(@Benglorious)

Southampton are yet another of those teams that played Sunderland one day and stole their kits. Seriously:  why do so many teams have the same kits? I may be colour-blind, but even I know there’s enough colours in a set of Crayolas for every team to have a different colour shirt. Southampton could easily have a Burnt Sienna home shirt and a Jazzberry Jam away one. They could even do a third strip in Wild Blue Yonder if they wanted a little change every now and then. I bet Kappa would be interested in this.

Southampton have a long-standing tradition of playing their games in a city that, by some unbelievable coincidence, is also called Southampton. Their stadium is called something but that’s not important because they’re not playing there today. They’ll be driving the forty or so miles to Manchester to play at Old Trafford, which is actually quite old in dog years even though bits of it are quite shiny and built using very contemporary techniques including pit ponies and stealth bombers.

Players to watch out for today are Victor Wagamama, Pelé and Craiiiiiiiig David.

Prediction:  It’s Hollandman whoisthesouthaptonmanagerman versus Netherlandian Portugman in the battle of the managers today.  Big Ron Medium I’m gonna say Dave(?!) and Flatface Louis Angryboyface man will slug it out to see who can emerge victorious.  Not literally; they’ll actually just be pretty much sitting on their arses for ninety minutes whilst the players do all the hard work but the managers will still take all the credit.  Hardly seems fair, right?  Tough shit.  Thems the breaks and if you don’t like it, go and watch darts or wrestling with the other morons.  *drops mic* 1-0 Southampton.

Big Tony V loves breaking shins but do you know what else he loves?  Rabbits, French cheeses and the collected works of Charles Dickens:

 (@tom_mcghee)

The Titanic sailed from Southampton. And for just 100 instalments of £8.99, you too can have a 1:1 replica of the ill-fated deathtrap. Cast from metal actually recovered from the wreck, it features working lights (that go out after you start taking on water) and lifeboats that can’t be deployed – Order now and get the Iceberg and complimentary band* FREE!

Are we even playing Southampton? Other thoughts: the Ant-Man Ant-Man 2 trailer was disappointing. And why don’t socks get holes in at the same time? Are we to believe, like, that one foot does more work?

*Also available to purchase separately for £49.99 each (RRP £89.99) Alternatively, if you can make frozen water (or “ice”) yourself, just have fun with it.

Prediction: United to win by virtue of goals scored. Gonna go with 4-0 with Falcao Falcao scoring all 5 and Nasri for Rooney at 63 mins.

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’ve got no time to write this now cos of those two primarkdonnas hogging the editing suite. The rumour around the bifurcated office is that Bob writes his previews in front of the mirror. And that Ted writes his previews in front of the mirror. And that they also both spend hours in front of the mirror when they’re not doing previews: like when they’re eating toast, or sharpening pencil crayons (I didn’t have the time to think of other narcissistic scenarios).

Ronald Koeman Whoever the Southampton manager is might look a bit like Eric from Guess Who. And Vangle Jose looks a bit like a kebab Scotch Egg. I don’t know, I’m just freestyling this like a maverick genius, or reading some old notes I had on my phone from earlier this week century. Not sure tbh…

Prediction: Ted and Bob to become famous and forget about me ffs. Me, the one who gave them their first leg up ffs. When they were nothing ffs. Literally nothing ffs. A pair of annoying trolls ffs. Ruining Twitter for everyone else ffs. Can you believe they’d do this to me ffs? After all I’ve done for them ffs. This is the way they repay me ffs. ffs. 0-0 United.

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Note to self: adding ffs to the end of multiple short sentences doesn’t really pad out your word count sufficiently enough to make it worth your while. But, gold star for effort. What with the time thing and all. Thanks. Don’t mention it. I won’t. You just did. You. You. Okay, definitely enough padding now.

Prediction: Rashford to continue his rise to glory by scoring for the third successive game and dedicating it to Old Man Zlat. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Remember when Joey met Zlatan in France and he made that big nose gesture? Was really hoping today was the day Ibra was gonna murder him up real nice.  Think we can all agree that’s not going to happen and start looking at alternatives (I have been working on a Wild Wild wicky Wild West-esque giant mechanical spider but it’s early days yet, collateral damage would be catastrophic).

There is no film review this week as I have been just so much politics. Classic ruddy politics.

Prediction: Politics! Everywhere! Fierce opinions! Loud. Noises. 5-0 United, Keane to score a hat-trick of OGs  (own goals) which will transfer next season to AG (actual goals) when we re-sign him for 10 times what we sold him for which is just good business. Nasri with customary Brace after replacing Rooney (lol, remember him?)

