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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Dave signs a new contract after flirting with another team and the world goes nuts, yet Rooney scores fifty goals against San Marino and he’s a fraud. A fake footballer’s shirt is exhibited in a museum to show the dangers of becoming a parody of yourself and one person cares, yet a real footballer is used as a mule to carry cocaine diamonds from Colombia to London via Monaco and Manchester and the story isn’t even mentioned by the thirty journalists I told it to, even though it would perfectly explain why his legs don’t work properly anymore. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition summary:  Liverpool used to be the best, then they were nearly good. They also had a spell of being nearly bad, before a spirited re-emergence as one of the most nearly good teams in the Premiership League. Currently, they are fucking clown shoes.

Prediction:  Dave and Roonsquad to keep hogging the headlines by somehow locking each other in the toilets. Because of this, Marcy Arl will have to make his day bew both up front and in goal simultaneously. Even with the dynamic cutting edge of Balotelli fed by the genius of Gerrard, Liverpool will not be able to beat the universe’s most expensive teenager, who will then justify his fee by scoring all the goals ever. 0-0 United.

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

United v Liverpool still remains the yardstick by which all football is judged; last year (March 2015), over 16000 million people watched the game, in over 3000 countries – Barca v R Madrid (hereafter known as ‘El Scum’) could only manage 17. And they were all in Spain. Why is it called a ‘train’ of thought?

Have decided to review some films instead:

The Game (Michael Douglas, Sean Penn)

Not a traditional game so the title was misleading, little disappointed in the lie. That aside, pretty good.

Day Watch/Night Watch (Konstantin Khabensky)

Really, really weird. Like when Homer remembers watching Twin Peaks but nothing like that. Literally no idea. That aside, pretty good.

Pineapple Express (Seth Rogen, James Franco)

Danny McBride teaches you how to be more aerodynamic when you fight (spoiler: its shaving your armpits) and also kills someone with a Daewoo Lanos. Has Seth Rogen in it. That aside, pretty good.

The Piano (Holly Hunter, Anna Paquin, Harvey Keitel)

Despite the well-deserved acclaim for Schlinder’s List, if it had been any other year, we’d almost certainly be talking about Jane Campion’s film as Best Picture winner in ’94. Campion’s story – Ada (Hunter), a 19th Century Scottish woman who communicates solely through her piano, travels to New Zealand for an arranged marriage, only to fall under the spell of an illiterate, tattooed neighbour (Keitel) – has the quiet eroticism, passion and authenticity of a Victorian novel. Around this tragic story, Campion creates an almost otherworldly and surreal version of the past aided notably by Stuart Dryburgh’s cinematography and the very nature of her surroundings. That aside, pretty good.

Masterstroke signing Dave from ourselves to keep the net spend down. Probably. I’m not sure how it works

Prediction: I’m not sure who Liverpool are, despite what I said earlier. Nevertheless, we’re not very good and don’t seem able to score the required goals needed to win games. I think this works against us. 8-0 United, Gerrard for Nasri, Martial to score 12.

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  Brett (@tchooo)

I was sad to hear of the terrible passing of Stevie G last season. BOOM. One sentence. One great joke. Striker. Eat. It. These smaller sentences aren’t helping my stats. Idiot. Drat.

Liverpool F.C have a long tradition in being Liverpool F.C and a long history in the same thing. In this context history and tradition probably mean the same thing, so they’re just acting the big I am by having both. But they do have a long history and tradition in that too.

Vangle’s boys forgot to put the teaspoon back in the top of the dressing room when they put it back in the fridge and Michael ‘ Michael Carrick ‘ Carrick and Roonswipe made their feelings clear by driving around in their cars looking like they were doing complicated algebras in their heads. I’m sure Vangle really gives one.

Prediction: Danny with his cous cous salad on a bed of rocket. Mata to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, just so he could recreate it and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack. Or not. Up to him. Someone has to beat that little kid who submitted that one that was on the web the other day, where he’s kicked it from the wrong side of the goalbag. Idiot. A comfortable 0-0. 

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.

