I’ve been practising some of the jokes based on internet research, involving similar words, but not exactly in the same order, so definitely not copying…

What’s the difference between So Solid Crew and Steven Gerrard?

About 18 members or 29 members depending on which point in the pop combo’s history you’re referring to, as the number of people in the So Solid Crew changed over time, as members left, or were replaced, or other people joined in. And there is only one of this particular Steven Gerrard.

What’s the difference between Youssou N’Dour, Neneh Cherry and Steven Gerrard?

Youssou N’Dour is Senegalese, a singer, a percussionist, a songwriter, a composer, an occasional actor, a politician, and was Senegal’s Minister of Tourism and Leisure. Neneh Cherry is a Swedish-born singer-songwriter, rapper, and occasional DJ and broadcaster.

And Steven Gerrard is etc…

You can repeat the format with Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac, Motley Crue, The Cure, Jack Penate, Alice Cooper and any other hit paraders with a song with the word ‘second’ or in it. Make sure you’ve installed fire retardent software on your device before you tweet that mind!

On the subject of Gerrard, two questions:

1) During his “apology”, did he apologise to Ander? I guess he must have…

b) How many players in a similar situation haven’t made the standard cliched apology to the fans and the dressing room and the manager for letting them down and letting themselves down etc?! I guess all of them…

As for us, Giggsy now just needs to convince Vangle of Rafael at right back, and then all our’s and Giggsy’s favourites are in the team.

We’ll wait to get Danny back, when Giggsy’s boss.

Thought for the Day: Love will find a way.

Liverpool Rob

Now it may come as some surprise to you to read that I like to see Man U lose. Indeed, that’s the main reason I’ve watched so many Utd matches these past couple of years. I’ve probably seen more Utd games than Brett. But that’s nothing to brag about round ‘ere.

At the moment they remind me of the baddy that simply won’t die, no matter how many wounds are inflicted on them. In fact they seem to fight better the more stabbed-up they are. I’ve been waiting, poised, or rather hunched over my laptop, and watching for the moment they sink to the floor and keep on sinking. I thought Spurs would deliver the telling blow but, f-me, the beast simply grew bigger.

One thing that does give me hope is that Spurs are the whipping boys of most of the top teams and so that game probably doesn’t bear too much significance on today’s game… it might even make Utd a touch over-confident.

Utd have often looked like an old dog trying to learn new tricks, but recently it’s been the old dog LvG learning Utd’s old tricks, reverting to a formation that looks more ‘traditional’. Ashley’s old and very effective trick (the fake to cross on the left foot and cut back to cross on the right – not the wrap leg round opposition in area and fall one) has been well used too. I can see Utd get some joy if using a similar tactic to the Spurs game – this time with Fellaini occupying Can and Young going past on the outside.

Anyway, you don’t want to hear me harping on, in my bitter way, about Utd, you want to know about the great ‘Pool, the mighty Reds, the Anfield Alumni. What does Jamie Redknapp have to say? I tell you what, wait ‘til the game for those pearls of insight. What I will tell you is that every team that has given us space to play has suffered the consequences. We’re looking sharp, confident and have still got some improvements due as players return from injury. I think that Coutinho will come in off the left and drag Carrick out of position and disrupt your build-up, if we can overload on the other side then we can cause some damage.

If both teams play defensively then it will be a disaster of a match, but I’m pretty confident that it will be an open game, with both teams leaving space in dangerous areas for the opposition to attack.

Prediction: Three goals to two, dunno to who.

Benno (@Benglorious)

Have you ever felt more trepidation over a fixture before?  Have you ever thought to yourself that one game could define a whole season?  Have you ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with?  If the answer to any of the above questions is ‘yes’, take two of these and keep reading.  If you answered ‘no’ to all the questions, please skip to the next preview.  Actually, skip all of them and do something more worthwhile like defrosting the freezer or trying a little tenderness.

