(@Benglorious)

Can’t believe Stoke got a new manager today. Really can’t believe Stoke got a new manager at all. All I know about Paul Lambert is that he defeated the Kurgan and tasted that sweet, sweet Quickening.

Prediction: It’s a kind of magic. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I am not writing another preview until we sign Alexis Sanchez. If we never sign him, so be it. I am a man of principle.

I might write something later if I get time the above is just bullshit to satisfy the reader.

Downsizing (2018)

Matt Damon and a Nazi get really small. Like, really small. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals for Sanchez. Tears for Arsenal. Work for Tom. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Can’t believe the good people of that place famous cos of being where Robbie Williams is from sacked my 64th, sorry, sixty-fourth works better for my word count, favourite Welshman Mike Hughes?! At least he has the old electrical business to fall back on.

Imagine being famous for that. And pots. FTL.

Prediction: Hell is gone and heaven’s here there’s nothin’ left for you to fear. Shake your ass, come over here, now scream. Come on let me enter etc… 0-0 United.

Agent Hobo Chicken Fingerer Welsh Pirlo gave our boys one hell of a gingham pressing today. And as Sparky Marky Mark Hughesy Hughes said, it was totally utterly and thoroughly deserved. So it must be true. Cos he’s as honest as his balls are long.

None of us watched it. Hope that doesn’t ruin Benno’s regular a joke clearly marked as ‘5)’ later on…

Here est ein funf things we learnzing:

Sometimes you can play pretty well, carve out the best chances and still draw a game. Not sure the “everything’s bad” mantra was necessary – we’re not Arsenal.

Luke Cage is very good and I would strongly recommend.

Rooney is very bad but seems to be fulfilling a very niche role of assist-by-default machine.

Dave is allowed one mistake in 3 seasons.

5) Didn’t watch it.

Zecks) Who thinks they’re maverick numberless guy?

Zeeben) Tony M isn’t dead.

Elf) Herrera BOOOOOM!!!! Cos small.

Hoping this is merely a blip tbh.

Jesse-dawg, Martial-dawg, and Roon-dawg proved themselves to be the swashbuckliest of swasherers, with net-bulging scorings that could shiver the timbers of the mightiest haunted pirate tree on the seven seas.

Too soon.

Speaking of seven seas … here’s 5 things three seas took note of, to ensure your learnings, for the test withunder laboratory conditions, at season’s end:

1 for the money and the free rides) if you kick the ball thing in the net thing without infringing any of Association Football’s rules, you get what’s known as a “goal”.

2 for the lie you denied) if you do that three times in one “match”, that counts as three “goals”.

3 for the calls you been making) if their opponents don’t get as many “goals” as your team does, your team is credited with a “win”.

4 for the times you’ve been faking) We’re gonna win the league.

All ri5e) I liked it when we won.

The jury will deci6e) If your team play their opponents, who are they playing?

I res7 my case) Idiot.

That Arnautsausage goal was a banger. That’s funny cos his name is sausage and banger is a sausage in Stoketown. It stayed hit. And is now orbiting John Lewis. John Lewis wasn’t available for comment, cos he’s filming the new series of Lewis: A crime drama based on Inspector Morse’s dealings with the contractors from Auf Wiedersehen Pet, who fitted out his swimming pool in Europeland. Too soon. This MDMA is shit. Think I’m gonna do another one…

The other goal was pure comedy. Written by Russell Howard.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Stoke is the new Robbie Williams.

2) Robbie Williams isn’t dead. Yet.

3) Hans Solo is still dead – it wasn’t a joke or anything.

4) Who do we complain to about this?

5) Serious question; I want names.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s Christmas. Can’t believe our ruddy brave heroic footballers are actually playing football instead of watching Simpsons repeats or pretending to love their families.

Prediction: Vangle to slam those h8trz with goals and points. Three of each is exactly what Dr Nick ordered. Hi, everybody! 0-0 United. 

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS although if you haven’t seen it by now thats your own damn fault SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS. 

Like me, most of you probably spent yesterday celebrating the birth, life and untimely death of one of history’s most popular characters: Han Solo. Abrams you hack.

