WOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOO!! NO MORE RUDDY GAMwhat? FA Cup what? FFS.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Didn’t watch it on a stream or even the highlights that’s how little I care now.

2. Agents of SHIELD was lovely, Fitz & Simmons got married.

3. I listened to the Liverpool game on the radio because I was repairing plaster.

4. They sound pretty good, might challenge for this season’s title.

5. I watched the game on the television because I was drying paint with my eyesBOOM!

(@Benglorious)

Football’s out for summer

Football’s out for ever

That last one’s probably not 100% accurate but you have to hand some artistic licence to Mr Cooper, whether you’re hanging with him or not. You also have to give the man some serious credit: he literally has a song for every occasion – when school’s out, when you need to get elected, when there’s poison, when you’ve got a hungry Frankenstein… The list goes on. FOR. EVER. lol just a little callback humour for you there.

Prediction: Football to not be out for summer, nor will it be out forever. United to finally put together their best performance of the season, just in time to secure second place. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Oh ffs why won’t this season die?

Prediction: 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Are you taking the piss now? Another fucking game? Fuck your words. Fuck your EPL. Fuck you all.

Lol @ Michael Carrick not playing … unless it’s raining.

Prediction: Most thrilling game the EPL has ever witnessed with end to end action and goals. 0-0 United

As promised, us the real heroes, have got the hot scoop (old newspaper term) on the most recent club leaks. Obviously as superfans we’ve long been privy to the club’s inner workings but think the time is right to tell you, the reader, what we’ve learnt. Learned? Learnt? (These are alternative forms of the past tense and past participle of the verb learn. Both are acceptable.)

Anyway, onto the cold hard facts we haven’t made up or heard second-hand (our source is a senior member at the club but to protect his identity, we’ll call him Bryan Figgs)

Us: Yo B-Dogg, whassup?

BF: Shouldn’t that be R-Dogg?

Us: You’ve fucking ruined your anonymity, Ry… er, Bryan.

BF: This bird’s gonna fly. (It was at this point Bryan jumped through our window. He’s almost perfectly fine – we’re poor so there’s no glass. However, we are on the third floor.)

Fearing for our exclusive, we had one last throw of the dice. Luckily, Brett went to Borstal with let’s call him Dwayne and the two have kept in touch with hand-written letters, mostly in crayon and/or blood. What follows are excerpts from these letters:

(October 28th 2015)

‘….Anyways, I turn to Loony Van Gaal and say “Eh boss, do we have to eat these placentas la?” and he was like all “Yesh, more plashentas means more irons, now look at my genitals….You ever shee balls like that Wayne?” I had to be honest: I hadn’t.’

(January 12th 2016)

‘He’s really getting us down now, Brett… This morning, at training, he made us wear different animal outfits. Which was fun but then we had to simulate sex acts with each other and describe what the resultant offspring would look like and the pros/cons of attempted cross-species breeding. And I had to ride a bike. I’m in no shape to be riding a bike’ Dwayne mumbled through a mouthful of Haribo.

(February 22nd 2016)

‘….came into today and he was just sitting there, wearing a nappy, drinking Old Spice and quoting N.W.A. lyrics.’

(March 1st 2016)

We were compiling the above excerpts in our bustling newsroom when the door buzzed. It was Dwayne with a tall man whom we instantly recognised as a colleague of Dwayne’s.

D: All right, la. You know Mic…

Us: CODENAMES, WAY.. er, DWAYNE!! 

D: Oh, yeah! He turns to his companion: “Told you they were pros, “Lichael Larrick”. Wink.

LL: Did you just say “wink”?

D: I don’t think so.

LL: Pretty sure you just said “wink”.

D: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WINK, OK? I’ve spent my whole life perfecting my first touch and just never had the time.

He breaks down. Lichael hugs him but rolls his eyes at us over Dwayne’s shoulder and mouths “first touch lol”.

Us: So lads, what can we do for you?

LL: Captain Tubs here mentioned he’d been corresponding with an old cellmate, and I just wanted to make sure that anything he’d said couldn’t be traced back to us. We have to be very careful these days when we’re playing at “sources”. You understand, right?