I’m not trepidationed about today.  Since the Moyes era, I think something inside me has died and I just can’t hide and I just can’t take it.  Poor old Dave has made it acceptable for us to have no expectations.  Vangle has done nothing spectacular since his arrival to help us get out of this mindset but he has asked his squad what love is, he wants them to show him.  Sometimes they deliver and sometimes they don’t, but you don’t get to fourth in the Premiership League by only scraping lucky wins and draws, especially when you’ve got £900 billion worth of talent from 862 different countries in the squad, even though not one of them was born in the USA.

Anfield is the destination today for live and let die game against Liverpool.  As the players leave the changing room, they’ll all see the famous “This Is Anfield” sign which was placed there to remind the not-so-smart players where they were.  They’re in the jungle, baby, they’re gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Prediction:  Mum to stop skipping my ipod for five minutes to let me concentrate.  Yeah, Mum: you.  After celebrating the great news that Old Man Carrick has a place to sleep for another year, he will come out and marshall the midfield in an unchanged side from the one that beat Spurs so convincingly last week.  However, Vangle may make some changes from the unchanged side from the one that beat Spurs so convincingly last week, and this will have two effects: 1) people will moan that he’s made some changes from the unchanged side that beat Spurs so convincingly last week, and B) I’ll get my word count to a respectable figure.  Rooney to continue his “knock-out” form (note to self: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “knockout”) by scoring two goals, and young Ashley Young to get the third in a comprehensive 3-0 victory by a United side that’s either unchanged from the one that beat Spurs so convincingly last week or has had some changes made from the unchanged side that beat Spurs so convincingly last week.  1-0 Liverpool.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Prediction: Your face.

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Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

I still can’t get my head around these 1330 kick-offs. It’s hard enough comprehendering the logistics of time-travelling back to 1500 every Saturday. But at least the FA handbook explains why: so racism and all that is still cool. And also because they got a new customer introductory discount back in 1900 (I can’t be bothered to make up exactly why they ended up with 1500. Let’s all just accept it and move on). But there’s nothing highlighting the benefits of 1330. According to Wikipedia “Year 1330 (MCCCXXX) was a common year starting on Monday” A common year? Aren’t all years as common as each other? I’ve obviously, unwittingly, stumbled across some government conspiracy x Waco to the power of Gulf of Tonkin. I only have one pencil (that I share with Benno and Tom) in this dark cellar, but I’ll fashion something magical using my inner face space, time travel back to 1330, and get to the bottom of this…

Prediction: You stopped reading this a long time ago. 2-3 cos that’s what Liverpool Rob said, and he’s watched more United games than I have. But I’m taller and have more grown up facial hair.

Update: I made a pencil. Its time travelling capabilities seem limited.

Liverpool Rob:

Usually I steer well clear of Brett’s advances around this peculiarity in the football calendar. If he gets hold of me he asks me out on a date to watch the match, because, well, we’re friends and it doesn’t matter who wins (or loses). This year I’m happy to put that theory to the test. I’ll let mum know she may need to buy a new hat.

 Now to the prediction: I usually go with the ref to be Howard Webb and a good controversial decision in favour of the hosts. Game over. However he has already doled out his quota of bad decisions against us for this season. He also has to make a few more headlines to ensure he’s on the bus to Brazil… hence I’m looking at a very red day at Old Trafford. I believe, and you can bet your house on this if you like, that Rooney will be sent off for tattooing a postage stamp onto Skrtel’s forehead, RVP for swinging an elbow album into Toure, De Gea for speaking Pigeon to everyone’s English hero, Putin for a pitch invasion when he sees everyone Russian around, Moyes for not declaring to the I.R. having a twin brother who is also his chauffeur (thanks Brett for that info), Hernandez will be sent on to climb the PeaStalk to rescue the treasure from the sleeping giant… which has just awoken and will happily let the Little Pea take as many trinkets as he likes; it won’t matter in the bigger scheme of things.

Prediction: Man U to record 57% possession.

P.S. I hope Mr Webb is in charge of the match or the above won’t happen, obvs.

