That Arnautsausage goal was a banger. That’s funny cos his name is sausage and banger is a sausage in Stoketown. It stayed hit. And is now orbiting John Lewis. John Lewis wasn’t available for comment, cos he’s filming the new series of Lewis: A crime drama based on Inspector Morse’s dealings with the contractors from Auf Wiedersehen Pet, who fitted out his swimming pool in Europeland. Too soon. This MDMA is shit. Think I’m gonna do another one…

The other goal was pure comedy. Written by Russell Howard.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Stoke is the new Robbie Williams.

2) Robbie Williams isn’t dead. Yet.

3) Hans Solo is still dead – it wasn’t a joke or anything.

4) Who do we complain to about this?

5) Serious question; I want names.