5 things learned:

1. Beating Liverpool is legit the best.

2. Second is Souness’ salty salty tears. Man forgot how to form sentences hahahahahaha

3. Rashford is better than the thing you like.

4. Poor old Jamie Carragher. Sad indictment of our nation when a grown man can no longer spit into a teenage girl’s face without reprisal. This is like the avocado thing all over again.

5. Crufts.

After all the pre-match hype, and all the talking up of the game before it happened, and all the big build up, Liverpool got the 0-0 thrashing they deserved.

Paul Pogba once again proved tha haterz have some valid points with regards to his relative value.

Ander Herethereandeverywhera more like.

Here’s 5 thingzies we learntalot:

1) Wish we could clone Rashford.

2) Wish we could do opposite to Rooney.

3) Herrera is twice the player Pogba is at a third of the price and two-thirds of his height.

4) Why aren’t people moaning about Liverpool? They had all that possession, they’re at home, and they had two shots … how is that our fault?

5) Benno is right about Pogba. Need an Adidas #ineffectual campaign imho.

6)Tony V’s right leg could destroy your entire family.

7) Knew I was great.

8) Glol at the little cunt who quote tweeted us.

9) mine fuhrer.

m

 FLC Nominated for crimes against fun/lols (@Benglorious)

Losttheirlustre City is the kind of joke you should always start with. Secondly, you should say something about Red Leicester even though they play in blue. Needs workshopping, that one. I’ll see if Brett manages to punch it up and then just steal it.

Coming off the back of the Northampton game is something you’d normally get arrested for, but not these pampered millionaires. Classic double standards in my harambe opinion. Disunirregardless of the quality of United’s legal team, the victory still counts so now we’re back on track for another treble. Leicester are the current holders of one of the trophies, but it can’t be one of the important ones because it’s Leicester innit.

Prediction: The only type of goal that Rashford hasn’t scored yet is a 40-yard screaming header, so put your house on him scoring at least one of those. Every two minutes. 6-0 United.

 FYC Nominated for driving us Craaaazy (@tom_mcghee)

Got to go to A&E chances are I won’t be back. So feel free to write mine.

Bridget Jones’ Baby 2016

The eponymous heroine of the cult trilogy returns for more glols than you can shake an ageing/dead-eyed Mr Darcy at. Who’s the Daddy? Is it him? Is it him? Guess we’ll never know, unless we stay till at least the end of the trailers next time. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Mourinho and Ranieri to get themselves into a hilarious scuffle, that sees them both end up in a water feature by a posh house and emerge ABSOLUTELY WET THROUGH!!!! Comedy gold. 12-0 United cos Rash. 0-12 Leicester cos Rooney.

m 

 F&F nominated best rainbow t-shirt *wink wink* (@ttackattackattack)

LIEcester more like. Cos ‘I’ before ‘E’, accept after ‘C’. And Lies. As in conspiracies. Have you ever noticed how you never see Leicester, the so called English Premier League Champions, and the English Premier League Trophy in the same dream about Gary Lineker’s tits?

Speaking of which: after Gary Lineker broke his promise of doing MOTD in his underwear by presenting in a giant’s handkerchief, Leicester have lost their lustre. Losttheirluster more like. That’s pretty good actually. Should have started with that tbh.

Prediction: Young Rash and his permanent purple patch: he shoots from every angle and indigo. That’s mine. You can’t use it without asking very nicely. 0-0 United. 

 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s Derby time again! That special match that only comes round three, sometimes four or five but no less than two, times a year unless it only happens once. The winners get to make Manchester either red or blue in a tradition that stretches back all the way to the ancient past of 1991. In the event of a draw, both teams get to raze Carlisle to the ground.

Prediction: Pep to be bald but this somehow leaves his managerial abilities unaffected. JoMo to surprise everyone with a surprise team selection that surprises everyone who hasn’t predicted it. Rashford to be life, to be loved and cherished till death do us part. 5-0 United.

 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Bahahahahahaha yeah I won’t be doing a preview innit. Just write some absolute bollocks and put my name on it. Avoid the 4th Reich stuff.

Suicide Squad (2016)

The soundtrack to this film must be at least 6 CD’s (it’s a music thing – look it up) worth of tunes, which the director obviously took great pleasure in shoehorning into every available scene purely because it made him look clever: “Look, they’re bad guys but you’re supposed to feel something for them, so let’s put Sympathy for the Devil in there.” “Harley Quinn is quite the free spirit, why not have her cavorting around with that You Don’t Own Me over the top?” “They’re weird people with powers? Easy – Super Freak.” “They’re doing horrible stuff for no reward? You’ll love this one – Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” “I’m now going to blow your tiny minds, people – Suicide is Painless but we get Blazin’ Squad to cover it. Get it? SUICIDE is painless, blazin’ SQUAD. Because the film’s called Suicide Squaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh why are you attacking me please sto   ”

Bad people do good things badly for good people who are also bad. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Aguero with his customary two haircuts. Goals for both teams or neither team or just one team or just the other team. Manchester is browny-grey. 6-6 United.

www.tom_and_the_4th_reich.co.uk

m 

 FBA-Nominated football blog writer Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Another dead rubber.

Expect United to field a second string side as they focus attention on the Football Cup and Eurovision finals respectively. So, an opportunity for the likes of Paul Pogba, Zlatan Abramovich and David de Gea – remember them??!! – to force their way in to Jose Mourinho’s thinking for those upcoming fixtures.

