Two wins in the space of four days equals the Premiership League record for most wins in four days over two completely different competitions. Vangle clearly is a manager who knows his onions – if only he could apply the same mentality to his day job.

Here’s what we learned, direct from our Whatsapp group straight into your brainbox:

Emoji that looks like a child policeman) If you watch us illegally, it’s hard to tell when it glitches.

Emoji that could be the worst star sign ever but is more likely to be the pause symbol on a VCR) If football is today’s gladiatorial arena, watching us is like watching the bit in Life of Brian (1979) where the fella just runs round in a circle until he wins by default.

That trumpet/tannoy speaker Emoji. Again) Joleon Lescott is silly.

Vulcan greeting Emoji) The Martian (2015) was funnier than I was expecting even though Matt Damon was in it.

Ear Emoji) Taken 3 (2014) was stupid and predictable even though Matt Damon wasn’t in it.

Cat Emoji crying one solitary tear) The football was meh but not as meh as Matt Damon.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Matt Damon’s gob or whatever. Not even checking Brett’s to see if he’s already done that gag. I hope he has and I hope he cries. You NEVER make fun of another man’s trainers, even if they are made from seagulls. Which brings us nicely back to Bournemouth who are nicknamed the Seagulls. Or the Cherries. Who really knows? I’ve forgotten my point.

Opposition summary: Bournemouth are the only team in the Premiership League that have a body part in their name. Apart from Liverpool. And Arsenal. Lol.

Prediction: Vangle to carry on the new United tradition of attacking and not scoring enough by attacking Bournemouth and not scoring enough.  Enter: Nick Powell, a troubled lad from the wrong side of some tracks somewhere with nothing to prove but he still needs to shed the weight of expectation grinding him down. He does a thing and all is forgiven. Even Mata hugs him and they all go for tapas. Bournemouth take this opportunity to stick five in our empty net. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Jason Bourne >>>> Bournemouth. I’ve checked Brett’s before writing mine so I’m deliberately ruining his gag. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Tweets so good they’re faved by both my idols – Rooney and Trump.Goals so good they’re scored by anyone that doesn’t play for United. 3-0 United.  

 .

 Brett(@entionseeker)

Personally think they’ve gone too far with this fifth instalment of the Bourne films. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Benno and or Tom to ruin the Bourne joke before you get down to this bit cos jealous. That aside, pretty good. 0-0 United. Lol @ this, cos that’s what us always predict and it actually happens like the predictabots from the future you deserve. Matt Damon like off of Team America.