(@Benglorious)

If we all cast our collective minds back, we’ll remember that a previous injury crisis gave a first team debut to a certain young Marcus Rashford, who has since gone on to cement his place as one of the most exciting attacking talents in Europe. Unfortunately, he’s injured so we’re fucked.

Prediction: Me to waste a good prediction by writing Tom’s before my own. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Will not be doing words to show solidarity with our injured players who will also not contribute anything to tonight’s game.

Prediction: Six more players to get injured in the first eight seconds. Oh, what’s that? It’s only Fellaini, parachuting in, Roy of the Rovers-style, to try and save our season. We forfeit the match. 3-0 Palace.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Ole, having proved he can get results against everyone apart from one of the three best teams in Europe right now, is I’m sure abso shitting himself going in to yet another big test of his credentials against Crystal Palace, who are so inconsistently bad, that they can’t even lose to or beat themselves.

Prediction: Crystal Palace to lose to and beat themselves. 0 – 0 United. 

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: Below is an idiot. They know what he looks like. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

No words today due to the Academy’s shameful lack of recognition for Thor. For shame.

Prediction: Repost to above: He’s had a haircut. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m not doing words cos it’s us playing against a team even worse at football than us.

Prediction: 0-0 United.

R*zero*y H*zero*dgs*zero*n, more like !! L*zero**zero**zero**zero**zero**zero**zero*l !!

Here’s 5 things we have observed from our observing:

1. 4-0 is the new orange is the new black

2. What about the other games?**

3. Why are you still alive?

4. Fuck you, cunt.

5. Haven’t watched it yet and had dodged the score all day, much like that legendary episode of What happened to the likely lads?, cheers cunts.

** This question refers to our recent lack of reviews: now available online at Bifurcated.co.uk/Bennoisawettowel

 @Benglorious)

Crystal Palace have never won at Old Trafford in the Premiership League. Their new manager, Roy Hodgson, has never won at Old Trafford in the Premiership League. This season, United have won all three games at Old Trafford in the Premiership League, scoring ten goals. Palace haven’t scored a single goal this season in the Premiership League, and have set the record for the worst ever recorded start. Nailed on 1-0 Palace.

 m

Prediction: Lukaku to ignore his physio’s advice and enter the cave. Poor metaphor ensues. 4-0 United despite what I said earlier.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Formed in 1982 after the Crystal was broken, Palace are evil, always trying to stop the last remaining Gelfling help the peaceful Mystics from fixing said Crystal that once provided balance to the universe. They haven’t won a game all season.

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Jen – the last surviving Gelfling OR IS HE – is raised by the noble Mystics (hippies) and must find the lost shard of the Dark Crystal, a powerful jem that once provided balance to the universe. Jen believes he can somehow fuse this shard back onto the crystal (showing he knows nothing about crystals imho) and bring peace back to his world. He’s right (proving the creative team knew nothing about crystals). He also finds a girlfriend, foreshadowed by my great ‘OR IS HE’ line, earlier. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Brett to be kicked out of editing by me, me to laugh a lot.  Roy Hodgson.

m

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Having returned from Poland and just written all the game reviews from when I was away  – cos them two parasites are so “busy” wasting all of our lives all day on twitter to waste all of our lives on the website they are paid handsomely to actually waste all of our lives on – I have run out of a joke.*

*See my great ‘sick in a car park’ in Poland a joke on our review bit. *Content Warning – contains extremely great a joke*

Prediction: Tom to laugh a lot for kicking me out of editing, but the joke to be on him cos he’s for tools. 0-0 United.

We all saw the match, we all saw Hodgson throw himself off a pre-arranged cliff and we all saw Alan Shearer versus Danny Baker in the I’m The Most Disappointed England Fan-off, but have you seen what some of the brightest football minds of our generation thought about plucky England’s capitulation? Please let us know when you have, but in the meantime here’s five things we learned:

1) England

2) Are

3) Fucking

4) Clown

5) Shoes

Except for El Rashissimo

*That’s funny cos the middle bit where it says ‘Week Uno’ is in white, so you can’t see what it says. What it says, I guess we’ll never know.

This isn’t just a lazy/crass cut and paste of our “best” Twitter bits…

It is. Bite us.