The Force Awakens (2015)

Its like BOOM and then almost immediately all like ‘pew pew’ with the guns and then in the spaceships with the soldiers and then I was like ‘WTF’, and then theres a ball robot and he’s all like ‘beep bop beep beep boop’ and he’s like Artoo but smaller and rounder and he escapes and then theres like ‘whoa, thats amazing’ and then CHEWIE AND HAN and then more of the spaceships and war amongst the stars and I’m all like ‘yeah blud this is dope’ but then like WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED and then sad. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Imagine if The Sun (newspaper not life-sustaining star) discovered reverse psychology. Everyone back on board the LvG bus to despair as our rallying hopes get killed off. Much like a certain Corellian smuggler. 4-0 Stoke, Rooney finally eats himself.

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 Brett(@homeforchristmasinnit)

As Jesus once famously said: a time for giving and for getting. A time for forgiving and for forgetting. And it got him killed.

Fast forward two thousand and fifteen years, or the shorthand version: 2015 years – whichever gets your word count up when you’d rather be drinking yourself into a coma to ease the pain of your existence, with the excuse of the birth of Santa to hide your impending messy and humiliating mid-life crisis from your family and friends – and it’s Vangle who … sod it, Uncle Les has just opened the peach schnapps. And I think I’ve soiled myself. Again.

Prediction: Vangle’s recent deposit in the honesty box of life to galvanise the team: inducing scenes reminiscent of the scene from It’s a Wonderful Life, where everything is wonderful and lifey. That aside, 0-0.

Water-Mark: Mark Hughes kicks some water.

Benno (@Benglorious):

Feeling better about myself tonight after missing out on the weekend’s shenanigans in Manchester.  This is purely down to Tom telling me “it was the worst weekend ever…. You’d have hated it… The football was rubbish… That Rantcast fella is a nasty piece of work”.  Thanks, mate.

Stoke are the visitors to Old Trafford tonight (note to self: find out how long games have been played at “night” and how they solve the problem of “darkness”) and I’m actually allowed to stay up late and watch the game thanks to me getting all my homework done.  Only joking; I haven’t done any of it.

NEVER MIND ANY OF THAT, I JUST CAME ACROSS THIS ABSOLUTE CORKER WHILST DOING WHAT PASSES FOR RESEARCH ON THIS WEBSITE:

Megalolz at “smart”.

Prediction:  Despite public backing from the biggest music star of raps in the history of all things musically rappy, Stoke will be no match for a United team looking to seal their fourth consecutive win.  Robin will start us off with an early goal as he out-jumps Will Smith at the back post and rifles a header into the net.  Rooney has been going from strength to strength of late, and he’ll continue this tonight by bursting through the back three of those guys from the Black Eyed Peas who aren’t the lady, before calmly chipping the keeper for United’s fully deserved second.  The third and final goal will come as a direct result of a mistake from Debbie Harry in “Rapture” and Falcao will score easily with his first touch of the ball after coming on as a substitute.  1-0 Stoke.

Tonight’s spotlight falls on Marcos Rojo.  United’s new Argentinian likes nothing more than trampolining, Whit Sunday and collecting grandfather clocks with animal carvings on them.  He dislikes fly tipping.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

United to win, unless they don’t.  Erm, what else would he say?  Plumbing.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

Stoke pre-match notes:

*Do a joke about stoats and weasels being stoatally different and weasely whatever it is. That’ll be brilliant. End it with something about thinking “they’d” said ‘Stoat’, not ‘Stoke’.

*Something about Robbie Williams. Strong.

*Something about Stoke pottery. Tight.

*Find out what ‘pottery’ is

*See if there are any Stoke jokes worth copying and improving on from Benno from last season. LOL. As if. Nice one.

*See if there are any jokes worth copying from ToHahahahaha. Don’t bother.

*If you don’t get time to come back to this, remember to set an autosave without these notes.

*Love you.

Prediction: *Something about Stoats playing themselves on a cold Tuesday night in Stoat.

One more time with feeling…

Ben (Benglorious):

This is my second effort for Bifurcated.  I’m assuming I’m supposed to write something purely because: 1) I haven’t been told otherwise; b) I haven’t been killed with murder; and, iii) I literally have nothing better to do with my time.  Just realised that this will also be Mata’s second outing re: United so that makes us the same.  Well, not quite the same; I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a suit without a tie.  What am I, a farmer?

