(@Benglorious)

Remember that time we beat Chelsea because Herrera stood on top of their best player for the whole match like a tiny Spanish hat? Well, today we’re fucked because Ander’s only gone and got himself a terminal injury as per BT Sport’s insightful commentary team.

Maybe we could just try and beat them without resorting to cheating. Maybe we could just try scoring goals. Maybe we could just try scoring a goal. Maybe I could give Batman v Superman another chance.

Prediction: Mourinho and Conte to stop fighting and become friends because their mums have the same name. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Definitely looking forward to this game, especially our free-flowing and dynamic attacking play and all the goals those guys score. And hey, even if our magnificent attack has a rare off day, I’m sure our heroic and determined defence can resist any and all Chelsea attacks. Failing that, we can always blame/praise Paul Pogba. who may or may not be ill/getting a haircut

Twelve Monkeys (2015-2163)

Remember the film with Bruce Willis where he goes back in time to change the future? This is nothing like Looper. It is like that film where Bruce Willis goes back in time and changes the future but fails ie Twelve Monkeys. After that bit, it is nothing like Twelve Monkeys. Oh confused would we? Yes. Yes we would. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Marty McFly to be spinning in his futuristic grave pod, 0-0 stamped all over it. Nasri for Rooney. Use the word ‘Attack” more imho OMG am *I* a time-traveller?

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Jose Mourinho used to manage Chelsea. This simple fact, in and of itself, creates more material than a quasi-futuristic website can shake a polaroid picture at. Probably. Tbf both things sound made up: A dry expanse of water in the middle of London town?! And a Portuguese live sex show with a fire engine theme?! Both things have now aroused me.

Prediction: Maybe I’ll watch the whole back catalogue of Take That and Robbie Williams hits on YouTube, celebrating 20 years of Robbie from 1990 to 2010.  0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Can’t believe Stoke got a new manager today. Really can’t believe Stoke got a new manager at all. All I know about Paul Lambert is that he defeated the Kurgan and tasted that sweet, sweet Quickening.

Prediction: It’s a kind of magic. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I am not writing another preview until we sign Alexis Sanchez. If we never sign him, so be it. I am a man of principle.

I might write something later if I get time the above is just bullshit to satisfy the reader.

Downsizing (2018)

Matt Damon and a Nazi get really small. Like, really small. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals for Sanchez. Tears for Arsenal. Work for Tom. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Can’t believe the good people of that place famous cos of being where Robbie Williams is from sacked my 64th, sorry, sixty-fourth works better for my word count, favourite Welshman Mike Hughes?! At least he has the old electrical business to fall back on.

Imagine being famous for that. And pots. FTL.

Prediction: Hell is gone and heaven’s here there’s nothin’ left for you to fear. Shake your ass, come over here, now scream. Come on let me enter etc… 0-0 United.

That Arnautsausage goal was a banger. That’s funny cos his name is sausage and banger is a sausage in Stoketown. It stayed hit. And is now orbiting John Lewis. John Lewis wasn’t available for comment, cos he’s filming the new series of Lewis: A crime drama based on Inspector Morse’s dealings with the contractors from Auf Wiedersehen Pet, who fitted out his swimming pool in Europeland. Too soon. This MDMA is shit. Think I’m gonna do another one…

The other goal was pure comedy. Written by Russell Howard.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Stoke is the new Robbie Williams.

2) Robbie Williams isn’t dead. Yet.

3) Hans Solo is still dead – it wasn’t a joke or anything.

4) Who do we complain to about this?

5) Serious question; I want names.