Here’s 5 things to not care about:

1. We were only half as good as the last game.

2. But still eighteen-thirds better than Arsenal.

3. Even Arsenal are eighteen-thirds better than Arsenal.

4. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was good I liked it when there was a raccoon.

5. GoT was good I liked it when there wasn’t a raccoon.

6. I like young Kurt Russell. He’d get it.

7. He’s not in GoT.

 (@Benglorious)

Zorya. Again. Still no idea what they are. What I do know is that their pitch is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard. Just like any pitch near the Arctic Circle, in the middle of winter, would be.

Prediction: Expect goals at either end, probably with nets. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

SHOW ME WHAT YOU’VE GOT

Night Watch/Day Watch (2004)

Russian (we’re playing in Russia. That’s the link) supernatural duology that is absolutely batshit mental. So batshit mental I legit can’t really remember what it’s about but I know there are like two police forces for The Others, one good, one evil, that keep each other in check or something. Then there’s this guy with a dead wife and a witch and a little baby doll’s head with spiders legs. No idea. That aside, pretty good*

*long time listeners: have I done this one before? Answer before 6pm UK time to win two tickets to the 2017 Tollesbury Open Garden weekend. Should be a lot of fun.

Prediction: Ice-T to change back to Water-T and crunch The Numbers. Who fucking cares anymore.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

If the pitch is so really etc hard, how come Memphis looks like he’s in sinking sand? Pathetic.

The only thing I know about this team is that they are available in all good Starbucks. The only other thing I know about this team is Antonio Banderas. And the only other thing I know about this team is they were formed one Christmas when Serhiy Rebrov got a dud hand at Scrabble.

Christmas films innit lads…

Edward Scissorhands 1990

Or Edward Obviouslywearinggloveswithbladessellotapedtothefingers more like. That, and well deep metaphors for stuff aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Our Edward Scissorhands, Marryone Brickfeet, to cry off from all the hate and have the roof cave in on him for realsies. What’s the difference between a prediction and a wish? 0-0 United. 

Paul Pogba, the second best of all the Pauls we know, out of the two we know, did two priceless goals, priced at 43 million Euro each. Though, he has Michael “Michael Carrick” Carrick to thank, for doing all his homework for him, and preparing his packed lunch.

Robin van Personallycouldntgiveafuck scored. Huzzah!! Everyone’s a winner. Except losers. And people who bet on United keeping a clean sheet. Unless they cashed out. Or didn’t make it to the bookies in time. Or had another bet on RVP sco

Here’s the 5 things we learned. None of which we have learned before, previously, in the past, or ever will again, in the future, or again:

1) Pogba is worth double what we paid for him regardless of what I said previously.

2) Memphis is still bad.

3) Think the dab could really catch on.

4) Memphis has gotten worse since 2)

5) Robbie Savage is an anus.

6) There’s absolutely no way we’re gonna lose a game by conceding 4 goals, after this performance.

In other news: Skipper Roo finally silenced his critics with a display of such wanting-to-chainsaw-your-eyes-out-with-a-chainsaw-made-from-barbed-wire-so-you-can-never-suffer-watching-him-play-football-again depths. We all killed ourselves irl and that’s why we are silent, is the a joke. I’m writing this from beyond the grave. Tell my mum to feed the cat. And not the oily tuna. It plays havoc with her thyroid. Is another joke. I don’t even have a cat. Just riffing on the a joke super highway in the sky with diamonds.

Here’s five things we learned from sixfields … SICKfields, when Rashford is playing. AMIRITE?!:

1. We can easily win every game if we get to shoot at an open goal from a yard out all the time.

2) Rooney. Get rid.

3. Thought Wayne looked like his old self. By which I mean him at 70.

4. Rashford is the lifeblood of Manchester United’s blood.

5. Herrera Rocher is really spoiling us.

6. Lol @ 5.

7. ffs I meant 3. 5 is bad.

8. Yeah. Thought I’d save it for a tweet but fuck it I’m a maverick.

m

 FBA-Nominated Maverick (@Benglorious)

The last time we played Northampton we actually had good players who were proven goalscorers for United – Diego Forlan and Mikaël Silvestre both netted that day. Those were the good times. Nowadays, we’re not even sure we can beat a team that is five hundred places below us in the league even though we’ve literally spent all the money on all the players and all the managers. Glory Glory Man United.

