Here’s 5 things we learned at the weekend:

1. We’re shit.

2. I cannot adequately express the rage I experience watching Wayne Rooney try and play football. It is embarrassing. He must know it’s embarrassing. Fuck off m8.

3. I think 1 & 2 covers it.

4. Tom covered it.

5. See 4.

Wayne Mark Rooney. Captain. Leader. Legend. 250 goals scored in a United shirt to take the record out of Sir Bobby Charlton’s skeletal grasp. To put that in perspective: If he played for another 36 years he’d have 1000 goals. That would almost make me forget about the two transfer requests. Almost. The problem is that, at his current rate of decline, in ten more years he’d be less useful on the pitch than a potato (mashed or jacket, your choice).

All joking aside, it truly is a fantastic achievement to become the all-time leading scorer for both your club and country, so our top football correspondents at Bifurcated are here to celebrate the Roondog’s milestone in our own inimitable fashion. Unbelievable stuff. Especially the two transfer requests. Cunt.

 (@Benglorious)

Favourooite Wayne:

Sleep.

m 

 (@tom_mcghee)

Favourooite Wayne goal moment: 

That one where he did that boxing celebration after. Lovely sense of humour.

m

Favourooite Wayne goal: 

That one where he chipped it.

m

Favourooite Wayne Quote:

That one where he threatened to put himself to sleep (little girl)

That one about the Everton the beatles come together leg

That one when he realised Whitney was gone.

m

Favourooite Wayne hairline:

2004.

m

Favourooite Wayne transfer request: 

Chelsea. Cunt.

m

m 

 (@bifurcated_utd)

m

Favourooite Wayne goal moment: 

Scoring on his debut for Beijing Guoan in July 2017.

m

Favourooite Wayne goal: 

The one where we were all like ‘lol @ Rooney’, and then he did a kicked it in the nets and we were all like ‘lol @ Rooney’.

FIN

not by Rooney