Benno (@Benglorious)

There’s two good things about not having an enforced winter break in the Premiership League:  Firstly, there’s lots of games in a short period of time; and twoly, in a short period of time there are a lot of games.  Unfortunately, there’s also two bad things about footballs during Christmas:  Onely, there’s far too many games in such a short period of time; and secondly, because of this deluge of games, us seasoned football writers have a heavily increased workload whilst you “normals” get to relax and enjoy yourselves all the time.

Tottingham Hottenspurs are the opponents today, and they are a football team.  What else, what else?  Oh, they have white shirts and they wear shorts which are dark-coloured but aren’t black or even a slightly darker black.  They must be brown or purple.  I guess we’ll never really know.

Players to watch out for include Jimmy Greaves, Charles Hodges and David Peacock.  Go on, I’ll wait.

Prediction:  A win today will smash Real Madrid’s record of fourteen thousand  wins in a row.  Di Maria is probably not going to play due to his pelvis giving his legs the silent treatment after a row about whose turn it is to clean out the fishtank.  Falcao probably WILL play because his pelvis and legs are stronger than ever after renewing their vows in the Seychelles on Christmas Day.  This means that Radizzamel will score nice and early before teeing up Robizzin to give United a two-goal lead at the break.  Rizzooney will carry on his excellent recent form with yet another goal before United concede their first goal of the season when, I don’t know, Ruel Fox grabs a late consolation for the Spurs.  1-0 Tottenham.

When Adnan’s not twisting defenders into ever increasingly bizarre shapes, he likes nothing more than waterslides, Weston-super-Mare and Portuguese-style chicken:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

We didn’t have footballs in ‘Nam.  We used grenades.  Or human heads.  Whichever was funnier.

Prediction:  Optimus Prime with the 96th minute, Roy-of-the-Autobots-style-put-your-body-on-the-line-for-the-sake-of-the-team-to-the-detriment-of-your-future winning goal we’ve come to know and love from the big man.

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Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

I only pretend I don’t know their names.  Bob’s my favourite unless Terry is reading this.  In that case, I’m my favourite and Bob’s second.

Prediction: Me to come up with something absolutely genius – as per, so that I only pretend I don’t know their names.  Bob’s my favourite unless Terry is reading this.  In that case, I’m my favourite and Bob’s second what Bob wrote as my match preview, will never see the light of day.

I was asked a couple of years back which other player Danny reminded me of the most and, without pausing for breath, I replied: “Henry” because he did … a little bit. It was met with such unexpectedly high levels of derision that, to save face; to pretend I wasn’t wounded – and that in fact I felt I should be the one laughing at them, not the other way around; that they were the ones who’d gotten it so catastrophically wrong – I had no choice: no choice but to forego my usual equanimity.  From that point onwards, where Danny was concerned, I went dark; darker even than that: fluorescent dark, I’m talking real messed up. I trained myself to make reference to Danny’s similarities with Henry whenever there was the slightest hint of one, and especially where there wasn’t; the obscurer the better. I was the saline drip (Oi! Who said without the saline?!) of the Welbeck Trust, slowly administering the comparison into their bloodstream. The problem was, these other people were armed with antibodies and things; things like facts and evidence and strong opinions and relatively well articulated arguments, not to mention bitterness, bad manners and I’m pretty sure I saw all of them steal from the ‘dogs for the blind’ box at the bar – and so you see, being as I am, oil to their water – armed with only love and hope – I had no choice.

If anyone so much as owned, let alone raised, an eyebrow when Danny was unfortunate enough to have mistimed an attempt on goal on account of all that overt dynamicness (“scuffed a pea-roller harmlessly wide from eight yards”), they’d have me coming at ‘em like a distressed seagull (only with a beard and therefore more handsome): “YOU REALLY THINK HENRY SCORED EVERY TIME HE TOOK  A SHOT?! WELL DO YOU?! ANSWER ME?!” I’d say, but cleverer than that and with some longer words in it, I don’t remember which ones, it’s not important. Friends. Family. Children. Pets. Inanimate objects. Objects. Lists of objects. No-one or nothing was gonna have a bad word to say about Danny with Henry getting away with it. All the time I was crossing my fingers under the table – hoping that I just had to wait it out.

