Here’s 5 things we learned on the night we finally kissed goodbye to our quadruple dreams:

1. Fuck you city and fuck you pep we won you so hard

2. I didn’t think Tony M was very good and Lingard geno looks like someone who just happened to walk into the changing room once and nobody checked who he really was. That aside it was almost OK.

3. We should try to score more goals when we need to score more goals. This seems pretty basic learnz but I’m not sure anyone has told the team.

4. Ole is the only manager to have beaten Pep at the Etihad, twice. Let that sink in.

5. Lingard geno does look like someone who just happened to walk into the changing room once and nobody checked who he really was. They should check who he is.

6. The Mandalorian was great. Can’t believe they ate Salacious Crumb though

And … it’s still not clear whether we are bad at being good, or just really bad at being good:

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Bahahahahaha fuck off city

2. see 1

3. I too enjoyed the seasonal spanking

4. And the football

5. Bit of blue or the dads there

Tim Sherwood walked into the dressing room. Louis van Gaal’s reign had been a disaster, with United failing to make the Champions League, or even the Europa League. There had been an outcry among the papers, and, in their infinite wisdom, Ed Woodward and the Glazer family had decided a domestic manager was the best option.

Sherwood’s run at Aston Villa at the end of the 2014/15 season had been as successful as Van Gaal’s had been a disaster. Under him, Villa had played 16, won 13, lost three, and United fans had to endure the sight of Tom Cleverley lifting the FA Cup.

The Villains’ victory over the Red Devils at Old Trafford had been cited as the beginning of the end for the Dutchman. His side never recovered their lost confidence, and he had been ignominiously sacked, and taken over as David Moyes’ assistant at Real Sociedad.

Sherwood had engineered a simple-but-effective counter-attacking performance. That had lodged itself into Woodward’s mind, and the former Tottenham Hotspur man’s chummy bravado had won United’s Chief Executive’s affections.

“Right lads,” said Tim, “here’s the philosophy…” He had accompanied that much pilloried word with air quotes, of course. The dressing room erupted with laughter, as Tim grinned broadly.

“Show ‘em Les.” Les Ferdinand, standing by Sherwood’s side, dramatically flipped over a page of flip chart paper. On it was printed huge number “4”. “Four!” exclaimed Tim. Ferdinand flipped over another page. Another “4.” “Four!” yelled Sherwood, “say it with me lads…”

The players, led by Wayne Rooney, mostly joined in with a hearty “two!” as Ferdinand flipped another page to reveal exactly that.

There were cheers around the dressing room, as players who had been forced to adapt to a 3-5-2 system that clearly did not suit them were delighted to be freed from complex tactical thinking. Daley Blind and Michael Carrick looked a little put out, but in general the mood was buoyant.

“Tim Sherwood thinks you’re all great players,” said Tim Sherwood, speaking in the third person, as Tim Sherwood is wont to do.

“If you follow Tim Sherwood’s instructions, you’ll be just fine. First of all, you have to think like Tim Sherwood. Get it and give it. Run the channels. Passion. Lots and lots of that. It’s very important.”

“Who are we marking at corners, boss?” asked Rooney. “Call me Tim, Wazza. And call yourself Wayne Rooney, that’s very important too. Shows ‘em you mean business and know your stuff.”

“Wayne Rooney wants to know who he’s picking up at corners,” said Rooney, slowly, practising this new form of speech.

“Phil Jones is in charge of that. He’ll tell you,” replied the manager.

“Phil Jones will tell you!” yelled Jones, pumping his fist in triumph.

A few months later it was all over. After a great start, as excitement and passion carried United through, Sherwood’s tactical naivety was cruelly exposed. He was replaced by Pep Guardiola, in what was universally considered to be history’s oddest managerial succession.

Sherwood took over the reigns at Villa again, kept them from relegation, and was rewarded with the Chelsea job after Jose Mourinho left to take over at Bayern Munich.

Back to Reality

Of course, in reality, Sherwood is not the caricature painted above. His managerial career is fledgling, but he has had some success. Whilst his “win ratio” may have become a meme, he did reasonable work at Spurs, and is off to a decent start at Aston Villa.

However, he is a long way off proving himself at an elite level.

On Saturday, he will be hoping to engineer an upset against a Van Gaal side that, in reality, is in excellent form. That in itself is a long shot. The idea of him taking the hot seat at Old Trafford?

