jfc, I can’t keep up with this roller coaster of emotions: one week I don’t care, and the next I couldn’t care less.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. “You wouldn’t have saved that with two keepers”. Well, who’s laughing now?

2. I don’t know should I know? Re: laughing

3. Bruno is the best player since Ian Marshall, a thing I do not say lightly

4. That’s nice for Fred he’s had a helluva time

5. Why don’t they let us play against 10 men every week it was much easier

6. So, what’s the answer to 2. Re: I don’t know should I know? Re: laughing

(@Benglorious)

Yet another pivotal night in United’s Champions League history. I don’t know about you, but I’m fed up with all this midweek rigmarole. Hopefully the lads feel the same and make this the last game we have to suffer through for a couple of years.

Prediction: A half-hearted, going through the motions performance followed by a humble but heartfelt tribute to the fans. Better luck next time. 2-1 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Everyone fucking loves Barcelona so much yet their ‘new field’ stadium was built in 1957* – if you tried driving a 1957 car around claiming it was ‘new’, you’d get laughed out of town. And rightly so. To this end I suggest we start calling it by its more accurate name ie Camp (or Field for the committed Brexiteer)

Parks and Recreation (Seasons 2-7, some time ago)

Like a 30 Rock but set elsewhere (the Parks and Rec Department. Not an NBC or 30 Rock Parks and Rec Department but a Parks and Rec Department in another town/state) it had many moments that made me laugh. Like 30 Rock.

Prediction: 2 – 0 United, Sanchez to roll back the years and score two hahahaha of course not we’re well going out and he’ll be fucking dross like the piano cunt he is.

*Their old ground was only used by Barcelona more than a club for 35 years. They’ve already been at the the Camp for 62 years. You can see the problem, the big ol’ liars.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Suck on your disappointment fuckos!! The Bif Boys are heading out on the town to celebrate Benno’s *insert age later when confirmed by T, somewhere near your age. What? 21? Again?! Oh, you! Hard to tell with Benno what with that face* birthday!

We’ll be so far gone by 8pm that we won’t even know what Barcelona is*

*check what Barcelona is.

Prediction: Maybe I’ll turn my phone on and off as the screen must have frozen as I have not heard anything from anyone, or someone. Oh. Wait! Oh, just mum. Fuck off mum. Oh. Wait! Oh, just my alarm reminding me it’s Benno’s birthday. Oh. Wait! Oh, just Paul sending me pictures of his birthday I wasn’t at. Oh. Wait! Oh, just Tom sending more pictures of his birthday from the previous week I wasn’t at. 0 – 0 United.

So, where were you? We agreed to meet at The Fleece at 6, so we’d get a good seat. I messaged you at 5 and nothing. I messaged you at 5:45; still nothing. I got myself a good seat thanks for asking and very much enjoyed the football game I watched, alone. WHERE WERE YOU!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Legit feel bad about the Fred poll he had a deece second half and I liked it when he told the PSG lot off for trying to banter Marcus

2. Same applies to Rom and McScotty and Smalling – have trashed them a lot of late and they made me look a fool, a ruddy fool (I’d been dialling 9, Lynn)

3. It was funny when Neymar saw his sister with another man

4. Marcus Rashford for God? Gets my vote (I’m not sure how gods work)

5. How lucky were we that Bailly decided he was injured rather than embarrassed

6. Didn’t watch it.

7. When you write a rhetorical question, you do need a question mark at the end(?)

 (@tom_mcghee)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BSG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BSG vs Manchester United: This time it’s Battlestar

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (BSG)

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens

Mr. Hoshi:

Admiral, picking up enemy contact on Dradus

Adama:

Launch Nukes

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

END CREDITS

Prediction: We all thank our lucky stars the above was just fiction. 3-0 United, the Ghost of Sanchez to score all 4 (ghost goals count less)

m

(@Benglorious)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BFG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BFG vs Manchester United: Giant on Giant

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BIG FRIENDLY GIANT’S (BFG) HOUSE OR WHATEVER HE CALLS HOME PROBABLY A SWAMP OR A WEIRD TREE

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens which are probably mushrooms or something

BFG (to itself):

Boy, I sure do love to pick my nose.

Fungus the Bogeyman:

I think you’re confusing yourself with me. Don’t you steal kids or break shit?

BFG: Yeah probably, I haven’t read it.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

Prediction: The comeback to end all comebacks will not be televised. Something about squad average ages and injuries yawn yawn yawn. Evra to bite Neymar’s leg. 0-0 United.

M

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Our match day squad reads like a list of players who couldn’t get into the Manchester United Football Club end of season party, even after providing a valid ID, a letter from their parent, or guardian, and a recent gas bill. Which will make it all the more betterrer when we win handsomely.

Prediction: Geno will jizz myself to a death by cum bubbles, if we pull this off. Apologies to our younger readers for use of the term “pull this off”. Getting slightly aroused tbh. 0 – 0 United.