Lol cos Brett’s in P etc

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: 

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Prediction: 

 M

(@bifurcated_utd)

Still in Poland sucks to be you.

Prediction: see above.

m

(@Benglorious)

It was my job this week to look up what ‘Albion’ meant. So, today we are playing Brighton and Past Tense of Heave England or Britain. No wonder nobody likes them.

Prediction: Ole makes it seven out of seven in a seven goal drubbing of poor old Brighton. Mourinho takes the credit. 0 – 0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Why is my face still Rooney? Who the fuck knows but I’m pretty sure these two jerkoffs are to blame.

I don’t know where Brighton & Hove is and I don’t care to (side note: I had to look up ‘to or too’ as I’m old and had forgotten – this’ll happen to you when you hit 40 – and the first explanation told me ‘two’ is also pronounced ‘to’ but can’t be used as it was a number who knew lol)

Titans (2019)

Robin has left batman (he was always the little spoon) and become a police cop. Through his detective cop filth narc work he makes friends with some guys with badass powers (one can turn into a green tiger better camouflage in North America imho) and they have adventures and also Krypto Superdog is in it. I liked it. That aside etc

Prediction: 8-0 to us thats how confident i am rn

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Have Hove dropped off the map? This researcher says ‘Yes’. Their Wikipedia page has been deleted. Google Maps fails to find them and the new AA Road map has a blank hole where the once great town of Hove used to be. This conurbation conspiracy goes right to the very top. Chris ‘Leland Palmer’ Houghton has some questions to answer. And this researcher won’t stop untiOh wait… internet signal had dropped. Wikipedia page is there. And there they are on Google maps. That hole in the AA road map was where I had cut eye holes for my detective work. Drat.

Prediction: Glenn Murray to postpone any goals this week out of respect for Andy Murray. lol cos of last week’s predictions. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Brighton will be out for revenge today after United beat them in the 1983 FA Cup final which also saw them relegated from the old First Division. The rules were different back then.

Prediction: Pogba to continue his 100% record of being in the news, Sanchez to prove he’s the new Rooney rather than the old Rooney he’s been since he got here. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I quite like Brighton and I reckon they’ve probably had a lovely summer.

Disenchantment (2018)

Have only watched the first four but at the minute it’s like if the writers of the Simpsons came together with the writers of Futurama and made something a lot less funny than both. Like Ridley and his increasingly horrible attempts to re-do Alien.

Prediction: Ridley Scott to come at Bifurcated like the spent force he is, batters Brett. Let’s say 2-1 United in the football – I just hope Mourinho vs Pogba is the main talking point.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Geno thought these losers had been relegated last season. As for BrightoBAHAHAHAHAHAHA just a little a joke to get you all juiced up for the other two beige cunts above (Ed – everyone knows we read Brett first) (Paul- not sure Ed would say that tbh). But seriously how the fuck are Brighton evOh well, we’ll just have to beat them handsomely like we did last year and the year before that if they were even in the league or even a registered team either of those times if anyone knows or cares bite my banger.

Speaking of bangers did you see Roondawg in the America M&S?!! With his vroom-boom-pow! What a dickless dick.

Prediction: Brighton to turn up at Leyton Orient and play out a goalless draw in the league they deserve. Which is even more embarrassing cos they were actually playing Yeovil Town at home. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

It’s always great playing West Ham, especially fifteen times in three weeks. Sometimes we even beat them. Except when Blackburn won the league that one time. Ask your dad. Or Paul. Whichever one actually remembers. Paul.

Prediction: Rooney to score from anywhere up to 70 yards away but only if he plays. Martial to do a madness and Zlatan to kick the ref’s face off. The goal stands. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

I preferred football when it was just three, sometimes four games a year, back in the days when if a player even thought about using any part of his boot except the laces to score a goal he’d have been executed by firing squad.

