX-PLAYER WORKING IN PUNDITRY scrambling over each other to say that spitting is STONE DEAD THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN ON A FOOTBALL PITCH. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Venn diagram of players who said this and players who have been, say, racially abused or on the end of career ending tackles looked like a pair of Harry Potter’s specs.

IN OTHER NEWS, football has shed its sexist image and is embarking on a long voyage of gender equality.

APRIL FOOLS, hahahahahahah- actually, this isn’t very funny

Video footage emerged of Manchester United, Man City, and Arsenal fans shouting sexist BS at Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro, as well as fans in the Football League yelling similar stuff at a lineswoman. FFS LADS, cut these thought processes the hell out of your lives. Along similar lines, not only do Manchester United not have a women’s team, which is increasingly the norm these days, but it was confirmed that they don’t even have plans to set one up anytime soon.

AND FINALLY, on a lighter note, Steven Gerrard – the real captain, leader, legend, and Phil Collins’ greatest fan – continued his glorious road to retirement with a stellar performance against arch-rivals Manchester United, in his final game against them with Liverpool at Anfield.

…….. (draws a breath)

APRIL FOOLS, HE GOT SENT OFF WITHIN FORTY SECONDS OF BEING SUBBED ON AT HALF TIME AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA – seriously, nothing against the man and I wish him a long and happy life with his family but this is too funny – HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[Editor’s note: We have a certain page limit for these Footballiversity issues so we’ll have to end things here, but just imagine that those AHAHAHAHAs continue off into the distance, fading into a beautiful, soothing sunset. Chelsea are still first and all the rubbish teams are still rubbish if you’re interested in those things.]

——————————–

Footballiversty #6: April, will be out on May 6^th (hey, look, evil Star Wars day. What do you mean you’ve never heard of evil Star Wars day? May the sixth be with you. May the SIXTH. Like the Sith. Geddit? May the SITH be with you. And it’s evil Star Wars day because, you know what, never mind)