Ben (Benglorious):

What a week, eh?  Finally got confirmation about my new flat and also going to save one whole pence off every pint I don’t buy.  Oh, and United somehow remembered that they were United and well and truly spanked those Greeks to earn a clash against some no-mark German team in the next round of the Champions League.

Today we visit Upton Park, named after Billy Joel’s classic 80’s hit Tell Her about It.  The ‘ammers have been in fine form this season under Sam Allardyce’s shrewd stewardship, banging in goals left, right, up, down and diagonally, whilst barely concedi… Sorry.  Can’t keep that up.  They’re one of those teams that aren’t really worth writing or caring about, even though they are the closest Premiership team to where I live.  Apart from Norwich.  The only notable thing abut them is that they play in Villa’s kit, probably because some Cockney nutjob back in the day stole a job lot whilst waving about a shoo’er, guv.

Key players to watch out for are Jürgen Klinsmann,  Franz Beckenbauer and Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, although that may be West Germany I’m thinking of.  I don’t really care.  I think I mentioned the not caring before, you’ll have to read back and check as I can’t be bothered.

Prediction:  “Demis Roussos… Prince Philip… Poseidon… Socrates (the Greek one)… You boys tooka helluva beating!”  was the main part of my phone call to my local taverna after Wednesday night’s match, which wasn’t taken in the humour it was intended as the restaurant is actually owned by Clive from Southend.  Anyway, still buoyant from our final victory in Europe this season, I’m in a double, super-positive mood even with the loss of Robin for a few weeks.  Moyes will have the chance to try out a new forward line, so I’m seeing a goal a piece for Adnan and Danny, with Mata chipping in (literally) a third, all whilst Rooney bangs in the greatest hat-trick the world has ever seen.  The Irons won’t know what’s f*cking hit ‘em!!  1-0 West Ham.

About the author:  I really DO know @tom_mcghee in real life.  Yes, he really IS a massive b*ll.

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Brett:

I could take a loss at this point – abject disappointment has become a good friend of mine over the course of the season *abject disappointment whispers ‘I hate you’* – if it meant we didn’t have to sit through the physical embodiment of banter that is Kevin Nolan’s goal celebration sponsored by #LADS.

I’m a goal celebration lover make no mistake, cut me and I bleed knee-slides: Goal Celebrations, United, Wife, Kids – in that order. But that one … oh, and the golf swing one. Come to think of it, the pointing at the name on the shirt is a bit meh these days. The baby cradling’s had its day – when Bebeto did it. And while we’re here those alleged racist ones are a bit very racist for my liking. Almost forgot about the pointing upwards one; I know where the sky is, thanks all the same. Lifting up your shirt to reveal a ‘Keep Calm…’ message; sorry Berba. That Robbie Keane one. That one Chandler off of Friends did that time. The punch in the eyes that is the Daniel Sturridge thing. Not to mention the myriad affected ones. And how could we forget the one I got my team to do as a protest against fox hunting, where we played out a whole scene, with the fox emerging victorious. Actually, that one was pretty good. Are there any celebrations left?

You think you know yourself.

Prediction: 2 – 3. Danny with his customary two (nice to have that back, like a warm hug). *A meat gag on account of the name Ham, with the punchline the stakes are too high (but steaks cos of the written/spoken thing)*

One more time with feeling…

I wonder if the same people behind the Premier League conspiracy, are in cohorts with the ones behind the Champions’ League one? Is it the same people?

One thing’s for sure: Shinji Kagawa is officially wasted on David Moyes. How much skill and amazingnessness does a player have to have? We owe it to Kags to re-visit the #FreeShinji campaign; get some funding through a kickstarter or from an appropriate body, and work towards a better future for our most talented asset … before it’s too late! Right, I came up with the idea to re-visit it, if you lot want to get on with that…

I’ve heard the ‘worst performance ever’ opinions from people rearding this game, but I don’t even think it’s our worst performance this month. And I’ve seen loads worse under Fergie. I get that context makes it feel worse, but I genuinely didn’t really feel like it was all that bad. We controlled the game in the first-half, until a split-second’s wonderful improvisation got them a goal. Then, understandably, we became nervous.

The main issue for me was how we (all of us) arrogantly underestimated Olympiacos. I barely get to watch United games, let alone Greece domestic league matches, so that was all yous jobs…

I texted Bifurcated David at the end of the match and asked: when does it get better? xxx

He replied: never ever

I know what you’re thinking: no kisses! Right! I mean, would it hurt to show me a little bit of affection every now and again?!

It’s all part of the rich narrative that ends in Champions’ League glory.

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Ben (Benglorious):

olimpyacos

olympiacos

oleempeeyakkos

olimpiakos

olimpiakos man united

olympiacos champions league

olympiyakos football

olimpeackos fixtures

how do you spell olimpiakos

[phone rings: *sighs* Yes, Mother?……  Well who else always bloody calls me when I’m doing my words?……  Sorry for snapping, the computer’s playing up……  It ISN’T the Google?!  FFS.  Well how do you…….  O……  L……  Y……  M……  P……  I……  A……  C…… What do you mean “or ‘K'”, that’s fu……  Sorry, Mum.  Please continue……  O……  S.  Yes, I’ve bloody written it down……  Yep, sorry……  Ooh, before you go, do you know anything about Greek f?……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  MUM!  I was gonna say “FOOTBALL”.  No son needs to hear that……  I’m sure it is painful to start with……  I don’t care, I can’t get that out of my head now……  I’m hanging up.]

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Prediction:  I…  I just…  I don’t care any more.

About the author:  I need the number of a therapist or a mad scientist to erase a couple of things from my brainbox.

Brett:

Hey! Did I tell you about the time I was in a greek restaurant with Midge Ure off of Ultravox and couldn’t make head nor tail of the menu on account of it being in a different language? I was really struggling, and was about to make this clear to my fellow diner, when I noticed a familiar item amongst the sweets … “This means nothing to me … Oh, Viennetta!”*

*Ben Young, if you’re reading this: I don’t want to fight about this again. Though it’s true, the bones of that joke were yours, I was the one who polished it up a bit and made it fit for consumption … but I’m finally willing to be the bigger man and share ownership. What do you reckon? While you’re here … I’m really sorry we haven’t spoken for (what is it now?) twelve years?! You really were a good friend – my best friend back then – when I was at college. I had trouble fitting in, but you saw through the shy, awkward facade and extended the hand of friendship to me, when I needed it most. I miss you very much. That day I came to London was such an exciting time: you at Goldsmiths, showing off; me, suitably impressed. Then, that night, when you told me you loved me and wanted to be more than friends. It took me by surprise, and though you said you understood my reasons as to why we could not be lovers, you never answered any calls from me from then on; you disappeared from my life entirely, and that really hurt. I haven’t seen or heard from you since. I hope you’re okay and have found happiness in your life. If upon reading this, you could appear from behind me looking all betrayed, and stab me, so as to complete the greek tragedy thing I’m doing, then that would be much appreciaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa etc…

Prediction: Ben Young to come out from behind me, while I’m doing the greek tragedy thing, looking all betrayed, and stab me to death.