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Ben (Benglorious):

One of the oldest rivalries in English football is being hosted at Old Trafford this Sunday.  Liverpool visit the Theatre of Dreams on a nine Premier League game unbeaten run, which has seen them demolish Arsenal, snatch an injury-time victory in a five goal thriller at Fulham and clinically dispatch Southampton in their last league run-out.  They’re winning matches the way you’re supposed to – by scoring more than their opponents – despite the best efforts of their defenders attempting to give the other team a chance.  They may have only kept two clean sheets in those nine matches, but they’ve banged in a quite ridiculous twenty-nine goals to bring them to second in the table; a mere seven points behind leaders Chelsea, but with a game in hand.

With Daniel Sturridge and Luis Suárez spearheading arguably the strongest attack in the whole of the Premier League, United have plenty to fear today.  Our defensive frailties are there for all to see:  Rio Ferdinand and Patrice Evra have both lost that mythical yard of pace; Captain Nemanja Vidić will have his next club, Inter Milan, on his mind; Chris Smalling and Phil Jones haven’t found their best positions yet; Jonny Evans is out injured and Rafael, fan favourite though he may be, can be be a liability in hot-blooded games like today’s event.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I ACTUALLY WROTE LIKE THAT FOR EVERY GAME?!?  No, thank you.  If you want serious (read: “boring”) matchday previews, then you’ve come to the wrong place.  Anyone with half a football brain can write stuff like the above: generic, stating the obvious tat, with a few pointless statistics thrown in to make it look like the writer is the Football Knowledge King, Soccerbrain Palace, Statistician Drive, Hipsterton, Football Knowledge Kingdom, HP1 1KK.

“Proper” football writers are ten pennies a dime on the internet, and pretty much regurgitate the same gibberish as the next guy.  Or the previous one.  Or the one writing concurrently to them.  I don’t know.  I’m all about the jokes.  Jooooooooookes.  My colleagues Tom and erm, Mr Bifocal are “writers” in the same vein: we’re the mainline injection of zany crack to Martin Samuel’s hand-warming Lemsip.  Now THAT’S a metaphor.

[That’s not to say that there aren’t some wonderful football writers out there.  If you don’t already, you should definitely check out some of my friends people I’ve met through annoyed on Twitter, particularly Paul Ansorge (@UtdRantcast, 14000+ followers), Paul Gunning (@PaulGunning1, 1500+ followers, most of them bought) and Ivan Evan Ewan Iwan Lehnert (@IwanLehnert, 400+ followers.  Seriously?  That few?  That’s a bigger injustice than the recent Cantona framejob).  Not only are all three terrific writers about all things United, they probably also get paid by the thoroughly respectable websites they wordsling for.  If I had to rank them:  Snog Iwan, marry Paul and avoid Gunning.  He’s the worst.]

Prediction:  Yet more hope and optimism from me this week, particularly in light of our excellent 3-0 defeat of the mighty West Bromwich Albion Football Club last Sunday.  Robin will have calmed down after last week’s shenanigans and put in a season-best performance; Wayne will use all his Everton/United hatred of Liverpool to put in a season-best performance; Shinji will come off the bench to put in a season-best performance and Dave will put in such a season-best performance that Liverpool’s S.A.S. (Pah! As if!) will both leave the pitch crying, begging for their mums.  1-0 Liverpool.

About the author:  Most of my jokes are* funny.

*You thought I was going to put “aren’t”, didn’t you?  Classic misdirection gag.  Told you I was funny.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Earlier this season – when it was still kinda funny – I suggested that we were entering the Prequel Trilogy of the Star Wars Universe. We all laughed (that’s the royal ‘we’ obvs) and then got on with our lives. Several months on, that light-hearted and off-the-cuff remark has borne an evil fruit. Certainly not the 5-Star healthy fruit we at UETFA use for all our currently non-sponsored competitons; I know you’re reading Nike – this is your chance to get on at the ground floor. World Cup year. If you don’t, Sky will.

