In Mourinho’s defence (DEFENCE!!) … GEDDIT!!

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Didn’t watch it.

2. Who were we playing.

3. What was the score.

4. If Fellaini’s recent form is any indication, GoTG vol. 2 is gonna be gold.

5. Minus 5 cool pts for Tony V for Rashing it up on the goal-line.

6. Glenn Hoddle is a chump jive ass motherfucker.

7. Seriously, what was the score?

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: Brett’s big idea to do a preview a joke where he makes me and Tom look like a football nerds to be ruined by Tom doing his own a jokes. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Middlesborough were founded by Juninho in 1992. I  think someone – I wanna say Bryan Robson – once wore the shorts and socks with a shirt/tie/blazer combo and it was glorious.

Regards to United, I am personally disgusted at how we’ve given up 6th. Not only that, a win today would take us 5th; that’s two league positions in as many days. After 4 months of 6th. What was the ruddy point.

Iron Fist (2017)

Definitely not a man to try and fight as he is a kung fu master and he can turn one of his fists into Iron. Kinda dumb since Iron Man has really run with the idea but at the same time awesome kung fu so fuck off haters. That aside, pretty good

Prediction:  62-0 United. So many goals in that team.

m 

(@bifurcated_utd)

Ooooh look at us. We can write words. Pathetic. This a joke doesn’t work now. Thanks Tom.

Prediction: Tom to ruin everything, ever. Not just in relation to this preview. 0-0 United.

Pogba and Martial were the conductors collecting tickets, as the passengers from the North East were left without a seat in the first class carriage, cos Martial and Pogba had reserved them for themselves, and they weren’t moving for anyone, even small children and pensioners cos their goals were purchased online weeks in advance. Choo-Choo – one more like, cos of the trains. Full steam ahead!!

Here’s 5 things we learned at the festive football buffet cart:

1. Martial = actually good.

2. Pogba = actually good.

3. Fellaini = actually not *that* bad unless you compare him everyone else who is actually good.

4. Suck it Lee Mason, you bastard chimera of foreskin and Phil Mitchell.

5. See 1-4 above.

6. 1 to 4 or 1 minus 4? Both = actually good. Just not sure our audience would appreciate the intricacies/intelligenceness of the arguments raised/consideredness by -3. Or any of our – points. Hence, I only ever publish the 5 plus points.

7. Bob Mortified more like.

 (@Benglorious)

Christmas was good because Brett didn’t try and force any of his lyrics on me. In unrelated news, I’m out of lyrics.

Prediction: Middlesbra used to have Ravanelli playing up front. Rava-fucking-nelli. Ask your dad. Or Paul, whichever is oldest. Paul. Happy New Year or whatever. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Not writing words because I legit hate you two and our audience (Paul).

Also Middlesborough are for tools.

Prediction: Who/when are we playing?

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

It’s the end of another great year for the great friends team at Bifurcated Towers! Not nearly nominated for an FBA. And only blocked by 37 users of popular social media platform Twitter. I was only dead for 312 days. Tom thought about writing a blog post with words. And I don’t think I’m forgetting anyone else. Oh yeah, how could I forget Paul?! That’s definitely it now.

Here’s to another 1000 posts and some more great lols in 2017!! Or, what the critics are calling 20BIFteen. That a joke worked better in 2015 and also slightly better in 2016 tbf.

Prediction: 0-0 United. 

With Halloween just around the corner, we’re giving this analysis an egg theme…

An egg each took the match into Added Egg Time and then eggsactly what happened next has been destroyed in the fire.

No doubt, Capper Roo set the eggsample, and Michael ‘The Michael Carrick’ Carrick, and Ashley ‘The Elder’ Young did the rest.

.

Here’s 5 eggs we learned:

1) Rooney is bad.

2) People like tinned peas (and eggs).

3) Rooney is an egg. Sorry eggs.

4) Vangle is an anagram of eg vlan. Like Egg Flan.

5) Eggs are EASTER.

6) This was a waste of your time and ours and eggs.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Eating my dinner while I’m “writing” because apparently I have more important things in my life than this shambolic website. Only joking. Not the dinner part – I’ve just dropped some mince on thr kweybnoardf.

m

Opposition summary: Middlesborough should be better than my last joke, but you (me) haven’t seen them since the heady days of Fabrizio Ravanelli, Juninho and Andy Townsend – Yes, he was a footballer before he became a bell. Or maybe he was always a bell. Yeah, that one – so you (me) can’t really comment. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction: Brett’s thing about the well was quite good. You probably haven’t read that yet unless you’re either a) weird, or, 2) your perception of time has evolved to the point where it is not a constant. Which is weird. Anyway SPOILER ALERT he does this little gag about throwing Rooney down a well. I think you’ll like it. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t care about this game so much I didn’t even know who we were playing until just now. You can’t teach that kind of apathy – when you’re all having heart attacks and that when you’re old, I’ll be safe in Doom Mountain, laughing quietly to myself and playing backgammon. Also, can someone teach me backgammon?

This week’s film reviews:

Watership Down (1978)

Based on Richard Adam’s novel, it’s basically about rabbits. Catchy theme. As old as me. That aside, pretty good.

The Death of the Incredible Hulk (1990. Lol)

Awful. Truly awful. Does have Lou Ferrigno though and still better than all the new ones. That aside, pretty good.

Goodfellas (1990)

Misleading title. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Affordable and reliable hoverboards by 2020. Wayne is still playing then; he has not got better. 3-0 United or Boro, goals to be scored by their respective players after shots on goal are not stopped by the goalkeeper. Which is like his one job.

 .

 Brett (@ttenTION(like soldiers innit)

I remember when Middlesborough were something, but I can’t remember exactly what. It definitely wasn’t a frisbee, or a collection of vintage cufflink boxes or, or an army of seahorses. I’ll narrow it down on the spreadsheet, I’ve lovingly prepared on the back of this cigarette packet, and get back to you…

One thing Middlesborough definitely are is the proverbial banana skin: yellow and bitter. Suck on my a banter. 

We should drop Rooney. Down a well.

Prediction: Danny with his costume drama recital. You try finding more words that begin with ‘Cus’, then seal them in an envelope and post them up your face. Vangle’s boys to get the result we/you/us deserve. 0-0 United (0-0 on penalties, a.e.t).