Loving Danny is easy, ‘cus he’s beautiful. I love Danny to bits. Loads of United fans do. Some don’t, but that’s something they’ll grow out of, so long as they can outrun the released hounds. It’s a no-brainer. He’s stockpiling boxes for us to tick as we speak. However, it’s not traitorous to note that his finishing has lacked the consistency we’d all perhaps wished he’d have by now and that when in full slalom, the ball occasionally intertwines itself betwixt his feet more by happy accident than design. When you’ve fallen in love with someone though, these little things are nothing more than adorable idiosyncrasies: “It’s no biggy Danny, we still love yer,” we whisper into our cups of tea.  Besides, we’ve all seen enough of Danny’s finishing, when it is more instinctive, or of confident mind, and enough penetrating runs with the ball absolutely in control, to recognise these as mere wrinkles that he’ll iron out over time, rather than something terminal.

Those people I used to hang out with have since moved on to sit at a different table in the pub, and so with Danny in the ascendancy, and receiving praise from all corners this summer, I thought I’d reiterate my feelings regarding the Henry comparison on Twitter, to see if I could recruit some digital allies. The abuse was swift, stealth like; amongst it a couple of death threats (hastily retracted) and some jip from United fans: “#Idiotz lik u giv us a bad gnome…”, etc. My tweet went something like this (actually, this is it verbatim): “Danny is better than Henry was when he first moved to Arsenal. Henry moved to Arsenal when he was 22 years old.”  The implication being, that, in my opinion (already implied in being posted from my Twitter account), Danny is better than Henry was – and this is the key part – when Henry FIRST moved to Arsenal. Also implicit in the comparison, is that the two players’ ages are the same, at the point of their respective careers being referred to: Danny now, Henry then.  So it’s not entirely impossible for me to stretch my imagination and picture Danny getting somewhere close to achieving the amazing things that Henry has. It was a compliment to Henry. Of course, we don’t see tweets as they are, but as we are.

Inevitably I was also inundated with more of those ‘things’ – all up in my chops again. The things like facts and that. So, I thought I’d try some of that there research myself; yuck. And yet. And yet…

Y’know, it turns out, Henry scored just three goals in sixteen games for Juventus, the season before he joined Arsenal, after being asked to play ‘out of position’ as a winger (sounds familiar). Combining this with his scoring record for Monaco – and therefore encompassing his professional career to that point – his goals tally was just above one in every five games. So, if we then cross-reference this with Danny’s goal tally up to this point (not including the two against Swansea) it’s … oh … wait … just above one in five. There’s more … the internet stores this stuff – who knew?! Just before moving to Arsenal, Henry had broken into the French national side and, on his first appearance at a major tournament, finished as their top scorer. Danny happened to make the ‘step up’ to international level much earlier in his career than Henry, relatively speaking, and … oh … wait … also became his national side’s top scorer in his first major tournament. Hey, that wasn’t so bad.

With regards to Henry: I wasn’t that convinced by him at first, and I know that Arsenal fans I was friends with at the time (reluctantly and probably under duress and certainly never in public places), felt the same. He was seen as something of a ‘poor man’s’ replacement for he-of-the-upside-down-smile, who was Real bound having burned Wenger’s cookies once too often. He proved me, and a lot of other people, wrong. That first season he went on to score 26 goals, no mean feat; especially in light of the fact that he initially took time to settle. The rest is Premier League history. I think, scooched in next to Eric, Scholesy and Giggsy, Henry rightly takes his seat in the pantheon of Premier League stars.  I would have absolutely loved him at United. The point being though (it’s in here somewhere), that a career viewed retrospectively, with the benefit of hindsight, does not my comparison quash.

Course, it’s not that I really think Danny is the new Henry: Henry is Henry, Danny is Danny. When I first made the comparison, it was to do with something about the way they both collected the ball – with a similar physicality – and shifted it on; something about the positions they took up; something about the runs they made; something about the types of shots they shape for. But more, it was something about wanting Danny to realise his potential and become one of the best players the Premier League has ever seen, and that is what it’s always been about.

I’ve put a bet on Danny winning Player of the Year, not because I necessarily think he will – though I do necessarily think he will – but because he makes me feel giddy; he gives me hope. As I’ve written before, hope is seen by some as a negative, as delusional, but I see hope as a catalyst, a stimulant, that inspires to better things, and so, I really hope that in fourteen years time we’re talking about Danny Welbeck in the same breath as Thierry Henry.

