@Benglorious)

After the weekend’s disappointing game against Liverpool in the mediocrity of a competition that is the Premier League, tonight is a welcome return to the unrivalled magnificence of the UEFA Champions League European Cup Sponsored By Gazprom. Mourinho rested a good number of his squad ahead of this match, with many of them seen playing on their Sony Playstations or kicking back with an ice-cold Heineken, Pepsi, Pepsi Max or Gatorade as their team mates played out a stalemate with their Scouse neighbours in Saturday’s early kick-off.

Benfica will be an entirely different proposition tonight, especially with the amount of goals they’ve been leaking in Europe this season. If only their defence was as reliable as the new Nissan Qashqai, available on-the-road from £19,080. As long as United don’t get complacent, they should easily take another step towards the knockout stages of this, quite frankly, incredible tournament. Just incredible.

Prediction: Win, lose or draw, the real winner, loser or drawer tonight is football, as UEFA continue to raise the bar in terms of tournament organisation. They deserve a lot of credit, which Mastercard can provide with an introductory rate of 0%* APR for 21 months* on balance transfers and purchases*. Lukaku to reluctantly take the lightsaber from Rey who ends up killing him. OR DOES SHE? Let’s find out. 0-0 United.

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sent from my Sony Xperia XZ Premium

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Arsenal/Solidarity etc.

Prediction: Benno to be the worst Ben and I deffos typed this before Brett. Fans to cry regardless of result. 0-0 United. Or Benfica.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

We conducted 3 experiments under strict laboratory conditions to see which Ben was the bestest: Benfica, or our Benno.

Experiment number 1 – Filming a dog.

Conclusion: our Ben has filmed a dog more than Benfica.

Experiment number 2 – Living near Colchester.

Conclusion: our Ben lives nearer to Colchester than Benfica.

Experiment number 3 – No other interesting things.

Conclusion: our Ben has no other interesting things, Benfica probably does.

Summary: our Ben > Benfica

It’s not very often that you find a worse Ben than ours, but here we are…

Prediction: 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

With every player except Rashford out injured, this game should be a fucking doddle.

Prediction: JoMo to take PeeGee to coaching school, which is actually just called a school because synonymomical tautology innit, and we all know what a great player he was. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Pep. Unsure this qualified as a name, I did some digging and it turns out it’s short for Pepsi. Is he responsible for the very recent and well publicised Pepsi advert/catastrophe? That’s not for me to say. But if you were to ask me, yes, yes he is. The argument is only strengthened when you consider ‘Jose’ is just two letters away from Coke. And that Pepsi set fire to Michael Jackson’s hair (Pep is bald. Coincidence?)

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (2017)

Unreleased at time of writing (now). With hindsight, it was a poor choice. That aside etc.

Prediction: Top Red Mick Hucknall once sang ‘money’s too tight to mention’. So why did he? Ginger prick. Anyway, change ‘money’ to ‘the match is’ and ‘mention’ to ‘accurately call as both sides are pretty good/bad in equal measure’ and its exactly the same as that. 3-3 Nasri for Rooney

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(@bifurcated_utd)

So impressed was I by my colleague’s factotum conspiritorium, that I, myself, began to dig … and I, myself, found some juicy tidbits of mystery and intrigue that will shock the world of football to it’s damned core AND 150 words, done.

Suck on your accurate counting.

Prediction: Duggy-duggy-doo, dug-dug-dug doo. Duggy-duggy-doo, dug-dug-dug doo. Duggy-duggy-doo, dug-dug-dug doo. AND I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF COMING HOME TO YOU, EVEN IF I KNOW WE CAN’T MAKE IT!! Great times. 0-0 United.