Us: Of course, er, Lichael. Please feel reassured that we never use names, we change quotes just enough so that they’re untraceable as well as throwing in the odd red herring so that our readers have to take everything with a pinch of salt.

D: That makes me hungry.

LL: We’ll stop at Maccy D’s on the way to Darrington. 

D: Oh.

LL: (sighs) And KFC.

D: (grins) Boss.

Us: So Lichael, do you believe that nothing you say about the club, good or bad, will ever get attributed to you by our three readers, all of whom are in this room right now?

LL: Yes.

Us: In that case, why don’t you tell us about the current malaise at the club? Maybe throw in something about negative training methods, how the Glazers are just using United as a piggy bank, or even the ineptitude of Woodward? The fans love all that stuff.

LL: Van Gaal is a cunt.

FADE TO BLACK

D: Nice article tags, tags.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Rather cleverly, Brett has put a video in his bit that won’t play on my computer so I can’t ruin/steal his joke. This makes me think he’s got an adult to help him which is clearly against the rules that I just thought of. I also can’t ruin/steal Tom’s jokes because I have to ghostwrite his like some sort of writing ghost. How do ghosts even write if they can’t touch anything? Maybe they dictate to some sort of monster with fingers. I’ve forgotten my point.

m

Opposition summary: CSKA Moscow are the only team in the European League of Champions that I can’t think of a joke for because my dinner’s ready. 

Prediction:  Chicken and vegetables in a tomato and basil sauce with steamed rice and a cool glass of blackberry & apple squash. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Won’t have time, tonight or for Saturday – flat out at the minute pals

I’m sure YOU’LL come up with something pal

Plumbing on a Saturday? You? Something ain’t right here

Glol x

At WBA game innit

CLASS TRAITOR

WE TAKE THE PISS OUT OF FOOTBALL WE DON’T GO TO ACTUAL MATCHES

I’m going ironically

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Four Martial goals per minute until the end of time as we know it. 1-o Sunderland.

Prediction: 

 .

 Brett (@tendencytoleaveyouneedingasewingkitforyoursides)

Three correct predictions in a row for me and that one up there, with the joke stealing face. If we get four in a row, then everyone who reads this wins at life. Apart from Benno and Tom.

I decided to do some re: search for this crucial, makey breaky, high-pressure … I’m gonna say … game?

The only thing on the whole of the internet about ‘Moscow’ was this music video below*, so I’m starting to doubt whether Moscow isn’t just a banter. Also, tbh, the young lady in the video isn’t even singing about Moscow, but another place called Moscau:

*Strangely enough, if you listen carefully, you can hear a baby alien crying out for a Michael (presumably Carrick). Maybe it’s a sign from a parallel Universe, who don’t have a clue what they’re talking about, to play him…?

Prediction: Danny with his custard and ice cream. Don’t tell Wenger. Hashtag Vangle out, out. As in, in. 0-0 United.

With Halloween just around the corner, we’re giving this analysis an egg theme…

An egg each took the match into Added Egg Time and then eggsactly what happened next has been destroyed in the fire.

No doubt, Capper Roo set the eggsample, and Michael ‘The Michael Carrick’ Carrick, and Ashley ‘The Elder’ Young did the rest.

.

Here’s 5 eggs we learned:

1) Rooney is bad.

2) People like tinned peas (and eggs).

3) Rooney is an egg. Sorry eggs.

4) Vangle is an anagram of eg vlan. Like Egg Flan.

5) Eggs are EASTER.

6) This was a waste of your time and ours and eggs.

Tim Sherwood walked into the dressing room. Louis van Gaal’s reign had been a disaster, with United failing to make the Champions League, or even the Europa League. There had been an outcry among the papers, and, in their infinite wisdom, Ed Woodward and the Glazer family had decided a domestic manager was the best option.

Sherwood’s run at Aston Villa at the end of the 2014/15 season had been as successful as Van Gaal’s had been a disaster. Under him, Villa had played 16, won 13, lost three, and United fans had to endure the sight of Tom Cleverley lifting the FA Cup.