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Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Brett:

I do wish we could all keep the confident talk of us winning the Champions League down?! If the footy gods get wind of it, we’re toast! As a seasoned expector of good things to happen, I have come to accept that good things tend to happen when the masses least expect them, or at least that’s one theory – the theory that I haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about tends to take precedence over  most others.

In the game that most people – United fans included – gave us little chance in, the perception is that we’ve managed to nudge our noses in front, but personally I think the away team can only really be considered in the driving seat with at least two goals under their belt. The second Real score – and we have to be pretty sure they will – they’re favourites; unless we’re already four up, in the last minute, with them down to nine men, with Ronaldo no longer on the field.

I can’t imagine Danny’s going to be playing from the start in the second, which makes me a bit sad. But hey it’s not all about me. Besides, he can come on and score and be an even bigger hero – isn’t that right Danny?! (He’s definitely reading this.) With our family of disfunctional wingers, we could certainly do worse right now, and even though I haven’t got a clue whether we’ll be going narrow or traditional, I think Fergie would opt for Ashley Young and TV if we were to be lining up as the latter.  With Fergie’s previous to go on, Nani could provide the wild card.

I’ve just dragged myself into predicting the team again, a wholy unhealthy pastime. So, let’s just get it out the way. I’d go 4-4-2 (4-5-1): David; Raf, Rio, Jonny, Evra; Carrick, Cleverley, Giggsy, TV; Rooney, RVP (Though I don’t think there is any chance this team will happen.). It’s a testament to the squad that any number of line-ups and personnel would be relatively welcome. The news Phil Jones isn’t fit to start doesn’t upset me personally, I much prefer Cleverley in there, despite Phil Jones’ display at Real. I’m backing Rafael to take the game to them down the right, unlike he did in the first half in the first leg. If Giggsy starts I think I’ll smile forever, or at least till kick off (Actually, using Giggsy, as I think Fergie will, as a tool to lift the crowd from the bench, is by far the best policy).

I’ve been really enjoying the ongoing emotive mind games Fergie’s playing with Ronaldo. Speculation of him returning and talk of him coming home make for a highly emotionally charged Ronaldo – maybe a Ronaldo who can’t find it within himself to hammer the nail in our CL coffin, should the opportunity present itself. He’s pretty intensely self-interested, but I think it’s unfair to suggest that that’s all he is. He does have feelings for the club and Fergie and there’s nowt wrong with exploiting them, if it offers you a potential advantage* * This rule does not necessarily apply to real life – check the notes on context in your user manual.

I’m really, really excited – the nerves have been shredding for the past week.

Prediction: 2-1

Goals: RVP and Danny

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Maybe it’s because we’ve been so utterly dominated in two Champions League finals by the best club side ever assembled, but I definitely got the sense that most people expected Real to win on Wednesday based purely on the fact that Spain’s big two exist on some sort of psychologically higher ground above the rest of us mere mortals. To be fair, I bought into it a little. But I thought that we coped with one of the biggest, most talented club sides in the world admirabl, and came out with a great result.

The bad stuff: Rafael and Evra were all over the place. Rooney’s passing was poor (although expecting him to be at his peak when he’s out wide is daft). Too many loose passes. Ronaldo leaping like a gazelle above a human being that must’ve seemed like a black dot from that kind of orbit to score.

The good stuff: THAT goal. God, Welbeck hasn’t half taken some flak this season. I’m not his biggest fan but it was great to see him score. He must understand that he’s in a lucky position because it hasn’t happened often during the last 26 years that someone has had as low a goals-to-games ratio as this and still played regularly (and if they have then they haven’t lasted too long). But Danny’s clearly an exception, and I’m glad that the club’s still confident in his ability.

De Gea was superb. I didn’t even notice that he’d saved Coentrao at first, such was the pace of the ball, but that was some tasty fingertip work (and there’s no way to say that without making it sound dodgy. I’ve tried. Just revel in the save. It were ace). Sure, one mistake in his next match and the tone will change dramatically, but that’s par for the course.

