(@Benglorious)

I have a friend named Lee and if someone told me to burn him it would be far less painful than watching United. I don’t really have a friend named Lee but I would burn him just for this joke. Burnley, Brighton, who gives a fuck? Currently, we couldn’t beat a twitter 6-a-side team, but tbf those must actually be pretty good due to the amount they’re mentioned.

Prediction: Boos, cheers, gasps, laughter, horror. Just like the West End musical classic, Cats, by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Tickets available at your local Spar. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I’m not writing a preview because of food or something.

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The Sopranos (1999-2007)

Some very rude Italians eat a lot of food. That aside, pretty good.

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Prediction: Martial and Pogba to do the good thing they’re paid to do unless they don’t do that and still get paid. Win-win imho. 0-0 United

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(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m pleased to report that my herpes did not flare up, and I did not shit myself, though that is probably down to the fact that we didn’t take the lead at any point, or witness an equaliser from Spurs. The pub did laugh at my tiny wiener when Tottenham scored the winner, but that was because the helicopter impression I was performing was hilariously retitled the chinook by Mild Andy the angry barkeep. But that’s another story about the incident in the genetic mutation laboratory for another day.

Now all the Mourinho and Paul Pogba nonsense has blown over we can concentrate on the football.

Prediction: With Burnley having rubbed shoulders with Europe’s elite and experienced the highs of drawing at home to a team with a made up name, I predict a match with the outcome decide by goals and/or a lack of.  0-0 United.

If only we could think of a way of getting our hands on a player like Alexis Sanchez, and getting rid of players like Mkhitaryan.

Here’s the five things we learned:

1. Got Anthony Hopkins interested in my Lambs idea.

2. Disappointing debut for Sanchez imho but Mkhitaryan had a good game.

3. I didn’t watch it tbh.

4. @ me out of this.

5. No.

(@Benglorious)

There are three things about transfer sagas that I can’t stand:

1. Transfer sagas

United play Burnley today in what the press are calling The Thriller In Manila Or Something Similar. Let’s hope it lives up to the billa Ing.

Prediction:  Goals for both Dyche and Mourinho in a classic stalemate. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I believe I made my position clear last game: no Sanchez no words. Literally the only highlight of this whole boring saga imho.

Burnley, Barnsley, Bolton and Bury are all the same place to me and I’m not even sorry.

Battlestar Galactica (1978/2004)

Can’t remember if I’ve done this before but then nobody else does either and it doesn’t even matter because it has nothing to do with football and all to do with what I was watching last (Battlestar Galactica).

Ignoring the Bonanza years (lol ask yer da), BSG is five seasons of awesome TV. Assuming the creative team behind it are reading this – why wouldn’t they –  here are some great ideas for future spin-offs $1million please:

An imprisoned Cylon serial killer helps a young FBI agent catch another serial killer – Cylonce of the Lambs

A Cylon intergalactic hitchhiker has more adventures in a sequel – Cylon and thanks for all the fish

A tragic tale of doomed romance involving a Cylon woman abandoned by her human lover – Miss Cylon

Thank-you for your time

Prediction:  Mhkitaryan hat-trick. 2-0 United, Sanchez brace

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(@bifurcated_utd)

There’s another league in the world – it’s not all just EPL this and EPL that – and I am going to enjoy a match between two teams you will have never have heard of because they don’t play in your precious EPL: Bristol Ramblers and Bradford County.

Prediction: Real football. No mind games. No eating worms. No VAR. No diggity. No doubt. 0-0 United.

Another day, another 0-0 thrashing dealt out by the Mighty All Blanks! Looking forward to us introducing the Daba before matches, to psyche out opponents.

Jose genuinely proved how much he genuinely cares about football by getting himself genuinely sent to the stands for being genuinely angry about the football he still genuinely cares so much about. Genuinely.

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Here’s 5 things we learned from drawings:

1. Didn’t watch it.

2. Never gonna watch it.

3. My ‘@ me out of this’ from last time still stands.

4. We need to hire a sniper.

5. I didn’t actually think it was *that* bad: Burnley made no effort to play/we stopped them playing, we battered them incessantly second half and if Tom Heaton played like a human, it’d’ve been 4 or 5 nil.

6. Mourinho out.

7. I can’t believe one of you RTd a cake thing after haranguing me for the Xbox great idea.