The odds on that would have to be second-to-none.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Worst. European. Game. Ever

Cowardly tactics, betraying the United tradition.

Stone-Age formation.

£300K a week for Rooney? Disgraceful gamesmanship.

Not that warm.

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Ben (Benglorious):

Best. European. Game. Ever!!!

The tactics were spot on, befitting our underdog status and getting us a tidy result.

Moyes’ formation choice was excellent, forcing the Germans out wide to be comfortably dealt with by Büttner and Jones.

Rooney was immense!! I’d pay him £300k A DAY purely for getting that plain-faced obersturmführer sent off.

It may have been a bit chilly at Old Trafford, but you could feel the heeeeeaaaTTTT from the atmosphere, even from home.

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Brett:

Like no one ever says: the best form of defence is defence. The site of Phil Jones chucking himself about like a child on the back fields was a beautiful thing. Even Buttner didn’t do too good, which is a massive improvement from him. Vidic was almost Vidic-y, and scored a quite magnificent Chicha. And we all know about Dave and his ability to rhyme with what he does bestest. Well. Done. All.* *Let’s pretend Rio didn’t play.

As for the rest of ‘em: they all played their part. Defending from the front, wing, Bayern’s area, and the bench. Still expect more from Rooney in these games, but maybe I should remember that I’d decided to start expecting less, so I could be happier with him. Fellaini didn’t do too good, which for him is a massive improvement.

Interestingly, as in not interesting at all, but you’re reading this, so I’m guessing by now you’re used to that on here: I was speaking to someone who loves Shinji Kagawa to bits, and yet hates Danny to smithereens. Imagine that. What a messed up individual. That’s like loving love, yet hating … no, that doesn’t work. Tis an oxymoron.

We are more powerful than they can possibly imagine … occasionally.

About the author: Someone asked me if my prediction in the last game was a true story … I enjoyed a very cordial conversation with everyone in my local, amongst friends, as I always do.

Ben (Benglorious):

Champions League quarter finals, eh?  Whodathunkit after the season we’ve had, eh?  Hang on…  Why are they called ‘quarter finals’ anyway?  Do the matches only last twenty-two and a half minutes or are we only allowed two and three-quarter players on the pitch?  I suppose nobody will ever know.

I did some research into our opponents, and it turns out that this is the first time we’ve ever played Bayern Munich.  We did beat a Bayern München in 1999 to complete some sort of historic ‘trouble’.  Actually, now that I think about it, I DID have a lot of trouble getting down Deansgate to work one day that year, due to thousands of people shouting at a bus.  Maybe the two things were related?  Again, nobody will ever know.

Players to watch out for tonight include the facially-scarred evil Gary Neville, or Gary N-evil; Stefefefefefan Effefefefefefenberg, the Swedish goal-machine, and; Dante, who’s taken time off from his scribblings about the human soul to become one of the world’s most coveted defenders.

Prediction:  Apparently, Shinji never lost a game against these guys whilst he played in Germany, so I’m expecting him to score at least two from his preferred position sitting behind David Moyes.  I’m also expecting Rooney to score from 77 yards tonight, cementing a comfortable, albeit unexpected win to cheer up all the United fans.  1-0 Bayern.

Mum’s got a LG 15″ LCD monitor up for grabs if you want it.  Let me know or it’s going to Oxfam.

About the author:  I lost my first draft of this, so actually used my prodigious memory for something other than rubbish jokes and movie quotes for the first time in 20 years.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I have to say, regardless of the history, the occasion, and despite being a personal fan, I have never rated Baron Munchausen. Although it has all the trademarks usually associated with Gilliam’s work – it looks voluptous, the pythonesque surrealism etc – there’s no real sense of proportion to the visual magnificence and narrative. Whereas Twelve Monkeys uses the surreal to propel and assist the story, Baron simply degenerates into a sprawling mess of over-blown ideas and narcissism. It’s a sad indictment of our season that come the quarter-finals of the Champions League, we’re discussing the life and works of Terry Gilliam rather than some top European football….

Anyway, that said, I do have some good news: earlier this week, whilst in the first class lounge awaiting another international flight to Miami,  I did have the good fortune to bump into a certain character popular amongst fans this season – what follows is the subsequent and very impromptu interview.

TM: What with SAF retiring, David Moyes tenure getting off to a less than auspiscious start and in relation to your own well-documented set-backs, what do you make of DM’s United career so far?