Prediction: JoMo to cease to exist because people stop talking about him. No-Marcus Gashfraud to hate the silencers by scoring a reverse-backheel. Pogba to score a hat-trick of doubt. 5-4 Northampton.

 FBA-Nominated Hammerlegend (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t know where Northampton is and I’m pretty sure I’ve driven through it more than twelve times.

What was always going to be a ‘let’s hope United slip up’ kinda game, I think the additional presence of a UN Peacekeeping force – in case any stray comments hurt one of our players – will raise the spectacle level by 2. Making it a 3. And as anyone who knows numbers will tell you, 3 is a magic number. Yes it is, it’s the magic number; somewhere in this hip-hop soul community, was born 3, Mase Dove and Me and that’s the magic number. What does it all mean? My analysis: Everybody wants to be a DJ, everybody wants to be an MC.

Prediction: Being Speakers are the best. Cease and Desist order from De La Soul’s legal representation, Pogba triple hat-trick to silence the haters, scientific proof that Rash actually is the second coming. 1-0, United.

m 

 FBI-Most Wanted (@ttackattackattack)

I am joining a monastery and hereby relinquish all sites and awards to Tom and Benno, the real heroes. Is something I would never say. I don’t even like monsters. Or Tom. Or Benno. Or either of them tbh. But, if I had to pick just one to like, forever, then I would have to say Joshua Tree.

Northampton, Northampton, Northampton. Hey?! What can be said about Northampton that hasn’t been already said: backwards sounds like a Danish baddy Transformer from the past and present future BC. Check if anyone has said that. Then, tell me who’s the baddest MF.

Prediction: RashforDeeply Depay bout the curves you got. Deeply hot; hot for the curves you got. Ohhhh Me-emphis… You can use that Benno. Just came to me. Use it. Or you’re fired. Scum. Pogba to triple the haters with a silent-trick. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 thi etc…

A) Rojo more like oh no! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha but seriously so bad.

6) One of their chants meant ‘Zlatan is a Chloe’. No idea but as long as it’s not bad I think this is great.

VI) Had legit forgotten Memphis was a thing. I think this was better for all involved as he too is bad.

Chequered flag emoji) didn’t watch it.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

FA Cup Final day is the most important day of the year unless Arsenal are playing. They’re not, so we all dodged a collective bullet this year. Can you actually imagine how big such a bullet, and how big the gun that fired it, would have to be, not even taking into account that everyone in the world would need to organise themselves into some sort of tight group to maximise devastation? We asked the top scientists in the world (Stephen Hawking, Neil Degrasse Tyson and that guy who played keyboards for Tony Blair) to calculate the actual size of said bullet and here are their findings: Quite large, probably bigger than a horse. I’ve forgotten my point.

I watched Deadpool (2016) last night but film reviews are a sign of weak character and feeble legs. That aside, pretty good.

Opposition Summary: London’s Crystal Palace are the only team left in the FA Cup that play in the Premiership League apart from Manchester United. They wear second-hand Barcelona shirts and have adopted their city’s most famous wild animal, the eagle, as their mascot. Alan Pardew, their charismatic manager, found fame before football as the inventor of the melon.

Prediction: What a game we’re in store for today! Goals for Borthwick-Jackson, Fosu-Mensah and Memphis-Depay ensure a comfortable victory for Jose Mourinho’s Red and White Army. 0-0 FT, 0-0 AET, United win 0-0 on penalties.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I like the symmetry of it all; 26 years ago we won the FA cup to begin a period of unparalleled success. This nicely bookends it. If only old ham-face had realised ages ago that he’s a bit of a bell (ham-face is being used here to describe LVG, not that time Brett put ham on his face). Still, cup final is a cup final and as any liverpool fan will tell you, losing one 3-1 after being a goal up is horrible. Although hilarious if you’re us and watching them.

The average human male femur only weighs 400gms.

You Only Live Twice (1967)

Firstly, that title: You only live once. It was a meme for ages. Sean turns Japanese (I really think so hashtag only80skids) and it is racist. Cold war shenanigans – again! – as spaceships go missing and everyone’s like ‘wh-whut? send in James, he’ll blend in’. Noteworthy for great names – Kissy Suzuki, Tiger Tanaka and Little Nellie who is actually a helicopter – and the scene that inspired Hank Scorpio. Basically, without this film you’d have no hammock district. Let that sink in. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: The final that will be second only to Stanley Matthews as Memphis tears it right up. Really good feeling about Memphis this game. Memphis. Wayne to defeat Apocalypse. 3-0 United, Memphis hat-trick.

