In other news: Skipper Roo finally silenced his critics with a display of such wanting-to-chainsaw-your-eyes-out-with-a-chainsaw-made-from-barbed-wire-so-you-can-never-suffer-watching-him-play-football-again depths. We all killed ourselves irl and that’s why we are silent, is the a joke. I’m writing this from beyond the grave. Tell my mum to feed the cat. And not the oily tuna. It plays havoc with her thyroid. Is another joke. I don’t even have a cat. Just riffing on the a joke super highway in the sky with diamonds.

Here’s five things we learned from sixfields … SICKfields, when Rashford is playing. AMIRITE?!:

1. We can easily win every game if we get to shoot at an open goal from a yard out all the time.

2) Rooney. Get rid.

3. Thought Wayne looked like his old self. By which I mean him at 70.

4. Rashford is the lifeblood of Manchester United’s blood.

5. Herrera Rocher is really spoiling us.

6. Lol @ 5.

7. ffs I meant 3. 5 is bad.

8. Yeah. Thought I’d save it for a tweet but fuck it I’m a maverick.

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 FBA-Nominated Maverick (@Benglorious)

The last time we played Northampton we actually had good players who were proven goalscorers for United – Diego Forlan and Mikaël Silvestre both netted that day. Those were the good times. Nowadays, we’re not even sure we can beat a team that is five hundred places below us in the league even though we’ve literally spent all the money on all the players and all the managers. Glory Glory Man United.

Prediction: JoMo to cease to exist because people stop talking about him. No-Marcus Gashfraud to hate the silencers by scoring a reverse-backheel. Pogba to score a hat-trick of doubt. 5-4 Northampton.

 FBA-Nominated Hammerlegend (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t know where Northampton is and I’m pretty sure I’ve driven through it more than twelve times.

What was always going to be a ‘let’s hope United slip up’ kinda game, I think the additional presence of a UN Peacekeeping force – in case any stray comments hurt one of our players – will raise the spectacle level by 2. Making it a 3. And as anyone who knows numbers will tell you, 3 is a magic number. Yes it is, it’s the magic number; somewhere in this hip-hop soul community, was born 3, Mase Dove and Me and that’s the magic number. What does it all mean? My analysis: Everybody wants to be a DJ, everybody wants to be an MC.

Prediction: Being Speakers are the best. Cease and Desist order from De La Soul’s legal representation, Pogba triple hat-trick to silence the haters, scientific proof that Rash actually is the second coming. 1-0, United.

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 FBI-Most Wanted (@ttackattackattack)

I am joining a monastery and hereby relinquish all sites and awards to Tom and Benno, the real heroes. Is something I would never say. I don’t even like monsters. Or Tom. Or Benno. Or either of them tbh. But, if I had to pick just one to like, forever, then I would have to say Joshua Tree.

Northampton, Northampton, Northampton. Hey?! What can be said about Northampton that hasn’t been already said: backwards sounds like a Danish baddy Transformer from the past and present future BC. Check if anyone has said that. Then, tell me who’s the baddest MF.

Prediction: RashforDeeply Depay bout the curves you got. Deeply hot; hot for the curves you got. Ohhhh Me-emphis… You can use that Benno. Just came to me. Use it. Or you’re fired. Scum. Pogba to triple the haters with a silent-trick. 0-0 United.