The Villains’ victory over the Red Devils at Old Trafford had been cited as the beginning of the end for the Dutchman. His side never recovered their lost confidence, and he had been ignominiously sacked, and taken over as David Moyes’ assistant at Real Sociedad.

Sherwood had engineered a simple-but-effective counter-attacking performance. That had lodged itself into Woodward’s mind, and the former Tottenham Hotspur man’s chummy bravado had won United’s Chief Executive’s affections.

“Right lads,” said Tim, “here’s the philosophy…” He had accompanied that much pilloried word with air quotes, of course. The dressing room erupted with laughter, as Tim grinned broadly.

“Show ‘em Les.” Les Ferdinand, standing by Sherwood’s side, dramatically flipped over a page of flip chart paper. On it was printed huge number “4”. “Four!” exclaimed Tim. Ferdinand flipped over another page. Another “4.” “Four!” yelled Sherwood, “say it with me lads…”

The players, led by Wayne Rooney, mostly joined in with a hearty “two!” as Ferdinand flipped another page to reveal exactly that.

There were cheers around the dressing room, as players who had been forced to adapt to a 3-5-2 system that clearly did not suit them were delighted to be freed from complex tactical thinking. Daley Blind and Michael Carrick looked a little put out, but in general the mood was buoyant.

“Tim Sherwood thinks you’re all great players,” said Tim Sherwood, speaking in the third person, as Tim Sherwood is wont to do.

“If you follow Tim Sherwood’s instructions, you’ll be just fine. First of all, you have to think like Tim Sherwood. Get it and give it. Run the channels. Passion. Lots and lots of that. It’s very important.”

“Who are we marking at corners, boss?” asked Rooney. “Call me Tim, Wazza. And call yourself Wayne Rooney, that’s very important too. Shows ‘em you mean business and know your stuff.”

“Wayne Rooney wants to know who he’s picking up at corners,” said Rooney, slowly, practising this new form of speech.

“Phil Jones is in charge of that. He’ll tell you,” replied the manager.

“Phil Jones will tell you!” yelled Jones, pumping his fist in triumph.

A few months later it was all over. After a great start, as excitement and passion carried United through, Sherwood’s tactical naivety was cruelly exposed. He was replaced by Pep Guardiola, in what was universally considered to be history’s oddest managerial succession.

Sherwood took over the reigns at Villa again, kept them from relegation, and was rewarded with the Chelsea job after Jose Mourinho left to take over at Bayern Munich.

Back to Reality

Of course, in reality, Sherwood is not the caricature painted above. His managerial career is fledgling, but he has had some success. Whilst his “win ratio” may have become a meme, he did reasonable work at Spurs, and is off to a decent start at Aston Villa.

However, he is a long way off proving himself at an elite level.

On Saturday, he will be hoping to engineer an upset against a Van Gaal side that, in reality, is in excellent form. That in itself is a long shot. The idea of him taking the hot seat at Old Trafford?

The odds on that would have to be second-to-none.

Benno (@Benglorious)

I don’t know much about replays (nobody does) but I really don’t want to sit through that drab 0-0 again (nobody does), so why BT Sport are showing the game again, nobody does.  It would make more sense (the cup’s format, not that previous sentence) for the two teams involved to play a completely new game as a way of deciding who goes through to the next round of the FA Cup to get knocked out by Norwich.  They could call this sort of game: “A Way Of Deciding Who Goes Through To The Next Round Of The FA Cup To Get Knocked Out By Norwich Brought To You By Ladbrokes And PG Tips And Lambrini And Milk”.  They could also put the game on telly.  People like telly.

Prediction:  If this is a completely new game, United will not make the same mistake twice that they’ve already done five or six times this season.  What this mistake is, nobody knows, but it’s cost Vangle points, ergo: it’s cost him prizes as well.  This has left Mrs Vangle still longing for a new Sodastream.  To ensure that Mrs V has an endless supply of drinks that stay fizzy for no more than forty seconds, United will pull out all the stops to get a comfortable win.  Fletcher will marshall the midfield alongside the rejuvenated Anderson leaving Rooney to play in his preferred role in attack.  He will gel seamlessly with Robin and they will score two goals each whilst the back four shut out the Cambridge attack with an effortless display.  1-0 Cambridge.

