(@Benglorious)

It’s been so long since the last football I’ve actually had to watch some normal telly instead. Here are my findings:

Project Runway All Stars

Smug Americans do a sew and also bitch about each other. Watchable, like Everton.

The Apprentice

Smug Brits do business studies GCSE and also bitch about each other. Watchable, like West Ham.

Planet Earth 2

Smug animals prance about a bit and also bitch about each other. Watchable, like Chelsea.

The Secret Life of 4 Year Olds

Smug kids say stupid shit and also bitch about each other. Watchable, like Spurs.

Gogglebox

Cunts watch other cunts on telly and talk like cunts. Watchable, like Liverpool.

Prediction: Goals for those players that score, no goals for those who don’t. What a game! 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Arsenal are a North London team who define their existence through Spurs. Once we beat them 8-2 and it was the best day ever because they were so humiliated. Ngl, that seems unlikely this time. Celebrity fans include Jan Hopis (self-bodying expert), Tristan Cross (Irony expert) and Kesh (upper class butler and cravat/deck shoes expert)

The Specialist (1994)

Former CIA demolition expert Raymond Quick (Stallone) works as a hitman in Miami. May Munro (Sharon Stone) contacts Ray to avenge her family’s murder at the hands of perennial underachiever, Arsene Wenger (turns out he didn’t kill them. He tried to; he had a clear run at them, it just went tits up). Yes, this whole bit is basically a ‘specialist in failure’ reference. That aside, awful – Truly truly awful.

Prediction: 8-2 United, the ghost of Danny Wheelbuck to score all 10 goals. Rooney to apologise.

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 (@ttackattackattack)

Basically I’m the one in Shakespeare’s Sister who just stood there in the videos looking manic and not contributing. Except no-one wants me to Stay (lol, only 90’s kids etc)

Prediction: My position to be usurped by the more handsome and virile duo of Benno and McGhee, god I wish I was them.