Here’s 5 things we learned on the night we finally kissed goodbye to our quadruple dreams:

1. Fuck you city and fuck you pep we won you so hard

2. I didn’t think Tony M was very good and Lingard geno looks like someone who just happened to walk into the changing room once and nobody checked who he really was. That aside it was almost OK.

3. We should try to score more goals when we need to score more goals. This seems pretty basic learnz but I’m not sure anyone has told the team.

4. Ole is the only manager to have beaten Pep at the Etihad, twice. Let that sink in.

5. Lingard geno does look like someone who just happened to walk into the changing room once and nobody checked who he really was. They should check who he is.

6. The Mandalorian was great. Can’t believe they ate Salacious Crumb though

*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

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2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

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3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

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4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

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5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

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7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

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8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

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9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

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10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

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Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

Here is another 5 things we learned, taking our total tally of learns over the last 4 years to an impressive 2:

1. Bad defending is ok as long as you endanger the opposition in an exciting manner

2. I though the blackjack challenge was tedious. Then I started the dominoes one

3. Decorating licks balls but the stain finish is delightful

4. Boy what about Matic getting MoTM are these guys blind, right?

5. I actually quite enjoyed the game and it’s been ages since that happened so imo that was good.

6. I missed every goal so didn’t enjoy it quite as much

7. This is Lukaku. Lol. Geddit??!! Cos of the misses.

8. Next time we should try scoring first and then scoring from our own kick off imo.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Alexis Sanchez is this generations William Prunier ie the very worst

2. No sign of Marcus Rashford. Or his body. Cover-up?

3. I think my great Edwin Starr joke deserved more/some kudos

4. He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles

5. Apologies for the absence of any kudos. I think you have tragically misjudged how much we read anything you write. Ever.

6. Lol, Ringpie

7. Ringpie?? That’s not a word you autocorrect cunt. Ringo

Bite us.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. I actually got a tiny bit excited about a game for the first time since the war.

2. On drugs.

3. Not my favourite war. Falklands if you’re asking. They say it was a conflict but it was a war.

4. What is it good for?

5. Say it again.

6. What is it good etc.

Here’s  5 things we learned:

1. The best bit was tasting Graeme’s salty tears.

2. Other good bits were Lukaku and Pogba and Matic.

3. Sanchez was not a good bit.

4. Maybe we can swap him back but let them keep Mkhyitaryan.

5. That’s pretty good. For one of Storey’s lackeys.

6. Does anyone know where I can watch season 3 of Twelve Monkeys?

7. Yes, lots of people.

8. Amazon or I-Tunes are the legit places one can view it, but these will cost you actual money I know you don’t have.

9. A person with less scruples might try hdeuropix/tvseries/12-monkeys-online/12-monkeys-season-3-hd-with-subtitles-europix but you didn’t hear that from me.

10. I have pure scruples cheers guy.

11. Is that enough? I got him to say it. Can I go into witness relocation now?

12. Shit wrong group.

13. Your face is a shit wrong group.

14. Lols. We really are very funny guys.

Here’s another 5 things we learned from yet another game, in the season that keeps on giving games:

1. If we kicked the ball in the net we would score goals.

2. That is all.

3. Abso gutted @bobbyfaghihi was right about Jose. He’s 3 for 3 so far. It’s bullshit the floppy haired nonce.

4. Why did you @ him? That’s not how this works.

5. So he’d get the notification when Brett puts this on twitter so bobby knows we hate him and his opinions.

6. You know WordPress isn’t Twitter, right?

7. Actually, I withdraw the question.

7. I know any ‘press’ is fascism so back off Captain Nazi.

8. Lol @ ‘withdraw’.

8. jfc, what happened to us, man. We used to be all about the music.

9. For me it was never about the music, For me it was all about the great times.

10. Fuck this shit. I’m out. The Sugababes are always hiring.

11. I hate you both. This is Paul.

 @Benglorious)

Crystal Palace have never won at Old Trafford in the Premiership League. Their new manager, Roy Hodgson, has never won at Old Trafford in the Premiership League. This season, United have won all three games at Old Trafford in the Premiership League, scoring ten goals. Palace haven’t scored a single goal this season in the Premiership League, and have set the record for the worst ever recorded start. Nailed on 1-0 Palace.

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Prediction: Lukaku to ignore his physio’s advice and enter the cave. Poor metaphor ensues. 4-0 United despite what I said earlier.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Formed in 1982 after the Crystal was broken, Palace are evil, always trying to stop the last remaining Gelfling help the peaceful Mystics from fixing said Crystal that once provided balance to the universe. They haven’t won a game all season.

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Jen – the last surviving Gelfling OR IS HE – is raised by the noble Mystics (hippies) and must find the lost shard of the Dark Crystal, a powerful jem that once provided balance to the universe. Jen believes he can somehow fuse this shard back onto the crystal (showing he knows nothing about crystals imho) and bring peace back to his world. He’s right (proving the creative team knew nothing about crystals). He also finds a girlfriend, foreshadowed by my great ‘OR IS HE’ line, earlier. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Brett to be kicked out of editing by me, me to laugh a lot.  Roy Hodgson.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

Having returned from Poland and just written all the game reviews from when I was away  – cos them two parasites are so “busy” wasting all of our lives all day on twitter to waste all of our lives on the website they are paid handsomely to actually waste all of our lives on – I have run out of a joke.*

*See my great ‘sick in a car park’ in Poland a joke on our review bit. *Content Warning – contains extremely great a joke*

Prediction: Tom to laugh a lot for kicking me out of editing, but the joke to be on him cos he’s for tools. 0-0 United.

 @Benglorious)

Do you remember when we had Rooney and it was good? Do you also remember when we had Rooney and it was bad? Do you remember the time, when we fell in love? Do you remember the time? Remember the Titans? These are all things that can be remembered. As will Rooney’s winning goal for Everton today. I miss him.

Prediction: Lukaku to freak out Ewok nuts by levitating his annoying robot servant in the ultimate display of blasphemy. 4-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I am at a christening because if there’s one thing in this world that I love above all else, it’s religious babies.

Prediction: Roonsquad to do that thing he does that we’re glad he does for Everton and not us anymore. 2-0 United.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

I am in Poland again because I love kielbasa and also I don’t know any other countries.

Prediction: Goals for Robert Lewandowski, Frédéric Chopin and Pope John Paul II. 0-0 United.