In the spotlight this week is Michael Carrick: He loves Stephen Fry novels, draught excluding and he never misses an episode of That 7o’s Show:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Was just gonna copy and paste what I wrote last time but turns out it was just a brief tirade about friday night football. This week, I will be mostly complaining about the pronunciation of ‘Cambridge': What’s the river called? The River Cam. So its Cam-bridge, not Camebridge. And these people are supposed to be our best and brightest. Idiots.

This is where a lazy writer would make a joke about the EuroMillions and it being the wrong day.

Prediction:  More goals than man, twisted and evil. FT: 12-12, United – the red ones – to go through on goodwill and camaraderie. 

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Kags, Chich, Danny, Apollo, Fletch, Mickey, Adrian, and now with Andesron leaving, that’s the last time we’ll see the Crazy Gang down Arnold’s. Apparently, even though Fletch claimed Chich and Kags hated each other, the fall out came years after; and that kiss was genuine. I’m just going to reflect on this paragraph before I continue.  .eunitnoc I erofeb hpargarap siht no tcelfer ot gniog tsuj m’I .eniuneg saw ssik taht dna after; sraey emac tuo llaf eht ,rehto hcae detah sgaK dna hcihC demialc hctelF hguoht neve ,yltnerappA .s’dlonrA nwod gnaG yzarC eht ees ll’ew emit tsal eht s’taht ,gnivael norsednA htiw won dna ,nairdA ,yekciM ,hctelF ,ollopA ,ynnaD ,hcihC ,sgaK

BOOM! And not only is that a brilliant joke about “reflecting”, it works wonders for my word count. Though, having said that, as they’re not actually words, not sure they actually count in the word count? I suppose it doesn’t matter too much because this paragraph has done just about the same job. Just need one more word. There.

Vangle needs to rethink everything apart from his hair imo. I know that’s at least 27 things after the last time I made a list of everything; so he’s got his work cut out. And he cuts his work out using Dutch Hallmark phrases poorly translated through Google Translate shaped into the concept of left handed safety scissors … but het is een marathon geen sprint.

Cambridge boss Cash Money said beating us tonight would be like winning the EuroMillions, but he’s made a classic error there in appropriating the joke with the wrong day. When we played them on a Friday that would have worked much better cos that’s when the EuroMillions draw actually takes place, so there’s an obvious etc…

Prediction: Tom to not have a clue how to use the simple copy and paste function, but make up some excuse about not wanting to. 4-1 United. The good one! No, the other one.

Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s all excitement and joy today in Bifurcated Towers as myself and Tom (the guy with the preview below mine that you always skip over to get to Brett’s little piece of insanity) are actually visiting the Theatre of Dreams in actual real life and stuff.  Apparently, the previews we write are for actual real games and this is one of them.   We don’t know why Brett isn’t coming, but we both thank him for paying for our tickets with that money that I told him was for Bifurcated-headed stationery.

The thing about today’s trip is that we will be “tourist fans”, which, according to a certain fanzine that shall remain nameless, are the worst thing in the world and it’s our fault that the, hmmm, “R-Issue” had to close down.  “The Red-I” (that sounds way cooler) also took issue with families being happy but we’re neither of those things so they can’t be mad at us for that.  My personal theory, however, is that because we’ll be gaining entry with Season Tickets, we are actually “real fans” and because there’s only 55,000 real fans in the whole world, we are better than the rest of you plastics who probably live in Essex and think you’re real fans because you write for a United website.

Prediction:  After the 3-1  victory in the return fixture last year, Vangle will be looking to Di Maria to replicate his goal-of-the-season-contender from that game.  Literally.  Like, if he doesn’t copy it exactly he will be shipped out with Anderson to be his in-flight snack.  Carrick’s out injured for the first time in his United career so whoever his replacement is will replace him.  Rooney will score two to add to Angel’s earlier doppelgoäler giving us a comfortable three-goal win.  1-0 Leicester.

Chris is a big fan of fancy dress, stained glass windows and the diaries of George Washington:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Who is this?

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)