Tuesday was a good start for our new number eight (still seething about that little fiasco), although I base that judgement solely on the work of others.  This is because, even though I sat in front of my computer for the full 90, I probably only got to watch about 15 minutes of his debut because of all the other w*nkers using the Interweb at the same time.  Jerk Jerk City, Bitch.  Apparently, he set up one of our goals and also set up the set-up for the set up of the other goal (N.B. I don’t like the word ‘assist’ because my Grandad was killed by a man with that name during the War.  Or because stats are ruining our lovely game.  Pick one.  Either way, it’s all the fault of those Shatner-stealing Mexico-touchers across the water to the left of Ireland).

Tuesday also heralded the return of Robin van Persie, who picked up where he left off before his ouchy by putting the round thing in the oblong thing with part of his body in a correct and legal manner.  Oh, he scored a *airq*GOAL*uote*.  Thanks, Mum.  Seeing as I’d predicted him to score two, I actually felt a bit disappointed with his apparent lack of effort.  Layshee Dutch bashtard.

Prediction: As it’s NOT a wet and windy Tuesday night in Stoke, I’m assuming our players WILL be able to do whatever it is that is hard to do on a wet and windy Tuesday night in Stoke (hang your washing out?).  I reckon Stoke will fear Johnny Kill (that’s English for ‘Juan Mata’ because I am a Spanish genius.  I don’t mean that I’m a clever Spaniard, but that I’ve got bare linguistic skillz.  ‘Bare’ means ‘better than average’ in street words, and ‘skillz’ just means ‘skills’ but with a ‘z’ instead of an ‘s’ at the end) and the returning RVP, so they’ll probably park the bus on the pitch (is that even allowed?) leading to a tight and hard-fought match.  Final score: 1-2, with RVP bagging again and Janazs…. Januzss…. Janiszs…. that young chap who knows how to treat a lady to chicken and chips getting the other goal.  Oh, Stoke’s goal will be scored by one of their players.  Unless one of ours scores for them.  Or there’s a ricochet off the bus.

About the author: I’ve never done ‘it’ in Stoke on any night in any weather.

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Brett:

Despite a slight improvement, something just hasn’t felt right. Seeing a new face was supposed to have brought more positivity, but it’s just the same rubbish being prescribed. It’s a real headache. There’s the same lethargy. It’s painful. Anyway, that’s me and my sinus infection, that I’ve now had since before Christmas. Let’s get to the football before I d

Nowadays, under Sparky (or as he’s now known ‘Mark Hughes’), tonight’s opponents can be weaselly distinguished, by their stokally different playing style, or something. I didn’t really think that opening sentence through. I imagine they’re still the same: Crouch with the occasional bit of magic and less occasional attempt at an overhead kick when it’s easier to head it. Etherington having a decent-ish game for Match of the Day to talk about once a season. Walters missing penalties. Adam (or Adams as some like to call him) trying to be a hero*. I’m bored.

*lol

I’d really like to see Danny continue up-front after his couple of goals at the weekend, but David Tinkerlots of Tinkertown will no doubt feel the need/compulsion to rotate. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the necessity to rotate and all that, but not when your form is as consistent as an inconsistent thing from inconsitentville, population Man U.

I’d like to not see Fletch rushed back, though again can see the case for doing so, what with our midfield as it isn’t. Bored again.

Wouldn’t it to be great to add the League Cup to the Charity Shield?!

Prediction: 1-1 aet (Us to win on kicks from the penalty spot). Danny with his customary two. Walters to be the misser.

Typical, I’m away for a few days and not only does Jonny Evans return, but he goes and scores and I miss two golden opportunities to unveil my Jonny picture.

There were a few minutes where some of you may have been crossing your fingers, hoping QPR would keep their lead so, – as promised – I would stop writing these things. Never mind, I’ll make a similar promise again soon.

I’m so, so happy that Fletch is back, obviously he’s still managing his illness, but great to see him nonetheless, and great to see him get a goal for his troubles (Maybe I could unveil my Fletcher picture soon too). Other positives: some of Rooney’s touches were wonderful, and Andesron and Hernandez were the perfect impact subs. The return of Jonny means our defence are coming back to full strength, just at the right time (is there ever a wrong time?).

QPR responded well to the sacking of Sparky on the eve if this game – I’m sure they’ll be alright.

The problems are still the problems.

MOTM: Fletcher!!!!!!