We probably should’ve won. We weren’t amazing, but Van Persie had two chances to give us a lead to take home and didn’t finish as you’d expect. Not that it’s the end of the world, as having performed like that in Madrid, you’d think that we’ll be even better in a few weeks time.  But the margins for error get pretty damn small when you reach the second leg, and both teams know that if they win, they go through. No pressure, then.

Two quotes worthy of mention: Danny stating that United treated the occasion like any other game was so deliciously understated that it made me want to hug him. It was the biggest game of the season in terms of stature by some distance, but they treated it as a jaunt to Generic Park. Nice.

Secondly, Martin Tyler reminding me that it’s not actually so easy to suddenly start performing in a big game if you’ve been stuttering all season, no matter how much you might want to win. I still feel that Real’s sheer determination to make something of this season could see them through, but after watching how we dealt with them in their own backyard, and how we’ve powered on since the Norwich defeat, there has to be far more positivity about getting to the quarter finals now.

Brett:

Typical, that the week I stop predicting a Danny goal, he goes and gets a massive, massive goal! Whether he scores, or not, plays brilliantly,or not … I love Danny. A diamond is a diamond is a diamond. Still love it when he scores too though obvs. Brilliant.

Thought again, despite an initial *gulp* when the team was announced, that on closer inspection the team was a bold one and Fergie consolidated his purple patch of selections. We were set up to attack and on another night could have pulled off the 3-1 win I was daft enough to suggest. The fact we were forced to defend had nothing to do with our line-up, just that Real are really, really good at attacking. We coped relatively well. Rio and Evans in particular were solid. Rafael managed to overcome the first half and show how he’s matured over the past couple of seasons. Do we need to mention David de Gea? OUTSTANDING (we already knew that)!!!!

It took me yonks to get used to the concept of RVP in a United shirt, now I can’t imagine us without him. Rooney, hhhhmmm not so much. Kagawa showed some neat touches, but was out muscled one time too often. Carrick after the troublesome first half, did what we expected for the most part and Jones did exactly what he was put in to do. I would have personally preferred Cleverley in the midfield, but hey, not going to go there.

Our discipline was superb. Think Fergie can definitely chalk that up as a clear victory over Mourinho.

David the other Bifurcator pointed out, in the pub, and I agree, that Fergie has yet again been at his mindtastic best with all the love for Ronaldo. Making sure the overwhelming emotion of the occasion for Ronaldo and all that is emphasised at every opportunity by Fergie himself and as many of his playing staff as possible. Smart stuff.

The second leg is going to be even more exciting!!!

MOTM: De Gea.

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Before I begin, a few omens for you.

Manchester United haven’t been knocked out of the Champions League at the last 16 stage since 2005 (last season and 2006 permitting). Real Madrid haven’t reached the final of the biggest competition in club football in eleven seasons. They’re currently third in La Liga, sixteen points behind leaders Barcelona. Manchester United have won the Premier League on their way to their last four final appearances, and currently have a twelve point lead over second placed Manchester City.

Omens can sod off, to be honest.

It’s not that the domestic form of both teams isn’t necessarily important, because it is. Of course it is. Overhauling Guardiola’s Barcelona to the league title was a massive victory for Jose Mourinho’s side but this season, they’ve been so off the boil that they’d practically conceded their trophy by Christmas. To me, that could be the deciding factor. Everyone connected with the club is desperate for that tenth European title anyway, but with La Liga gone, constant stories of dressing room unrest and speculation about where Mourinho fancies taking up temporary residence next, it’s starting to feel essential to their campaign.

That’s not the same for us. I’m far from declaring us Premier League champions this early, and we all know why, but we’re in a great position to get that 20^th title, and we’ve a home tie in the FA Cup next week to boot. If we get knocked out by Real, it’ll be gutting, a massive disappointment and another European failure. But the chances are that it won’t define our season. That’s where I think the deciding factor is, just how hungry each team and each manager is to win. It’s all or nothing for Real, and that’s where I think the tie will hinge. Real could easily dominate the opening exchanges and beyond in the Bernabeu, and we have to be prepared for that.

