The 5 most comprehensive learns you’ll ever learn:

Whatevs) didn’t see it.

Trevs) me neither. I like the idea of winning though.

Jinxevs) same.

  Benno (@Benglorious)

Imagine if we’d got Mourinho instead of Moyes. Got that? Now imagine a giraffe, but with wheels and Quentin Tarantino’s face. Still with me? Now imagine a building so vast that it has its own capital city. What’s the name of that city? Nobody knows. I’ve forgotten my point.

m

Opposition summary: Manchester City are the best team in Manchester that we hate a little bit.

Prediction: So many goals up in this place they’ll have to rename it Goalchester. They probably won’t do that because of the hassle of changing all the road signs and having to think up a new word for ‘Madchester’. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words as El Capitan is downloading slower than Daley Blind.

If I email one of youse, can you copy and paste?

Derby isn’t even in Manchester.

Film review: Jurassic World [see Jurassic Park review, bifurcated_previews_United_vs_Chelsea_2017]

Prediction: 6-1 City. Lol. As if that could happen. Nasri for Rooney.

Please italicise the film titles – I am a professional. And also by email i mean this.

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 Brett (Alisha’s@ic)

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Like David and Goliath. Like chalk and cheese. Like night and day. Like light and shade. Like two sides of a coin.

Just a bit of information about me for you there: I like David and Goliath and chalk and cheese and nights and days and light and shade and both sides of all the coins.

It’s very rare that an anagram gets to play against itself, and disappointingly this pathetic half-arsed anagram is as close as we’re going to get. Embarrassing and sad, really. No surprise Manchester is red and/or blue, really.

Prediction: Danny with his cosmo copy tucked under his arm throughout. One of two things will happen in this game: I’ve narrowed it down, now you do the math. If it’s not one of those, you only have yourself to blame. 0-0 United.

Thought for the day:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Something about football, lazy joke, Optimus Prime reference, obscure Mos Eisley reference, peas and carrots peas and carrots

My preview (if poss, no computer here innit)

Lemon Cristal *****

Moonshine *****

Tangerine Dream ***

Super Polm ****

Lemon Haze Iso *****

Weed reviews go first, stupid data package f*cking it up in the running order don’t add this bit you chinless goon

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Benno (@Benglorious)

Today is the biggest game in the Premiership League involving two teams that both have ‘Manchester’ as part of their name.  United are the ones who play in the bright brown shirts and there is also the other team.  Both of them have lots of money but one team has more of a certain type of money but they can’t spend that certain type of money because there’s rules about spending too much of that certain type of money because other teams don’t have as much of that certain type of money to spend as much of.  It’s all very clear-cut.

Prediction:  Vangle must be quietly confident going into today’s derby, especially coming off the back of so many wins that I’ve lost count.  Three, I think.  City have lost something like fourteen games in a row so Pellegrini must be feeling the opposite – loudly fearful.  His players will pick up on these concerns as they are shouted to them on the pitch amidst racking sobs.  Whilst they’re distracted by this, United will take advantage and strike.  A goal for Roondog after the first mistake from Hart in his entire career will be swiftly followed by yet another Herrera goal.  City try and rally for the second half, but the referee has no choice but to book the entire squad for illegal use of cars.  In the ensuing chaos, Di Maria will knock in the third goal after a mesmerising dribble/dummy/feint/shimmy/lollipop/castanet/blancmange combo.  1-0 Manchester City.

WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW?

Juan Sebastián Verón

Pooping.

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Brett (@StillInPrisonAwaitingAVisitFromTheTwoWhoGrassedMeUp)

We still have no idea where Brett is.

If Moyes was trying to upset me, then he was going about it in exactly the right way in attempting to replace Carrick with Tony in the opening ten minutes. Carrick was injured, so potentially needed replacing – I get that – but why not bring on Fletcher? In readying Tony, Moyes gave one of the clearest indications yet of how helpless he feels. The other team have scored a goal in the opening minute, so let’s throw our gameplan out the window.

Positives (sort of, not really): Fellaini’s impression of himself was incredible – a real tour de force! That’s it.

At least we don’t have to face the embarrassment of playing anyone like say the European Champions any time soon.

Ben (Benglorious):

For starters, why are they called ‘City’?  They don’t have a cathedral as far as I can remember, just a stadium that nobody can spell the name of.  Regardless of their glaring misnomer, they’re still a team to fear:  literally banging in more goals than West Ham and with far fewer defensive lapses than Arsenal.