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(@bifurcated_utd)

I apologise to our reader for being such a let-down after the two real heroes saved the day again…

If my game on FIFA ’17 last night is anything to go by, then we’re going to win 0-3, with Roondawg scoring two from the bench. Let’s just hope Bristol City turn up, and not Burnley. And that Burnley (Bristol City) have a broken controller that defaults right every time a player collects the ball, making it easy to win possession back. And that Burnley (Bristol City) have never played FIFA ’17 before. And that Burnley (Bristol City) are drunk. And it’s 3am in the morning. And Burnley’s (Bristol City’s) girlfriend is giving them a hard time for not socialising at the house party, and instead playing FIFA ’17 with the old bald guy with no friends in the corner.

Prediction: An attacking performance of the like that no human eye has witnessed since eyes began; free from the shackles of Zlatan’s tyrannical reign of terror. 0-0 United.

 (@Benglorious)

Coming out the slums, it’s the hoodlums. I’m pulling my gat out on all you bums. So bring it on when you want to come fight this outlaw, kicking like Billy Ray Cypress Hill. Chill, I’ll bust that grill, grab my gat and load up the steel. And if you want to get drastic I’ll pull out my plastic glock, automatic synthetic material. Burial plots in order, headed down to the Mexican border. Smoking that smelly, Northern Cali, gonna put a slug in Captain O’Malley. Ho hum, hear the gat come, BOOM! Let me see what you’ll do. It’s a sin to kill a man, but I’ll be damned if I don’t take a stand against writing previews for midweek league cup games.

Prediction: Brett to wish his preview was first so everyone knew I stole his idea of using the raps. Oh. 4-0 United unless we do a United in which case it will be 4-4 United but probably more like 1-1 United. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

1-2 1-2 keep it on, listen to the shit cos we kick it till dawn. Listen to the abstract got it going on, listen to ladies come on and let me spawn. All your eggs then go up the river, listen to that abstract freaky SHUT IT DOWN.

Like Ma Bell, I got the ill communication. Word ‘em up, word word ‘em up.

Westworld (2016)

Billy is deffos young man in black. Got the knife and everything. Actually just the knife. Billy might not be the man in black. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Andy Carroll. I don’t think I got the rap thing. 24-0 United, Nasri brace.

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 (@ttackattackattack)

One, two, three and I come with the redneck style, cos you know I get paid by the mile, like Avis. I pave this, fast save this, everybody smile and act gracious. See I rob banks, I pull pranks; sometimes I eat franks and knishes. Best wishes, I’m vicious but here I am again like CNN, delivery my friend. Stick ‘em up punk, it’s the Fun Lovin’ Cup.*

Ffs, still 60 words short. Drat.

Me and Fast got the gats; we’re out to rob a bank. We got Steve outside and he’s carrying a full pack. Now everything’s cool and everthing’s schmoove. I walked up to the teller, I gave her the letter; she gave me the loot with puckered up lips and a wink that I found cute, and I said, “baby, baby, baby”. Oh, they don’t say it in this one. But word count.

*If fun for you is watching your team mine a draw from a game when winning 17-0 would be much easier.

Prediction: When the police guys investigate all these robbed banks, Steve is going down for time. Why can’t Steve have a nickname like ‘Fast’? Rookie mistake imho. 0-0 United.

 (@Benglorious)

Jose has a lot to do to change United’s fortunes after suffering his eighty-ninth consecutive defeat earlier in the week. Another forty defeats or so and he may have to seriously start worrying about his job, particularly as David Moyes has won more games than him and is also available without a notice period as he is the literal worst at contact negotiations (see: Rooney, Wayne).

Prediction: Pogba to score one goal for every pound we paid for him. Rooney to eat one pound for every minute he’s been alive. Winner takes all. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Thank fuck Giggsy didn’t get the Swansea job (although it does mean we’ll miss out on hours of ‘will he celebrate if he wins’….swings and a roundabouts innit) Lose today and we’ll equal our worst ever start to a PL campaign unless there’s been a worse one. Should’ve given Moyes more time imho. Swansea is in Wales. I am doing short sentences this week.

X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

Not as bad as everyone said but still pretty bad. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: will to live, fading. Another goal-fest for United, 0-0 Nasri for Rooney. Please.

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 (@ttackattackattack)

Gee whizz that Tom and Benno are carrying this site. I must remember to thank them.

