Wayne Mark Rooney. Captain. Leader. Legend. 250 goals scored in a United shirt to take the record out of Sir Bobby Charlton’s skeletal grasp. To put that in perspective: If he played for another 36 years he’d have 1000 goals. That would almost make me forget about the two transfer requests. Almost. The problem is that, at his current rate of decline, in ten more years he’d be less useful on the pitch than a potato (mashed or jacket, your choice).

All joking aside, it truly is a fantastic achievement to become the all-time leading scorer for both your club and country, so our top football correspondents at Bifurcated are here to celebrate the Roondog’s milestone in our own inimitable fashion. Unbelievable stuff. Especially the two transfer requests. Cunt.

 (@Benglorious)

Favourooite Wayne:

Sleep.

m 

 (@tom_mcghee)

Favourooite Wayne goal moment: 

That one where he did that boxing celebration after. Lovely sense of humour.

m

Favourooite Wayne goal: 

That one where he chipped it.

m

Favourooite Wayne Quote:

That one where he threatened to put himself to sleep (little girl)

That one about the Everton the beatles come together leg

That one when he realised Whitney was gone.

m

Favourooite Wayne hairline:

2004.

m

Favourooite Wayne transfer request: 

Chelsea. Cunt.

m

m 

 (@bifurcated_utd)

m

Favourooite Wayne goal moment: 

Scoring on his debut for Beijing Guoan in July 2017.

m

Favourooite Wayne goal: 

The one where we were all like ‘lol @ Rooney’, and then he did a kicked it in the nets and we were all like ‘lol @ Rooney’.

FIN

not by Rooney

Rashdawg utilised a loophole in matchday squad/substitution administration to circumvent Jose’s ageist regime and hammerlegended it.

Roonsquad utilised a loophole in his 30 year decline to provide the assist that Rashdawg himself would have been proud of. Apart from the scuffed cross bit that fluked its way through to Rashdawg. And the hair.

Here’s 5 things we learned ‘under the rain':

1) Rash is life.

2) Not a rash like that time I came back from Thailand.

3) I’m proper fucked I’ll try tomorrow.

4) Can’t wait.

5) Literally didn’t wait.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Another Wednesday night, another replay. Not the good kind of replay like seeing Carlos Alberto’s goal in the 1970 World Cup final again, or getting a free ball on the pinball, or that episode of Murder, She Wrote that had the headless horseman in it, or when United played West Ham again after a tepid 1-1 draw at Old Trafford. Wait. Wish I’d just copied and pasted an old preview now. That’s what a winner would do.

Opposition Summary: West Ham are situated in the West of Ham. They are due to move to the old Olympic stadium at the end of the season even though they didn’t even compete in the Olympics. Maybe the original winner of the stadium did a naughty with the drugs and juice and that. The Hammers play in a sort of purple shirt with blue bits on it. It’s not a proper purple like what proper purple looks like but there’s no word I can find that best describes that particular shade. Maybe liver. 

Prediction:  Goals for the returning Roonsquad and the recurring Rashdawg ensure an easy progression to the next round for the bestest manager we’ve ever had or ever will. No, you shut up. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I love replays.

With almost innumerable column inches being written over United’s latest debacle, it seems that even for Bifurcated, the silliness is over, the time for jokes long gone. With a manager so inept he is only outshone by his employer, the idea of the club in crisis is becoming a reality with seemingly no-one available to comment or arrest the slide – lose today and all chances of a trophy this season are effectively over. On the off chance he’s reading, here are 4 things Louis can do IMMEDIATELY to save our season:

1. Any old iron – Put piles of scrap iron all round OT; hopefully their light-fingered fans will purloin said items and scarper, leaving less support for their team.

2. Roll out some barrels – according to cockney law, any player in West Ham colours will have to stop playing and deal with said barrels

3. Do a Lambeth walk – If all our fans adopt this strange custom en route to OT, the Irons might think they’re still in London and hurry to the train to make KO

4. Hold Chas N Dave to ransom

The Terminator (1984)

Written and Directed by James Cameron, this is so much better than all the others (T2 excluded) that I’m genuinely embarrassed for the losers who made the last one. ‘Would you go in back in time and kill Hitler?’ but in this case Hitler is good and a woman and a waitress and its the time-traveller who is bad and also a robot with skin over it and the answer is ‘yes’. I think Futurama did it. Anyway, bad robot comes back to kill good waitress and her future which is mother of the new Jesus. All makes sense, Arnie is a beast and Michael Biehn rules all as Reese. I’m glad they destroyed this movie with the new one. Fucking clown shoes.

Prediction: Benno to get the Zuko virus (it mutates to create small-headed 50s greasers) and us all to laugh. Numerous clips to be shown of Di Canio doing (the) Barthez. Nice atmos altogether really. LvG to finally crack and just start doing lines off his arm. 1-1, Rooney brace.

.

Brett(@ttackattackattack)

So, this is it. Louis van Gaal’s last chance to blah blah etc. Tbh he could win the quadruple this year and last year, playing the United way all throughout, and he still wouldn’t win me back around. No sir. He’s had his chance card and he’s going directly to jail, and if he’s thinking of passing Go, he’s collecting that £200 over Benno’s dead body. Actually, might patent that format and create a board game, and name it after that one-dimensional plank we have for a manager: Mono-ply.

I personally much prefer replays to the original games. Not sure why the Football Associationers don’t scrap the tired playing the original game first format and simply play the replays first, and if that’s a draw, THEN playing the original game at some point afterwards, to decide the outcome; instantly doing away with the unnecessary fixture pile up. Wait. Wish I’d just copied and pasted an old preview now. That’s what a winner would do.

Prediction: Roonboing is back and so there’s that to really really really look so forward to, that we end up looking back on ourselves from the future and kind of turning ourselves inside out from the eyes to death. Probably be less painful than what is going to happen irl tbh. 0-0 United.