Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Ole said we can’t control results or outcomes. Someone should explain to him what the manager’s job is imho.

2. Was hoping Paul Pogba might decide it’s not so bad and be good. Damn my foolish hopes.

3. They have a player called Hojbjerg but it’s pronounced hoover. If his nickname isn’t J Edgar shut down the club.

4. What has happened to Marcus Rashford? This is more of a question than a learn but we can’t all be scientists all the time.

5. Painting a deck is more fun than this.

6. I agree with all the above, apart from points 1 to 6.

Here’s 5 things we learned as United continued on their voyage of discovering what it feels like to finish 6th in the Premier League table:

1. It is clear now from that one game that Paul Pogba is a consumate fraud and he is solely and entirely to blame for our current plight.

2. It is clear now from this one game that Jose Mourinho is a tactical genius and all previous criticisms are invalid as it is actually all Paul’s fault.

3. Martial is to blame but also not to blame it is important we argue over who is or isn’t to blame especially since it is obvious that it is only Paul Pogba who is to blame.

4. Obviously this is all nonsense just enjoy the 4 goals you weird point-scoring weirdos

5. Make me.

6. I made a fish pie

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. I learnt nothing. I actually unlearnt stuff I thought I knew ie what the fuck was that game?

2. Pogba was great second half. I feel like I should say this because I moan about him so much.

3. Making Lukaku a CB will be Jose’s last great illusion imho

4. Still laughing at the soup of the day gag

5. We deserve so many accolades for our writes

6. and for some of our lefts.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Plastic pitches get stitches

2. Heard the goals were good

3. Love that Shaman song

4. Love how that a Shaman joke never gets boring

5. Who asked you?

(@Benglorious)

I am on holiday so suck your disappointment right on its dick.

Prediction: Me to ruin my holiday for me (I’m obvs on holiday alone cos me) by constantly checking my phone to see what great a jokes Brett is tweeting tonight. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

What words? Are we playing tonight? On a Wednesday?? Make me. Seriously.

Prediction: I should be able to do some words when I get home but I maybe sitting in the sun instead. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

After Sunday’s clown shoes display against the second worst football team in the EPL, behind us, I will not be watching out of respect for the memory of goals.

If Mourinho is planning to drop some players, I would like to request ‘on their heads … and kick them in their heads repeatedly with some really hard shoes on like clogs while they are on the floor crying and begging for forgiveness’

Prediction: All 11 (eleven) players to play so abso terribly tonight that Jo Mo has no players to select for the FA Cup game against Tottenham “based on form”, so brings Luke Shaw, Anthony Martial, Paul Pogba, and Karel Poborsky out of retirement to play at the weekend, and we get battered. 0-0 United.

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Here’s 5 things we sjdhfkjsdahvcjksdjkbvjkdsbauibfewbacinjknlakwecnwamc:

1. Well done, City. We’ll try harder next season maybe.

2. Fuck City suck it you blue fucks.

3. We are terrible at football.

Prediction: Rashford to continue his rise to glory by scoring for the third successive game and dedicating it to Old Man Zlat. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Remember when Joey met Zlatan in France and he made that big nose gesture? Was really hoping today was the day Ibra was gonna murder him up real nice.  Think we can all agree that’s not going to happen and start looking at alternatives (I have been working on a Wild Wild wicky Wild West-esque giant mechanical spider but it’s early days yet, collateral damage would be catastrophic).

There is no film review this week as I have been just so much politics. Classic ruddy politics.

Prediction: Politics! Everywhere! Fierce opinions! Loud. Noises. 5-0 United, Keane to score a hat-trick of OGs  (own goals) which will transfer next season to AG (actual goals) when we re-sign him for 10 times what we sold him for which is just good business. Nasri with customary Brace after replacing Rooney (lol, remember him?)

m

 m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I apologise to our reader for being such a let-down after the two real heroes saved the day again…

If my game on FIFA ’17 last night is anything to go by, then we’re going to win 0-3, with Roondawg scoring two from the bench. Let’s just hope Bristol City turn up, and not Burnley. And that Burnley (Bristol City) have a broken controller that defaults right every time a player collects the ball, making it easy to win possession back. And that Burnley (Bristol City) have never played FIFA ’17 before. And that Burnley (Bristol City) are drunk. And it’s 3am in the morning. And Burnley’s (Bristol City’s) girlfriend is giving them a hard time for not socialising at the house party, and instead playing FIFA ’17 with the old bald guy with no friends in the corner.

Prediction: An attacking performance of the like that no human eye has witnessed since eyes began; free from the shackles of Zlatan’s tyrannical reign of terror. 0-0 United.