LZ: To be honest – and this is perhaps easier for me because I’m essentially a sentient machine with incredible power – it kinda reminds me of Starscream’s ill-fated stab at command after Megatron’s “death” after the Battle of Autobot City* ie Not the best.

TM: As a galactic warlord who is renowned for his ruthlessness (who can forget Nebulos?!), how would you address the current predicament?

LZ: In the old days, Megatron would just order Scorched Earth, annihilate everyone involved and start over with powerful incentive driven demands. However, given the binary bonding process that led to the ceation of Head/Target/Power Masters, I’d advise cutting your losses, bringing in Klopp and giving him in free rein to rebuild the team. But then I again, I support QPR! (laughs)

TM: Do you think we’ll be back in the frame next season?

LZ: No F*&%ing chance

TM: Messi or Ronaldo?

LZ: Ronaldo for me – Messi is like Optimus Prime; he’s awesome but he’s just such a boy scout its hard to like him – he just makes you feel worse about yourself. No, if I was a footballer, I’d be Ronaldo – powerful, fast, my own underwear collection and totally consumed by self-interest.

TM: Since the threat of Unicorn and your apparent ceasefire/self-sacrifice, has there been any definitive talks for a permanent peace?

LZ: Who writes these questions? (laughs) right – firstly, that whole spiel was done to sell shirts, nothing more; it was out of character, served no real purpose – I’m a machine, just rebuild me?! – and was handled with such an over-abundance of sentimentality it besmirched nearly everything else I’d achieved. Secondly – everyone’s always banging on about the Cybertronian Wars….put it this way: there’s ONLY Liverpool and United fans in existence. And you’ve got guns.

TM: And finally: Do you feel short-changed by the increasingly inept Transformers franchise?

LZ: Yes. Yes I do.

*Zarak went on to suggest that calling it a city, when it clearly only had about 12 inhabitants, was just one of the reasons the Autobots really grind his gears.

Just been told that interviewing Lord Zarak (aka Scorponok) doesn’t count as a thing and that it’s Bayern Munich we’re playing. Which does make more sense if I’m honest. If this were Transformers, Bayern would go 2-0 up, a leader would fall (Let’s say Rio. It’s for the best) and a young upstart (Welbz obvs) would seize the Creation Matrix enabling United to win 7-2. But this isnt Transformers. Despite the lack of coherence and shoddy animation.

Prediction: Man will eventually develop telekinesis

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Brett:

There’s no point in this opening paragraph. I genuinely do think Bayern are over-rated, though that looks really rubbish now as an opening bit, cos of what Tom said in his opening bit – thanks Tom, yeah, love you too. Didn’t think it was true what they* said about you, but now I’m coming round. I was going to say something about never telling anyone that and then I was going to go on to say that it’s because they’ll chuck ugly things at me like facts and reason and all that. But since the incident that I just mentioned what with Tom getting his opening bit in first I can’t be b

Whatever else is going on at United, getting this far in the Champions’ League should be seen as a wonderful opportunity for Bayern to rotate their squad, rest a few players, try out some set plays, that sort of thing – before things get serious for them in the next round.

A midfield of Giggs, Fellaini and Fletch would please me. Though in all honesty any midfield we pick could get the upper-hand over theirs, so long as they give us a 3,475 pass head start. Though taking into account our passing accuracy, better round that up to nearer 3,476.

As for Pep Guardiolaaaaaaaaah aaaah.Haha! Not again lads. You nearly had me there. Growing a team in his back garden is he? Using canes to prop the midfield up no doubt? Hey?! Don’t tell me he’s … Oh, that’s Gladioli. Anyway, Pep Guardiola. Nice one. You’ll have to get up a lot earlier on April Fools Day etc Haha!                                                      Ha.                                                                          Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Regardless of how well we won’t or really won’t play, I’m looking forward to participating in the experience and experiencing my participation in it.

Prediction: 1-1. The regulars to do an impression of me by putting on a Northern accent and ‘bigging up Danny’, when they think I’m not looking – though I’m secretly actually looking. Then to blank me when I try to join in any conversation, though I actually don’t want to even join in their rotten conversation. And then Mike’s teenage son to round the night off perfectly by looking at me with utter disdain, as I sit in the corner, alone. Oh, wait, that was every other week. Maybe tonight it will all be different…

*your family

Ha.