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

According to the FA Cup form books, this game is a nailed on 3-3 draw, cos of 26 years ago innit.

Did I ever tell you that I taught Keith Houchen all he knows? Including: how to write in ye olde English with a felt calligraphy pen? How to maximise the life-span of a goldfish; the correct administration and implementation with regards to their dietary requirements?  The correct use of a pumice stone? And usage per stone? Well, you’re never gonna know, cos Benno posted this preview before I had chance to finis

Prediction: Call me an idiot but this game has got a Tony V left-footed-match-winning goal written all over it. Idiot. 0-0 United. 0-0 United (a.e.t). o-o United on pens. That was gonna be my a joke, but just to reiterate Benno posted thi

WE’RE GONNA DO A TREBLE!!!!

Here’s 5 things we learned about this game/life:

i) If you watch the first half and it’s bad actually bad but then have to go out and come home to find it’s 1-0, it’s loads funnier.

B) Watford’s mistake was missing all their chances.

appendix) Streams are good except when they aren’t.

spleen) All those duff free-kicks were just sharking our opponents. Lucky we saved if for mighty Watford.

Epicene) I think LVG should stay now. This is Paul.

n

n

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Henry? Jane? Focus? Mondeo? All potential answers to the ultimate question: Watford? *pause for laugh* Thanks, pretty proud of that one.

Opposition Summary: Watford play in a vicarage so they always look forward to their away games where they can play on a full-size pitch and their fans can drink something other than tea with a side of scones and a large helping of god. Their shirts are yellow, like Norwich’s, but with black bits, like Newcastle’s. The shirt I’m now imagining is actually nothing like Watford’s. How about you?

Prediction: Rashford to be a cuddly toy in a blatant theft of Tom’s best joke and get his customary two in an even more blatant theft of Brett’s best joke. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I’d’ve said the Vauxhall Labrador.

Bonus ‘Cartoons from the 80s’ Review due to not having anything else:

The Mysterious Cities of Gold

Everyone’s childhood favourite, this slow-paced piece of trash is actually bad. The Condor plane thing is still great and shouting ‘MENDOOOOOZZZAAAA’ a la McBain never gets dull, but overall, nothing happens. That aside, pretty good.

Thundercats

Huge mis-step killing off Jaga early doors, series never really recovers IMO. And Lion-O’s a jerk. As is Wilykit/Kat. And Snarf. Mumm-Ra also sucks. That aside, pretty good.

Around the World in 80 days

See: Cities of Gold but with superior theme song. That aside etc

Dogtargnan and the Muskehounds (may be spelt incorrectly. I’m not checking)

Biggest disappointment of adult life; badly animated, poorly scripted, the only one to emerge with any dignity from this debacle, is Cardinal Richelieu. Abject dross.

Transformers

Whilst initially starting life as a prolonged advert for a toy line based on the unprecedented success of the Star Wars merchandise machine, Transformers soon became the greatest thing in the world ever. Early episodes, whilst undeniably formulaic, gave hints as to the later, more epic storylines, culminating in the innovative Transformers: The Movie. From here, the series only went from strength to strength, perhaps encapsulated best by Headmasters: The Rebirth in which the Cybertronians – left with no other choice – bio-genetically bond with Nebulan counter-parts, thereby asking the kind of metaphysical questions that had hitherto only been pondered by academics and wizards. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Watford you say? 4-0 United, out of respect for Optimus Prime (And to a lesser extent, Hi-Q, his nebulan power-master). Or 2-2. Again, guessing is hard.

.

 Brett(@tack@tack@tack)

Memphis full stop cos of the Arsenal review you didn’t read and not cos of writers block like a professional writerer gets cos professional.

Thought I’d take this opportunity to reply to a few of my fans’ questions:

Anna_31 (5 miles away) via Ads by Traffic Junky:

Why two question marks Anna when there is only one question? Or is the question in effect in two parts? Are you proposing we do that together, or is that just information you’re sharing with me and you’re asking if I also would like to do that, but separate to yourself? Appropriate use of punctuation would clear much of this up. Get back to me when you’ve addressed the above issues x

Prediction: Rashford with his customary two cos can do all the a customary/custard/customs/custis/ joke over again. 0-0 United.