Don’t get me wrong; the boss is probably the most competitive person at the club, and will do all he can to win another European Cup. So will players like Van Persie; he moved to us to achieve that kind of glory. He’ll be one of a number who still feel like they have something to prove on the biggest stages. Why not here?

It’ll be weird coming up against Ronaldo. He’s the first player since Beckham left United that I’ve made a conscious effort to avoid watching because seeing him in another club’s shirt just doesn’t sit right. It’s daft, I admit, and I completely understand why some United fans are glad that they don’t have to suffer his posturing, dramatics or self-importance anymore. But I still hold a big soft spot for the guy, all the same. Only now, over three seasons since he left do I feel like we’ve managed to properly compensate for him leaving. If you think about it like that, then there isn’t a better time to be playing Real Madrid.

….Other than after a bout of Spurs-style food poisoning.

Line-up: DDG, Evra, Vidic, Rafael, Carrick, Jones, Cleverley, Kagawa, Van Persie, Rooney. Still think Kagawa was left out at the weekend with this match in mind.

Prediction: Wouldn’t advise looking at the games at City and Chelsea this season as guides as to how we’ll play. Focus will be on the defence, but I expect them to pull through. An away goal is a fanciful thing, and I’m not overly confident that we’ll get it, but we’ve scored so many this season that it’s hard to bet against us, too. 1-1.

Brett:

As Paul off of the Rant Cast proclaimed – and in doing so articulated the anticipation and sense of occasion wonderfully succinctly – this game is ‘Football Christmas!’ I feel almost irrationally excited about it. Trying to predict what might happen, or make sense of what happened in the aftermath of these games is almost impossible and in many ways missing the point. Games this size, played out by two teams with their respective natures as they are, exist in a void where reason and rationality don’t set the agenda. You must allow yourself to be swept along in the madness. This is football.

As I’ve said a few times this season, from my own point of view, Fergie has been relatively bold with his team selections in all competitions, and though there wasn’t any doubt he would put out the strongest eleven possible for this game (if that really exists as a defined concept anyway), I can see potential for another of those bold calls: The surprise inclusion of Ashley Young. Why would you take him?! I’d personally much prefer Giggsy – who is without doubt one of the form players of the past month or so – to take the Left Midfield berth, there’s a long time before the next game for recuperation. I think the option of Nani is a becoming a misnomer, in that you can’t really consider him an option. I’d be pretty appalled if he got the nod (Cue a Nani screamer in the opening minute and me snogging the television screen). Wingers have always been integral to our play and of course remain so, which makes it doubly annoying that TV has been enveloped by his winter of disconnect. With him at 70% they’d struggle to cope – let’s hope he can get near that. Making up the rest of the midfield, Cleverley and Carrick have it in them to match most opposing combinations. It’s really down to minute details on the night – as I suppose are most of the battles.

Though I’m biased, I think (the line-up I’m predicting) De Gea, Rio, Jonny Evans, Evra and Rafael are the stronger of the two defences. All having blown big raspberries in the faces of their detractors this season. Rafael is a joy to watch. The rambunctious Rafael of old is still in there, but in just the right amount. The Pre-Rafaelites (fans of GNev) will soon come round. Rumours of Evra’s demise were always greatly exaggerated, show me a Left Back that can defend impeccably and I’ll show you  something that contradicts what you’re showing me, yeah – that’s fighting talk. Jonny Evans is one of the best defenders in the Prem and Rio is Rio. It’s naive to think they can keep Real at bay with their shedloads of attacking options and wheelbarrows of facets  but I’m comfortable in the knowledge that there’s very few defensive units that could do better.

If you’re not excited by the immense potential of all of our central attacking players then go somewhere else out of my sight. Go on!

You can really sense in Fergie these past few weeks, with how he’s been conducting himself (for better and perhaps worse), that he’s getting his sh!t together and he knows it himself.

Whadya know I went through the whole post without mentioning Mourinho once. Hey! that doesn’t count.

I have to tell you: I have this real feeling we’re going to do this.

Prediction: 1-3

Goals: Carrick, RVP, Rooney. 

David (who?)

