Here’s 5 things we learned, aside from the fact we are pretty good at mixy-letter-word jokes:

1. I have no idea what is going on at United but it is actually bad.

2. Luke Shaw really needs to hit the gym.

3. Zlatan really needs to hit Skrtel.

4. I blame Brexit.

5. United are currently leading City in the league by 5pts, with Rashford and Rooney top scorers. Zlatan has been sold to Leverkusen for £30m.

6. Fellaini has been sold for 50p to Coventry Clown College.

7. PES is better than real life.

8. Don’t @ me once you @ me out of this.

9. Coventry Clown College have been stitched right up imho.

10. Innit.

If you want to learn that beating City is loads better than losing to City, and that Herrera is really spoiling us (lol, like the chocolate advert. You fuck off and get new jokes), and that well known raconteur and Royal correspondent Paul Gunning had this to say, “If ‘Antonio Valencia actually has a left foot’ doesn’t make it into your 5 things we learnt, you’re doing it wrong”. True fans will of course have seen his let foot numerous times – it is at the bottom of his left foot and helps him to balance/walk/run/play football whilst also, who the fuck is Paul Gunning?? and that should’ve been a penalty, and not a goal so we could miss it and keep up the losing narrative, and that I believe Paul Gunning was an old wooden ship from the civil war era and that assumed we were aiming for penalties to learn new ways to lose re: 4., then you’ve come to the right place…

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Beating City is loads better than losing to City.

2.Herrera is really spoiling us (lol, like the chocolate advert. You fuck off and get new jokes).

3. Well known raconteur and Royal correspondent Paul Gunning had this to say, “If ‘Antonio Valencia actually has a left foot’ doesn’t make it into your 5 things we learnt, you’re doing it wrong”. True fans will of course have seen his let foot numerous times – it is at the bottom of his left foot and helps him to balance/walk/run/play football whilst also, who the fuck is Paul Gunning??

4.Should’ve been a penalty and not a goal so we could miss it and keep up the losing narrative.

5. I believe Paul Gunning was an old wooden ship from the civil war era.

6. Assumed we were aiming for penalties to learn new ways to lose re: 4.

Paul Pogba, the second best of all the Pauls we know, out of the two we know, did two priceless goals, priced at 43 million Euro each. Though, he has Michael “Michael Carrick” Carrick to thank, for doing all his homework for him, and preparing his packed lunch.

Robin van Personallycouldntgiveafuck scored. Huzzah!! Everyone’s a winner. Except losers. And people who bet on United keeping a clean sheet. Unless they cashed out. Or didn’t make it to the bookies in time. Or had another bet on RVP sco

Here’s the 5 things we learned. None of which we have learned before, previously, in the past, or ever will again, in the future, or again:

1) Pogba is worth double what we paid for him regardless of what I said previously.

2) Memphis is still bad.

3) Think the dab could really catch on.

4) Memphis has gotten worse since 2)

5) Robbie Savage is an anus.

6) There’s absolutely no way we’re gonna lose a game by conceding 4 goals, after this performance.