Prediction: Rashford to continue his rise to glory by scoring for the third successive game and dedicating it to Old Man Zlat. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Remember when Joey met Zlatan in France and he made that big nose gesture? Was really hoping today was the day Ibra was gonna murder him up real nice.  Think we can all agree that’s not going to happen and start looking at alternatives (I have been working on a Wild Wild wicky Wild West-esque giant mechanical spider but it’s early days yet, collateral damage would be catastrophic).

There is no film review this week as I have been just so much politics. Classic ruddy politics.

Prediction: Politics! Everywhere! Fierce opinions! Loud. Noises. 5-0 United, Keane to score a hat-trick of OGs  (own goals) which will transfer next season to AG (actual goals) when we re-sign him for 10 times what we sold him for which is just good business. Nasri with customary Brace after replacing Rooney (lol, remember him?)

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 m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I apologise to our reader for being such a let-down after the two real heroes saved the day again…

If my game on FIFA ’17 last night is anything to go by, then we’re going to win 0-3, with Roondawg scoring two from the bench. Let’s just hope Bristol City turn up, and not Burnley. And that Burnley (Bristol City) have a broken controller that defaults right every time a player collects the ball, making it easy to win possession back. And that Burnley (Bristol City) have never played FIFA ’17 before. And that Burnley (Bristol City) are drunk. And it’s 3am in the morning. And Burnley’s (Bristol City’s) girlfriend is giving them a hard time for not socialising at the house party, and instead playing FIFA ’17 with the old bald guy with no friends in the corner.

Prediction: An attacking performance of the like that no human eye has witnessed since eyes began; free from the shackles of Zlatan’s tyrannical reign of terror. 0-0 United.

*Hilarious introduction* 

@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH

TM: Fuck off cunt

BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.

BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.

The 4th one: This is Paul.

@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

TM: See my previous response.

BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.

BU: No.

The 4th one: I will see you in court.

@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?

TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.

BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.

BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.

The 4th one: Oh my goodness.

@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?

TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.

BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.

BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.

The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.

@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?

TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.

BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.

BU: Yes.

The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?

@UtdRantcast  (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?

TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.

BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.

BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.

The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.

@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?

TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.

BG: *a different wanking joke*

BU: Lol @ “different joke”.

The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.

@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA

TM: This is just nonsense.

BG: I don’t do politics.

BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.

The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.

Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)

TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.

BG: Didn’t watch it.

BU: I’m dead.

The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.