Another game, another point proven, made, gotten and proven. Did we say proven? We’ve forgotten the point. In this game, again, The Universe provided us with irrefutable evidence that the baddies always win, so ultimately what’s the point in remembering points anyway, if you get our point…

Just realised Schneiderlin reminds me of an old friend, Andy. Wonder what that guy is up to? Wonder if he’s forgiven me yet for sleeping with his girlfriend. He was always a stickler for tradition. Great times. Might give him a FB poke like it’s olden times…

.

Here’s 5 things we’ve learned this weekend:

a) Tom is a flash in the pan fancy boy.

B) Drawing is better than losing.

3) Painting is better than drawing.

d) Shoes are Wayne but Wayne was also the match.

5) We’re disgusted Vardy is mentioned in the same breath as Ruud Van Horeilface.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Rather cleverly, Brett has put a video in his bit that won’t play on my computer so I can’t ruin/steal his joke. This makes me think he’s got an adult to help him which is clearly against the rules that I just thought of. I also can’t ruin/steal Tom’s jokes because I have to ghostwrite his like some sort of writing ghost. How do ghosts even write if they can’t touch anything? Maybe they dictate to some sort of monster with fingers. I’ve forgotten my point.

m

Opposition summary: CSKA Moscow are the only team in the European League of Champions that I can’t think of a joke for because my dinner’s ready. 

Prediction:  Chicken and vegetables in a tomato and basil sauce with steamed rice and a cool glass of blackberry & apple squash. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Won’t have time, tonight or for Saturday – flat out at the minute pals

I’m sure YOU’LL come up with something pal

Plumbing on a Saturday? You? Something ain’t right here

Glol x

At WBA game innit

CLASS TRAITOR

WE TAKE THE PISS OUT OF FOOTBALL WE DON’T GO TO ACTUAL MATCHES

I’m going ironically

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Four Martial goals per minute until the end of time as we know it. 1-o Sunderland.

Prediction: 

 .

 Brett (@tendencytoleaveyouneedingasewingkitforyoursides)

Three correct predictions in a row for me and that one up there, with the joke stealing face. If we get four in a row, then everyone who reads this wins at life. Apart from Benno and Tom.

I decided to do some re: search for this crucial, makey breaky, high-pressure … I’m gonna say … game?

The only thing on the whole of the internet about ‘Moscow’ was this music video below*, so I’m starting to doubt whether Moscow isn’t just a banter. Also, tbh, the young lady in the video isn’t even singing about Moscow, but another place called Moscau:

*Strangely enough, if you listen carefully, you can hear a baby alien crying out for a Michael (presumably Carrick). Maybe it’s a sign from a parallel Universe, who don’t have a clue what they’re talking about, to play him…?

Prediction: Danny with his custard and ice cream. Don’t tell Wenger. Hashtag Vangle out, out. As in, in. 0-0 United.

Mar Seal used his head, shoulders, knees and toes, apart from his shoulders and toes and with a bit of one of his hands to influence the game at both ends, like in the Lighthouse Family’s remix of the classic song from 80s birthday parties. If you didn’t know we were Maverick writerers, you’d think we make this up as we punch the keybaord.

Points are good in Europe. This is a good point. I don’t know anymore.

.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Schneirderlin is more french than the Suchet brother who doesn’t read the news, who isn’t actually Belgian.

2) Daley still can’t outrun even himself, even with a two hour head start.

3) Rooney needs two armbands.

4) And a float.

5) Bend at the knees, Spell with ease.

6) Die Hard: fantastic 1980s all-action film seeing John McClane (Bruce Willis) get trapped inside a very tall building with like some really bad guys (they are actually not quite as bad as you think but I won’t ruin it) ON CHRISTMAS EVE??!! That said, pretty good. Doesn’t know Mad Max.

7-9) Wayne Rooney. Inexplicably restored to lead striker for the last two matches, poor Wayne looks so off the pace that Martial almost seems to be taking the piss out of him. Yes, he still shows the effort and desire that he always has, but given the actual goals Martial has scored i.e. all of them, surely he either has to up his game with a glorious 20 goal swansong or accept that his time as No.1 is up and join Stevie G. Louis probably won’t read this to be fair.

10) learn how to spell Keybaord.

11) That CSKA manager sure does love Status Quo.

10a) Spelled it just like you did, Margaret.