Prediction: Mkhitaryan to score one using his ballbag. 1-0 United.

m

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

So long as we don’t give David Moyes the satisfaction of being able to talk some abso bull shit about some abso bull shit then who really cares.

Prediction: We give David Moyes the satisfaction of being able to talk some abso bull shit about some abso bull shit. 0-0 United.

Lols @ Sanchez Rooneying his penalty like a true Red Leg.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. The Last Jedi was a film I saw instead.

2. M8 don’t get me started Snoke was a good character imho lol.

3. I liked how they used the Force as social media.

4. The gorilla AT-ATs were also good. As was Luke deciding to just kill his nephew in his sleep, deffos like Luke and the Jedi imho nqat ffs I was enjoying today.

5. Fuck you both.. I had gone 2 months and 1 day without spoilers and was going to watch it tonight.

(@Benglorious)

Another Derby match. Let’s hope Andross Townsend behaves in a respectful manner this time unless he wants to wake up on Mourinho’s hotel room floor.

Prediction: United to put out a full-strength squad, showing this great competition the respect it deserves. Something Andross Townsend would know nothing about. Lukaku to stay on for one more season at the behest of Uncle Lars. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

My preview will be in the medium of performative dance. I will need a basic stage/lighting set-up and £8000.

It (1990)

In the spirit of something I wanted to watch the original It movie, starring Tim Curry as Pennywise the clown. Imagine my surprise when I found that this movie did not exist. What I ended up watching was the It mini-series, starring Tim Curry as Pennywise the clown. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Mkhitaryan to finally step up and show us his level. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

It hardly seems fair that we have to play Everton AND Liverpool at the same time. Has anyone asked the F.A to justify this injustice of injustices? Is it 22 players against 11? Do they have to play with a handicap? i.e Rooney. Has anyone seen my ‘Calvin Classics’ I got for Christmas? I left them under the tree and now don’t have a clue where they are.

Prediction: Benno to still be shitting through a sieve. If the curse I bought off that fella down the pub is worth the bar mat it’s written on. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learnt:

1. Even without some of our first choice players I find it very difficult to believe that United can catch us now.

2. But you’rOh!! It’s a joke!

3. If you have dinner and miss the game the result seems better because you didn’t watch all the bad football.

(@Benglorious)

After I celebrated the dawning of the new year with a glass of apple juice and some dry crackers, I am actually looking forward to today’s game. Not having had anything with any flavour in it for the last few days has given me a true appreciation for Jose Mourinho’s approach to football. Here’s to more of the same in 2018, especially the shitting myself to death part.

Prediction: Things to only get better lol. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I have very good feelings about playing against ex-United legend, and club record-goalscorer Wayne Rooney. Very good feelings indeed. Yes. Very good.

Schitt’$ Creek (2015- )

Although not quite the natural successor to Arrested Development as was promised, this Canadian comedy still has enough charm, humour, and dysfunction to help kill a whole day when you’re lying ill on the sofa.

Prediction: Roonsquad to do a Roonsquad. Rash to be life. Martial to do a madness. I don’t even know what any of this means any more. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Sorry for the spoiler lads, but I know how this one ends: Wayne and Big Sam licking gravy off each other’s tits.

Prediction: See above. 0-0 United.

 @Benglorious)

Do you remember when we had Rooney and it was good? Do you also remember when we had Rooney and it was bad? Do you remember the time, when we fell in love? Do you remember the time? Remember the Titans? These are all things that can be remembered. As will Rooney’s winning goal for Everton today. I miss him.

Prediction: Lukaku to freak out Ewok nuts by levitating his annoying robot servant in the ultimate display of blasphemy. 4-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I am at a christening because if there’s one thing in this world that I love above all else, it’s religious babies.

Prediction: Roonsquad to do that thing he does that we’re glad he does for Everton and not us anymore. 2-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I am in Poland again because I love kielbasa and also I don’t know any other countries.

Prediction: Goals for Robert Lewandowski, Frédéric Chopin and Pope John Paul II. 0-0 United.