Anyway….the tenuous Star Wars analogy I’m persisting with because it’s easier than accepting reality: If Fergie retiring was Chancellor Valorum’s ignoble dismissal, then Moyes arrival is clearly the equivalent of Palpatine’s rise to Chancellor – first game of the season? Nothing’s changed, people are happy, no-one’s aware of the insidious plot (Although I maintain in the film this was stupid because Return of The Jedi has been out for years….), everyone’s slightly nervous but hey, we’ll be fine. Luckily, we can completely ignore Attack of the Clones because a) why wouldn’t you? and b) I don’t think even I could relate the clone wars to United’s season. Moving on to Revenge, this is where it could go either way – either Moyes/Palpatine’s attempt at using his latest apprentice Darth Vader/Rooney – the great white hope who fell from grace to become a soulless jerkoff – will succeed and our brave Jedi Council (RVP/Adnan as Yoda/Obi-Wan respectively) will flee for their lives a la the movie OR Wayne will restore balance to the force and Moyes won’t have to be thrown down a massive shaft. Given Wayne’s new contract, this seems unlikely – he’s more money than man now, fat and evil. On the plus side – for me – this does mean I get to carry this nonsense on into next season with A New Hope. Unlucky losers.

Probably should mention the game. Because of the way I look at the world ie As I wish it to be, I’m going for a 5-0 to United, De Gea making a string of saves so brilliant, Arsenal erect a statue to him straight away. And lastly, when Ben thinks he’s talking to his mum? All me.

Prediction: 7.14pm Achacha Fruit.

Brett:

When I first set up Bifurcated – three years ago – I would sometimes allow myself to dream of this day: when following on from some really enjoyable, varied and entertaining opinions from both sets of fans I would*chokes*

ME: *Hola mi chico! Do you mind awfully letting me know the scores of the main title protagonistas del dia. Gracias. Luego. Amor. bX*

BD: *Surely will*

BD: *0-0 HT. Apparently poor*

LR: *Ur 2-1 down!*

LR: *U remain losers. u abandoned them and they couldn’t cope! X*

ME: *As in life: losers are the real winners.*

BD: *We lost 2-1. Rooney with another free kick. Behind twice in the game*

ME: *Qué coñazo. We were at home?*

BD: *Yes*

ME: *Double qué coñazo*

BD: *Mos def.*

ME: *If you wanna text me  scores while I’m away, that woud be nice bX*

BD: *Okay, if you’re sure*

LR: *I wouldn’t be so cruel*

ME **silence**

LR: *They’re starting the match with a algorithmic handicap taking into account current and past league position, combined squad numbers and one of those 8 ball prediction thingys. Goals are worth .98, so the current poitnage is 36.4 to 37.7 recurring.*

LR: *700000054 to 13 on corners*

LR: *The numbers are getting silly and we had to add the ref to your total of course, so perhaps it’s best if you make your own score up for this half*

ME: *Feel like I’m there*

BD: *0-0 HT*

LR: *You have a goal*

ME: *Yessssssssssssssssssssssss. Unless you’re doing a joke. p.s I don’t geddit.*

LR: *Finishes that way, great game from both teams*

BD: *1-0 FT Hernandez! Typical little P goal. Very good game – Liverpool played very well but so did we. Thank fuck*

Rob (our Liverpool fan contributor):

Wish list for this season:

To compete for a Champions League place.

To be exciting to watch.

To defeat Utd. *BIG TICK* BIG SMILEY FACE*

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

This will be brief for obvious reasons. The week preceding this game I watched Sharknado (I’m a masochist. This might be my year) and whilst undoubtedly thrilled by this cinematic spectacle, it was also clearly the worse thing I’d ever seen. Enter the first half; a 45 minutes of pure, unadulterated rubbish, the sole highlight being I was able to imagine an actual boxing match between the Hulk and Thor AND score it round-by-round, complete with commentary/ringside interviews.

The second half was a marked improvement in as much as they didn’t score a second and we enjoyed the majority of the ball, albeit without really doing much with it. The reasons for this are now so well documented, I’m going to suggest it’s got something to do with either necromancy, the CIA or a club-wide malaise at the futility of the human condition. Its the midfield though.

Hulk won by technical K.O.