Tbf I think Antony Royle already razed Carlisle to the ground.

I don’t see colour.

Prediction: In order to foil City’s tactics, Jose undergoes a face-transplant surgery and assumes the identity and physical appearance of Pep, but the plan turns from bad to worse when Pep impersonates Jose. Pep, but Jose, says, “I don’t know what I hate wearing worse: your face or your body. I mean I enjoy *boning* your team, but let’s face it, we both like it better the other way, yes? So why don’t we trade back?” Jose, but Pep, replies, “You can’t give back what you’ve taken from me.” Pep, but Jose, replies, “OK, then… plan B, why don’t we just kill each other? *HashtagFightScenes* Jose, but Pep, wins and continues to manage United for a bit. But it’s actually Pep innit, but Jose. 0-0 United.

*That’s funny cos the middle bit where it says ‘Week Uno’ is in white, so you can’t see what it says. What it says, I guess we’ll never know.

This isn’t just a lazy/crass cut and paste of our “best” Twitter bits…

It is. Bite us.

“I despaired when Brett, who shall remain nameless, said we had to do this review, but that was only until I realised how little effort was required. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A perfect summer blockbuster!! Would read again.” – B. Glorious, LA Times

“Can’t believe that Brett, who shall remain nameless, didn’t even take the time to embed the tweets in the hope of maximising our #numbers, thus clinching that big money sponsorship from a bookmaker’s that every internetter craves. That aside, pretty good.” – T. McGhee, Exchange & Mart

“You’re all fucking idiots.” – P. R. Antcast, Guns & Ammo

*Hilarious introduction* 

@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH

TM: Fuck off cunt

BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.

BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.

The 4th one: This is Paul.

@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

TM: See my previous response.

BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.

BU: No.

The 4th one: I will see you in court.

@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?

TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.

BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.

BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.

The 4th one: Oh my goodness.

@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?

TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.

BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.

BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.

The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.

@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?

TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.

BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.

BU: Yes.

The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?

@UtdRantcast  (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?

TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.

BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.

BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.

The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.

@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?

TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.

BG: *a different wanking joke*

BU: Lol @ “different joke”.

The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.

@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA

TM: This is just nonsense.

BG: I don’t do politics.

BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.

The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.

Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)

TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.

BG: Didn’t watch it.

BU: I’m dead.

The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

FA Cup Final day is the most important day of the year unless Arsenal are playing. They’re not, so we all dodged a collective bullet this year. Can you actually imagine how big such a bullet, and how big the gun that fired it, would have to be, not even taking into account that everyone in the world would need to organise themselves into some sort of tight group to maximise devastation? We asked the top scientists in the world (Stephen Hawking, Neil Degrasse Tyson and that guy who played keyboards for Tony Blair) to calculate the actual size of said bullet and here are their findings: Quite large, probably bigger than a horse. I’ve forgotten my point.

I watched Deadpool (2016) last night but film reviews are a sign of weak character and feeble legs. That aside, pretty good.

Opposition Summary: London’s Crystal Palace are the only team left in the FA Cup that play in the Premiership League apart from Manchester United. They wear second-hand Barcelona shirts and have adopted their city’s most famous wild animal, the eagle, as their mascot. Alan Pardew, their charismatic manager, found fame before football as the inventor of the melon.

Prediction: What a game we’re in store for today! Goals for Borthwick-Jackson, Fosu-Mensah and Memphis-Depay ensure a comfortable victory for Jose Mourinho’s Red and White Army. 0-0 FT, 0-0 AET, United win 0-0 on penalties.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I like the symmetry of it all; 26 years ago we won the FA cup to begin a period of unparalleled success. This nicely bookends it. If only old ham-face had realised ages ago that he’s a bit of a bell (ham-face is being used here to describe LVG, not that time Brett put ham on his face). Still, cup final is a cup final and as any liverpool fan will tell you, losing one 3-1 after being a goal up is horrible. Although hilarious if you’re us and watching them.

The average human male femur only weighs 400gms.

You Only Live Twice (1967)

Firstly, that title: You only live once. It was a meme for ages. Sean turns Japanese (I really think so hashtag only80skids) and it is racist. Cold war shenanigans – again! – as spaceships go missing and everyone’s like ‘wh-whut? send in James, he’ll blend in’. Noteworthy for great names – Kissy Suzuki, Tiger Tanaka and Little Nellie who is actually a helicopter – and the scene that inspired Hank Scorpio. Basically, without this film you’d have no hammock district. Let that sink in. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: The final that will be second only to Stanley Matthews as Memphis tears it right up. Really good feeling about Memphis this game. Memphis. Wayne to defeat Apocalypse. 3-0 United, Memphis hat-trick.

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

According to the FA Cup form books, this game is a nailed on 3-3 draw, cos of 26 years ago innit.

Did I ever tell you that I taught Keith Houchen all he knows? Including: how to write in ye olde English with a felt calligraphy pen? How to maximise the life-span of a goldfish; the correct administration and implementation with regards to their dietary requirements?  The correct use of a pumice stone? And usage per stone? Well, you’re never gonna know, cos Benno posted this preview before I had chance to finis

Prediction: Call me an idiot but this game has got a Tony V left-footed-match-winning goal written all over it. Idiot. 0-0 United. 0-0 United (a.e.t). o-o United on pens. That was gonna be my a joke, but just to reiterate Benno posted thi