Big Sam K predicts a red card in this one. But more importantly Rooney will grab an away goal that will probably see us through the tie to prove that at least the “footballing” part of his “footballing/hooligan” split personality is true. I’m thinking the return at Old Trafford will be a 1-0 seat of the pants job.

Prediction: Real 2 – 1 United

 Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Life does feel a touch more exciting after you’ve drawn Real Madrid in the Champions League. Since yesterday morning, I’ve written an excited blog post looking ahead, watched the match highlights from THAT 4-3 and mentally run through several matchday scenarios in which we march to an incredibly credible victory at the Bernabeu and give Ronaldo a Beckham-esque homecoming in the second leg.

Then I snapped out of it, checked that we have nine league games before February 13^th and remembered that we should probably think about Swansea. I’ll freely admit it; I’m not looking forward to this one. We stuttered to a 0-1 victory at the Liberty Stadium last season, and barring a September dip, they’re a great side that haven’t really missed a step since Brendan Rodgers made his way to Anfield. Swansea play football that’s genuinely enjoyable to watch (when they’re not holding onto a draw for dear life as they were last weekend), and if Michu can continue this sort of form, then he’ll be the bargain buy of the year, hands down.

It’s at times like this that I like to fall back onto a wonderful comment made by the irrepressible Garth Brooks; “On paper, they should win. But we don’t play football on paper.” Yep, Swansea followed up the victory at the Emirates with a poor defensive display against Norwich, but they will be ready for us on Sunday. We won’t walk it, and to be honest, I wouldn’t be shocked if we drop points here. It’s by far the toughest fixture of the three that we have left to deal with in this calendar year, and whilst the performances since the Norwich defeat have been decent, this could well be a slog.

It’s very easy to get excited about the Madrid tie because it’s the biggest knockout tie we’ve had in years, and one of the best players to ever wear a United shirt (even if he was the stroppiest) is sheepishly coming back for a visit, but we’ve got a lot of domestic games to get through before we can start thinking about the Champions League again. Sunday kicks off a run of four games in nine days. We’re starting with what looks to be the most difficult with City host Reading on Saturday, who are currently propping up the Premier League table like a small piece of wood under a wobbly table leg. You get the idea.

The Entirety Of My Preview Can Be Summed Up By: Winnable, but approach with caution.

Prediction: Tighter than a Mr. Scrooge’s purse strings before The Muppets paid him a visit. 1-1.

Brett:

Hopefully, there will be no opportunity to use the  “*Michu!* – *Bless You!*” joke, although I think we’ll do well to keep Swansea and old tall-handsome-chops at bay. T’other old tall-handsome-chops, Laudrup, has transitioned nicely from the ground work put in place by Brendan Rodgers and Swansea are a real match for most teams, most days.

Fergie has already suggested he’s going to be hitting the rotation button hard and so I can’t imagine we’ll win any games comfortably over Chrimbo. If we keep to similar elevens to the previous two games (we need to) then we should get through this game. Fingers crossed.

I really feel like Danny and Chicha will be vital to this period and really hope they can make the impact required when we need them. Hopefully TV will show a bit more, and who knows maybe Ashley Young will hold off the impending stinker for another week.

Christmas takes over for me in these coming weeks – I love the festive fixture chaos, but I won’t be paying as much attention as I perhaps might *Gasp!- release the hounds on me!!* As I’ve said, I think we’ll take our foot off the pedal a touch with our six point advantage and City are starting to look like their 2011 selves, so, I think we’ll be about even again by New Year. Having said that I always expect us to win,so how that will actually manifest itself is anyone’s guess.

Prediction: 2 – 4

Goals: RVP, Young, Danny 2.

I didn’t used to like Michael Owen, not because footballing by-laws explicitly requested he was referred to by his full name in its entirety (although that probably didn’t help), and not necessarily because he played for Liverpool (although that definitely didn’t help), my dislike of him was mainly down to him keeping Andy Cole out of the England team. Andy Cole was more than capable of keeping himself out of the England team, thank you very much, Michael!