I remember when City were just another team to demolish twice a season, but then Steve Lomas struck oil near the centre spot of Maine Road, or whatever, leading to untold riches which lead to the aforementioned new stadium which lead to them hiring 71 of the best managers in the world which lead to them signing 836 of the best players in the world which lead to them winning the Premiership more times than Liverpool.  Needless to say, they’re now an exceptional team and as Kim Kardashian famously ranted, “I’d love it if we beat them.  Love it.”

Players to watch out for tonight include Jar-Jar Binks, who’s been deadly from dead ball situations even if his Galactic Senate diplomatic skills have been a bit naive; Nien Nunb, who’s looked a different class since he transferred from Arsenal; and Two’s Kompany, who is everything you’d want in a defender, coupled with hilarious pre-watershed sexual tension.

Prediction:  Keeping the positive vibe going tonight, even with the loss of Robin.  Danny will take over his mantel with aplomb, bagging at least two; Wayne will score from 67 yards this time and Mata and Kagawa will combine so sublimely over the 90 minutes that Joe “The Hitman” Hart will announce his immediate retirement from all forms of football at halftime.  1-0 City.

Accidentally pasted the following into my article, and decided to leave it in for some free advertising.  It should reach at least one more person than I texted, exponentially increasing my chances:

Mum’s got 3 sewing machines going free to a good home if you’re interested.  They are as follows:
New Home 531
Brother XR-6600
Toyota 4071
Let me know if you or anyone you know wants one.

About the author:  I have no idea why Mum would have 3 spare sewing machines.

Update:  All three machines have now been bagsied.  I’m leaving the advert in because it looks like I’ve written more.

Brett:

Posted without comment: That doesn’t count. It doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Doesn’t. Does. Fine…

Untitled (Danny): WHAT?! That’s not a title. Tisn’t. Tisn’t Tisn’t. Tisn’t. Tisn’t. Tisn’t Tisn’t. Tisn’t.Tisn’t. Tisn’t Tisn’t. Tisn’t.Tisn’t. Tisn’t Tisn’t. Tisn’t. Tis. Fine…

*no comment*: What now? Leave me alone…

p.s.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

4-3. 6-1. Michael Owen. There is literally NOTHING good about Derby Day. A single game whose outcome will be appropriated by the fans and used as denouement to all football related arguments for the rest of the season. Luckily though, this season we’ve all been given a chance to break the cycle – GTA V is out. Since I know you all admire me for my honesty (charm/rugged handsomeness/virility), whilst I’m writing this and trying to string together you can steal a submarine! coherent sentences, all I’m thinking of is busting Lamborghini’s and burning Meth Labs.

Still, that’s not why you’re reading (I’m guessing abject loneliness/self-loathing) so I should at least mention the football. I imagine both new managers will be more eager to not lose than win and just get this first one done and out the way, although once again, this can’t be clarifed as neither has had the courtesy to return my calls. Just thought of a way to get into the military base and get that helicopter. As an additional point, I think its also only fair to mention the tactical genius employed by Moyes this summer; whilst City have the added dilemma of bedding in new faces, Canny Ol’ Dave stole a march by only signing one he already knew – which makes Woodward’s previously unexplainable antics a masterstroke of media manipulation. And you thought it was gross incompetence….

Prediction: As for the result, we all know in our heart of hearts that these games can go either way, regardless of form, personnel or a midfield featuring Ashley Young, but I’m going to stick my neck out and say City 1, GTA 5. Apologies; City 1 United 2.

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Brett:

Where to start with this one?

.                                                             .                                                .                            Here will do. (Yeah, I know I did this “joke” in my last post-match thing (twice), but maybe you missed it?! All the best “jokes” are repeated endlessly, everyone knows that): Our new midfield are gonna turn the post match debate from “Yaya” to “Oh NaNa they di’int!” Yep. That’s you told.

I’m presuming Moyes will go with the same eleven as faced Leverkusen, ‘cept Kags will probably be replaced by someone much nowhere near as good. I’d be happy with that* *Apart from the bit where Kagawa is replaced by someone much nowhere near as good and the Wayne Rooney shaped bit, obvs.

Rooney’s favourite Manchester based club haven’t got off to the bestest of starts under Pellegrini, which is a real shame … but I expect them to turn up on Sunday – it’s the least they can do in between spending the fans hard-earned on all those fast cars and even faster buses. All eyes will no doubt be on James “The Handyman” Miller. Just don’t say his name five times in front of your bathroom mirror.

Really looking forward to this game. Though, having seen RVP get booked for a Leverkusen player throwing their arse at him, while they were still attached to it, it’s going to take something pretty special to top that.

I think it will be 0-1, so I’m going 2-3.

Prediction: 2-3. Danny with his customary two. RVP with a long overdue goal. Tony to continuing doing something. Rooney to swap shirts before the game.