Prediction: 0-0 United, some poor excuse about a promotion keeping me from doing anything ever. Very much looking forward to this blockbuster sequel. Hope they make Tchaikovsky proud.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Fantastic scenes as I probably won’t be watching the match due to me going to Mexico to catch the Zika virus. May still be able to watch it with a tiny head, but scientists are unclear at this point in time.

Opposition Summary: The yellow fever mosquito (Aedes Aegypti) can be recognized by white markings on its legs and a marking in the form of a lyre on the upper surface of the thorax. The mosquito originated in Africa but is now found in tropical and subtropical regions throughout the world. Aedes Aegypti is a vector for transmitting several tropical fevers. Only the female bites for blood, which she needs to mature her eggs. She can fuck right off.

Prediction: Two weeks of paranoia about any flying insect and everything tasting of bug spray. That aside, pretty good. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

With almost innumerable column inches being written over United’s latest debacle, it seems that even for bifurcated, the silliness is over, the time for jokes long gone. With a manager so inept he is only outshone by his employer, the idea of the club in crisis is becoming a reality with seemingly no-one available to comment or arrest the slide – lose today and all chances of a trophy this season are effectively over. On the off chance he’s reading, here are 4 things Louis can do IMMEDIATELY to save our season:

1. Any old iron – Put piles of scrap iron all round OT; hopefully their light-fingered fans will purloin said items and scarper, leaving less support for their team.

2. Roll out some barrels – according to cockney law, any player in West Ham colours will have to stop playing and deal with said barrels

3. Do a Lambeth walk – If all our fans adopt this strange custom en route to OT, the Irons might think they’re still in London and hurry to the train to make KO

4. Hold Chas N Dave to ransom

The Terminator (1984)

Written and Directed by James Cameron, this is so much better than all the others (T2 excluded) that I’m genuinely embarrassed for the losers who made the last one. ‘Would you go in back in time and kill Hitler?’ but in this case Hitler is good and a woman and a waitress and its the time-traveller who is bad and also a robot with skin over it and the answer is ‘yes’. I think Futurama did it. Anyway, bad robot comes back to kill good waitress and her future which is mother of the new Jesus. All makes sense, Arnie is a beast and Michael Biehn rules all as Reese. I’m glad they destroyed this movie with the new one. Fucking clown shoes.

Prediction: Benno to get the Zuko virus (it mutates to create small-headed 50s greasers) and us all to laugh. Numerous clips to be shown of Di Canio doing (the) Barthez. Nice atmos altogether really. LvG to finally crack and just start doing lines off his arm. 1-1, Rooney brace.

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 Brett(@tack@tack@tack)

Brett’s account of Friday night:

[FOOTAGE NOT FOUND]

There was something I wanted to tell Benno before he went away but I can’t remember for the life of me what it was. Can’t have been important…

Anyway, jokes on them towels, cos there is footage from Friday in the form of a drunken selfie, I don’t remember taking, but if I post it on here I will lose all respect and also my job. Lol @ respect.

Aedes Aegypti with a brace.

Prediction: 0-0 United, Nasri, Rooney, Danny, other tired jokes. Benno to get the Zako virus (comes back over ‘ere and takes all our jobs) and us all to laugh. That aside, pretty good.

Aaaah, I just remembered the thing I wanted to tell Benno … I used all his bug spray when I ran out of basil, when I was cooking his farewell tea at us “house” the other night. But it’s okay cos I refilled it with acid and piss and blood.

  Benno (@Benglorious)

Imagine if we’d got Mourinho instead of Moyes. Got that? Now imagine a giraffe, but with wheels and Quentin Tarantino’s face. Still with me? Now imagine a building so vast that it has its own capital city. What’s the name of that city? Nobody knows. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition summary: Manchester City are the best team in Manchester that we hate a little bit.

Prediction: So many goals up in this place they’ll have to rename it Goalchester. They probably won’t do that because of the hassle of changing all the road signs and having to think up a new word for ‘Madchester’. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words as El Capitan is downloading slower than Daley Blind.

If I email one of youse, can you copy and paste?

Derby isn’t even in Manchester.

Film review: Jurassic World [see Jurassic Park review, bifurcated_previews_United_vs_Chelsea_2017]

Prediction: 6-1 City. Lol. As if that could happen. Nasri for Rooney.

Please italicise the film titles – I am a professional. And also by email i mean this.

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 Brett (Alisha’s@ic)

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Like David and Goliath. Like chalk and cheese. Like night and day. Like light and shade. Like two sides of a coin.

