Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Ole said we can’t control results or outcomes. Someone should explain to him what the manager’s job is imho.

2. Was hoping Paul Pogba might decide it’s not so bad and be good. Damn my foolish hopes.

3. They have a player called Hojbjerg but it’s pronounced hoover. If his nickname isn’t J Edgar shut down the club.

4. What has happened to Marcus Rashford? This is more of a question than a learn but we can’t all be scientists all the time.

5. Painting a deck is more fun than this.

6. I agree with all the above, apart from points 1 to 6.

(@Benglorious)

I’d already given up by the time I got home from work last Friday, and this was only the third match. Saturday came, but I was not invested. At about 5 o’clock, habit, that relentless masochist, had me checking the score. Interesting enough to raise an eyebrow, but not interesting enough to chip away the ever more predictable ennui that had settled over my entire body like grave dirt.

Sunday was a new day but the pervasive feeling of resignation had not lifted. When you’re successful, it’s easy to accept defeat even if it does leave a bad taste in the mouth. When you’ve been mediocre for a long period of time, defeat is a more accepted part of the game, but it’s the constant hope after good performances that eventually melts your wings and crushes your soul.

Luckily, we had Ben Stokes. From its glacial start to its explosively dangerous climax, his innings was so full of drama I almost expected him to receive a BAFTA as his man of the match trophy. His shot selection was breathtaking – the drives, the reverse sweeps, the ramps, the casual flick of a slow full toss over the rope – as was the tension. I could hardly blame him for not wanting to watch the best bowlers in the world attack the unassuming accountant at the other end, but Jack Leach held his own, playing an equally important part in extinguishing that Australian spark that pervades their sport at every level. His 1 not out means he will now be spoken about, at least in this country, alongside such names as Lara, Tendulkar, even Bradman, and we will only be half-joking.

Prediction: 1-o to whoever, let’s say United for a laugh.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Who remembers Friends? lol you are all bad slags, racists and nipple fetishists. And Blockbuster Video? Don’t even get me started that place really sucked – renting videos lol its 2019 ffs. Who remembers the Titanic?? Awful, awful ship, sank almost straight away. Launched from Southampton. Now I’m not saying Southampton are to blame for all of these things – that’s for others to say, if they think that – but the Titanic was longest ago and cause and effect imho.

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance (2019)*

The original Dark Crystal was the Citizen Kane of puppet films. This is Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 ie a film I would never watch because everyone hates it.

*I have only watched one episode so this review may change next week when I’ve watched the rest/read what everyone else thinks

Prediction: 1-0 to whoever, lets say Southampton just to be different to Benno

(@bifurcated_utd)

Ooooh, look at us two bells, writing actual words. FML.

After 40 years of cba’d, my adult life has intensified exponentially as I am now Property Owner (not in Southampton), with a contract – as the latin predicates – that I will be bound to until my inglorious death; bolted to a self-assembled cross made from C + F, and the abso state of it missing part H.

I went to my new local chinese take away last night, and having watched on in horror as the young men toiled over a soup starter, intermittently batting away the insects in the kitchen, I decided to instead visit the Indian a few doors down to get us a Kari Kombing … as flies to wan tun boys, we are for the goats.

Prediction:  1 – 0 to whoever, let’s say neither just to be different to Tom and Benno.

(@Benglorious)

I can imagine all the left-backs in the country breathing a collective sigh of relief today, safe in the knowledge that, with the news of Valencia’s contract not being renewed, they can look forward to no ball-shaped bruises on their shins. But seriously, he’s bad. As are Southampton.

Prediction: Goals for the two fit players (decided via tombola in the cafeteria) give United yet another victory under Ole. Just how many victories has been lost to the annals of time. It’s a lot. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Haven’t heard from Brett since the Palace game, I hope he isn’t stuck on a gate or soaked wet through and hating his life or eating a banana tasting sandwich/dead in a ditch (I spoke to Benno last night so I know he’s ok)

Shame about the Tony V news, real shame. Massive player in his day, massive thighs. Massive, manly thighs. The kind of thighs you’d want wrapped around you as you wrestled greco-roman style, his back like a barrel of snakes.

I just hope it’s a good friendly game and everyone enjoys themselves.

The Man in the High Castle (season one, some time in the past I’m not looking it up)

Watched entire season one, still no sign of said man or even his castle. sham imho.

Prediction: 3-0, Brett to pretend he has a girlfriend yeah Brett she lives in Canada yeah

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

I have done mine before the Crystal Palace game, cos I am currently up a big hill somewhere in the Lake District, probably lost, or splitting my trousers on a gate I am no longer flexible enough to actually climb over, or piss wet through and cold and hating my life, or sat down on a rock eating a sandwich that taste likes banana cos they were in the same packed lunch box, like the middle-aged man you all deserve.

Prediction: I won’t be up a hill, cos I will have fucked the idea off, found a pub to watch the football and will have insisted that as the man in this relationship, what I say goes. Hopefully, she won’t read this. 0 – 0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Howdy, pardner. It’s time to dust off yer six-shooter and mount up. Tonight, we ride. By tonight I mean late afternoon, and by ride I mean scrape another goalless draw. The Pools panel (ask yer da) must hate us.