I remember, such was my antipathy, arguing that he’d taken the ball off Scholesy’s foot when he’d scored THAT goal against Argentina, and it was exactly that that had cost us the game, because obviously things would have turned out different if he hadn’t: his selfishness had changed the course of the match. I would sometimes begrudgingly admit he was a bit quicker than most and he could finish, granted, but all of his goals tended to look exactly the same, I mean couldn’t he have injected a bit of personality into his act? As for his left leg, why did he even bother with it? He should have been doing the honest thing and donating it to medical science, it was just taking up valuable space on an already overcrowded planet. What?! I’m a dick sometimes *Who said sometimes sarcastically?*

Scholesy's!!!

He left Liverpool and, unsurprisingly, my opinion of him thawed. At Real he was no longer the overly self-assertive middle-class kid, he was vulnerable. I admired the tenacity of the move and now he was team mates with our Becks, so was afforded some vicarious love by association (besides Becks could never handle all the love I had for him in one sitting).  That vulnerability, that to me was now palpably stamped across his face (having been rubber-stamped by him being on first name terms with the members of the medical profession) made him more human. This was the kind of player I could get behind. He didn’t shy away from responsibility, he took risks and all the while he was deeply concerned, doubting himself physically and mentally, but facing it head on, and not only that, he was still succeeding. As a footballer you don’t tend to have much choice but to plough on with such a relatively short career, but you can certainly choose easier paths.

When his step-dad, Alan “Alan Shearer” Shearer convinced him to join Newcastle, I was pleased to have him back in the Prem. I ached for him to do well. Unfortunately his body ached under the pressure and simply refused to cut him any slack. He’d been regarded as one of the best English front men of his generation and, such is their wont, the press were sharpening their winkle pickers. But he just wouldn’t have it.

Happenstance brought him here … and why not? With self-titled marketing brochure under one arm and a copy of the Racing Post under the other, sporting sports socks with sports sandals (sorry that’s complete conjecture I made that bit up, painting pictures with words. I bet he does wear sports socks with sports sandals though), Michael Owen quickly bedded in, quite literally, and I was made up.

"Is there a strict footwear policy here?"

It’s reasonable to assert that Michael Owen’s United career has been a non-starter. The goal against City being the only real contribution of note.  Although, I’d like to think his presence in the dressing room would have had a positive effect on our youthful squad. For the most part the naysayers can claim a cheap victory. Personally, just having him around, one of the golden generation, one of the players I’ve grown up with, a player I’ve grown to admire from afar, up close, was curiously exciting. Yes, there’s the  Twitter-LOLS and yes, there’s his medical and wage bills to pick up: I’m by no stretch insinuating I’d pull up a chopped log and sit around a camp fire with him exchanging stories. Neither am I suggesting we should retire the number 7 shirt in his honour.  My point is, it’s Michael Owen and against my better judgement, that it’s Michael Owen, The Michael Owen, was always enough for me.

His time at United can perhaps best be described as one man’s vaguely conceivable against-all-odds story with the fairy tale ending, that got left in its dust jacket. We were supposed to be his one last big job before he was being turned to glue. Maybe we’re the job before the one last big job? I hope so. For me it was a pleasure, albeit a guilty one. And I still wouldn’t mind checking his birth certificate against mine.

A squillion synchronised cameras all trained on Zinedine Zidane – what’s not to like?!

The directors, Douglas Gordon and Philippe Parreno, I think, are attempting to address the awkward question of Football as Art? And they certainly put Football in its best clothes. But suitably lo-fi soundtracks (provided by purveyors of the craft Mogwai) and quasi-gonzo camera work do not art make. Just ‘cus it looks and feels like art, you shouldn’t always be fooled. The production may be new to the football, but it’s an old trick art has been playing for a while. Having said that it’s also hard to argue that this isn’t a successfully realised piece of cinema.

I believe an artist (who creates art) is someone who brings something in to the world that wasn’t there before. Then, Zidane is artist. In beautifully crafting a new perspective from which to view something that we’re so familiar with, there is definitely an argument to cast the film-makers as artist too. (There’s a football as art thing, in relation to this film, I wrote here)

The wild (almost other-worldly) look in Zidane’s eyes (captured in extreme close-up) could curdle milk, so be mindful not to watch with a cup of tea. It is eerily compelling and curiously emotive.

It beats Sky Player-Cam hands down.

p.s Look out for cameos from Real Madrid Beckham and Real Madrid Owen (Lol).