Just a bit of information about me for you there: I like David and Goliath and chalk and cheese and nights and days and light and shade and both sides of all the coins.

It’s very rare that an anagram gets to play against itself, and disappointingly this pathetic half-arsed anagram is as close as we’re going to get. Embarrassing and sad, really. No surprise Manchester is red and/or blue, really.

Prediction: Danny with his cosmo copy tucked under his arm throughout. One of two things will happen in this game: I’ve narrowed it down, now you do the math. If it’s not one of those, you only have yourself to blame. 0-0 United.

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Dave signs a new contract after flirting with another team and the world goes nuts, yet Rooney scores fifty goals against San Marino and he’s a fraud. A fake footballer’s shirt is exhibited in a museum to show the dangers of becoming a parody of yourself and one person cares, yet a real footballer is used as a mule to carry cocaine diamonds from Colombia to London via Monaco and Manchester and the story isn’t even mentioned by the thirty journalists I told it to, even though it would perfectly explain why his legs don’t work properly anymore. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition summary:  Liverpool used to be the best, then they were nearly good. They also had a spell of being nearly bad, before a spirited re-emergence as one of the most nearly good teams in the Premiership League. Currently, they are fucking clown shoes.

Prediction:  Dave and Roonsquad to keep hogging the headlines by somehow locking each other in the toilets. Because of this, Marcy Arl will have to make his day bew both up front and in goal simultaneously. Even with the dynamic cutting edge of Balotelli fed by the genius of Gerrard, Liverpool will not be able to beat the universe’s most expensive teenager, who will then justify his fee by scoring all the goals ever. 0-0 United.

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

United v Liverpool still remains the yardstick by which all football is judged; last year (March 2015), over 16000 million people watched the game, in over 3000 countries – Barca v R Madrid (hereafter known as ‘El Scum’) could only manage 17. And they were all in Spain. Why is it called a ‘train’ of thought?

Have decided to review some films instead:

The Game (Michael Douglas, Sean Penn)

Not a traditional game so the title was misleading, little disappointed in the lie. That aside, pretty good.

Day Watch/Night Watch (Konstantin Khabensky)

Really, really weird. Like when Homer remembers watching Twin Peaks but nothing like that. Literally no idea. That aside, pretty good.

Pineapple Express (Seth Rogen, James Franco)

Danny McBride teaches you how to be more aerodynamic when you fight (spoiler: its shaving your armpits) and also kills someone with a Daewoo Lanos. Has Seth Rogen in it. That aside, pretty good.

The Piano (Holly Hunter, Anna Paquin, Harvey Keitel)

Despite the well-deserved acclaim for Schlinder’s List, if it had been any other year, we’d almost certainly be talking about Jane Campion’s film as Best Picture winner in ’94. Campion’s story – Ada (Hunter), a 19th Century Scottish woman who communicates solely through her piano, travels to New Zealand for an arranged marriage, only to fall under the spell of an illiterate, tattooed neighbour (Keitel) – has the quiet eroticism, passion and authenticity of a Victorian novel. Around this tragic story, Campion creates an almost otherworldly and surreal version of the past aided notably by Stuart Dryburgh’s cinematography and the very nature of her surroundings. That aside, pretty good.

Masterstroke signing Dave from ourselves to keep the net spend down. Probably. I’m not sure how it works

Prediction: I’m not sure who Liverpool are, despite what I said earlier. Nevertheless, we’re not very good and don’t seem able to score the required goals needed to win games. I think this works against us. 8-0 United, Gerrard for Nasri, Martial to score 12.

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  Brett (@tchooo)

I was sad to hear of the terrible passing of Stevie G last season. BOOM. One sentence. One great joke. Striker. Eat. It. These smaller sentences aren’t helping my stats. Idiot. Drat.

Liverpool F.C have a long tradition in being Liverpool F.C and a long history in the same thing. In this context history and tradition probably mean the same thing, so they’re just acting the big I am by having both. But they do have a long history and tradition in that too.

Vangle’s boys forgot to put the teaspoon back in the top of the dressing room when they put it back in the fridge and Michael ‘ Michael Carrick ‘ Carrick and Roonswipe made their feelings clear by driving around in their cars looking like they were doing complicated algebras in their heads. I’m sure Vangle really gives one.

Prediction: Danny with his cous cous salad on a bed of rocket. Mata to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, just so he could recreate it and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack. Or not. Up to him. Someone has to beat that little kid who submitted that one that was on the web the other day, where he’s kicked it from the wrong side of the goalbag. Idiot. A comfortable 0-0. 

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.