Hiding from the CIA in a CIA agent’s house.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Got to be honest, have no idea how this fixture exists – I mean he was ok in Cheers and admittedly brilliant as Frasier but 90 mins against a rejuvenated United? Can’t see it.

Prediction: due to decimating injuries, 84-0 to United, De Gea scoring all goals with his face as we show that pompous psychiatrist how we do things this side of the pond. It’s not a pond, I’ve just checked. Stupid comparison tbh; most ponds are loads smaller.

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  Benno (@Benglorious)

I got some comments the other day from a keen follower of ours called Robert Faghips (name has been changed to protect his identity) commending us on our comedic content.  Cheers, Boobs, we do it for the fans like you.  One day, you could be just as funny as us and be writing for the best Manchester United website-run-by-three-people-who-probably-shouldn’t-be allowed-to-have-access-to-the-internet in the world.  THE WHOLE WORLD, BOB!  That’s the biggest place on Earth.  Work hard, Robson!!

Even though Vangle’s boys have won something like eighty games in a row, today’s opponents are top of the league on goal difference.  Or points difference.  Or a different difference.  I guess we’ll never know.  Chelsea players to watch out for are:  A. Bun, A. Pensioner and Bill Clinton’s daughter.

Prediction:  The injury curse is well and truly back, with United having no fewer than seventeen players missing today with various maladies.  Vangle will have no choice but to call in some favours, and his 1995 Ajax team will travel through time to provide the back-up for Rooney, who’ll still have to drop into a deeper midfield role.  There’ll be early goals for Litmanen and Kluivert, and Rooney himself will seal the unlikely victory with a penalty after Seedorf is scythed down in the box by Courtois.  1-0 Chelsea.

WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW?

Gabriel Obertan

Hiding from the CIA in a CIA agent’s house.

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 Brett (@AtLeastMyCellmateIsGentle)

Its become clear to me in recent weeks that Tom and Benno are not only the best thing to happen to Bifurcated, but also the world, for ruddy ages. Please reward them both with jockey gold (as documented in the now classic Furious D Simpsons) and please know that I only implicated them during my arrest because I was scared.  I was not framed by them and I’m really looking forward to seeing that my family are all unharmed.

The guards are treating me well and in my confinement I’ve come to regret all the murders I did – “Sorry”.

Benno (@Benglorious)

After Saturday’s resounding victory over the Manchester United of Newcastle, tonight sees Vangle’s boys take on their lesser-known neighbours, the FC United of Manchester of Newcastle: Newcastle.

FC United of Newcastle have struggled for the last couple of games ever since Kevin Keegan stopped being their manager all those years ago. The current incummerbund is John Carver.  He’s not fooling anyone with that name though, as anyone with at least one eye can see that he’s just a fat Joey Barton.

His team are known as the ‘Mags’ due to their dislike of metal spokes on their BMX’s.  Will anyone get that?  Has that ever bothered me before?  The most likely response to both of those questions is ‘no’, but I don’t think we’ll ever know the real answers.

Newcastle players to look out for tonight include Kevin Kilbane, Fabricio Colonoscopy and Sting.

Prediction:  Vangle will complete his dominance over the top-right bit of England tonight, finally proving that he is the best manager in the entire history of the Premiership League.  Even Alan Shearer and Jackie Milburn coming back from the dead Roy-of-the-Rovers-style and scoring two each wouldn’t be enough to stop the unstoppable Red (with some white trim and white shorts and black socks) Army tonight.  Roonsquad will continue his recent burst of goals with a hat-trick, the much-maligned Falcao will become much-aligned with a brace of his own and the third goal will be scored by someone who can do maths.  1-0 Newcastle.

Once Anders had convinced me that he really did play for United, I was only too happy to immortalise him as I’m running really low on players.  He told me his favourite things were jive dancing, talking jive and Jive Bunny:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Tom doesn’t believe in Newcastle.

Update:  He thinks he may be wrong as they do seem to be a thing – he’s watching them on his telly right now.  The Jonas brothers are playing.

Prediction:  Tom’s sheltered world to come crashing down around his ears only for his behemoth shoulders to come to his rescue and protect his tiny sparrow hips.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Was so great to see the woven mauven haired wonder, Capper Roon, hitting top form at the weekend, with a couple of onion-bag busting crackeroos to really get the end of season party started in super-sized milkshaking-to-the-yarding style! Time and time again Skipperoo lights the touch paper on the furnace of our imagination at the business end of the season*, single-handedly skulduggering us to trophy after trophy, and it looks like this season will be no different to the rest!! #GGMROO more like..!

If I were Newcastle I’d be sitting this one out and taking the Pools Panel 0-3 loss…

BUT** … it appears Boss Roonski might just have his work cut out this Wednesday night, as the Newcastle line-up, according to my m8 Paul from Newcastle, is full of modern day super-heroes, and they’re managed by one too: Johnman Carverman. That’s funny cos all Newcastlers say ‘man’ after everything they say, like Timman Krulman, Darylman Janmaatman, Gabrielman Obertanman, Siemman deman Jongman. For example. But in theory much funnier. And less racist.

*why is it called the ‘business end’ of the season when all the buying and selling happens at the other, exact opposite end, and in the middle? It’s the least businessy bit of the whole thing tbh. It’s no wonder football dies in the autumn of 2016.

** I like these and I can not lie.

Prediction: 0-0.