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Brett:

*a more long winded repeat of the Moto GP “joke” from the pre-match thing*

p.s I didn’t have the pleasure of watching the game. I do however have the pleasure of having Rob as a friend; who I know will be better and bigger than to say anything about this, when I see him tomorrow.

p.p.s The three results are the same as the same three last season, but just a different way around. So, you could say: Moyes can play manager the same as Fergie, just in the wrong order. Or not. Up to you. I’ll sit this one out.

p.p.p.s Also, he says things (Moyes) that don’t sound very convincing. When Fergie said something that didn’t sound convincing, it sounded convincing.

Banksy supports Bristol City *Pfffft*

A few years back I watched a cup match between Bristol City and Sheffield Wednesday and came to the conclusion that I could kick the ball up in the air and misplace passes and could run like Forest Gump, so why the flip wasn’t I playing out there? Obviously the scouting system in this country had failed me, how many others have been failed too? We actually had a scout living in my village and he got one of my mates in to the Southampton youth setup. Arguably I was as good as he and left footed to boot, but to my bitter chagrin I wasn’t even asked to be the teams poet laureate, even though I was displaying promising signs at school. At the time I thought that any day soon I would be scouted, that it was up to fate, but as I got older and uglier I realised that you have to fight to be a winner… but how much and at what cost?

Fast forward fifteen years and I’m playing in the Churches League, the lowest FA league. I’m not a Christian, but somehow managed to wangle my way in on the “potential to be converted” card. I had made the choice to join this fine league because my shins were beginning to look like Cassanova’s bed post and thought that people who play for Church teams were more likely than not to be good Christians who would joyfully part the defensive sea as I dribbled towards their goal. I couldn’t have been more wrong, in fact it was the Referees who performed the ministry of the lord, forgiving the players their foul sins as they hacked vicariously at my naivety. I had thrown myself to the lions! 

Over the course of my fifteen years of playing I had always prided myself in my attitude towards the officials, I would never utter a peep of criticism (well… I got a yellow for accusing one of being paid by the other team… but was suitably apologetic immediately after!) and felt like they should be able to enjoy the match as much as the next person. More often than not the refs would try their hardest to be accurate and fair. All this was to change for the worse. Our church team had a ref who had been their official since Genesis began, he spoke to everyone on a first name basis and on the face of it seemed like a decent enough old chap. But get him on the pitch and it was like he had a hatred for us that ran deeper than science itself. I argued with my team that we should get a new ref, but they were so into self-flagellation that they would rather keep losing than hurt his feelings. Anyway, it turned out that he was a man that could be swayed. Other teams would shout at him and as long as they didn’t swear or utter blasphemous remarks he would give them the advantage. To my embarrassment and shame, over the course of the two seasons I turned from a player of unquestionable integrity to one who was corrupt, angry and vocal. When Daniel was thrown to the lions he asked the god to save him, when I was thrown to the lions I just shouted at our god instead … and to a degree it worked. I quit football after that disappointed in myself and what I had become!

Do not use my name in vain!

Winning games against evenlyish matched opposition is about having the edge, gaining the advantage, maintaining a winning mentality, eating good quality oranges at half time and making sure the opposition goally is looking into the sun. So when Liverpool hit the woodwork lots of times (27) and squander most of their corners (324) it says to me that they don’t have the edge, they are close, but not Jack and Meg White close. However, I would rather it that way than winning by abusing the referee and conning him to give free kicks and penalties in 50/50 situations. As the league draws to a thrilling finale it’s still neck and neck between the two greatest penalty accumulators in the business. Whether it’s a trailed leg or an imaginary push or god forbid actual physical contact Young and Suarez have the ability to turn the innocuous into an incident of grave proportions. I feel the spirit of my game was destroyed by trying to gain the advantage in a questionable way and it was nice to hear Robbie Savage confessing his sins on MOTD2, saying how embarrassed he is for cheating. I wonder if players like Suarez and Young, Rooney and Gerrard will one day look back on their careers and acknowledge they made the game just that bit uglier by their simulation and bullying of officials.

Good heavens.

Questions for the field:

Is there anything any of you lot would like to confess to for redemption?

Big love to my big enemy.

Let's kiss and make up.