“I despaired when Brett, who shall remain nameless, said we had to do this review, but that was only until I realised how little effort was required. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A perfect summer blockbuster!! Would read again.” – B. Glorious, LA Times

“Can’t believe that Brett, who shall remain nameless, didn’t even take the time to embed the tweets in the hope of maximising our #numbers, thus clinching that big money sponsorship from a bookmaker’s that every internetter craves. That aside, pretty good.” – T. McGhee, Exchange & Mart

“You’re all fucking idiots.” – P. R. Antcast, Guns & Ammo

Welbeck has one ‘L’ of a problem with ‘greedy’ Lallana.

When it was announced earlier this week that both Andros Townsend and Michael Carrick would be returning from International duty to their respective employers, as a result of minor knocks picked up during England training, no-one thought anything of it… but that was one ‘L’ of a mistake…

Tensions frayed, earlier this week, when Danny Welbeck and Calum Chambers were reading the Metro on the bus on the way into training and noticed England teammates Gary Cahill and Adam Lallana were ‘carrying a spare’. The pair were left stunned by the shocking discovery and it proved too much for the young England stars to stomach; as both have been singled out and ridiculed for the overwhelming lack of the letter ‘L’ in their respective names, since birth.

Roy Hodgson has never hidden his preference for ‘Non-‘L’ers’, in handing Wayne Rooney, and before him, Steven Gerrard, the England captaincy, but it was assumed, by F.A bosses and experts, that the appointment of Gary Neville (a Two-‘L’er) – as a balance – had eased any lingering tension. Unfortunately the animosity between the One-‘L’ers, Non-‘L’ers, Two-‘L’ers and Surplus-‘L’ers, is yet again threatening to split the England dressing room in four!

When Michael Carrick a fellow One-‘L’er, and father figure to the young One-‘L’ers in the squad, confronted Cahill and Lallana, Towsend (a Non-‘L’er) stepped in: the violent scenes that erupted left the dressing room needing a really good tidy up.

A source said, “Rooney’s degenerative condition in his knees … no wait, you were asking me about ‘L’s in players names … I’m sorry you’ve lost me. That makes no sense.”

As you list the players that have gone down in the history books as the greatest players ever in the history books of history, it’s clear to see players with ‘L’s come out on top, if you ignore approximately half of them, Maradona, Eric Cantona, Cruyff etc… and just consider the ones that substantiate the theory that this is a real serious issue: Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pele etc…

Either way it’s abundantly clear, it’s an ‘L’ of a problem for Roy and he needs to learn how to deal with it fast!

*Group hug*

If you want your team to do well in the face of adversity, football snobs will inevitably label you an imbecile – an unreasonable and unpleasant supposition. Unfortunately, they are loud and assertive, and generally armed with facts, statistics and logic to back up their conceited taunting. But that still doesn’t mean you have to listen.

Cynical football fans paint hope as a negative; an evil that distorts reality. They readily accuse fans who were hoping for better as delusional. It’s a wholly unsavoury way of attacking people they see as inferior to themselves. Yes, delusional behaviour is largely ignorant, and yes, hope isn’t necessarily aligned with truth, but in the context of football – an entertainment business, as it now exists – does it really do any actual harm to enjoy getting lost in the moment? Does the Universe irrevocably collapse if you allow yourself to be swept along by the euphoria of exultant shared joy?

When you’re feeling great, hope is the catalyst to better things. When you’re feeling terrible, it offers you a crumb of comfort. It’s emotions like Hope and Love that stimulate and inspires us to act. Reason and rationale have their place in the grander scheme of things, but in relation to football they will have us seated, contemplating defeat and expecting very little, if not nothing: an altogether unhealthy way to approach things.

Whether anyone genuinely believed England had a chance of competing in these Euros (or in any major tournament), is irrelevant in many ways. It still doesn’t make it clear why it becomes necessary, or fair, to piss on anyone else’s chips. As individuals we are all free to create our own realities, as long as we are sincerely considerate of the effects it may have on others. I haven’t been on Wikipedia to check this out, but I’m quite confident that very few people (if any) have suffered unbearable hardship from an over-exposure to misguided enthusiasm.

Some people’s enjoyment of football is based largely around the ridiculing of others, which I think is really sad (in both senses of the word). There’s also a lot of people who want to “own” football, well listen up,  you can’t have it. Not my bit anyway.

If you’re not enjoying football, hoping beyond hope and all expectation, that your veteran striker might still have that one big performance left in his creaking knees; or that your questionable second keeper might actually be able to keep out the league’s top scorers; or your team can reverse the four goal deficit on the last day of the season and avoid relegation; or that your national team can forget all that’s gone before and finally win a damned penalty shoot out, then in my eyes you’re the ones doing it all wrong – not those that have the audacity to dream.

*Insert England player of your choice here*