(@tom_mcghee)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BSG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BSG vs Manchester United: This time it’s Battlestar

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (BSG)

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens

Mr. Hoshi:

Admiral, picking up enemy contact on Dradus

Adama:

Launch Nukes

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

END CREDITS

Prediction: We all thank our lucky stars the above was just fiction. 3-0 United, the Ghost of Sanchez to score all 4 (ghost goals count less)

m

(@Benglorious)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BFG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BFG vs Manchester United: Giant on Giant

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BIG FRIENDLY GIANT’S (BFG) HOUSE OR WHATEVER HE CALLS HOME PROBABLY A SWAMP OR A WEIRD TREE

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens which are probably mushrooms or something

BFG (to itself):

Boy, I sure do love to pick my nose.

Fungus the Bogeyman:

I think you’re confusing yourself with me. Don’t you steal kids or break shit?

BFG: Yeah probably, I haven’t read it.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

Prediction: The comeback to end all comebacks will not be televised. Something about squad average ages and injuries yawn yawn yawn. Evra to bite Neymar’s leg. 0-0 United.

M

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Our match day squad reads like a list of players who couldn’t get into the Manchester United Football Club end of season party, even after providing a valid ID, a letter from their parent, or guardian, and a recent gas bill. Which will make it all the more betterrer when we win handsomely.

Prediction: Geno will jizz myself to a death by cum bubbles, if we pull this off. Apologies to our younger readers for use of the term “pull this off”. Getting slightly aroused tbh. 0 – 0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learnt:

1) Free Kicks aren’t just for kicking the ball really hard at a line of naughty boys.

2) Mar Seal is like a machine shaped like a man who scores goals x heartbreaks to the power Denis Irwin.

3) After unsucessful loanings, Mar Seal will end up at Doncaster Town in 2018.

4) Counting requires regular practice.

Benno (@Benglorious)

By the time you two read this, I will be dead.

I don’t know what’s gone wrong here.  That worked so much better in my head with completely different words.

Anyway, Arsenal are the visitors tonight for this FA Cup match.  As this is the first time that United and Arsenal will have met in this competition, there’s no history to compare anything to unless you compare it to a completely different facet of history:  When our Neanderthal ancestors left Africa roughly 135,000 years ago, they adapted to the pathogens in their European environment, unlike modern humans who adapted toGONE!  By the time you two read this, I will be gone.  Gone to Jamaica.  That’s what it was supposed to be.  I’m in Jamaica right now is what I’m saying, and I’ll probably return the petty cash** when I get back from Jamaica, which is where I am.  Jamaica.  You’d both hate it here.  In Jamaica.

**Dependant upon exchange rates and the price of Bob Marley ashtrays.

Prediction:  Di Maria will finally discover that the reason he was playing so badly is that he was in my fantasy team this whole time.  He’ll then realise that the FA Cup doesn’t count towards the Fantasy Premiership League and this will set the doubts creeping back in again.  Vangle, sitting on his platinum throne atop a black onyx plinth in the exact centre of the dressing room, will notice all of this going through Angel’s mind and beckon him over with an almost imperceptible head movement.  After several minutes of deferential listening, Di Maria will stand up and the rest of the squad will notice the purpose in the set of his shoulders, the rekindled fire in his eyes and the urgency in his stride out to the pitch.  Vangle will allow himself a knowing smile before turning to Giggs and saying: “It begins”.  1-0 Arsenal.

This guy couldn’t be found for an interview, but several people have assured me that he is an actual United player.  I reckon his favourite things would include VO5 hot oil, the Citroen Picasso and apples:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

“Who says a jazz band can’t play dance music?
Who says a rock band can’t play funky?
Who says a funk band can’t play rock? Oh yeah
We’re gonna play some funk so loud
We’re gonna rock ‘n’ roll the crowd
Just watch them dance, watch them dance”

Louis Van Gaal, 9th March 2015

Prediction: What Benno and Brett said, but without the words. Jamaica is for jazz flutists. And the last time there was any magic in a cup it got Cedric Diggory killed and we all had to put up with R-Patz and Team Jacob. So think on.

.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

We learned this week that when Arsene Wenger holds a football boot up to his ear he hears United players celebrating from that game against Arsenal, when Giggsy scored that runny-runny-hard-kick-right-in-the-net goal.

Wenger was in sentimental mood as he later recalled the infamous wine bottle incident from his brief appearance in Big Brother 6:

“There are cameras everywhere, that means basically we are always spied on, from morning until night, and that is a little bit less freedom to go over the line sometimes.

Even if it is 10 years later or 15 years later, people will be less inclined to do it today because they think, ‘oh, for the rest of my life that could come out, so I won’t do it’.”

Anyway… kicky sport …

I didn’t see it and couldn’t be bothered to read anything about it either before forming a very unhelpful opinion about those disgraceful FA Cup scenes at Villa Park at the weekend. If someone’s going to empty a whole bag of space raiders* all over the pitch then they should be made to pick up every single last one of them, and none of the fans responsible should be allowed to go home until they have. Littering > Spitting.

I remember I did the ‘by the time you read this I will be dead’ joke, the first time I had a beer.

Prediction: The giant FA Cup, sponsored by magic, magical magician to magically lift the last giant magic paper cup with his giant magical hands to reveal he had magically hidden all the magical FA Cup, sponsored by magic, magical goals from the magical FA Cup, sponsored by magic, quarter finals at Old Trafford. 0-0.

*often referred to incorrectly as space ‘invaders’ by people. You had to be there.