Prediction: All posses joined immediately and all missions completed with no software crashes. Lol more chance of a free-flowing high press from Mourinho. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

My words are like my feelings of respect for you both ie non-existent I legit don’t know who we’re playing, just as long as they don’t send us to that horrible planet of the apes wait Statue of Liberty? That was our planet you etc etc

Prediction: Cowboys vs Aliens to be far more engrossing than anything United offer up. Mark Hughes to further cement his reputation as the worst manager in premier league history by fighting José and losing. 4-1 Southampton.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

Thankfully there are two things worse than Manchester United Manager Jose Mourinho … 2 Manchester United Manager Jose Mourinhos, and soon-to-be-ex Manager of Southampton Mark Hughes.

I don’t think there can be any doubt whatsoever that this game will serve up the coup de gras of total football with devine goals carved from heavenly clouds by all the bestest dead players that have never lived.

Prediction: -25 – -25 United.

1. Explosive diarrhoea is preferable to what we just watched.

2. As is vomiting at the same time.

3. I liked your coffee maker reference in the preview.

4. As a fellow sufferer of said virus, I must say mine is more akin to a regurgitated 3-week aged banana through a kaleidoscope. But still preferable.

5. There are now no jokes that make this funny, we are bad.

(@Benglorious)

My Christmas was great right up until the time I got a Christmas virus and I made my toilet look like a cheap coffee maker. The agony and frailty I’m experiencing as I type this still makes me feel better than watching the highlights of our last two games.

Prediction: May try solid foods after the match. Will definitely be cleaning the toilet either way. Still better than watching us tbh. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I have done no words as I am apparently going to a match.

Prediction: 0-0 United

The Punisher (2017)

Boy, he sure does love punishering.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Another “amazing” game, inconveniently scheduled to tempt me away from the familiar comfort of my annual Christmas virus. Not. A. Chance.

Hey, if I wanted to be depressed I would move to one of those countries where they only have 7 minutes of sunshine every 100 years, and set the automatic timer on my SAD lamp to only come on during the longest days of the summer months, after leaving it in one of those countries where they have 100 years of sunshine every 7 minutes.

Prediction: I’m going to go to the pub with my Christmas virus, and really really really really enjoy every second of the experience. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Sick in another car park.

 @Benglorious)

Remember when we got beat by Southampton because we wore a grey kit? Days so dark all we could taste were the bitter ashes of yet another measly premiership title. Our fourth one, for Christ’s sake. It still sickens me to my very core to think of this, even though twenty years have passed.

 m

Prediction: Lukaku to lose a hand during combat but get it replaced with a sweet, sweet robot hand and not a hook. 4-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Not sure if we’ve mentioned it in previous previews but Southampton is where the Titanic sailed from on its ill-fated maiden voyage. With that in mind, I am pleased to be able to show you the opening scene from our much hyped sequel. Well, sequel to a sequel. That hasn’t been made yet (our screenplay is based on the idea that Jack obviously survived through Captain America freezing techniques and became a cyborg).

m

TRITANIC 3: THRIC3 TH3 IC3

(or: No More Mr Niceberg/credit Benno)

EXT. Spaceport. A sprawling mass of humanity all excited to be traversing the cosmos. Think Mos Eisley but without the scum and villainy and Alec Guinness. The Titanic prominent in frame.

Jack III: I cant believe it Rose, it’s almost two thousand years since our grandparents [people live longer in this future, the science is explained later] embarked on the fateful maiden voyage where everyone died. Thank Xenu [Scientology is the only religion now] it’s legal to marry your siblings now [too far-fetched to believe this Jack would meet another Rose unless related – the plot makes it work].

Rose III: Boy, you said it! I’m sure Grandpa Cyborg Jack [Twotanic 2: This time it’s Cyborgs] and Rose 2 are up there in heaven right now, looking down on our incestuous but legal love with happiness! Let’s just hope nothing goes wrong on this maiden voyage aboard the TRItanic….In space!

Camera pans out to follow a young Irish lad chasing a hoop with a stick as he barrels down the concourse, the scale of the Tritanic majestic in its majesty. Juan Williams score ushers in opening credits.

 m

Southampton are a football team in the Premier League.

m

Prediction: Affleck was the bomb in phantoms yo but his performance re: Jack  III makes it look like House Party 2. Studio to pull plug after learning of Brett’s involvement. 2-0 United, Marcus Martial to score all three.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Still in Poland. Can’t find a waitress or a builder anywhere.

Prediction: Goals for Jerzy Dudek, Marie Curie and Roman Polanski. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned when the football interrupted our 90 minutes of doing other things to ease the pain i.e glassing ourselves with glass made from sharks:

1. Football is rubbish

2. There’s these cunts on GTA that seem able to withstand loads of bullets but can kill you in like 2 shots. And he was only doing it because I blew up his helicopter.

3. Jake threw a party at a conference because the Buffalo PD got arrested for corruption

4. Holt loves thermometers

5. STEVE HOLT