Here’s 5 things we learned from this weekend:

1) Annette Kellerman was the first actress to perform a nude scene on film.

4) Herrera is life.

3) That Wayne Rooney though.

A) Team

2) It’s actor.

0.5) Real fans don’t charge real fans to go to the match. Unless they’re real real fans.

6) Life is wasted on people.

  Benno (@Benglorious)

Bit gutted there’s not more international football to be quite flipping honest with you in all seriousness. There’s nothing better in my opinion than watching world-class players try and raise the games of those around them and ultimately fail.

m

Opposition summary: Everton are the best team in the Premiership League that sound like an eternal weight.

Prediction: Rooney’s back!! YAY!! I’ve forgotten my point. 0-0 United.

m

Once United’s French midfielder got over his shock at finding me in his loft, we laughed for ages and then he told me that his favourite things are Ex On The Beach, gold, and the musical stylings of Harry Connick Jr:

m

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Thought it was still International break. That Wayne Rooney though.

Prediction:  4 servings of Goal Pie, Martial to get all 3.

.

  Brett (@thesameplaceaslastweektonightmaybeyouallwrotetheaddressdownwronglaydeez?)

Last time we played Everton I did a joke, but have gone off jokes of late. There’s these two people who have ruined the concept of jokes for me. Oh, it’s just some guys. It’s just two people I know. No, you don’t know them. No, it’s not Ted and Bob. Why would you think that? It’s not. Okay, let’s take this into DMs so they can’t read this…

*insert manager from opposition* would still like to see improvements from his squad of players, but will have, without doubt, aspects he can be pleased with; not least the form of *insert player for specific* who has been performing consistently well of late. ****Remember to delete this paragraph when you can’t be arsed to look up the opposition you scrumptious maverick*****

I used up all my gold in a tweet to Benno late last night. So go brew yourself a mug of disappointment and spill it down your stupid neck that’s not reeled in.

Prediction: Danny with his Cushing’s disease experiments – ongoing. I got a promotion at work laydeez, so now I’m an even bigger dog than before, with enough cheddar for half your drinks and a packet of crisps. By the way do you split the crisp packet and open it up for the table to share, or not do that? I just don’t really like that. So, if you could not do that. Those old people won’t be around this week – what’s with them pretending to be my Mum and Dad? I’ll be at the same place as last week. Oh yeah, football … John Murder to add another group of defencerers to his kill list. 0-0 United

m

 Benno (@Benglorious)

LADS LADS LADS IT’S CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

qualifiers

I went to Brugge once.  I didn’t.  I saw In Bruges (2008) once.  Are they the same place?  I guess we’ll never know.  All we do know is that Brugge is an anagram of ‘bugger’ and In Bruges is an anagram of ‘Colin Farrell is a nob’.

Opposition Summary:  Club Brugge Koninklijke Voetbalvereniging, also referred to as just Club Brugge, is a football club based in Bruges in Belgium. It was founded in 1891 and its home ground is the Jan Breydel Stadium, which has a capacity of 29,472.Wikipedia

1. Arena/Stadium: Jan Breydel Stadium
2. Location: Bruges
3. League: Belgian Pro League
4. Manager: Michel Preud’homme
5. Founded: November 13, 1891, Bruges, Belgium
6. Chairman: Bart Verhaeghe

Prediction:  Double pivots aplenty as Vangle looks to ensure United’s progression in the Champions League.  Expect lots of Falcao references and look out for the Di Maria Easter Eggs!!  0-0 United.

m

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I went to Bruges once. And I’ve seen In Bruges twice (once by choice, once when it was just on and even though you’ve got the DVD you just watch it anyway because the alternative is like Rogue Traders and the bloke who presents it makes you want to kill). To be honest, if you’ve seen the film you don’t really need to bother.

I would’ve guessed at 1892 anyway.

Prediction: Rooney actually eats Shaw as his body mass threatens to usurp his position as Captain Pies. This counts as 3 goals or doesn’t. 4-0 United.

m

m

  Brett (@GarethgatingSue)

Who is this? Nasri for Rooney Disappointed with no Di Maria (again!) Falcao is like that tin of etc Other tired jokes we do a lot (three, I think)

Brett definitely wrote this.

Prediction: Manned space travel to Jupiter by 2022. 2-0 United, Di Maria brace.

m

Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.