Ying-yang, heaven-hell, Barry Elliot-Paul Elliot and other dependent opposites have an important part to play in our understanding of the world. They divide the whole which makes things interesting and when things get interesting people tend to get upset. It’s the law of bi-polar. So it’s with great pleasure that as a Liverpool supporter I get to unite the halves for this bifocular Manc blog.

Ménage a trios as in the 433 are clearly an abomination to all respectable dualists who will have a similar concern about those who prefer to self-pleasure ( 4411)… so let’s start with the formation 442, which has been deployed in a number of Pool’s triumphs over their fiercest rivals. I believe we’re all agreed that the strongest pairings are of centre backs; full back and winger; centre midfielders; centre forwards. All but one of our Red (non-Devil) couples are newly-weds and on their respective honeymoons have had as many miss-connections as spontaneous moments of passion. One pair’s relationship is distinctly on the ropes; this is the proverbial dichotomy of Mars and Venus. They seem to speak different languages and they look weird too.

Other scousers have had problems with Venus and Mars...

The current ‘wizard’ of the Liverpool FC realm, Sir Dalg, sorry, Mr Dalglish is experimenting with the laws of nature and has found an anomaly. Having spent 10 to the power of {insert any number} more than my current salary on a pairing that looked to be a classic fit based on the circa 1971 Keegan-Toshack combo, critics have been quick to point out that Mr D’s current alchemy has produced something more closely linked to the circa 1962 Little and Large movement. However, whilst not hitting upon gold there is a mercurial quality to one of those players. The analogy goes something like this: Mercury is toxic. Mercury combines with other metal to provide an amalgam. The amalgam makes the mercury relatively inert (e.g. used in tooth fillings). But who wants an inert footballer? I would rather have a striker in deadly form, eh? Eh? No? I’ll leave the metaphors to the monkeys on typewriters from now on.

*Insert 'Robin' scouser joke here*

For me Suarez doesn’t need a strike partner, he’ll happily play a sublime pass through to himself, make runs off his runs and fight his own daemons. He’s his own partner. He unites the beautiful and the ugly, the true and the false, the bad and the good.

This leaves Dalglish in a quandary; what to do with the left over player… does he do the immoral and attach this man to another group, creating a triad, does he put him on his own up front to lead the line while Suarez flits randomly across the pitch or is there another option? So far he has experimented with 5 different players, although only one of them has been instructed to lead the line… Carroll. They have all performed well enough to get us third in the league for shots on goal, but not well enough as we are in the bottom 4 for shot accuracy. The other option was supposed to be Torres, bless his leaden boots, another player who enjoyed popping up here, there and everywhere (now shackled in a rigid, slow moving tactical nightmare). I think we will see another maverick striker bought in January who will contribute to the confusion I have regarding pairs.

Who put this sprinkler here!

So given that we need time for our couples to bed in and time for our forwards to stop groping around in the dark and pop their balls in the back of the net I think we are doing very well. We’ve been contenders in all games other than the Spurs one and could easily go on a good run playing Fulham, QPR, Villa, Wigan, Blackburn, before Newcastle on 30^th Dec. However, our star may be falling with Lucas out for the remains of the season and no experienced holding player as backup. Oh and Suarez potentially being banned for life if found guilty of racism. Dalglish has done a great job so far of galvanising the individuals into pairs and pairs into the whole but with our central-midfield disintegration and our striking discord our mettle shall most certainly be tested over the remaining two-thirds of a season.

In an unexpected move Suarez and Evra were forced to make up and become dance partners on Strictly Come Dancing.

[Honorable mentions should go to our relatively old couple, Agger and Skrtel and their exceptional performances at the back, and to our other ‘one’ Reina, who between them have created one of the most water-tight defences in the Premier League]

Questions for the field:

Our favourite opponents, United, appear to have three flair forwards in Rooney, Nani and Berbatov who like to drop deep to get the ball – reducing the threat up front. I’ve noticed that with Welbeck, Hernandez and Owen you have players who like to play up on the last man – have they managed to forge any partnerships with their flamboyant colleagues or do you have a similar dilemma as us?

Also, how well do you think your other partnerships in the team are getting on?

Big love to my big enemy.